4/4
"What do you want to order for dinner?" Spencer asked, rolling over.
Brendon was sitting on the floor, stringing his acoustic guitar. "I want…" He wrinkled up his nose. "We’re getting Chinese?"
"What else?"
"Um…" Brendon said. He tilted his head to the side. "Remember what we got it that time with-" He waved his hand in a little circle. "And then Ryan said Keltie can make it?"
"Ohhh," said Spencer. "Ha, that was great. We should call him." He circled beef with broccoli and kung pao chicken and egg rolls.
"They’re getting married in two weeks, I think they’re a little busy." Brendon leaned back against the bed and strummed a couple of chords, then made a face. "Ugh, still flat."
"Just as god made you," said Spencer.
Brendon hit him in the leg. "You stole that joke from Veronica Mars, I was there when Jon made you watch it."
"You stole your outfits from Veronica Mars." He paused. "So the last night of the tour is soon."
"Yep," said Brendon. "Fuck, I’m tired. I can’t wait to get back to my real bed. And I’m pretty sure Ryan’s going to self-destruct without you around to help with the wedding."
"He just needs someone to hold his hand," said Spencer. "I’ll go home and stop him from eloping or setting a guitar on fire and he’ll be fine."
Brendon laughed. "How amazing is this wedding going to be?" he asked. "I’m psyched."
Spencer folded up the corner of the take-out menu in to a tiny accordian. "I was wondering if... If you still wanted me to play with you."
Brendon went still for a second, and then tilted his face up, smiling uncertainly. "You would?" he said. "You seemed pretty adamant that it wasn’t… Um. A good idea."
"If I do, a lot more people are going to think we’re boyfriends," Spencer said. "You didn’t even want the techs to joke about it."
"If you don’t want Ryan-" Brendon started.
"If you don’t want the whole tour-" Spencer said, right over top of him.
Brendon stopped. "Okay," he said, holding up his hands in surrender. "I give. I want you on stage more than I want people to stop snickering. Would you… Would you really do it?"
"A song," said Spencer, holding up one finger. "Like, the encore, maybe."
Brendon laughed. "I’m not the headliner, I don’t get an encore. Last song, how about."
"It’s too bad we can’t fly Jon and Ryan out. People would go nuts."
"That would be great," Brendon sighed. He tilted his head back against the bed. "Will you really? I don’t want it to be something you do and then you’re resentful at me about."
Spencer slid off the bed and sat down next to Brendon, avoiding the guitar so he could lean against Brendon’s shoulder. "I don’t know if you’ve heard," said Spencer. "I have kind of a thing for you."
"Yeah?" asked Brendon, fighting back a grin.
"Yeah." He leaned over and kissed Brendon.
"You better order dinner then," said Brendon, "before I waste away."
Spencer poked him in the side. "We can’t have that," he said, and Brendon grinned and played a quick burst of chords on his guitar, shaking his head.
--
It was utterly bizarre being on stage with Brendon, but without Ryan and Jon. Spencer didn’t like the way his stomach lurched, but he liked the way Brendon smiled at him from behind the mic, reaching out and saying, "-a friend of mine, you might know him. Spencer Smith!"
The audience for the tour had been pretty mellow, but there were a good number of fans there to see Brendon Urie from Panic at the Disco, and they started screaming. Spencer walked out and waved a little curtly, trying to keep his head down.
Brendon beamed and it looked like the sun coming up. Spencer smiled back without meaning to.
The screaming got louder. Yeah, the fans had probably figured something out.
Spencer sat down on a stool next to Brendon, with a cymbal and a shaker, and tried not to look too awkward. He missed being at the back of the stage with a whole drumset between him and the audience.
"He loves playing the tambourine," Brendon added, with a wicked smirk.
Spencer didn’t kill him. He figured if that didn’t convince Brendon he was seriously in love then nothing would.
--
Spencer woke up early, hours before they needed to get up and pack to get to the airport. Brendon was still asleep. He liked to stay up until he could barely keep his eyes open, because otherwise he tended to have trouble getting to sleep. Once he was out, though, Brendon was pretty dead to the world, no matter how much he twitched and flailed and stole the blankets.
Spencer got up and made coffee in the shitty hotel coffee maker, and texted Ryan, getting in 2day, u redy?
Ryan texted back, having a fight. ill talk 2 u l8r.
Spencer frowned and threw the phone into his bag. Keltie and Ryan never really fought, they just got weird at each other. It made sense for the stress to get to them this close to the wedding, but it still sucked.
Brendon yawned and rolled over, pulling the blanket over his head. Spencer grinned. "You’re totally awake, dude," he said. Brendon didn’t move or anything. Spencer knelt at the end of the bed and waited a minute, but the lump under the blankets was totally still. Spencer crawled up toward the pillow.
"I know you’re awake," said Spencer. "You only yawn when you’re waking up." He tugged at the blanket until it revealed Brendon, eyes shut and mouth a little open, hair flattened against the pillow. "C’mon, get up," said Spencer, poking him.
"Nnnn," said Brendon, and tried to pull the blanket back, but Spencer was on top of it. Brendon made another grumpy noise and shut his eyes tighter.
"What if I make it worth your while?" Spencer asked. He leaned down and kissed Brendon, who didn’t really move. Spencer nuzzled Brendon’s neck a little, until Brendon grimaced sleepily, trying not to giggle, and wiggled away. Spencer followed him, pulling the blankets off.
"I could be asleep," Brendon whined, not opening his eyes.
"You could," Spencer agreed. "But you’d be sad you missed this." He licked a stripe across Brendon’s collarbone, where it always made him shiver to be kissed.
"You wanna do all the work?" Brendon asked, a little breathlessly. "Go ahead."
Spencer grinned. He slid his hands down Brendon’s sides, and Brendon whined in the back of his throat. Spencer knelt over Brendon’s legs, kissing his side, the spot where his hipbone stuck out a little, the crease between his thigh and his hip. When he looked up Brendon was watching him sleepily.
"As long as you’re down there," Brendon said, rolling his hips.
Spencer slapped him lightly on the leg. "Uh uh," he said. "We have all morning." He pushed Brendon’s leg up so he could bite at the back of Brendon’s knee, and Brendon giggled and tried to wiggle away, but he was still a little asleep and uncoordinated, and Spencer was wide awake from coffee. Spencer hummed happily to himself, enjoying the way Brendon still smelled like last night’s shower and all the girly shit Ryan insisted on mailing to them. Then he licked and kissed his way back up, totally avoiding Brendon’s dick no matter how much he whined, until he was back nose-to-nose with Brendon.
"You missed the best part," Brendon complained, wiggling against Spencer, and shit, Spencer couldn’t help responding to that. Brendon was half-hard already, and they hadn’t done anything yet.
"Tell me what you want," said Spencer softly.
Brendon reached up and kissed him. "I want you," he said.
"Duh," Spencer agreed. "Tell me what you want from me. I know I’m awesome."
"Is this a test?" Brendon asked suspiciously.
"Yes," said Spencer gravely. "If you fail you never get sex again. Answer wisely."
Brendon laughed. "I want you to fuck me," he said, rolling his hips again. Spencer bit his lip and tried to think unsexy thoughts. "You’re gonna be at Ryan’s house when we get back. I’m gonna miss this. It might be days."
"I can do that," Spencer agreed.
"Can you -" Brendon stopped and bit his lip. He was so gorgeously flushed, and his mouth was still soft and a little sleepy. Spencer loved him like this, first thing in the morning.
"Can I what?" Spencer asked. His arms were starting to get a little tired from holding himself up, so he sat back. He liked the way that made Brendon shudder and close his eyes for a second.
Brendon tugged on his hand. "With that," he said. "Can you come back down here and just… I don’t know. I like it when you hold me down a little."
Spencer had to take a couple of deep, calming breaths. "Yeah?" he said, fighting to keep his voice even. It was amazing what those words did, how they lit him on fire.
Brendon nodded uncertainly. "Like you want me here," he said. "Like even if I do something stupid, you won’t let me - I don’t know, I just-"
Spencer leaned down and kissed him. He moved his hands so they were braced on Brendon’s biceps, pushing him down into the bed, and Brendon moaned, tilting his face up. Spencer wanted every inch of bare skin he could get, he was hot all over, and everything Brendon said made him feel less in control. He couldn’t stop himself from starting to push his hips against Brendon’s, and Brendon moved with him, rubbing against his thigh.
"This isn’t gonna take long," said Brendon, biting Spencer’s lip.
"Shut up, I’m a sex god," Spencer said. He squeezed his hands and Brendon’s eyes fluttered shut for a second. "Where the fuck did we leave the lube?"
"Suitcase," said Brendon indistinctly.
"Don’t move," Spencer ordered. He sat up and leaned over just long enough to kick shit around on the floor and find the lube and a condom, while Brendon laid there, eyes half-closed and enormously dark, breathing hard. "Jesus Christ," said Spencer. Sometimes he still couldn’t quite believe that he got this. That he got Brendon like this.
"Okay, well, I’m not gonna take long if you don’t hurry the fuck up," said Brendon.
Spencer growled, "You’re going to take exactly as long as I want." He kissed Brendon, and Brendon made a muffled, desperate noise against his mouth, shuddering against him . Little sparks flew around the edges of Spencer’s vision, but he used his weight to hold Brendon still, not letting either of them move, until Brendon’s breathing evened out again.
"You," said Brendon, opening his eyes. "You’re such a fucking tease."
Spencer laughed. "I just want to make it worth getting up early," he said. "You good?"
"No," said Brendon grumpily. Spencer kissed him again and then moved, so he could open up the lube. He worked in one finger and waited for Brendon to relax, then another. "I’m ready, I’m fine," Brendon whined, rocking his hips, but Spencer ignored him, because Brendon got impatient and said that no matter what. Spencer worked in a third finger and started moving, because that always made Brendon get a little incoherent, and he couldn’t complain if he couldn’t talk
Brendon’s eyes shut again and he tipped his head back, bracing his hands against the bed to try and get himself a better angle. Spencer pulled his fingers out and wiped his hand off on the bed. "Okay," said Spencer. "Right?"
"Nnn," said Brendon, but he didn’t sound especially sleepy this time. Spencer pulled a pillow down and wedged it under Brendon’s hips, and Brendon pulled his legs up helpfully.
Spencer rolled on the condom, took a deep breath, and pushed in slowly. Brendon always felt amazing, and Spencer didn’t want to rush. "You gonna move?" Brendon asked, gritting his teeth a little.
"You gonna shut up?" Spencer asked. He thrust his hips a little and Brendon’s mouth fell open. "Yeah," Spencer said. "That’s what I thought."
"Smug," Brendon panted, "jackass."
Spencer started moving, as slowly as he could manage, just to annoy Brendon. "Yeah," he said. "Are you really complaining?"
Brendon moaned, and his fingers clenched and unclenched against the sheets. Spencer couldn’t keep himself still watching that; his heart was pounding and his legs were getting sweaty and his arms were shaking. And Brendon was moving, too, making breathy, helpless little noises. Spencer put his hand on Brendon’s cock, working it in the same rhythm they were rocking, and the way Brendon moaned was completely obscene.
Spencer wanted to draw it out, but he couldn’t breathe, he was shaking all over and he was getting sparks up and down his fingers and legs. He tightened his fist around Brendon’s dick, pulling and twisting until Brendon’s back arched and he gasped, coming all over Spencer’s stomach. Spencer was pretty stubborn, but that was too much; his whole body shuddered when Brendon clenched around him, and his vision whited out as heat rolled through him.
He needed a minute to get his breath back, lying on top of Brendon. "We’re gonna be stuck together," Brendon said, pushing at his shoulder. "You’re heavy."
"You like it," Spencer managed.
Brendon laughed. Spencer could feel it everywhere they were pressed together. "You’re gonna use that against me, huh?" he said.
"Whenever possible," Spencer agreed. He groaned and managed to get back to his knees, pulling the condom off and throwing it in the direction he hoped the trash was. Brendon flailed around a little, wiping himself off with the edge of the sheet. Spencer flopped back down next to him.
"You’re gonna have fun with Ryan," said Brendon. "But not this much fun."
Spencer rolled his eyes. "I’ll forget about you the minute I’m back," he said. "Brendon who?"
"As if," said Brendon, and leaned over to kiss him.
Spencer grinned sleepily. "We still have a couple of hours," he said.
Brendon grinned back. "Whatever will we do to pass the time?" he asked.
--
"What kind of fight?" Spencer said.
Ryan crossed his arms and stuck his chin to his chest like a little kid. "Tremendous," he said. "Horrible."
"Uh huh," said Spencer. "What happened?"
"She's wrong," said Ryan. He sounded tired and petulant and stressed out, so Spencer decided to skip the 'why are you so stupid?' speech and go straight for the hug.
Ryan was stiff and angular against him, with his shoulders up and his chin down. "Dude," said Spencer. "You're getting married in a week. You're both stressed out. It'll be fine."
"She took Hobo and went to stay with her cousin," said Ryan. "She took my dog."
Spencer whistled. "Okay," he said. "Tell me everything."
Ryan sat down miserably on the couch, with his chin on his hands, and his elbows on his knees. "I said how's your dress, and she said it was fine, and I said can I see, and she said no, and I said why not, and she said why are you always asking me things, and I said I just wanna see, and she said I'm nosy, and I said she's keeping secrets, and she said I'm crazy, and I said she's crazy and shut up, and then she started crying and took Hobo and left!"
Spencer nodded like that had made sense. "You wanted to see the dress, and she wants to keep it a surprise, and then she left?" he hazarded.
"Yes, and she's never coming back, and everything is ruined, Spencer!" Ryan said despairingly.
"That's… That's really not true," said Spencer.
"I miss her," said Ryan tragically.
It wasn't funny, because his best friend was obviously in a lot of pain, but it was also a little bit hilarious, because Ryan and Keltie were dorks who couldn't even fight and really mean it. "Have you called her?" asked Spencer.
"She's mad at me!" Ryan moaned.
"Yes, of course she is. You made her cry. Did you call her to apologize?"
Ryan made a face.
Spencer held his hand out. "Give me the phone," he said. Ryan handed it over and hid his face in his hands. Spencer rolled his eyes, since Ryan wasn't looking anyway. "Hey," said Spencer, when Keltie picked up. "It's Spencer. How are you doing?"
"Hobo misses her daddy," said Keltie. She sounded like she'd been crying. "I miss her daddy, too."
"Yeah, Ryan misses both of you," said Spencer. "He's really sorry he snapped. He's just feeling stressed about the wedding."
"I'm feeling stressed!" Keltie wailed. "What if the dress isn't good enough and I don't look pretty? What then, Spencer?"
"You'll look gorgeous, you are gorgeous," Spencer sighed. "He's going to love it. Things are going to be fine."
"I don't know," Keltie sniffled.
"Hang on," said Spencer. He held the phone out to Ryan. "Tell her you love her and you're sorry," he ordered.
Ryan looked uncertainly at the phone. "But I made her cry," he said.
"Take. The. Phone," Spencer said, gritting his teeth.
Ryan held the phone like an unexploded grenade. "Um, hi," he said. He paused. "No, I'm sorry. I want the dress to be a surprise, I was just worried that the ties I special-ordered might not go! ... No, I love you. No, I love you!"
Spencer wished Brendon was there. Brendon would have been pretending to throw up all over the place. "Crisis averted?" Spencer asked.
"Shhh," Ryan said. "We're apologizing." He wandered off, reassuring the phone that he loved Hobo and Keltie and flowers and sunshine and weddings.
Spencer laughed, but he was a good friend, so he only laughed for a few minutes.
--
Spencer didn't see Brendon at all that week because he was running around like a crazy person trying to get Ryan's wedding ready. They were getting married at a gorgeous little beach that just happened to be too far away for Ryan to actually go check on the preparations, so Spencer drove to the coast and spent a few days there, on the phone with Ryan, double-checking that the cake was the right shade of turquoise, and the table cloths had the right frilly lace trim. The baker had forgotten to make a hundred tiny cupcakes as favors, with candy starfish on top, and the flowers were all supposed to be dyed blue and white but they were green, and the caterers called up to ask if it was okay to substitute broccoli for cauliflower. Spencer barely slept all week.
The guests started arriving and the hotel couldn't find the favor bags, so Spencer had to go and yell at the receptionists for a while. It was nice to see Pete and Ashlee and Zack and Ryan's step-brothers and Keltie's entire family, but he felt sweaty and gross and exhausted and he wanted to lie down somewhere and wait for the wedding to be over so he could die. Everyone wanted to kiss and hug and talk about what he'd been up to and all Spencer wanted to do was find his room and go to sleep.
Brendon popped up that morning, early, with his asshole sunglasses and his shiny jacket. "You look awful," he said.
"Shut up," said Spencer, blinking hard to stay awake.
Brendon took the box of favors out of his hand. "Everyone gets one of these, right?" he asked.
"No," said Spencer. "I mean, yes, but I told Ryan I would check off the guests when they arrived."
"Yeah," said Brendon, mock-seriously. "I totally have never met Jon Walker, and I definitely can't check him off a list. You look like a zombie, you idiot, go get some sleep. Ryan's gonna be a wreck. He needs you functioning and awake."
"I'm fine," said Spencer, but he let Brendon take the favors out of his hands, along with his multi-colored check-off sheets and his clipboard, and stumbled upstairs. Belatedly he thought he should have kissed Brendon hello or something, but by the time he considered it he already had the lights off, and thirty seconds later he was asleep.
--
Spencer woke up feeling like he was being watched. He blinked a couple of times, trying to make his eyes focus, and when they eventually did there was a tiny person sitting on his bed, with a giant sparkly pink bow in her tufts of baby hair.
"Hi," said Paz.
"Hey," Spencer croaked.
"Hi," said Paz again, and then clapped. "Hi, hi!"
Spencer was saved from saying hi again because Jon came bursting in, turning on the lights. "Where the hell - How did you get up there?" he asked, scooping Paz up.
"Hi!" she said brightly.
"That's her new word this week," said Jon, a little apologetically. "Sorry, did she wake you up?"
"Yeah, but it's cool," said Spencer, sitting up. He ran a hand through his hair. "When did you guys get here?"
"A couple hours ago. Brendon said not to bother you, but Paz isn't big on following directions." He bounced her up and down a couple of times, and she giggled and clapped. "Who's gonna grow up to be daddy's little felon? Is it you? You with the little face?"
"Hi," said Paz, hugging him.
It was seriously vomit-inducingly cute. "I should get up and help out," said Spencer. "I didn't mean to sleep for that long."
"Eh, we were gonna get you up in a little bit anyway," said Jon. "Rehearsal dinner starts in an hour."
That meant Spencer had slept basically the entire day away. "Shit," he said, and then, "Whoops, sorry, I forgot about the baby."
"Bronx has been teaching her swear words all day," said Jon. "No worries."
Brendon elbowed past Jon. "Oh, he's up? Good, Ryan was just having his fifth nervous breakdown of the afternoon. He'd like to talk to you. Apparently everything is wrong, forever, and nothing can ever be fixed again."
"Hey," said Spencer, smiling at him. "Thanks for-"
"Nah," said Brendon, waving a hand around airily. "You know how I get bored. Jon, can I hold her?" He made grabby hands at Paz, who lunged for him and nearly fell on her head. Brendon caught her and she grabbed for his glasses. "Those are not for you," he said. "You're gonna have perfect vision like your daddy. Hey, Spencer, have you seen the wagon they got Hobo?"
"Wagon?" Spencer asked, blinking.
Brendon laughed. "Oh boy," he said. "You are in for a treat."
--
The rehearsal dinner was in a big room with an open wall looking out over the ocean. Spencer had spent a long time overseeing all the little sparkly stars that were glued to the ceiling. There were green lights and tinsel, because Ryan wanted it to look like it was all underwater, he said, and whatever crazy thing Ryan wanted for his wedding he got.
Brendon said, "So? You have a speech? Is it awesome? Can I see?"
"Chill out," said Spencer. He had a speech, but he sort of hated it, and he didn't think it was fair anyway; Ryan was the one who wrote things. Ryan should have written it.
Brendon was bouncing off the walls. "Why can't I see it?" he asked. "Are you going to cry? I'm probably going to cry."
People were starting to come in, so it wasn't the right time, but Spencer crowded Brendon back against the wall anyway. "If you don't chill," he said quietly, "I'm gonna-"
"You're gonna what?" asked Brendon, sticking his chin up and smiling.
Spencer didn't actually have an answer for that except all the ones he couldn't say in public. He pushed his leg between Brendon's bracing his hands on the wall on either side of Brendon's head. "I won't do this," he said, rolling his hips a little.
"Oh yeah?" asked Brendon breathlessly.
"Yeah."
"Try and keep your hands off," said Brendon.
Spencer didn't want to. "Oh, I will," he said.
"Oh no, you won't," said Brendon.
"Yes, I will," said Spencer.
Behind him, Jon cleared his throat way too loudly. Spencer turned. "Hey," said Jon, eyebrows raised. "You two might wanna find a… I don't know, if I say closet are you gonna be offended?"
Brendon burst out laughing. "Are we corrupting your virgin eyes, Jon Walker?" he asked delightedly.
"Paz is gonna come toddling past here any second, and I don't need her getting sex ed before she learns to walk without falling over. I figure the TV can teach her all about that anyway."
"Right, sorry," said Spencer, stepping away from the wall. He felt a little embarrassed and a little horny and he blamed Brendon.
Brendon slipped his hand into Spencer's. "Still nervous?" he asked.
"Fuck you, I don't get nervous," said Spencer.
"Never," said Brendon. "Not you."
--
All Spencer remembered later was that the room looked like it was underwater, and Ryan and Keltie were holding hands under the table. She was wearing a giant yellow flower in her hair, and Ryan had a matching flower in his button hole. The room was full of people and Spencer said something - he hoped it sounded coherent - about love, and friends, and how happy Ryan looked, and then Keltie started to cry, smiling. Brendon started to cry then, too, and he and Keltie hugged, and Ryan beamed, and Spencer stumbled through some words about how Ryan deserved all the good things in the world, and Ryan hugged him, and Jon started clapping, and Spencer got to sit down again.
"How did it go?" Spencer whispered to Brendon, once Pete was standing up to give his speech, full of embarrassing stories and hilarious Ryan anecdotes.
"Shane filmed it," Brendon whispered back. "You can watch it sometime. It was good."
"Okay," said Spencer. "Thanks."
--
Spencer got pretty drunk. Brendon got drunker. Brendon was always pretty touchy but by halfway through the party he was sitting on Spencer's lap, making really dirty jokes. Ryan and Jon and Keltie and Cassie pretended not to notice, which was nice.
All Spencer wanted was to take Brendon back up to their hotel room and get naked, but he was the best man and he couldn't ditch Ryan for sex. "I totally won't ditch you for sex," he told Ryan a couple of times, and both times Ryan nodded patiently. Ryan was a little drunk.
Keltie was having some sort of crisis with her bridesmaids; apparently someone had lost her shoes and someone else was having a fight with the boy she'd brought as a date, so Keltie kept having to get up and stop people from crying in the hallway. "Happens all the time at weddings," Brendon assured Spencer gravely. "There's always fighting and crises and shit. My brother, right, his car broke down and he was an hour late and my sister-in-law thought he wasn't coming and got in to a yelling match with her mother about whether he was good enough for her. And it was like, in the middle of the party, so everyone heard everything. Christmas that year suuuuucked. Plus, Mormon wedding, so no booze. Totally awful."
"I think maybe we wrote a song like that one time," said Spencer, and Brendon giggled.
"You two are officially making me sick," said Jon.
"Bring back the baby, Jon," said Brendon. Cassie had taken Paz upstairs to bed a while earlier. "No one wants to talk to you anymore, we just want the baaaaaby."
"Have your own, then," said Jon. He finished off his third or fourth glass of champagne. "You guys look comfy enough. Is the next wedding gonna be your big gay extravaganza?"
Brendon had been leaning back against Spencer's chest, totally loose-limbed and relaxed, but he sat up, back suddenly rigid. "It's not like that," he said.
Jon shrugged. "I better be best man," he said. "I'm gonna make the most horrifically embarrassing speech, you just wait."
Brendon wasn't breathing, and Spencer wasn't sure why. "Let's just get through Ryan's, huh?" said Spencer. He put his hand over Brendon's and waited for Brendon to relax again.
"I need another drink," said Brendon, sliding off Spencer's chair. "I'll be back."
"Did I say something?" Jon asked.
Spencer shrugged. "Everyone's weird about weddings," he said.
--
Brendon kept the TV in their room on. "We have to be up in like, two hours," Spencer groaned finally.
"You want me to put it on mute?" Brendon asked.
"I want you to turn it off and come here," Spencer said, flopping the blanket around grumpily.
"I'm not tired," said Brendon. "I'm gonna go for a walk, see if I can tire myself out or whatever."
Spencer sat up. "Seriously," he said. "It's like, four in the morning."
"Too much sugar," said Brendon, which was weird, because he hadn’t really eaten dessert. "Sorry I'm keeping you up." He leaned over and kissed Spencer and then jumped off the bed, grabbing his jeans and sneakers.
"If you wake me up when you get back I'm gonna be pissed," Spencer yawned, frowning.
"I'll be quiet like a church mouse," said Brendon, smiling and tilting his head. "Don't worry."
It took Spencer forever to get to sleep after that. His stomach was weirdly unsettled and the bed felt cold.
--
When Spencer woke up Brendon was burrowed under the blankets on the other side. Spencer would have let him sleep in, but they needed to be dressed and downstairs for the wedding.
He shook Brendon awake. "You slept in your jeans?" Spencer asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Loud," said Brendon, yawning. "I always…" His eyes shut again and his breathing started evening out.
Spencer had a pretty good idea that the end of the sentence would have been something about how Brendon always managed to knock over furniture or break something when he tried to undress in the dark. "You have to get up," said Spencer, shoving Brendon until he sat up. "Shower, I'll make coffee. Ryan Ross is getting married in a few hours."
"Is it okay if I still think that's kind of weird?" Brendon asked. He stumbled into the bathroom.
Spencer thought it was weird, too, but he was dealing with it. "Hurry up!" he yelled.
"Yeah, yeah," Brendon called back. "Keep your pants on."
"I don't have pants on," Spencer said.
Brendon threw a towel at him. Spencer felt better about the whole day.
--
They spent most of the day holding Ryan's hand while he said, "I can't believe it's today," over and over in various tones of awe, worry, and impatience. At one point Brendon did a handstand and fell over and got his blue tuxedo all dirty, but Keltie's mom took care of it with soda water, a washcloth, and a stern lecture to behave himself.
"Do you know my favorite part of beach weddings?" Jon asked. "Formal flip flops. Check this shit out." He wiggled his toes happily.
"I can't believe I'm getting married today," said Ryan.
"You know who's overrated?" said Spencer. "Chuck Palahniuk. That dude can barely write."
Ryan spluttered with anger for a minute and then started in on what Spencer fondly called 'lecture number four: reasons why Invisible Monsters is so much better than anything else ever written in the English language.' Brendon hid a giggle in Jon's shoulder.
--
They got married on the beach, almost in the surf. It was a little hard to hear the ceremony, but it didn't matter, because it was sunny and warm and everyone was smiling. Brendon played the wedding march on his guitar and Paz and Hobo were pulled down the aisle in a red Radio Flyer wagon by Zack, looking solemn. Paz threw out handfuls of rose petals, mostly getting them stuck to Hobo. Hobo was sitting on a box with the rings in it. Keltie's dress was amazing; it was short and turquoise and layer after layer of frothy lace that went perfectly with the slightly insane blue lace ties Ryan had bought for his groomsmen.
"Short dresses don't get sandy," Jon whispered.
"Plus, Keltie has really hot legs," Brendon whispered back.
Ryan was the only person on earth who would have worn a full three-piece suit with formal leather shoes to the beach, but he didn't look hot or sweaty or any weirder than usual. And the way he smiled at Keltie it was hard for Spencer to even come up with anything sarcastic to whisper to Brendon.
--
There was dancing back at the hotel, looking over the ocean, and somehow in the press of family wanting to hug Spencer and congratulate Ryan, Spencer lost track of Brendon. Ryan didn't have a lot of family around, but Spencer did, and Keltie did, and there were lots of hands to shake and cheeks to kiss and people to try and recognize from Christmas four years earlier.
"Where the hell did my boyfriend go?" Spencer asked Jon, when people started sitting down.
Jon shrugged. Paz was getting a little fussy, being stuck in a dress and shoes for so many hours in a row. "He's a little dude," said Jon. "Did you look under the chairs?"
"Shut up," said Spencer.
Paz kicked fretfully. "Daaaaaa," she complained, pulling at the straps of her sandals.
"Dude, she is so your daughter," Spencer said.
"She's not even a year old," said Jon. "She is already deliberately losing her shoes so we can't make her wear them. That's not normal."
"It might be in the Walker household," Spencer pointed out, and went off to look for Brendon.
He wasn't anywhere in the reception hall, and he wasn't back in their hotel room. Spencer texted him an annoyed were the fuck ru? and went back downstairs.
It was just coincidence that Spencer happened to pass by one of the balconies looking out over the beach.
It was just coincidence that Spencer saw Brendon standing out there, making his stupid flirty face at one of the girls serving drinks.
It was just coincidence that Spencer was watching when Brendon leaned in a little too close and kissed her.
There was a weird rushing noise in Spencer's ears, like the ocean had gotten a lot louder, and for a minute he felt dizzy and hot and cold, and then just numb all over.
Spencer pushed the door open. "Hey," he heard someone saying. "We're gonna be late and Ryan's waiting."
Brendon jerked back and stared at him, but he didn't look guilty, exactly. Shocked. His mouth was open and it was kind of red because he'd been kissing someone else.
"Let's go," said Spencer.
"Spencer," Brendon said, and his voice was shaking a little.
"Ryan's waiting," Spencer repeated. His voice was so flat and cold and he didn't know what to do. He didn't want to scream or cry or anything. "We have to go downstairs."
Brendon frowned at him. He was close enough to punch, Spencer thought, and wondered if he should. "I can-" Brendon started.
It was totally out of Spencer's control, the way his arm flew out and shoved Brendon back against the wall. He hit with a thud, and Spencer hoped it really hurt. "Dinner," said Spencer. "And then I'm going home."
"Spencer," said Brendon again in a tiny voice.
Spencer turned on his heel and walked off.
--
Ryan was too distracted by smiling at Keltie and Hobo and Jon and Paz and the entire world to notice that Spencer was just sitting there, staring at his plate. He managed to muster up a couple of smiles for the grandparents, but all the conversation at dinner was just background noise, and Spencer couldn't follow any of it.
"Hey," said Jon. "Why's Brendon sitting over there?"
"I don't know," said Spencer, and didn't look.
--
Spencer texted Ryan family emergency, g2g and drove home a little after midnight.
Ryan didn’t text him back until almost noon the next day, which was probably because of all the wedding-night sex he was having, and Spencer totally didn't begrudge him that. All Spencer was doing was sitting on his couch, waiting for his chest to stop hurting all the time.
U ok? Did u and bden fight? he looks shitty.
Idk, ud have to ask him, Spencer texted back, and turned his phone off.
--
"What the fuck," Ryan said.
Spencer had forgotten Ryan had a key to his place. "Hey," he said.
Ryan put his hands on his hips and tried really hard for menacing. "You turned off your phone," he said. "Two days, and I'm supposed to be all happy that I got married and instead I'm freaking out that my best friend killed himself or something."
"I'm not that dramatic," Spencer mumbled. He flipped the TV off. "I'm just sitting around."
"Not eating," said Ryan.
Spencer shrugged.
"Not talking to me," Ryan added.
Spencer shrugged again.
Ryan sat down on the couch next to him. "Hey," he said. "What the fuck happened?"
Spencer didn't know the right words to explain it. "I was wrong," he said finally, looking at the rug. It was pretty ugly. He needed a new one.
"Yeah?" said Ryan quietly. "What did he do?"
Spencer laughed bitterly. "He… It was all wrong, it was all stupid, I don't want to talk about it."
Ryan leaned against his shoulder. He was boney but he was warm, and Spencer closed his eyes. "Okay," said Ryan.
--
Ryan made food and Spencer tired to eat it, but he mostly felt tired and cold and achey all over. "Maybe I just have the flu," he said.
"Love flu?" asked Ryan, and his eyes got all weird and distant.
"If you and Jon write a song called Love Flu I am not playing on it," said Spencer.
"Okay, you don't have the love flu," Ryan conceded. "Do you want to talk to him? Should I call him? Or beat him up? Or-"
"I just need some time," said Spencer. "A year or two, to get my head together again."
"It's okay to be really upset," said Ryan.
Spencer shook his head. "It's not even like that," he said. "I just… I want to crawl under the blankets and never come out again. When Haley left I cried a little, got drunk a little, and dealt with it. I don't feel anything about this. Just… sad."
"Oh, man," said Ryan.
"Sad and stupid," Spencer said. "Because I thought we had… I really thought he was… That we were… And I was wrong, I was deluded, he's still the same fucking Brendon he always was, and I'm stupid. I'm so stupid." His eyes started burning.
"I thought so, too," said Ryan. "We all did."
Spencer shook his head and pressed his lips together, because his chest was hurting again. He wiped the back of his hand across his eyes, because he wasn't going to cry over this. It was too stupid.
"You're gonna be okay," said Ryan.
Spencer wrapped his arms around himself and shook his head.
--
"I love you," said Ryan. "But the thing is, I'm supposed to leave on my honeymoon tomorrow."
Spencer nodded tiredly.
Ryan wasn't nearly as good a cuddler as Brendon had been, but Spencer didn't want to think about that ever again. Ryan wrapped his arms around Spencer. "So if I'm calling the honeymoon off you need to let me know," Ryan went on. "Keltie will understand."
"Fuck, no she won't," said Spencer. "You're going, Ryan, Jesus Christ."
"I can stay," said Ryan stubbornly. "I'll stay for you."
"I'll kick you out."
"I have a key."
"I'll change the locks."
Ryan sighed. "Maybe you should talk to him."
"No," said Spencer. "I don't have anything to say to him."
"I can't leave you alone like this."
"I'll still be like this when you get back," Spencer promised. "You won't miss anything."
"Shut up," said Ryan, and hugged harder.
--
Ryan spent the night in Spencer's bed, and then he left in the morning because Spencer made him. "Please go," said Spencer. "You only get one shot at this."
"I'll stay," Ryan said, but he wanted to be with Keltie, and Spencer wanted him to be happy.
Spencer pushed him out the door and went back to his couch. He turned the TV on to local news, so he wouldn't have to actually listen to it, and tipped his head back to stare at the ceiling.
If he ever stopped feeling numb all over this was really going to hurt.
--
By the end of the week Spencer had started eating again, although he still didn't care about it. Ryan was texting him approximately every ten minutes from Europe. We just saw a castle, ru ok? Or could stay in paris 4eva drinking wine and cheese how ru doing?
Spencer texted back, stop ignoring ur wife, and tried to pretend he wasn't incredibly grateful for Ryan.
--
Brendon called Monday night. It had been over a week. Spencer stared at the phone uncertainly, like maybe he was reading it wrong. He'd wanted to delete Brendon's number, but that didn’t make sense; they were still in a band. Some day he was going to have to talk to Brendon again.
He clicked the green button but he didn't say anything.
"Spencer," said Brendon. "Can I… Can I come over and apologize?"
"I don't want to talk to you," said Spencer. His voice was rusty and deep because he hadn't said anything out loud to anyone since Ryan had left.
"Please," said Brendon. "I'm sorry."
He sounded miserable and tired. Spencer was glad. He clicked the phone off and grabbed himself a beer.
--
Brendon didn't call back, so Spencer sort of figured he'd given up, but an hour later there was banging on Spencer's door. Spencer sighed.
He opened the door a crack. Brendon was pale and he looked like he hadn't slept since the wedding. "I need to talk to you," said Brendon, determinedly sticking his hands in his pockets and straightening his arms, forcing his shoulders up around his ears.
"For the good of the band," said Spencer, "I'm not gonna punch you in the face."
"You can if you want," said Brendon. He put up his chin. "Free shot. Hell, two. I deserve it."
"You do," Spencer agreed. "But that's not really my style."
"I need to apologize," said Brendon.
Spencer shook his head. "What the hell are you gonna say?" he said. "Sorry I hit on someone else at our friend's wedding? Sorry I made you look like an idiot? Sorry I'm a shitty person?"
Brendon hunched a little. "All of that, yeah," he said. He stared hard at his shoes. "I don’t think this is gonna end with you forgiving me or anything," Brendon said quietly. "But Jon and Ryan both… If we're gonna work together they both think we ought to talk. I'm sorry," he said. His voice was getting shaky the way it did before he cried.
If Brendon cried, Spencer was going to want to feel badly for him, and Spencer couldn't handle that. "Fine," he said. "Come on in." He turned and walked away from the door.
He wished he'd showered in the last few days, but Brendon looked pretty awful, too. "Okay," said Brendon. "Okay, good." He put his hands in his hoodie pockets and followed Spencer.
Spencer got himself another beer and sat down on the couch. Brendon stood there uncertainly, like he didn't know if he was allowed to sit, and Spencer sure as hell wasn't going to invite him to. He wanted Brendon to say whatever it was and leave. Brendon bit his lip and fidgeted, and Spencer's instinct was to reach out for him, so he held his beer a little tighter and stared until Brendon dropped his eyes.
"I'm sorry," Brendon said.
"Yeah, you said that," said Spencer. "If that's all, you can go-"
"No," Brendon said hastily. "No, I… I fucked up. I was scared and I was tired and I did something so stupid that I… I kind of can't believe I did it."
"I had trouble for a while, too," said Spencer dryly. "I got over it."
Brendon nodded miserably. "All I was thinking about was how overwhelmed I felt, with Ryan getting married, and Jon saying that about us, and… I…"
"You wanted me to dump you so it wouldn't all be so serious," said Spencer harshly. Brendon flinched. "You're pretty transparent when you're a fucking moron."
"I just don't want a house," Brendon blurted.
Spencer stared at him. "Did I offer to buy you one?" he asked.
"I don't… Paz is cute, but I don't want kids, and I don't want a house, and I don't want to quit touring and playing, and I'm sorry," Brendon said.
"Why would I make you quit touring?" Spencer asked. He felt tired all over. "That doesn't even make sense."
Brendon shrugged helplessly. "People who… When they get serious, they move to Chicago and have babies, or they get married and stop touring."
"I'm not Ryan and you're not Keltie," Spencer snapped. "Why would we do that?"
"I don't know, I'm sorry," said Brendon, and he sounded like he was going to cry again. "All I could think about was my parents, and their house and their kids and their lives, with the fence around the yard, and the grandkids, and how much I don't want that. But Ryan's going to have a house like that, and Jon has kids, and, and-"
He hiccupped and every instinct Spencer'd had since he'd met Brendon wanted him to reach out and give Brendon a hug, but he refused to give in.
"The thing is," said Brendon, struggling to keep his voice even. "The thing is, if I had to pick between touring and you, I don't know what I'd do. I love touring and making music too much to give it up ever, for anyone, but I love you, and this is a shitty time to realize it, but that's all I've been able to think about since I… Since you left."
Spencer was going to cry, too, if he wasn’t careful. He wasn't sure Brendon deserved to see that. "You're so dumb," said Spencer tightly. "I didn't try to make you stay home. I went on tour with you."
"But that was before we were serious," said Brendon.
"I was always serious about you," said Spencer. "That's the difference between us. You were never-"
"I was! I just… I figured it out too late." Brendon took a deep, shuddering breath. "Anyway," he said. "That was what I wanted to say. I love you. And I'm sorry."
He waited, but Spencer didn't say anything. He was holding on too tightly to how angry he was, because if he let go of that he was going to say something stupid.
"Okay," said Brendon finally. "Thanks for hearing me out." He nodded a couple of times to himself and headed out.
Brendon had his hand on the knob and the door open, when Spencer was surprised to hear himself say, "You fucked up."
"I… Yeah," Brendon agreed, stopping. He turned a little. "I did."
Spencer stood up. "If I hadn't come by then, would you have fucked her?"
Brendon shook his head quickly. "I've never felt so bad in my life," he said. "I've fucked around a lot, and I've slept around a lot, but I've never felt like that before. Even before I knew you were there. That's when I realized that I wasn't just dating you, that I wasn't just hanging out with you until you got bored, or I got bored, or you got back with Haley."
"None of that was going to happen," said Spencer. He was so baffled by Brendon's brain sometimes.
"I know," said Brendon. "That was the scary part."
Spencer's chest felt heavy, and his stomach was churning. "I can't just pretend like that didn’t happen," he said.
"I know," said Brendon again. He turned the doorknob back and forth nervously. "If you… If you think you could forgive me, though, some day, I'd… Anything, Spencer. Anything you want."
"I want you to never have kissed her," said Spencer. Brendon's face fell. "But I can't… I mean. I knew you were freaking out, and I didn't say anything." He walked over to the door.
"When I'm with you I don't want to be anywhere else," Brendon said, almost whispering. "And I'm terrified, because I've never felt that way, and I don't know what to do."
"Tell me you can deal with that," Spencer said.
Brendon nodded. "Scary things aren't as scary with you around," he said. He laughed a little bitterly. "It's so fucking ironic."
Spencer took a deep breath. "I need time," he said.
"Right, obviously, of course," Brendon said quickly. "I'm gonna go home, I won't call or anything, you can call me if you want to-"
"Stay," said Spencer. "Can you just… I miss you."
They stared at each other for a long minute.
"I'm not sure that's a good idea," said Brendon cautiously. "I... I don't want you to wonder, later, if you shouldn't have. I don't want you to be hasty and then later hate me for it. Hate me more, I mean."
Spencer's eyes were burning again. "I don't hate you," he said. "I wish I hated you. I'm disappointed and I'm mad, but mostly I love you. I missed you so much."
"I'm never going to do that again," Brendon promised quietly. "But I probably will screw up somehow. I don't think I make a very good boyfriend."
"If it's not you being maliciously stupid then we'll deal with it," said Spencer. "Couples fight. Couples who are serious fight and then they talk about it and then they deal with it."
It was kind of a challenge. Spencer waited for Brendon to freak out or say but we're not that serious or something.
Brendon nodded. "You want me to find a therapist?" he asked. "I probably should anyway."
"I just want you to stay," said Spencer.
Brendon let go of the door. "Okay," he said.
Spencer was having a little trouble remembering how to breathe. "Can we just… I don't know. Can we just go to bed? I haven't been sleeping really well lately."
"I haven't slept at all," said Brendon. He shut the door and followed Spencer into the bedroom.
Spencer kicked off his shoes, but he didn’t get undressed, he just crawled on top of the blankets up to the pillow. He felt a million years old. Brendon hesitated, watching him. "C'mon," said Spencer.
Brendon nodded and kicked off his shoes, and then sat hesitantly on the bed. After a minute he leaned back against the headboard, arms around his drawn-up knees.
"No," said Spencer. "Come here." He tugged on Brendon's hand, and it was weird to think that he hadn't touched Brendon once since Brendon had shown up at his door. He liked touching Brendon. He missed it.
"I'm sorry," Brendon whispered. He scooted down so he was lying next to Spencer.
"Say the other part," said Spencer, lacing his fingers through Brendon's. "Say the important part."
Brendon knew what he meant. "I love you," said Brendon, and he didn't sound scared or forced or anything but sincere. "I love you."
"Okay," said Spencer, and squeezed his hand.
--
Spencer woke up wrapped around Brendon. His arm was tight around Brendon's waist and his leg was hooked over Brendon's and his chin was tucked into the crook of Brendon's neck. Brendon was breathing evenly, mouth open, lashes fanned across his cheek. There were still circles under his eyes, but he looked better than he had the night before.
"Hey," Spencer whispered. He squeezed a little. Brendon was so warm.
Brendon snuffled quietly.
"Hey," Spencer repeated, kissing Brendon's neck. "Wake up."
Brendon yawned and stretched. He rolled onto his back, blinking sleepily up at Spencer. "Hi," he said, smiling.
"Missed you," said Spencer.
For a second confusion flickered over Brendon's face. Then he smiled again. "I missed you, too," he said. He wrapped his arms around Spencer's neck and pulled him down for a morning-breath kiss.
"You forgot we were fighting," Spencer laughed, pulling back.
"I just woke up!" Brendon protested. "I can't remember every little thing. Sorry, Stan. Whoops, I mean Steve. I mean-"
Spencer's hands were lined up just right to tickle, so he did, but he didn't try very hard to make Brendon roll away.
--
Brendon stayed. He made breakfast and sat on Spencer's couch and talked about the dog he saw at the mall in the pet store window that almost made him cry, because he couldn't take her home, and his new obsession with listening to Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain on repeat, and how he'd talked to Ryan about playing the ukulele but playing it was way harder than guitar, and Amanda Palmer had offered to help him out.
Spencer made fun of him, and nodded in all the right places, and thought about how weird it was that things felt mostly normal again. His stomach still hurt a little bit, and he felt a little more wary, but Brendon was there.
Brendon stopped talking, looking uncertain. "What?" he said. "Did I say something?"
Spencer shook his head. "I can't believe I missed having some fucking peace and quiet," Spencer joked. His throat hurt. "What the fuck." He sprawled out across the couch, with his head in Brendon's lap, and stole the remote.
"What were you thinking?" Brendon asked, carding his fingers through Spencer's hair.
"I don't know," said Spencer.
"I can shut up," Brendon offered.
Spencer laughed. "No, you can't," he said. "Don't bother."
Brendon grinned.
--
After a couple of days they called Ryan. He'd been texting regularly, but Spencer was oddly reluctant to mention their reconciliation just in case Ryan didn't believe in it.
"So, guess who's with me," said Spencer finally, after a few minutes of hearing about how Keltie loved Rome, and was planning to buy a moped and stay there forever.
"Your mom?" said Ryan. "Dude, it's three AM here, I can't play guessing games."
"No," said Spencer. His pulse was weirdly fast. "Brendon."
There was a long pause. "You guys talked?" said Ryan.
"Yeah. We're… We're working things out."
"Oh, thank god," said Ryan, and Spencer could breathe again. "I thought Jon and I were gonna have to club you both and lock you in a basement or something."
Spencer laughed. "You're always looking out for me, huh?"
"Dude. I want you to be happy. And he makes you happy."
Spencer grinned at Brendon, who was standing a little uncertainly in the doorway to the living room. "Here, tell him," said Spencer, holding the phone out.
Brendon fidgeted a little as he took the phone. "I said I was really, really, really, really sorry," he blurted, before Ryan could say hello. Brendon waited a second. "Yeah," he said, and then, "Yeah. No, I know. I won't. I will totally let you kill me, too, don't worry." There was a longer pause. "Holy shit," said Brendon. "Say that again."
Spencer raised an eyebrow. "What?" he said. "What's up?"
Brendon flapped a hand at him. "You did?" he said. "No, seriously? Oh my god!" He turned to Spencer, full-on beaming. "Ryan says he's all inspired and shit. He's started writing songs. He wants to record when he and Keltie get back."
"Oh, dude!" said Spencer. "We're gonna rent the Jon Walker family a house out here, so we can play with Paz full time."
"It's gonna be amazing," said Brendon, and turned back to the phone. "You - No, fuck you, B flat. Why would you write anything in - Yeah, no, I can play the ukulele for sure. Oh my god, come back tomorrow." He paused. "Okay, when Keltie stops yelling tell her I was just kidding, take your time, we'll be waiting." He flashed Spencer another grin.
Spencer laced his fingers through Brendon's and tugged him back down on to the couch. "We'll be waiting," he repeated, and he couldn't stop smiling.