(no subject)
Out of sheer boredom, I have taken it upon myself to attempt to write the Worst HP Fic Ever. Just in case any of you are bored as well or are looking to S.P.E.W. your lunch, I thought I would share it.
Disclaimer: This story does in no way discriminate against nor seek to offend any readers afflicted with a club foot.
On his way to a double American Magical History class, Peter Pettigrew was so absorbed in the messy contents of his secondhand schoolbag that he was caught quite unawares when he collided with what felt like a pillow stuffed with rocks as he turned the corner. He was knocked onto his considerable behind and parchment, quills, and ink went flying all over the corridor.
"Watch where you're going!" said a high-pitched girl's voice.
Peter couldn't quite place the accent, though he did register that the English spoken was superb. Blinking steadily to see through the waves his perpetually watery eyes gave him, he noticed a heavy-set girl (he thought) of about sixteen standing with her hands on her hips, glaring down at him through her three-inch long eyelashes. Her hair was so black it was almost purple and it curled around her head like an afro, quite similar to his own mousey-colored one.
"Well?" the girl said, tapping what appeared to be a club foot impatiently.
"Well what?" Peter asked, genuinely confused.
"Aren't you going to apologize?"
"Aren't you?"
The girl threw her hands up in exasperation. "Why would I apologize to you?" she demanded. "You're scum beneath my feet!"
"I'm sure there are a lot of things under your feet," Peter snapped, "and that" -- he pointed at her club foot -- "foot in particular, but I'm not one of them. What's your problem?"
"You are my problem! Thanks to you, I'm going to be late for my advanced to the third power of Y plus one Arithmancy class!"
"You could've already been to your stupid class in the time it took you to name it!"
"I knew that transferring would be a mistake!" the girl said. Her voice was so shrill that, were it not for Peter's lingering Animagus form capabilites, he was sure he would not have been able to hear her, though plenty of creatures on the Forbidden Forest might.
"Too right it was," Peter agreed. He whipped out his wand and used it to gather his possessions and stuff them back into his bag.
The girl stomped away as quickly as she could, which, it turned out, was not very quickly at all. Peter shook his head, hoping to clear it of her irritating voice, and hurried down the corridor.
* * * * ~ *~ *~ *~~ *~ *~*~*~*~ *~*!!*@*
"'Transferring'?" Sirius echoed after Peter finished telling his story during the usual noontime feast in the Great Hall. "Where'd she transfer from?"
"Funny, I haven't heard anything about a transfer student," said Remus from behind a rather weighty book titled Seven Hundred and Sixty-Three and a Half Reasons Why Kappas Are In No Way Mongolian.
"You have now," quipped James, messing up his already messy hair for sport. When Sirius raised an eyebrow, he said, "It's the just-out-of-bed look. You know, girls see it and immediately start to imagine what it would be like to have sex with you."
"What I don't get is why she had such a problem with me running into her," said Peter, munching thoughtfully on a Tree Roach Tart. "It's not like I did it on purpose."
"She must be a transfer student," said Sirius, "if she hasn't realized that you've run into everyone in the school at least twice."
"Oh yeah, I heard about her," said Remus, his eyes still on his book. "She's supposed to be from U... that is to say, she's from A... well, I don't know how to pronounce it, but she's got quite a temperament."
Peter's brow furrowed. "I thought you just said--"
"She transferred here this morning," Remus continued, oblivious to the interruption. "Dumbledore had her Sorted in his office and it put her in Ravenclaw of all places, even though I hear she failed every class she attended in D... wherever it is."
"Er, right," said Peter through his mental haze of confusion, "but that's no reason for her to take it out on me. I didn't make her stupid."
"Ravenclaw," said Sirius, shaking his head. "I think the charm's wearing off on that old hat."
"Must be," said James, his voice shaking due to the effort he was putting into messing up his hair.
**~~*~&~H~&~*~Y~&~*
BOOM!
*~*~**~&~&~*(&~&~&~&&^@#*&~~~~&*
"That was excellent!" Sirius guffawed, slapping his fellow Marauders on the back. The weight of Remus's book caused him to overbalance and he fell forward when Sirius hit him. "Merlin's cornea!" Sirius exclaimed. "I'm sorry!"
"I'm all right," Remus assured them, his voice muffled by the pages of the book as he attempted to continue turning them.
"Peter!" called a voice from down the hall. All four boys - well, all of them except for Remus, whose entire attention was focused on his book - turned to find the source.
"It's her!" Peter whispered, his eyes widening in shock and fear as the girl shuffled slowly up the corridor. James's hands would have jumped to his hair if they hadn't already been there for the past hour or so. The girl was smiling hugely, revealing hideously perfect teeth that clashed horribly with her hideously imperfect outward appearance. Her black hair shone green in the firelight.
"Goodness, she's a fright," said Sirius. "I wouldn't want to be alone with her."
"Well, we have to leave now," said James.
"Bye, Pete," said Sirius, waving at him before the boys took off in the other direction, dragging Remus by his ankles behind them.
Peter pulled out his Transfiguration textbook and sat on the floor to begin his essay while he waited for the girl to reach him. It was going to take a considerable amount of time, he realized, and he may as well put the extra time to good use. The ink was almost dry by the time she halted beside him and he stood up abruptly for no other reason than to explain his later movements.
"That was a really funny joke," she told him, smiling so widely that he grimaced and backed away.
"What joke?" he asked.
"The joke that you and your Marauder friends played on the professors," she answered. "I wanted you to know that I think you make a really cute rat."
"What?"
She smiled in a way that was clearly intended to seem mischievous, but fell short of that goal by several miles. "I heard James screaming your Animagus forms to Lily this afternoon," she said. "When he said you were a rat, I thought it was the most darling form ever."
Feeling that all sense had gone out of the world, Peter continued backing away from her. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Yes you do," she said coyly. "I love you."
"Oh dear god," breathed Peter. "What's happening? What kind of magic did you bring from E... there that would make everything suddenly go so wonky?"
"Only love, Peter," she whispered. "Only love."
**~*~~*~~&*~~**~***~(~*~**
"How could you do that?" Peter demanded of James later that night in their dormitory.
"Do what?" James asked. His hands were running through his hair so fast that they were beginning to smoke.
"You're going to set the castle on fire if you keep doing that, Prongs," said Sirius.
"I can't help it," James said, a plea in his voice. "I guess it's some sort of tic. You didn't charm me or something, did you?"
"That's not the issue!" Peter shouted. "You betrayed the secret, James! You told everybody that we're unregistered Animagi!"
"Oh, that." James shrugged. "It was a ploy to get Evans to go out with me. This hair thing isn't working. We can deny the whole thing later, like in Muggle court."
"What do you know about Muggles?" Remus asked from his bed where he was resting with his book covering his face to block out the light.
"She's saying she's in love with me," Peter announced.
Remus was so astounded by this information that he tossed his book aside and stared at Peter, who realized he hadn't seen his friend's eyes since the start of term.
"But you don't even know her name," James frowned.
"Oh, it's Kayla," said Sirius. Everyone turned to stare at him and he clapped his hands over his mouth in shock. "I have no idea how I know that," he said through his fingers.
"My head is going to explode," said Peter, sinking onto his own eight poster bed.
Remus crossed the room and was now holding each of James's hands away from his head, as the magical fire Put Outer sprinkler system had kicked in. Struggling against the superior strength the weedy boy's lycanthropy afforded him (though no one quite understood why), James said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
"No," said Peter warily.
"You're going to have to snog her."
"What?! Why?!"
"Because she's distantly descended from Rowena Ravenclaw," said Remus matter-of-factly. "It's the whole reason she was transferred, so that Dumbledore could keep an eye on her."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
Remus shrugged.
"Look, I'm not going to snog some troll of a girl from T... that place just because she's descended from a Hogwarts founder and has some sort of mad interest in me even though she hated me not even twenty-four hours ago!"
"You have to, mate," said Sirius. "Blood purity and all that. It's part of being a wizard."
"Sirius would know," James agreed, still struggling against Remus's superhuman werewolf grip.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The snogging session was going just as badly as Peter thought it would. Kayla had a tendency to drool and, when mixed with the liquid that fell from Peter's eyes while he was nervous, did not make for a pleasant experience. After the fourth unhappy round of inept snogging, Peter pulled away, his face a mess of bodily fluids.
"Oh, Petey!" Kayla squeaked as she sought to disentangle her stubby fingers from the hair she'd tried to run them through. "I knew you cared about me!"
"No, it isn't that," Peter replied. He wiped his watery eyes, which were now, quite beyond his control, leaking like faucets. "They're always like this. If I cried it would flood the school."
"That is so sexy!"
"It's annoying, actually," Peter corrected, "though not nearly as annoying as you."
"The things you say!" Kayla beamed and leaned in for another kiss, her lips puckered in a fish-like manner.
"I think I've had enough," Peter declared, moving as far away from her as she would allow. At least from this distance, if she attempted any further displays of physical affection, he would have time to run for it before she could clamber to her feet.
"What's going on here?" asked a silky voice silkily from behind them, its tone so silkily and smoothly cold that it seemed to steal the warmth from the rather humid June afternoon.
"Nothing you'd want to see, Snivellus," replied Peter.
"Indeed," Snape sneered and glided silkily away, his silky robes billowing behind him like a silky cloud, leaving great silky grease marks in the area of grass he'd just departed.
"He's a Death Eater," Kayla proclaimed.
Peter looked at her, startled. "How the hell would you know that?"
Kayla grinned coyly, giving her the expression of someone who was poring over an absurdly simple question in a first year Charms class. "More snogging, less non-snogging," she cooed, batting her ridiculously long eyelashes so hard that gravity pulled her a few inches further toward the ground.
"No, I've had enough," Peter said, rising to his feet. He left her struggling to raise herself underneath the beech tree where several other couples were going at it without a care in the world as professors walked by them, doing absolutely nothing to stop it except to take impossible numbers of points from Houses the students didn't even belong to.
*~*~**~~*~~&~~*~~**((~))~)__)~(~********
"Ah, the end of the school year," sighed Sirius. "When are we going to graduate, eh? I want to wear one of those stupid hats."
"That's an American tradition, Sirius," said Remus, absorbed in another book, this one titled Would You Like To See My Grindylow?
"Since when has Hogwarts cared about which tradition belongs to which country? I want to wear a flat hat!"
"Kayla's gone, you know," Remus said to Peter, who had appeared at the table and was now looking around bewildered as to how he had gone from Divination to the Great Hall so suddenly. "She went back to P... C... I... oh, sod it all, I don't care anymore."
"None too soon," Peter said, eagerly pulling a dish of stewed goat intestines toward him. "Does that mean everything'll go back to normal now?"
"No," answered James who, too, had appeared out of nowhere. "Voldemort's on the rise and he wants to recruit you." James's eyes swept the table for eavesdroppers, then he leaned toward Peter and whispered, "Be my Secret-Keeper, okay?"
Peter stabbed an intestine with an unnecessary amount of force. "Whatever," he said. "At least that storyline might make sense in the end."
Disclaimer: This story does in no way discriminate against nor seek to offend any readers afflicted with a club foot.
On his way to a double American Magical History class, Peter Pettigrew was so absorbed in the messy contents of his secondhand schoolbag that he was caught quite unawares when he collided with what felt like a pillow stuffed with rocks as he turned the corner. He was knocked onto his considerable behind and parchment, quills, and ink went flying all over the corridor.
"Watch where you're going!" said a high-pitched girl's voice.
Peter couldn't quite place the accent, though he did register that the English spoken was superb. Blinking steadily to see through the waves his perpetually watery eyes gave him, he noticed a heavy-set girl (he thought) of about sixteen standing with her hands on her hips, glaring down at him through her three-inch long eyelashes. Her hair was so black it was almost purple and it curled around her head like an afro, quite similar to his own mousey-colored one.
"Well?" the girl said, tapping what appeared to be a club foot impatiently.
"Well what?" Peter asked, genuinely confused.
"Aren't you going to apologize?"
"Aren't you?"
The girl threw her hands up in exasperation. "Why would I apologize to you?" she demanded. "You're scum beneath my feet!"
"I'm sure there are a lot of things under your feet," Peter snapped, "and that" -- he pointed at her club foot -- "foot in particular, but I'm not one of them. What's your problem?"
"You are my problem! Thanks to you, I'm going to be late for my advanced to the third power of Y plus one Arithmancy class!"
"You could've already been to your stupid class in the time it took you to name it!"
"I knew that transferring would be a mistake!" the girl said. Her voice was so shrill that, were it not for Peter's lingering Animagus form capabilites, he was sure he would not have been able to hear her, though plenty of creatures on the Forbidden Forest might.
"Too right it was," Peter agreed. He whipped out his wand and used it to gather his possessions and stuff them back into his bag.
The girl stomped away as quickly as she could, which, it turned out, was not very quickly at all. Peter shook his head, hoping to clear it of her irritating voice, and hurried down the corridor.
* * * * ~ *~ *~ *~~ *~ *~*~*~*~ *~*!!*@*
"'Transferring'?" Sirius echoed after Peter finished telling his story during the usual noontime feast in the Great Hall. "Where'd she transfer from?"
"Funny, I haven't heard anything about a transfer student," said Remus from behind a rather weighty book titled Seven Hundred and Sixty-Three and a Half Reasons Why Kappas Are In No Way Mongolian.
"You have now," quipped James, messing up his already messy hair for sport. When Sirius raised an eyebrow, he said, "It's the just-out-of-bed look. You know, girls see it and immediately start to imagine what it would be like to have sex with you."
"What I don't get is why she had such a problem with me running into her," said Peter, munching thoughtfully on a Tree Roach Tart. "It's not like I did it on purpose."
"She must be a transfer student," said Sirius, "if she hasn't realized that you've run into everyone in the school at least twice."
"Oh yeah, I heard about her," said Remus, his eyes still on his book. "She's supposed to be from U... that is to say, she's from A... well, I don't know how to pronounce it, but she's got quite a temperament."
Peter's brow furrowed. "I thought you just said--"
"She transferred here this morning," Remus continued, oblivious to the interruption. "Dumbledore had her Sorted in his office and it put her in Ravenclaw of all places, even though I hear she failed every class she attended in D... wherever it is."
"Er, right," said Peter through his mental haze of confusion, "but that's no reason for her to take it out on me. I didn't make her stupid."
"Ravenclaw," said Sirius, shaking his head. "I think the charm's wearing off on that old hat."
"Must be," said James, his voice shaking due to the effort he was putting into messing up his hair.
**~~*~&~H~&~*~Y~&~*
BOOM!
*~*~**~&~&~*(&~&~&~&&^@#*&~~~~&*
"That was excellent!" Sirius guffawed, slapping his fellow Marauders on the back. The weight of Remus's book caused him to overbalance and he fell forward when Sirius hit him. "Merlin's cornea!" Sirius exclaimed. "I'm sorry!"
"I'm all right," Remus assured them, his voice muffled by the pages of the book as he attempted to continue turning them.
"Peter!" called a voice from down the hall. All four boys - well, all of them except for Remus, whose entire attention was focused on his book - turned to find the source.
"It's her!" Peter whispered, his eyes widening in shock and fear as the girl shuffled slowly up the corridor. James's hands would have jumped to his hair if they hadn't already been there for the past hour or so. The girl was smiling hugely, revealing hideously perfect teeth that clashed horribly with her hideously imperfect outward appearance. Her black hair shone green in the firelight.
"Goodness, she's a fright," said Sirius. "I wouldn't want to be alone with her."
"Well, we have to leave now," said James.
"Bye, Pete," said Sirius, waving at him before the boys took off in the other direction, dragging Remus by his ankles behind them.
Peter pulled out his Transfiguration textbook and sat on the floor to begin his essay while he waited for the girl to reach him. It was going to take a considerable amount of time, he realized, and he may as well put the extra time to good use. The ink was almost dry by the time she halted beside him and he stood up abruptly for no other reason than to explain his later movements.
"That was a really funny joke," she told him, smiling so widely that he grimaced and backed away.
"What joke?" he asked.
"The joke that you and your Marauder friends played on the professors," she answered. "I wanted you to know that I think you make a really cute rat."
"What?"
She smiled in a way that was clearly intended to seem mischievous, but fell short of that goal by several miles. "I heard James screaming your Animagus forms to Lily this afternoon," she said. "When he said you were a rat, I thought it was the most darling form ever."
Feeling that all sense had gone out of the world, Peter continued backing away from her. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Yes you do," she said coyly. "I love you."
"Oh dear god," breathed Peter. "What's happening? What kind of magic did you bring from E... there that would make everything suddenly go so wonky?"
"Only love, Peter," she whispered. "Only love."
**~*~~*~~&*~~**~***~(~*~**
"How could you do that?" Peter demanded of James later that night in their dormitory.
"Do what?" James asked. His hands were running through his hair so fast that they were beginning to smoke.
"You're going to set the castle on fire if you keep doing that, Prongs," said Sirius.
"I can't help it," James said, a plea in his voice. "I guess it's some sort of tic. You didn't charm me or something, did you?"
"That's not the issue!" Peter shouted. "You betrayed the secret, James! You told everybody that we're unregistered Animagi!"
"Oh, that." James shrugged. "It was a ploy to get Evans to go out with me. This hair thing isn't working. We can deny the whole thing later, like in Muggle court."
"What do you know about Muggles?" Remus asked from his bed where he was resting with his book covering his face to block out the light.
"She's saying she's in love with me," Peter announced.
Remus was so astounded by this information that he tossed his book aside and stared at Peter, who realized he hadn't seen his friend's eyes since the start of term.
"But you don't even know her name," James frowned.
"Oh, it's Kayla," said Sirius. Everyone turned to stare at him and he clapped his hands over his mouth in shock. "I have no idea how I know that," he said through his fingers.
"My head is going to explode," said Peter, sinking onto his own eight poster bed.
Remus crossed the room and was now holding each of James's hands away from his head, as the magical fire Put Outer sprinkler system had kicked in. Struggling against the superior strength the weedy boy's lycanthropy afforded him (though no one quite understood why), James said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
"No," said Peter warily.
"You're going to have to snog her."
"What?! Why?!"
"Because she's distantly descended from Rowena Ravenclaw," said Remus matter-of-factly. "It's the whole reason she was transferred, so that Dumbledore could keep an eye on her."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
Remus shrugged.
"Look, I'm not going to snog some troll of a girl from T... that place just because she's descended from a Hogwarts founder and has some sort of mad interest in me even though she hated me not even twenty-four hours ago!"
"You have to, mate," said Sirius. "Blood purity and all that. It's part of being a wizard."
"Sirius would know," James agreed, still struggling against Remus's superhuman werewolf grip.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The snogging session was going just as badly as Peter thought it would. Kayla had a tendency to drool and, when mixed with the liquid that fell from Peter's eyes while he was nervous, did not make for a pleasant experience. After the fourth unhappy round of inept snogging, Peter pulled away, his face a mess of bodily fluids.
"Oh, Petey!" Kayla squeaked as she sought to disentangle her stubby fingers from the hair she'd tried to run them through. "I knew you cared about me!"
"No, it isn't that," Peter replied. He wiped his watery eyes, which were now, quite beyond his control, leaking like faucets. "They're always like this. If I cried it would flood the school."
"That is so sexy!"
"It's annoying, actually," Peter corrected, "though not nearly as annoying as you."
"The things you say!" Kayla beamed and leaned in for another kiss, her lips puckered in a fish-like manner.
"I think I've had enough," Peter declared, moving as far away from her as she would allow. At least from this distance, if she attempted any further displays of physical affection, he would have time to run for it before she could clamber to her feet.
"What's going on here?" asked a silky voice silkily from behind them, its tone so silkily and smoothly cold that it seemed to steal the warmth from the rather humid June afternoon.
"Nothing you'd want to see, Snivellus," replied Peter.
"Indeed," Snape sneered and glided silkily away, his silky robes billowing behind him like a silky cloud, leaving great silky grease marks in the area of grass he'd just departed.
"He's a Death Eater," Kayla proclaimed.
Peter looked at her, startled. "How the hell would you know that?"
Kayla grinned coyly, giving her the expression of someone who was poring over an absurdly simple question in a first year Charms class. "More snogging, less non-snogging," she cooed, batting her ridiculously long eyelashes so hard that gravity pulled her a few inches further toward the ground.
"No, I've had enough," Peter said, rising to his feet. He left her struggling to raise herself underneath the beech tree where several other couples were going at it without a care in the world as professors walked by them, doing absolutely nothing to stop it except to take impossible numbers of points from Houses the students didn't even belong to.
*~*~**~~*~~&~~*~~**((~))~)__)~(~********
"Ah, the end of the school year," sighed Sirius. "When are we going to graduate, eh? I want to wear one of those stupid hats."
"That's an American tradition, Sirius," said Remus, absorbed in another book, this one titled Would You Like To See My Grindylow?
"Since when has Hogwarts cared about which tradition belongs to which country? I want to wear a flat hat!"
"Kayla's gone, you know," Remus said to Peter, who had appeared at the table and was now looking around bewildered as to how he had gone from Divination to the Great Hall so suddenly. "She went back to P... C... I... oh, sod it all, I don't care anymore."
"None too soon," Peter said, eagerly pulling a dish of stewed goat intestines toward him. "Does that mean everything'll go back to normal now?"
"No," answered James who, too, had appeared out of nowhere. "Voldemort's on the rise and he wants to recruit you." James's eyes swept the table for eavesdroppers, then he leaned toward Peter and whispered, "Be my Secret-Keeper, okay?"
Peter stabbed an intestine with an unnecessary amount of force. "Whatever," he said. "At least that storyline might make sense in the end."