The meaning of (or how awkward a confession can really get)
The meaning of (or how awkward a confession can really get)
Sikwang, PG
Admit something: Everyone you see, you say to them, “Love me.”
There are few, simple and beautiful words to describe Kwanghee according to Siwan: ‘nutshell’ ‘obnoxious’ ‘clingy’ ‘bastard’. Also, he knows perfectly well that they are not simple or beautiful and should not even be classified as descriptive but just under plainly offensive; if there is any consolation, there are at least true and like any truth it doesn’t hurt but there are uncomfortable like a fucking pink elephant doing can-can in the middle of the room.
Siwan crosses his arms and glares in his very personal passive-aggressive fashion to the blinding smile in front of him that it is his former best friend and current sweared arch nemesis, glares and fidget with his nails without any flinch coming from the other side of the table; the air if filled with tension and Siwan hates that for Kwanghee everything is, has to be a joke.
“Siwannie.” Kwanghee whines in his typical ‘stage’ voice that Siwan had come to loathe because it sounds so fake and unreal and so, so faraway from him that it makes him want to grab the older boy in front of him to makes sure that the moment he touches him he’s not going to slip through his fingers.
“Just admit it… Everyone you see, the only thing you say to them is ‘love me’” Siwan says and narrow his eyes, the familiar feeling that it-can’t-be-jealousy sipping through his pores and making his blood run cold; he can be mean, he can cut straight to the core and nail all of Kwanghee’s obvious insecurities and exposes to him and everyone who wants to hear him. He can yell at him that no matter how pretty he is or how funny he is, behind of all the fabricated charisma there is still the boy who thinks he is ugly and craves for attention in fear nobody can really loves him for who he really is.
Siwan can and he would do it if it wasn’t for the fact he is desperately in love with that boy Kwanghee works so hard to hide behind blinding good looks and witty sense of humor.
“Can’t you see it? It’s pathetic.” Siwan bites his lips as the harsh words leaves his mouth and he knows he just hits bull eye when Kwanghee’s smile dims just a little and his body tense just like when their teachers scold him for being slow, for not being good enough; he wants to add something, anything but the words escapes him and he can only watch the older boy crossing his arms over his chest, almost hugging himself, knuckles turning pale from the force.
“I see, I watch myself then.” Kwanghee’s voice is soft and hurting and all so not him, not his façade but the boy Siwan swore to protect from the tough, unyielding world when they first met; Kwanghee is smiling again but is that smile he only wears when his pride kick on strong enough to not let him shed any tears in front of his offender because is always better to laugh instead of cry when the world hates you. Siwan waits to the last moment to move between the older boy and the exit and doing something is so out of character for him that he thinks is enough to make the other stop and to not struggle.
Siwan kisses him.
He kisses Kwanghee and hopes everything that he wanted to really say is transmitted with the simple touch of lips; he hopes and doesn’t realize he is somehow being dragged deep into the kiss and his hands are pulling the older boy closer with an almost desperate, needy gasp; he stop, barely realizing he had closed his eyes to avoid seeing Kwanghee’s expression.
“Why you need to ask for love when you have me?” Siwan whispers against the other’s lips, smiling when he can hear, feel Kwanghee sharp intake of breath along with the shivering and the heat of his blushing cheeks in the palm of his hand.
Siwan lets the other hug him; let him laugh and cry and take a deep, relieved breath like saying he really doesn’t need to search for acceptance anymore and that there is no need for him to keep waiting for him to stop being stupid and dense. He kisses Kwanghee again amidst his tearful laugh (or are joyful tears? He doesn’t know anymore) letting them wash over both and think there is a bright future beyond those three awfully difficult words he somehow got across today.
There are few, simple and beautiful words to describe Kwanghee according to Siwan: ‘nutshell’ ‘obnoxious’ ‘clingy’ ‘bastard’.
Also, ‘sweet’ ‘amazing’ ‘funny’ ‘love’ can describe him well… but over all of them, Siwan likes one the most:
‘Mine’.
Prompt #56 @ milkpoet