Ourboros (Lay your desires to rest)
OUROBOROS
Lay your desires to rest
HeeMi, pg-13
["...Desire it's only for fools." ]
Heechul watches Minwoo smirks flirtatiously, getting away with the so figurative murder under the nose of their manager and the rest of the band. He is pretty sure that their so called genius dancer sleeping around with nobodies is not what is making him feel like his guts are being eaten from the inside.
He is pretty sure that the reason has to do more with the nobodies not being him.
It's something that came almost like an epiphany, flicking in the back of his head every time he sees Minwoo putting a hand on the lower back of a starry eyed girl.
[ "You know that need only breeds longing and longing breeds want ... ]
Heechul smiles one of his devious smiles, tilts his head knowingly toward Minwoo and sneak away to indulge in his poison of choice, a half smoked cigarette in the backstage between performances and the piercing glare of Taehun in all his almighty, mother-hen glory.
-Exhale-
The smoke swirls in the air lazily, forming pattern on the light, artificial breeze under the emergency stairs to then be sucked by the air filters; He briefly wonders why the fire alarm never goes off.
-Inhale-
He could almost read the tabloid headline 'ZEA's rapper Heechul, a chain-smoking junkie?'. It wouldn't come too much of a surprise since they already caught a pack of cigarrettes on his and Leader drawer and someone already blew a casket over it, this only would make everything more obvious; he wonders if the fans find this habit sexy or repulsing. Would he attract more noonas then? Do younger girls dig smokers?
Heechul wonders if Minwoo would mind kissing him tasting like smoke and ashes.
-Exhale-
He wonders why he even bothers to delude himself sometimes.
[... And everyone knows what happens when you want something ]
Heechul tries not to stare; his mother taught him that it's not polite to stare.
He looks at everything, everywhere: from the little mole over the lip of the stylist doing Dongjun’s hair to the unhealthy snack Hyungsik is wolfing down. He is even momentaneously and stupidly brave to look at Taehun's disapproving scowl.
Heechul is effectively distracted when something akin to sympathy tugs at his heart when he sees the almost perpetual frown on his bandmate’s face. Even if he is older and Junyoung is the leader, management has been particularly aggravating with Taehun, making him the unofficial babysitter of the band.
He feels oddly relieved at the notion.
Heechul have the decency to look a little guilt-stricken when Taehun catches his gaze, his eyes being diverted again toward what he was avoiding to look in the first place.
[ -someone, your mind whisper ruthlessly - ]
Heechul observes the purplish mark just below Minwoo’s chin and try to not think in the pair of lips (not his) kissing its way toward the spot, he doesn’t want to think in the mouth (again not his) sucking and nibbling until the tender skin was bright red.
He tries not to think in slender legs, hips and perky breasts; try not to think in long hair and soft curves and breathless moans.
Heechul looks away and tries to not think at all.
[ so much that you think you may explode." ]
Heechul doesn’t even bother to hide the smell of cigarettes this time.
He has enter in a 'me too' mentality, so if Minwoo can rubs in their faces his shenanigans he can do it too. It's only fair that he is flaunting around his vices, in fact, everyone should do as him.
Even if their manager corners him and punishes him openly by making him stay in the same position during hours and hours, yelling at him until his throat got sore and his voice broke; Even if they got a 2 hours talk with a doctor and gruesome pictures of lungs, throats and people who lost their voices due to laringe cancer, even if Junyoung and Kevin only gives him dissapointed looks and Dongjun and Hyungsik looks confused and afraid, even if everytime he looks at Siwan and Kwanghee their stares scream viciously something about a huge motherfucking elephant in the room. Even if Taehun stopped talking to him.
Heechul finally concluded that the 'me too' mentality is complete bullshit.
[ "You realize then that want and need are not cause and consequence, ]
Somehow along the lines, Heechul notices that he is going through some sort of fuck up version of the five stage of grief; only he is stuck somewhere between depression and bargaining, and acceptance is being a elusive little bitch.
He is not a little bit comforted by the thought.
[ neither problem and solution." ]
Heechul is aware that he is tearing his band apart. He blame himself for it; Minwoo doesn't bring his skeletons out of his proverbial closet, Minwoo doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve waiting for someone to take it and at least crushing it to make all the pain go away.
Minwoo is in a phase, the little part of him which is trying to grow up informs him Heechul refuses to listen and keeps telling himself that he is in a phase too.
Suddenly, acceptance seems more a nightmare than a goal.
[ "They are both faces of the same coin, ]
A memory:
Heechul is playing with broken glass, fascinated in how the light reflects on it making little rainbows everywhere. He is so captivated with it that he doesn't notices he is bleeding until his mother scream at him and pulls him toward the bathroom to be parched up.
Heechul never understood how something so pretty can cause so much harm.
Then he met Minwoo.
[ a vicious circle, ]
Heechul knows that he needs to break his habits.
He try (he is always triying) starting with the promise of smoke less and not to carve a hole in Minwoo's head everytime he looks a little too sexed up. But promises vanishes in thin air as soon as they are made, Heechul hates making promises if he is going to break them and he knows he would.
Finally, one day, Heechul stops smoking when he notices that it's makes him think of Minwoo and dark rooms and heated hands.
He realizes too that he just ended the lesser of two evils.
[ something that goes chasing its tail instead of running in a straight line." ]
Ironically -or surprisingly- it's Minwoo who finally comes to Heechul after a particularly high-tension performance, looking wild and beautiful with his smeared make up and lit up eyes. The air in the room is almost nonexistent but turns more suffocating the closer Minwoo gets to him.
Heechul's heartbeat rate is in sync with the dancer's footsteps; he thinks that at the time Minwoo would be near enough to touch him he would be entering in cardiac arrest. He lets Minwoo pushes him against the wall; he lets the other takes the control.
He lets slip away his sanity with it.
[ You come to the conclusion that you always get what you need but never what you want. ]
Heechul kisses Minwoo hotly, needy letting his hands roam through the expanse of his back, memorizing the dips of his ribs; Minwoo moans in his lips, opening his mouth. Minwoo kisses Heechul like he is drowning, all deeps breaths and gasps, never getting enough oxygen; feeling like his lungs and his legs are too tired of working overtime and they are finally giving up entirely.
Heechul remember then he always knew why he was afraid of swimming.
[ "And if you ever get what you want-]
Heechul step away suddenly, hands on his mouth and an unreadable expression on his face.
Minwoo looks dazed but alert an elegant raised eyebrow it's enough to ask him what's wrong, why he stopped. Their gazes lock for a second and Minwoo smirks, a mix of incredulity and bitterness in the curl of his mouth.
Then the rapper walks away from him.
[ -well...- ]
Heechul let out a shaky laugh that sounded borderline hysterical to his own ears, whipping his face with one hand he stumbled out of the room toward the bathroom, his manic chortle drowned into sobs.
[ -maybe you didn't want it after all. ]