abusive behaviour?

[dirtymindspace]

I've just read some of the posts here about abuse. Interestingly, this word has come up in my relationship recently for the first time in my life. Lately, my bf has been picking fights with me when he gets really drunk. They are verbal fights, nothing physical, and often happen on the phone. The last one happened on the weekend face-to-face. I feel

Comments

[najalaise]

it was just abusive from my perspective because I don't drink

Aha- drinking wasn't impairing his judgment, but sobriety was impairing yours.

Though I'm concerned about the fact that he reasons that way even when he's sober, I do think it might be a good thing that he recognizes that alcohol intake made the difference between his behavior seeming acceptable and seeming abusive.

Feeling silenced is not okay, and even less okay when you feel silenced about saying no to how someone is touching you. I wouldn't personally be able to continue a relationship with someone who persisted in drinking when it made them unable to gracefully hear a "no" about their interactions with my body.

[scorpionturtle]

Sounds abusive and like there are more issues here than just feeling insecure. You might want to check out Alanon for how to deal with people you care about who may drink too much. There's nothing wrong with drinking but there is whole lot wrong with drinking and then being abusive. Lots of transguys get insecure about body issues (myself included) but that is never a reason to drink to deal with it or be abusive.

[rinkori]

Your partner needs to be in therapy ASAP. Drinking isn't an acceptable method of coping, and it looks like your partner is already--or will soon be--an alcoholic. While you say you "understand" that he deals with stuff using alcohol, substance addiction will only worsen the problems he has.

Your partner's behavior sounds abusive. Scaring, humiliating, bullying, or intimidating you, and disrespecting or dismissing your feelings--is abusive. You are definitely not being unreasonable. Contempt is the death of a relationship and if I were you I would leave him ASAP.

[girlnamedxena]

I agree with what everyone else has said, and have nothing much to add. I hope you find a way to take care of yourself.

[wintke]

I don't know how well this will be received, but since no one else has said it... I think you should get out of this relationship right away. Everyone else here is right, he does need a lot of help, but I don't think you need to stick around for it. Find someone who deserves you instead of someone who might eventually come around years down the road, or maybe not at all. You may love and care for him, but love and care for yourself first, and don't keep abusive people in your life.