Fake News
Yes to Running in the Halls
The American Association of Public Schools has issued a new ordinance. Running in the halls will be instated as a replacement for gym class.
“With the decreasing budgets and low test scores for public schools across the country something had to be done,” announced Chairman Mark Andersen Monday morning, “We’ve decided to cut gym class.”
Instead of gym class all students will be instructed to run in the halls. With the frequent period changes it is estimated that students will get at least 20 minutes of exercise throughout the day.
“We’re really excited about this change. Students for decades have been attempting to run in the halls, and now they have to,” said Andersen.
Students had mixed feelings.
“Gym class is the only reason I come to school,” states Jimmy White.
Carl Lovet disagrees, “Thank god, I’m so sick of getting hit by flying objects.”
Public School janitorial squads across the nation will be sent instructions on marking the hallways with lines for traffic control.
“We don’t want the kiddies running into each other,” says Mary Malady, the Associations guidance counselor representative.
When asked if he felt if this new policy would get criticism similar to the “ketchup counts as a vegetable legislation” he replied, “No.”
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Reporter Caught Writing Creatively, Newsroom Agasht
A Reporter was reportedly caught using creativity Tuesday
while writing a 750 word article on local crime.
“I just wanted to write something that some might actually
want to, well you know, read,” said Joseph Smith the alleged
reporter.
Newspaper reporters are expected to write without bias, false
information, and most importantly creativity.
“I was shocked to learn about Smith’s actions,” said Mike
McCain, Smith’s supervisor. “Newspapers are not meant to be
interesting, they are meant to impress the reader with their
excessive amount of words.”
Smith is currently undergoing some probationary hearings.
It’s expected that he will have to undergo a rigorous
training program to dull is mind.
“Creativity has no place in a newspaper,” declares
Smith, “Creativity belongs on glossy pages and shiny
television screens, not on recycled paper with ink that rubs
off on you hand.”
History:
Newspapers have been boring readers for centuries. The first
newspapers were hand written on palm leaves and distributed
among the Hebrew community. Journalists across the continent
were thrilled when Gutenberg, developed the printing press.
This allowed the content to not only become much longer, but
several times les entertaining. Over the years the
technology has become so advanced that literally thousands of
words can be put into a daily newspaper and disturbed to
millions of homes all over the world. Today, people can
start off their day with more mindless garble than ever
before. Infact it’s a well know fact that few people read
more than the headlines and devote only a few seconds to a
whole page of text. The Newspaper is truly a triumph of
modern day mediocrity.