New Here

[belovdmonster]

Hello, I am Sara and I am a 23 year old female.  I identify as mostly straight.  I recently started dating a guy and we fell for each other very quickly.  We haven't known each other, but feel incredibly connected.  Recently he told me that part of the reason his last relationship didn't work was because he was starting to realize that he couldn't

Comments

[isisxonxacid]

When I first met my partner, she presented herself as male also. Which was fine. My sexuality has never been gender specific, always based only on how I felt about the person. And there was instant bliss with her. We met online so it was easy to conceal that she was transitioning. When we met in person 3 months later I was a little surprised to say the least. But as someone else said, I was just in love.

There were some things that took a bit to get used to, but two years later we are still a fantastically happy couple. I did massive amounts of reading and since moving to Oregon have met many trans people. I admire them, personally. What great strength and courage.

Be angry, be confused, but if you love her, don't forget to try to be open a little as well. True love is so very rare in this life, and if given the chance to flourish, I believe it can overcome all of the negative feelings. It's also okay if it can't. Just be honest with yourself, and with her.

[sirensfall]

Is is wrong that i am uncomfortable with everyone identifying him as a her right now? Right now he is a boy. I liked to call him "my boy" and i asked if that was still ok, and he said it was. I am also one of two people who are still in his life that know this about him. I don't think he would be comfortable if i called him a her. I don't know.

[yourboss]

It's natural to feel uncomfortable with the references towards your partner as female, especially so soon after having found out. But you might want to get an honest answer out your partner as to what he prefers. It's not clear to me that you do know. If he expressed to you that he identifies as female, then refering to him as a guy undermines that identity.

This is a partners of transgender community, so people are going to be sympathetic to you and your feelings. But because we all love somone who is transgender, we're going to be sympathetic to what your boyfriend is going through as well, and that's probably why you're reading all of the references to your partner as female.

[rinkori]

I agree with yourboss. Pronoun use is generally one of the first steps of social transition, and it's really important to most trans people that they be referred to with the proper pronouns. Trying out female pronouns (or gender-neutral pronouns) might help your partner's self-image, and it might also help you start conceptualizing your partner as a woman.

[morbidimpishfae]

You've got lots of company here with regards to people who were dating their partners before they transitioned. My girlfriend came out as trans to me pretty much during our honeymoon.

Talk about upset! I threw a huge (and now rather embarrassing) fit about having married a man and woke up next to a woman. Luckily my partner was very (probably overly) accepting of it taking me a while to get used to all of this.

To be honest, we did break up for a month or so to both try and get our heads together - but as of now, we're going on close to 4 years together. However, I identified as bisexual (though mostly in the closet before then, heh) before we started dating. If you're not then you're not, and there's NO reason to feel guilty for not being. Ending the relationship wouldn't make you a bad person.

Hopefully the love you have for each other will build at least a supportive friendship in the future. :)

[brujaoscura]

I am pretty much in the same position you are. I fell in love with a wonderful person who- when we first met- presented as a man. zWe had known each other online for several years before falling in love- and I met face to face with a man the first time

[morrigan191]

I suggest you start at the My Husband Betty books. You can check out their message boards too.

http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/community/

For what it's worth, I was completely uninitiated when I met my partner, I've read and researched like crazy, and although I'm frightened of the unknown, it's some of the best parts of who he is.

And don't stress too much about the pronoun thing. I still use he for my partner, because he's pre transition and it's his choice of pronoun and how he presents, but my pronoun usage confuses people in the community and must regularly be explained.
However, if the idea of the pronoun switch makes you want to run screaming, take a deep breath, do some reading and then ask some hard questions.