Fag Hags are a Drag

[compass24]

 Hi everyone. Glad to have found you. I know this is a really long entry introductory post but I promise the rest will be shorter

Comments

[annabelle_blue]

First things first, I want to put on my "mod" cap and just nudge with a gentle reminder that while it's important to speak our minds, we need to be mindful of those in the community who do not know us personally, and therefore, may find some of your language offensive. I say this only because I know this is your first post, and you likely have not been around here long enough to know that language that perpetuates stereotypes ("super-faggy", "fag hag", et. al.) is often offensive to members of the group, and I only want to ask that you be mindful of that in future posts

[compass24]

Definitely sorry if I offended anyone with my fag-hag or 'fag' statements. We use the word 'fag' in a positive way to mean- so cute and flamboyant but I know this word still has serious reminders of anti-gay comments. Please accept the apology in advance.
I really appreciate your comments because they come from someone who has experienced similar concerns. I have been open with him ( my partner) about my fears of changing sexuality and he has assured me several times that I am the one for him and that he hasn't and doesn't want to be with men. I am doubtful that his physical changes will cause me to be less attracted since although I now identify as a lesbian, I have slept with men prior to coming out, and I hope that my desire to 'fit in' with the LGBT community as the partner of a trans man will wane with time. I guess I am just so dead set on everything turning out the same post-transition that I am worrying myself over stuff I cannot predict.
(Reply to this)

[annabelle_blue]

There are many other members who have been through exactly what you are going through, so I hope that they will post their experiences as well. It is so reasonable to worry about the "what if". I still do, and it's been plenty of time. In my experience, I think it comes from me having to work so hard to "prove" my right to be in queer space to begin with... so then now, when we're out together, and in queer space, everyone treats us like we're that "straight couple proving how queer friendly they are..." It's annoying, but over time, it's been much better

[compass24]

That was a beautiful statement about your husband's confidence and it definitely also builds my confidence to support my partner/ calm myself down.

[ganas_de_ti]

The one thing i have never understood, and maybe some others can help me understand this: The great number of trans men who were lesbians before their transition and then it seems like "suddenly" they are gay. Of course there are some who have identified with the lesbian community only because it seemed like the only way they could be part of the queer community but never really felt that attraction to women (i assume this group exists...). But if gender identity and sexual orientation are completely independent, how can people who are attracted to women before their transition and even in LONG TERM lesbian relationships, after their transition "become" gay men? Or were they really just bisexual all along.

And yes i understand that sexual orientation can change over time and is fluid, but it seems that it artificially changes after the transition.

Did that make sense?

[compass24]

I totally get your point. I suppose its just that I haven't had heart-to-hearts with any of the FTMs that now identify as gay. A couple that I know is one-half transman who previously had said he only liked women (and is getting married to one in the future) but now also wants to sleep with men. He actually expressed a 'sudden' sexual urge to sleep with men when he began transitioning which also confuses me because I agree that sexual orientation and gender identity are too separate peices, although often quite related.

[aki_no_kaze]

well, transition involves a stupid amount of self-evaluation, you look at EVERYTHING in your life, including your sexuality. This can often lead to the discovery of attractions that were too buried by other issues to be seen earlier, it can also lead one to say "what else have I got to lose here?" and embrace feelings they had before but for one reason or another were unable to act on.

[annabelle_blue]

I wondered about this, too, for awhile, but my husband (FTM) offered something to me that I didn't even think about. Obviously he is not gay, but he told me that for so long he felt like he HAD to identify as "lesbian" because he couldn't figure out "what" he was. He was so nervous for so long about who he was. And, when he was coming to terms with his gender identity, he was so fascinated with men. Wanting to make sure he walked "the right way", that everything masculine was coming out. So maybe that's got something to do with it. I've never known someone who was a lesbian pre-transition and gay post-transition, so I can't say for sure what their take on it was, but, that's food for thought. That, and perhaps maybe feeling like someone is finally "who they are" and comfortable with it, that they feel better able to express sexual orientation.

Not sure, but it would be an interesting thread for sure.

[aki_no_kaze]

re: his stereotypically gay behavior

this could have far more to do with a desire to remain in the queer community then his sexuality. My husband and I are both still very active in the local community ("we may be in a hetero marriage, but we are FAR from straight"), and I know that sometimes it can be tricky to be seen as queer when the two of us are so plainly male/female.

I would recommend talking to him about how he feels about losing his lesbian label. It could be, like with my hubby and I, that he really wants to remain part of the community and is using this as a way to stay there.

"remaining in the queer community"

[tommytesto]

For a lot of guys pre-hormones and surgery, acting "faggy" (used in this sense mostly by FTMs, in the contexts I have seen!) is also a way that they can increase their ability to pass. If they think that effeminate men act "faggy" - but still get read as men - it is another way of, well, overcompensating. And whether someone is trans or not, overcompensating is part of figuring out what identity works at a certain point in life.

To the OP: You might pass as his partner more if you didn't go to gay bars. If he becomes gay, or bi, he will. He cannot know that now - especially before T literally changes his brain's responses to sights and smells. While it is worrisome, it is like other relationships - you cannot know how the earnest intentions of today will play out in years to come. That is not a specifically trans-related factor. Good luck.

Re: "remaining in the queer community"

[aki_no_kaze]

good point (re: passing), hadn't thought of that before

Re: "remaining in the queer community"

[compass24]

Yeah, I've realized that gay male bars=me feeling uncomfortable sometimes because of this precise reason. However, it is a shame because we both like those bars and I don't want to have even LESS of an option for where to go out by excluding those. I think its more of an 'i need to feel more secure' and really stand tall in the trust that I have with my partner. So, okay, he starts to like guys too after the transition, I think we can work something out. It'll just take time.

[aislingthebard]

I am talking to my own partner, a MTF pre-srs who transitioned in all the other ways besides the final surgery in 1993, so I never knew her as a male. We both admire you deeply, because according to her, being with a person THROUGH their transition is the most difficult possible set of circumstances. It is not necessarily about parts, but about personalities. Basically, it boils down to each of you examining what you have together and see where you are....are you more impacted by WHAT your partner is (male, female, gay, straight, etc) or by WHO your partner is (this person, Annie, James, no matter the name or gender, this BEING). There is, as I am sure you know, a real difference between sexual preference and gender identity. You say you have just recently "come out", and that comes through your post as a huge issue, and a big milestone for you. In other words, it seems that it is a large facet of your core identity to be a lesbian. So...does "being a lesbian" mean to you that YOU identify as a girl who likes girls no matter whom you

[aislingthebard]

I guess what I am trying to say here is that HIS transition is YOUR transition too, and you have a right to your own feelings about it, your own reactions to it, and your own needs and wants concerning who you are and who your partner is. That means that your relationship needs to be in transition too, and that is OK. I know it's scary, but staying with someone just because you ARE with them, even though they might become someone you don't want to be with, is as harmful to all concerned as is the timeworn "staying together for the sake of the kids". On the other hand, if you examine things as a couple, you may find out that it is the WHO of one another that you are committed to, no matter what happens with the WHAT. I would have loved my wife if she had been a guy...indeed, when I met her and fell instantly in love, it was about a week before I realized that she WAS a woman, and since I at that time had never shown a tiny sign of being anything other than hetero, that was a HUGE thing for me. But it didn't matter, because I was

[azhdragon]

I just wanted to address one particular comment you made:

It sounds selfish to say that I want eveyone to know that my partner is actually female

umm, no.

if my girlfriend said this, I would be extremely upset with her.

I may be female-bodied but no, I don't identify as female, and very few FTMs would do so. if your guy is transitioning, then the worst possible thing you can do is out him to anyone (and I do mean ANYONE ... this includes your best friend!) without his permission, for any reason

[governmentcandy]

i don't think the OP really indicated that she intends to stand in the middle of a bar telling everyone that will listen that her partner is really a girl. or that she actually thinks that her partner is a girl. OR that her partner identifies solely as male.

is your partner trans? bc this is a community for the support of partners if trans people.

[compass24]

I didn't intend on outing my partner to anyone and everyone. I did mean that it has been diffcult for me to wrap my head around how to still identify as queer and be 'seen' as queer when involved in a 'straight' relationship. And yes, my parnter is trans identified on the beginning end of transition.

[governmentcandy]

i was replying to the comment above mine, not to your post...i actually really identify with what you wrote.