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[outofsynch]

hello,

I posted this in two of the communities I belong to and both of them said I would probably get better answers from this community. Hopefully that works out for me. I am also hoping I don't offend with my post.

I have a friend who is a pre-op m-t-f. She's wonderful and amazing, and I find her attractive in an indescribable way.  She's not a

Comments

[oldfemmejournal]

In my opinion, you should keep your feelings in check, unless you are prepared to accept your friend in the body she is in now ... chances are, she already finds it frustrating/difficult to be in her body the way it is right now. Telling her, "I am attracted to you, but I don't like your bits" is not going to make her feel better, or foster a mutually loving and exploratory relationship between the two of you.

As a dyke dating a trans woman, I can tell you that it's actually not that difficult to get used to loving someone with a non-binary body. It took me about 10 seconds, and I was quickly able to integrate her bits into my dyke identity. She's hot, she's brilliant, and she turns me on. The fact that her parts are a bit different than cisgendered women doesn't faze me in the least. You might find the same ...

[outofsynch]

you're right.
(took me a couple of days to process it all and think about it).

and it is something I will have to consider very hard.
If I date someone it should be because I love and accept them for who and how they are at the moment. That has always made sense to me, but I suppose that part of my understanding took a hiatus for a little while.

it has also helped to hear a lot of people calling my attention to possible frustrations I wouldn't have readily considered possible.

She comes across as comfortable with who she is, but that doesn't automatically translate into not having body image issues as well.

thank you.

[ericaequites]

Say, "I'm attracted to you as a woman, and I'd like to talk about negotiating and discussing being intimate with you. I don't want to lose or hurt our friendship, but aren't sure how to talk about having a deeper relationship."

[aki_no_kaze]

another thing to be aware of is that chances are fair to good that she is not to fond of her bits as well.

Some transfolk like their stock equipment, some do not. Some enjoy sex with said bits, some can't even have them touched... and there is everything in between.

She may have no problems at all with you not wishing to touch her there, she may even prefer it that way. My point is, you need to ask to find out.

[annabelle_blue]

I think it's important to be honest with her about your fears and worries. Remember, it's not that you are offended by her in any way, rather your concerns come out of your caring for her and not wanting to hurt her or ruin what you have. To me, the difference is huge

[lucyindeeskye]

i'm the partner of a trans woman, and i find this description deeply offensive. be careful with your language, b/c it sounds like you are more intrigued by her transness than attracted to her as a person. the phrase "she looks like a man more than anything, but she has an amazing allure" borders on fetishizing.

it sounds like you have a lot to learn about trans people, as well. Your friend has the body of a woman, NOT a man, regardless of her surgical status. she may be shaped differently than many women, but that doesn't detract from her having a female body. many trans folks are deeply insecurity about their bodies, and the last thing any trans woman needs is a sex partner who sees her body as male.

i second writer's suggestion to hold back for now, and focus on learning more about trans issues and understanding your friend better. it's crucial that you see her fully as a woman - especially pre-surgery - in order to be a good friend, let alone a romantic partner.

[outofsynch]

I appologize for the phrasing. I am not trying to offend. I have a tendency to downplay how much of WHO you are effects how I feel about you, but that's always been paramount to me in relationships, the rest is secondary.

I have learned though that ignorance can have negative effects because you don't know how to say what you're thinking/feeling.

I do apprecaite your input. The way to learn about what is appropriate is to be shown or told, or mess up and have to fix it. I prefer to mess up in little places and be shown if at all possible so I don't hurt others needlessly.