Don't Carry It All (Jesse Eisenberg/Andrew Garfield) 2/3
Title: Don't Carry It All
Fandom: TSN RPF (Jesse Eisenberg/Andrew Garfield)
previous
"Are you drunk, honey?" Emma asked. She always sounded a little throaty, like she'd been smoking and drinking whiskey. It made Jesse feel bad for sounding a little like Kermit the Frog.
"No," he said. "Well. Let me check. No."
"He had half a beer," said Justin. "No one could possibly be drunk on half a beer. He needs a keg."
Jesse was lying on Justin's couch with his arm over his eyes. Why did Justin's office have its own couch? It was mysterious. Equally mysterious was where Emma - who wore pointy heels and kept her hair up in a bun all day - had found sweat pants and a six pack of beer. Jesse had taken off his jacket and his tie, but he felt just as uncomfortable as he had before.
"I've never actually seen a keg," said Jesse. "I always picture those things from Bugs Bunny cartoons."
"Oh dude, this one time-" Justin began.
"You have to email him and tell him the truth," said Emma. Justin had caught her up on the whole debacle. Jesse hadn't been able to look at her since.
"I can't."
"Just tell him the picture got reversed in email!" said Justin. Emma flicked his ear. "Ow. What? It happens."
"But I sent him more pictures," Jesse moaned. "I compounded the lie. Lies work in logarithms, they go up by squares."
"I don't know what that means," said Justin, "and I don't care. You can't move to Hong Kong and you can't fake your own death, so I think you have to tell him the truth. If he's mad then he's mad."
Jesse tried to imagine Andrew mad and couldn't. Andrew would just get sad. That was worse. "I don't want him to be mad," he mumbled.
"What did you think was going to happen?" Emma asked.
"I thought… I mean, I thought he would be in London! It seemed reasonable. He lives there."
"Let's look on the bright side," said Justin.
"Okay," said Jesse. "Tell me the bright side."
"Well," said Justin, and stopped. "Okay, he… I mean, you're definitely… The bright side is that he actually likes you. So now we just have to get him past your compulsive lying so you two can live happily ever after together."
Jesse blinked. "Wait," he said, sitting up. "Hang on, I just had a thought." He waved his hands around a little bit, trying to make the thoughts form words that made sense. "The thing is. The thing is, he lives in London! Justin, that's amazing."
"Yo, are you okay?" asked Justin. "Because that's not amazing so much as basic information."
"What's the longest he could possibly be coming to New York?" asked Jesse. He could feel the vaguest glimmer of hope bubbling up inside his lungs, making him trip over the words. "A week, maybe? And he'll be working for some of it. And then he'll be gone again, back to London, where it won't matter anymore. I only have to fake it for a day or two!"
Emma frowned a little and turned to look at Justin, who shrugged in a distinctly it's-not-my-fault way. "Honey," Emma said, "you can't pretend to be Justin for a day. And it's really not a good idea to pretend to be Justin for the rest of your lives."
"No, I - I - I - because Justin can pretend to be Justin!" Jesse said excitedly.
"Whoa," said Justin, "hold up. What now?"
"You'd be you. I mean me. I mean you'd meet Andrew. That would fix everything!"
He was clutching the arm of the couch so tightly that his knuckles had gone completely white. He just needed Justin to understand why this was so important. If he could put Andrew off for a day or two Andrew would go back to London and Jesse could… Well, keep lying to him, or figure out how to tell him the truth slowly, or anything.
"I think you might actually have gone crazy," Emma said. "Justin is nothing like you."
"But he could be," Jesse insisted.
"Nuh uh," said Justin. "I have style."
"Please," said Jesse. "It's just for one date. It's just an hour of your life."
"Hey," said Justin, affronted. "My dates are awesome, they last way longer than an hour."
Emma smacked him on shoulder. "You don't get to sleep with Andrew."
Justin crossed his arms. "Well, I could if I took him on a date," he said petulantly. Emma and Jesse both stared at him. "I could," Justin insisted. "I'm just saying!"
"More lying is a bad idea," said Emma, and for a second Jesse was sure he was going to bust into tears. He just… He just couldn't deal with this right now, he needed some kind of plan, something to take the edge off how incredibly horrible he felt about being so terrified of meeting someone he was pretty sure he was falling in love with. He should have been ecstatic to meet Andrew, and instead it was making him physically sick. He'd screwed everything up by lying but maybe if he could just get himself a little bit of space to figure out what to do next and how to fix it…
"Breathe," said Justin.
"It's a bad idea," Emma repeated, sighing, "but maybe it makes sense."
"Say what?" Justin demanded. "How does this make sense?"
She shrugged. "Frankly, I want to check this guy out in person before I let him near Jesse. Sorry, babe. You're kind of fragile and who knows what kind of people are on the internet these days?"
Jesse knew. Andrew was awesome and cute and bubbly and wonderful. But he bit his lip and nodded because he needed Emma's support.
Justin shrugged. "I guess it's no big deal. I've lied to plenty of girls," he said. Emma hit him again. "What? Ow! Not you!"
"Please," Jesse repeated.
Justin looked at him and made a face, and then looked at Emma, who was also giving him big sad eyes, and shrugged, throwing his hands up. "Fine!" he said. "But this is stupid, because no one who met me could possibly think I'm a shut-in map collector with cats."
"Thank you," said Jesse earnestly. "Seriously, thank you. You have no idea, I - I just - I can't, I -"
"You're gonna owe me forever," said Justin. He drew the word out. "Forrrrevvvvverrrr."
"I know," said Jesse. "It's okay. Thank you." A huge weight was off his chest, even if that just meant it was hovering above his head, waiting to drop a little bit later.
Emma gave Jesse a hug. "We'll figure out how to make this work, babe. I promise."
"We won't," said Jesse, feeling a little giddy and horribly honest. "I know we won't in the long run. I just… I need a little more time where everything is okay."
"I don’t have to dress like you, though, right?" Justin complained. "I don't own anything that looks like cats slept on it on the floor all night."
Emma smacked him again. Jesse kind of loved her.
--
When you don't reply to my emails it makes me feel like this, said Andrew, and attached a picture of himself exaggeratedly sticking out his lower lip and looking tragically sad. I'm going to be there in two weeks, and I will FIND YOU, okay, there are only so many cat rescues in New York. Don't make me go slogging about to all of them asking after you. I'LL DO IT. I HAVE TWO WHOLE NON-WORK DAYS.
Really, though. Email me. :(((((((((
-A
--
It took Jesse a little while to nerve himself to reply. And when he did he decided to be as honest as he possibly could, without… Well. Without mentioning the giant, horrible lie.
I would love to spend time with you. I'd love to get to know you in real life. Every day I wish you were around so we could just sit around and talk about this kind of stuff - I'd love to hear you talk about bands in person. I bet you get really excited about all the little musical nuances I don't even hear. I bet your whole face lights up when you get to the part where the drums kick in or the tempo changes, and you need to share your headphones so everyone else can appreciate it, too. I've imagined what you look like when you're happy and when you're sad and when you're thrilled and a million other things. I would love to know if you think I'm funny when you hear me in real life, talking about my cats and my maps and my job, or if you just think I'm weird and awkward. But I'm worried you won't like me as much in person. It scares me absolutely to death.
There, that was pretty off-putting and desperate, I guess. I just really like you. It's kind of a secret, please don't tell.
-J
He put on the kettle to make himself some more tea. Raskolnikov seemed to know that something was going on, and he jumped up on Jesse's lap and curled up, purring. Sure, he also licked his own balls a little, and then scratched Jesse when he tried to stop petting him, but it was nice. It was companionship. You couldn't betray a cat unless you didn't feed him, and Jesse was much too guilt-ridden to ever not feed something that didn't have thumbs.
The mild scratches were more than worth the purring Jesse probably didn't deserve.
--
Jesse spent every second of every day concentrating on work so he didn't have to be nervous about lying more to Andrew. And there was the giant dinner to prepare. Jesse was good at making lists and ensuring that things were all exactly where they belonged at the right exact moment. Justin called Jesse their "secret weapon," since it didn't make a lot of sense that he was great at charming clients, and yet inevitably after a big dinner they'd end up telling the firm that Jesse had somehow been the lynchpin in deciding to sign with them.
Justin was also incredibly distracting. He considered the banquet a giant party and he was loved giant parties, so when he wasn't making ridiculous mixes for the dj to play or planning his outfit down to the last detail of his pocket handkerchief he was quizzing Jesse about himself. He developed a habit of wandering in to Jesse's office and asking bizarre things with no preamble.
"So if I were you, would I start the conversation with my cats, or would I wait for a lull?" or "I've been trying all morning to get my collar to be weird and rumply but it won't do it," or "What's the last really big boring book you read, so I can get the SparkNotes on it?"
"I'll write all my info on your arm," said Jesse, deadpan. "You can just roll up your sleeve casually and check. I'm sure he won't notice a thing."
Justin glared. "Yeah, well, I’m gonna have to go sleep in a ditch for a couple of days to get my hair and my clothes to look convincingly like yours."
"He flies in on Wednesday," said Jesse, amazed he could even manage those words without shaking all over. "You have a couple of days to prepare your suit."
"Are you gonna talk to him on the phone?"
Jesse made a really complicated face, one part I-don't-know and two parts Do-you-think-I-should and a little bit Oh-god-everything-is-going-to-blow-up-in-my-face with just a sprinkle of I-really-want-to-hear-his-voice. "We don't really sound alike," said Jesse, biting his lip.
Justin rolled his eyes. "We also don't have the same hobbies, know the same people, or both like cats. I don't think that's what's gonna make this a bad idea."
"You think I should?" Jesse asked. "I mean. Then you'll have to have my phone Thursday."
"Dude," said Justin. "How are you not already having phone sex? What is the point of having an online boyfriend if you aren't having cyber sex?"
"I - I don't - I mean, what do you say -"
"I don't have gay phone sex," Justin said. "I don't know. 'Oooh, big guy, stick it in me,' I guess."
"Justin," said Jesse. "Get out of my office."
"Maybe something about his dick being delicious," Justin mused. "That would work on me."
"For the millionth time, you are not going to sleep with him on my behalf," said Jesse.
"I can make it really good. He'll totally never dump you."
For just a second Jesse was intensely, crazily jealous, and then he tamped it down again. He'd asked Justin for this favor, after all, and he knew Justin was mildly insane. "No," said Jesse flatly. "And try not to be so… You know, you, all the time."
Justin drew himself up, affronted. "Lots of people like me just the way I am, you know."
"Yeah, well, Andrew likes me," said Jesse. "So go do some SAT prep or try to read a fourth grade book or something."
Justin pointed at him seriously, but failed to come up with any kind of retort, and after a second he shrugged. "Phone sex, bro. That's where it's at."
"You think he'd… want to?" Jesse asked.
Justin burst out laughing. Jesse threw some post-it notes at him.
--
"I've landed!" said Andrew. "I'm actually in your city, on your soil, in this place where you actually live!"
His voice was exactly like Jesse had thought it would be, but it was better somehow, too. His accent was so cute, and his bubbling excitement made all the things Jesse had to say freeze in his chest somewhere.
"Hello?" said Andrew. "Have I lost the signal? The cab is noisy, can you hear me?"
"Hi," said Jesse. "Uh, hi. I mean. Hi." His hand was so sweaty he was worried he might drop his blackberry. Justin and Emma were both standing just outside the door to his office, trying to look like they weren't listening when they clearly, clearly were.
"You've got a voice!" Andrew crowed. "Oh my god, I knew you would." There was a high pitched giggle in the background. "Stop it, be quiet, I'm having a conversation," said Andrew, laughing. "Carey's trying to steal my phone."
"That kind of thing happens in New York," said Jesse, mouth mostly on autopilot. "It's convenient you know who's trying to steal it, though." He winced preemptively, because he made really dumb jokes when he was nervous, but Andrew burst out laughing again.
"Oh my god, I can't wait to meet you," he said. "I'm so grateful work sent me here! Charities don't have a lot of budget for travel, normally, and I make just about enough money to not live in my car. But I'm here! And so are you! Isn't that fantastic?"
"It's amazing," said Jesse. "Was your flight okay?"
"I'm a little giddy with jet lag," said Andrew.
Carey, Jesse assumed, shouted, "You're giddy anyway!"
"Sorry I couldn't meet you at the airport," Jesse said.
"No no, I understand. I'm here for work, first of all. Hush, Carey, I am."
"You're here for shopping in SoHo and your boyyyy," Carey sing-songed.
"Maybe. Shut up," Andrew said. Jesse could hear him blushing over the phone, it was the best thing he'd ever heard.
Jesse was smiling stupidly at the phone. "Yeah?" he said. "That's… That's um. I wish I weren't at work right now."
"Oh god," said Andrew. "I wish I were alone right now. I've finally got you on the phone. I have a million things to talk to you about. I should go, I suppose, but I'll call you tonight when I'm not sleeping because I'm on completely the wrong schedule."
"Yeah," said Jesse. It was like his face was broken, he couldn't stop smiling. Andrew's voice made him so real. "You should call. I'll be home, uh, and the cats don't mind so much if I ignore them as long as they have food. My coworkers, on the other hand, are totally spying on me right now." He tried to wave them away, but Emma was jumping up and down excitedly and Justin was giving him an enthusiastic thumbs up.
"Carey's been spying on me for weeks, she's printed out your pictures and put them up around the office," Andrew said gaily. Jesse winced. There was the problem, right there. He thought about throwing up, but he was pretty determined not to do it while he was still on the phone with Andrew. "She's amazed anyone that handsome would be online, and then I said well, I'm online, aren't I? I hope your coworkers are more supportive. You're a rotten bitch," he added, clearly to Carey.
"My coworkers are… Uh, basically the same kind of nosey and interfering," Jesse said honestly. Justin was too handsome to be online dating, wasn't he? Ugh, he'd ruined everything.
"Hey!" Justin protested.
"I bet they're lovely. I bet you're lovely. I'll talk to you later, and I'll see you tomorrow. I can't wait. Oh god, Carey's going to grab the phone and hang it up, we need to give the cab driver directions. How would I possibly know which bridge we want to take? Keep your hands to yourself, this is a very important conversation-"
In the background Carey shouted, "He'll call you later, Jesse!" and they were both laughing and having so much fun that Jesse wasn't especially insulted when the line went dead.
"Well?" asked Emma, giving up all pretense of not overtly eavesdropping.
"He's… Uh. He's great," said Jesse, putting his phone down. He felt simultaneously a million times more smitten than he had been been before hearing Andrew's voice and absolutely sick over how tomorrow was going to go.
"Sweet," said Justin. Emma gave him a look. "What?" Justin asked. "I have a date with the dude tomorrow, he better be awesome. I mean, if he's a creep I'm gonna dump him on your behalf, I'm just putting that out there."
"Don't worry," said Jesse. "Honestly, he's amazing, it'll be great. Oh my god, what am I doing?" He dropped his face into his hands.
"Baby," said Emma, "It's going to be fine. Uh. Somehow."
"Don't worry," said Justin. "I'm an awesome date."
--
Jesse failed to get anything else done at work that day. He went home, failed to make dinner, failed to have any advice for Justin when he emailed about the banquet on Monday night, and failed to feed the cats properly, spilling their food all over the floor instead of getting it into the bowl.
The phone ringing scared him half to death, even though he was expecting it, and his hands shook just as little as he picked it up.
"I'm so tired," Andrew moaned, without a hello or anything. "Your city is exhausting."
"That's where the 'never sleeps' part comes in, I guess," said Jesse.
"It's magical. I saw the Empire State Building today! We drove past it. Well, actually we were stuck in traffic for half an hour so I got plenty of time to look at it. I want to see the Statue of Liberty. I can't believe this is a real place! I feel like I'm in a movie." He stopped and yawned. "D'you know what time it is in England right now? Nearly two A.M."
"You should go to sleep, then," said Jesse.
"No! I just got here and I want to be on a normal schedule so tomorrow I won't look like a zombie. I mean, I am English; I'll be a bit pale. You're having beautiful weather, though, I checked."
"Is the park okay?" asked Jesse. "I thought you might want to do something New York-y."
"Oh my god, Central Park is a real place, too! I can't wait. Seriously, we could meet up right now, except then I'd pass out on you."
"That wouldn't be the worst date I ever had."
Andrew laughed. "Don't worry, I won't be your worst date. I'm a fantastic date. I'm charming and suave and slightly neurotic. But it doesn't matter because I already know you, so I don't have to worry about it at all. I'm just worried I won't want to leave again."
"I might…" Jesse looked up at the ceiling, like the popcorn paint up there might have some kind of answer for him. "Don't be surprised if I seem a little weird tomorrow, okay?"
"You seem weird all the time, it's why I adore you."
Jesse winced. "Yeah, but I might be kind of… different tomorrow. It's just because I'm nervous, okay?"
"I'm expecting that," said Andrew fondly. "I'm amazed I talked you into meeting at all. Do you know, I told my mother I'd sign up for internet dating because she'd despaired of me ever doing anything except work ever again, but now she's upset because whenever we talk I'm on the phone writing you ridiculous emails? I can't win. It's too late to get rid of me; I've already had a fight with my mother over you."
He sounded so fond, and Jesse felt so awful. "I just might not be what you're expecting."
"Don't be ridiculous. Oh, I don't know how New Yorkers do these things; am I allowed to grope you as soon as I meet you?"
Jesse thought about Andrew's hands on Justin and almost snarled. "No," he said. "I mean. That is. We should, uh, probably make sure that things are the same in person as they are in email."
"So far so good," said Andrew, obliviously cheerful. He yawned again.
"You really should go to bed," said Jesse. "You must have gotten up so early to get on the plane. What if you oversleep?"
"No chance. Carey is almost more excited than I am. She's going to help me decide what to wear. I've brought an absolutely ridiculous number of jumpers. No possibility I'll be late."
Number Three jumped up on the counter and meowed angrily. Jesse sighed and picked him up and carried him over to the food dish, which Raskolnikov had overturned, trapping most of the food underneath.
"Which one is that?" Andrew asked.
"Number Three. He's so incredibly loud when he's mad," Jesse sighed.
Andrew giggled, "Number Three?"
"Well, I have to give him back when they find a permanent home for him, and if I give him a name I'll get all attached, so… Listen, it's perfectly logical," said Jesse.
"I think you are the most perfect person I've ever heard of," said Andrew. "I'm going to crawl into bed, you don't mind, do you? I swear I'll stay awake."
"I thought about you thinking about me in bed," Jesse blurted, "but I didn't really expect it to happen while we were actually, uh, talking." He tried to pet Number Three but now that there was food around the cat wanted nothing to do with him.
There was a rustling noise that was probably a hotel comforter, and then Andrew laughed, "Are you asking me if I've wanked to you?"
"No! I… Oh my god, I’m sorry, was that over the line, I didn't mean to-"
"I have," said Andrew breezily. "There. Better?"
Jesse didn't know what to say, so he just sat silent for a minute at the kitchen table, trying to sort some kind of order out of his jumbled thoughts.
"Was that too much?" Andrew asked, sounding a little anxious. "I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have said that."
"No," said Jesse, a little strangled. "I uh… Me, too. I just uh… Oh god, I'm really bad at this."
"You're not," said Andrew. There were more rustling noises. "Tell me what you thought about."
"Oh. Just… Oh god, just, you and um, you, your, um, your hands, and-"
"I'd put my hands all over you," said Andrew matter-of-factly.
"I'd let you," said Jesse, biting his lip.
"I'd start out rubbing your back," said Andrew. His voice got quieter. Jesse clutched the phone with one hand, trying to hear him. "I think you'd probably be a little tense when I first touched you, so I'd start out rubbing your back, just until you got used to it."
"Oh," said Jesse, thinking about Andrew standing behind him, imagining big warm hands brushing up against his t-shirt and the skin of his lower back. "Oh, that would be - That would be nice."
Andrew laughed, a little chuckle in the back of his throat. "And once I'd made you relaxed and a little bit stuttery and incoherent, just like that, well. That's when I'd reach around and undo the button on your jeans."
"I'm wearing sweatpants," Jesse objected. They were ugly ones with his sister's college logo on the front, because he'd stolen them from her.
Andrew said, "Well, you would be wearing jeans. And I'd undo the button with a really smooth flick of my wrist and you'd be so impressed you'd let me put my hand on your stomach, and under the waistband, and run my thumb along the indent the elastic leaves on your skin."
"I'd let you put your hand anywhere," said Jesse, feeling weirdly breathless.
"I want to put my hands everywhere," said Andrew. For the first time he sounded almost shy. "Is that… That's okay, isn't it?"
"I'd have to kiss you, then," said Jesse, with an odd burst of confidence. "If you were feeling nervous I'd kiss you, and you'd know how much you meant to me, and you wouldn't be nervous anymore."
"Oh," said Andrew quietly. "Jesse, that's lovely."
Raskolnikov and Number Three both jumped up on the kitchen table, hissing and yowling at each other. "Stop it, hey," Jesse said, and had to put the phone down for a second so he could pick Raskolnikov up and move him to the counter before Number Three could claw him in the face. They were both making an unholy racket.
"Sorry," Jesse said, "the cats went insane. I… I am sincerely sorry for bringing up pussy at a time like this."
Andrew laughed helplessly until it sounded like he couldn't breathe. "That's… Oh my god, you're awful," he said, and burst into giggles again.
"You should probably go to sleep," said Jesse. Andrew protested but he was yawning. "Seriously, get some sleep, I'll see you tomorrow."
"Fine," Andrew mumbled, sounding half-asleep already. "I know what I'm dreaming about tonight, though."
"Me, too," said Jesse, and hung up.
--
"Okay," said Emma, "are you ready?'
It was a gorgeous spring day, absolutely the perfect temperature; warm enough that they didn't need jackets and cool enough to wear a sweater. Justin was wearing an argyle sweater vest and glasses and vaguely dirty looking jeans. They were all sitting on a park bench across the street from the Natural History Museum by the entrance to the park. Jesse was so nervous he was worried he'd pass out.
"Gimme your phone," said Justin, holding out his hand. Jesse handed over his Blackberry. "Okay, I'm all set. I know what this dude looks like, and I'm gonna be my magical charming self. It'll be fine. I'm wearing my maximum effectiveness underwear."
"Hang on," said Jesse. "What?"
"I rank all my underwear from minimum to maximum effectiveness," said Justin impatiently. "Duh."
"No, but-"
"I'm not going to show them to him or anything," Justin said. "It's just a technique I have. The point is to be you, right? And to make him like you? I can't do that without my maximum effectiveness underwear to cancel out this freaking bow tie I'm wearing."
Emma smoothed his tie with one hand. "You look adorable," she said, and then turned to Justin and rolled her eyes. "Okay, you ready? He'll be here any minute."
"Am I ready? Ha. I'm Justin Randall Timberlake, first dates are like lay-ups for me."
"Yeah, but dates where you pretend to be me are like chess games against Deep Blue," said Jesse. Justin blinked at him. "Never mind. Just, be nice to him, okay?"
"I'm a gentleman," said Justin, affronted. "Wait, or is he the gentleman? Do you think he brought me flowers?"
"He might bring Jesse flowers," said Emma. "Concentrate, Timberlake."
"Whatever," said Justin.
"Oh, shit," said Jesse. "There he is."
The entire world dropped out from underneath him, and his stomach sent him all kinds of frantic messages about how he really shouldn't have eaten breakfast. Andrew was standing on the other side of the street. He looked exactly like his pictures, only better, and cuter, and taller, and his hair was a little puffier than Jesse had realized, and his striped sweater and black skinny jeans and ugly sneakers were so… They were…
"Damn," said Justin. "He really is out of your league. Ow! Emma, damn it. No offense."
"Go!" said Emma, giving Justin a shove. "We'll be right behind you."
Justin rolled his eyes and crossed the street. He gave Andrew a big, toothy smile and Andrew's whole face lit up, and he opened his arms automatically for a hug, which Justin provided.
"Honey," said Emma quietly, "you have to breathe." She put her hand on Jesse's shoulder and rubbed his back gently, but that just made Jesse think about Andrew more, and Andrew was right there, being perfect and gorgeous.
"Thank god it's Justin, not me," said Jesse, strangled, because he would have thrown up all over Andrew if he'd had to try and talk to him.
"I guess that's one way to look at it. Okay, you ready?" She pulled her trench coat on and cinched the belt around the waist, then handed Jesse sunglasses that matched her own.
"Are we passing secrets to the Russians?" he asked.
"We're following them incognito," said Emma. "If Justin gets too handsy I'll pretend to be his ex-girlfriend and start screaming about child support. Don't worry; I've thought of everything."
Jesse said despairingly, "Except how to fix this."
"He'll be back in London in three days, and you can fix it then," said Emma. "We'll get the copywriters to help us with the perfect letter. The light is changing! Come on." She grabbed Jesse's hand and dragged him across the street.
The park was full of people enjoying one of the first nice days of the spring, and Jesse nearly got run over by a pack of bicyclists and then a screaming crowd of children running back and forth on the sidewalk.
"Justin's talking a lot," said Emma, using her elbows to get past a pack of teenagers. "Is Andrew quiet?"
"No," said Jesse, trying to keep up with her.
"He looks happy," Emma narrated. How was she walking so fast in such high red heels? "Oooh, we can totally eavesdrop up here; they're going on the path by the lake and we can walk up the hill." She plunged through the crowd again.
Jesse wasn't sure he wanted to hear what they were saying. He couldn't imagine Justin was doing a good job of being him, which meant Justin was being Justin, and that meant Andrew was smiling and laughing and hugging Justin. But he was caught in Emma's wake like a tugboat behind an iceberg - which didn't even make sense - as she ducked around the curved path and past the joggers toward the benches by the lake.
Justin and Andrew had stopped by the water. They were holding hands. Jesse's heart stopped for a second.
There were people on the bench. Somehow Emma managed to scare them off with just a gigantic smile and her slightly crazy eyes.
"It's nice, right?" Justin said. "This park is my favorite place, because I don't like to go places and interact with humans." Jesse considered throwing a rock at his head. "Actually I mostly talk to cats, so this is pretty crazy, being out here in the fresh air with a human man." He gesticulated wildly, like a robot that had broken its programming.
"I don't sound like that," Jesse hissed to Emma.
"Welllllll," she said.
"How are the cats?" Andrew asked. Jesse couldn't get over how he was really right there in front of them. "They sounded pretty worked up last night."
"Oh, you know cats," said Justin. "They're like women. Always upset over some stupid shit."
Andrew stopped and blinked at him, smile flickering, but then he shrugged. "I suppose," he said.
"I read lots of books," Justin said, loudly and stiltedly. "For example, I just read a biography of Lawrence of Arabia. Did you know he was totally into kinky sex?" He leered.
"Oh my goodness," said Andrew, starting to laugh.
Jesse hid his head on Emma's shoulder. "This is a disaster."
Emma whipped out her phone and began texting angrily. In front of them Justin's phone - actually Jesse's phone - beeped and he pulled it out. "I'm telling him to shut the hell up about sex," said Emma. "Stick to the approved topics. How hard you work, how much you love your family, and your cats."
"He's never actually met my cats, though," Jesse said.
"Yeah, but… I mean they're fuzzy and they have tails and ears, right? What else can you really say about them?"
Jesse spluttered for a second, because his cats had personality and he had plenty of hilarious stories, like the time Mrs. Pennyfarthing got stuck in a paper bag and couldn't find her way back out. "They have feelings," he said.
"Sure they do," said Emma, patting his hand.
Justin rolled his eyes and put Jesse's phone back in his pocket. "I have three cats," he announced.
"I know," said Andrew, smiling fondly. He made Jesse's heart swoop at the exact same time that he made Jesse's stomach drop.
"We are all very co-dependent and neurotic together," said Justin. "Me and the cats. I hardly ever go out and do stuff like normal people do. I'd rather stay home and read books."
"Oh, god," said Emma. "He really is the worst you ever."
"I should have known," Jesse said.
Andrew looked faintly confused, as if he'd asked for directions on the subway and been told the fastest route was to ride a unicorn wearing a top hat. "I quite like books," he offered.
"Of course you do," said Justin, not quite managing to hide an eye-roll. "Really thick boring ones, right?"
"I…" Andrew started, looking even more mildly baffled.
"He's never going to speak to me again," Jesse said.
Emma sighed and patted his shoulder. "He's Justin. He's very charming, in his own special way. I'm sure Andrew is enjoying himself just fine."
"Tell me about your work," said Andrew, still giving Justin a little bit of a confused head-tilt, and Justin smiled and launched in to a long explanation about how he brought in new clients for the fund. Andrew smiled politely and laughed in all the right places and was generally the most charming person ever.
"Okay, fine," said Emma quietly. "He passes muster. He's great, Jesse."
"Yeah," said Jesse. His chest hurt. He couldn't have what he desperately wanted, even when it was right in front of him. Justin laughed and Andrew looked a little delighted and… Jesse bit his lip until it bled. "I think so too."
--
The rest of the date looked really awkward to Jesse, and he see-sawed wildly between happy and upset about it. They couldn't hear everything that Justin and Andrew talked about, but Justin at least seemed happy to ramble on, while Andrew looked at best mildy confused and at worst like he was trying to figure out what was going on.
And then Justin hailed a cab for Andrew and, as Andrew was about to climb in, kissed him. He just… grabbed Andrew with both hands and kind of bent him backwards and kissed him. Andrew was adorably confused and flushed and startled and couldn't quite stammer out a goodbye before he climbed in the cab, still looking a little wild-eyed. Jesse shouted in outrage and Emma had to pull him behind a bush.
"I was awesome," said Justin confidently, adjusting his tie. "That was the best date he's ever had, I one hundred percent guarantee it."
"You kissed him!" Jesse spluttered. "Why did you - Justin, you weren't supposed to kiss him."
"I'm not actually sure how well that went," Emma said, frowning faintly.
"Super awesome," said Justin. "Sorry you're too much of a pussy to kiss your own boyfriend. I figured I ought to do it for you."
Emma sighed, pained. "You are both idiots."
Jesse hated himself so much, but he couldn't quite manage not to ask, "Was it a good kiss? I mean. If we talk about it again, I should know. For research."
"Well, I definitely enjoyed it," said Justin, insufferably smug. "There was tongue."
Emma hit him. Jesse was glad.
--
Jesse was half surprised, half horrified when Andrew called him that night. He'd been feeling relieved that he'd gotten away with something so ridiculous, and he wasn't sure he could talk to Andrew without blowing the whole thing.
"I just wanted to say what an incredibly wonderful time I had," said Andrew, but there was something off about his voice, and Jesse couldn't put his finger on it. Now that he had a face to go with the voice, and a voice to go with the emails, he wasn't sure how he'd ever managed to tell Andrew all the things he'd sent.
"Yeah?" Jesse asked. "That's… That's great, I'm really glad."
"You're fantastic in person, I knew you would be," Andrew went on, sounding surer of himself. "You had me thinking you'd be awkward or sarcastic, but really you were amazing and lovely and charming."
It was like knives in Jesse's chest. "Yeah," he said. "He - I get that a lot."
"And your photos don't do you justice. God, I sound infatuated, but you're really good looking." There was nothing tenuous about his tone there.
Jesse felt flattened like a bunny rabbit in front of a Mack truck. "You, too," said Jesse, thinking about how Andrew's eyes crinkled up when he smiled, and he waved his hands around excitedly when he talked. Mrs. Pennyfarthing meowed hopefully and Jesse picked her up.
"Just… really, I had such an amazing time. I'm sorry I'm flying right back out of New York after this work thing, I'd like to stay. I'd like to see you again. I'd like to see you lots. I don't know if I can settle for just emails after this."
Well that was… unfortunate. "I had a great time, too, you're amazing, I'm so glad we finally got to meet," said Jesse hurriedly. "I'm sorry, I have to go, I'll call you later." He clicked the phone off. "I'm an idiot," he told Mrs. Pennyfarthing, who meowed uninterestedly and wiggled to be put down.
--
"You okay?" Justin asked, popping into Jesse's office.
"As fine as I can be with a giant banquet today and no sleep," said Jesse.
"You should sleep," said Justin. "In fact, you should sleep with that hot British dude. I mean, I was halfway tempted and I'm at least one hundred times straighter than you."
"He's going back to England, and you're really, really not," said Jesse. "I… I think I'm going to tell him what happened next time we email."
"Finally!" said Justin. "Jesus. I thought I was gonna have to hack your email and tell him myself. Hey, when are you changing for the dinner?"
Jesse looked at his suit. "What?" he said. "This is fine."
"Seriously? You seriously think that?"
"Go away," said Jesse.
"You want me to try and fix it?" Justin asked, perking up a little. "I could call him and -"
"I will give you a million dollars if you will just leave me alone," said Jesse.
Justin sighed and threw his hands up. "I tried," he announced to no one, and stomped off.
Jesse planned to drown himself in work if it was at all possible, because if he had any time to think he might end up drowning himself for real. Unfortunately half an hour later Walsh stuck his head in the office and Jesse couldn't scare him off by demanding that he just leave, so he ended up being dragged upstairs to the ballroom to start greeting clients and potential clients.
"You're our man on the inside as far as non-profits go," said Walsh. "You're so good at talking them around to investing with us. High profit, low risk, and good for our portfolio. The investors love you for it. Hey, did one of your cats die?"
"What?" Jesse asked, momentarily panicked. "Why, did someone call about my cats?"
"Just… Your face," said Walsh.
"Oh, that," said Jesse. "I'm thinking about getting a new one. It didn't work so well last time, but I think this time it might really take off."
"What?" Walsh asked, opening the door to the banquet room. "Never mind. Just try to look a little less morose, Eisenberg."
The room looked really great, which was a testament to how hard Jesse and Justin and everyone else had been working. There was a four-piece string ensemble, beautifully decorated tables, and a small stage with a microphone for self-congratulatory speeches. There were a few men in suits already walking around, and far fewer women. Jesse recognized Emma by her bright red hair, talking to people on the other side of the room.
"Harvey, hey, this is our best man, Jesse Eisenberg," said Walsh, steering Jesse toward a group of suits. "Jesse, this is Harvey, he's one of the founders of Clean Water Everywhere. We're hoping to sign them tonight."
"I've heard great things about you," said Harvey in a crisp British accent, and shook Jesse's hand.
"I can answer any questions you might have," said Jesse. "I work with all our non-profits, we have a really incentivized program for-Uh --- For -"
"Jesse?" said Walsh, frowning.
Andrew was standing behind Harvey. He looked absolutely amazing in a gray suit and a skinny tie and his hair was a little less ridiculous but still kind of ridiculous and Jesse's entire chest was collapsing inside him.
"Ah, my right-hand man," said Harvey. "This is Andrew."
"Hi," said Andrew, and he was talking to Jesse, he was actually right there, speaking to him, and all Jesse couldn't remember how to blink or breathe or move. He just stood there and stared.
Walsh laughed uncomfortably. "Jesse can be kind of shy," he said.
Andrew tilted his head a little. "You look familiar," he said, and the tiniest frown flitted across his face.
Jesse was going to pass out from not breathing. "I get that a lot," he said, although it came out as more of a croak. Walsh elbowed him. "Uh, hi. Welcome to New York."
"It's the most remarkable thing, you even sound familiar," said Andrew, frowning more.
"Oh, do I?" Jesse asked, voice a little high-pitched with panic.
"And there's my other superstar," said Walsh, looking over Andrew's shoulder. "Justin, come over here!"
Jesse had had panic attacks before; he knew what they felt like. His heart was racing and his hands were sweaty and the room was starting to spin. Walsh was waving Justin over, and Justin turned and smiled, and Andrew turned to look at him, and his face sort of froze on a friendly smile, and Jesse was going to just keel over and pass out at any second.
"Andrew, Justin. Justin, this is Andrew."
Justin realized who Andrew was just a tenth of a second after Andrew stuck his hand out to shake. Justin's face went from "hi there" to "oh shit" to totally professional so quickly that Jesse would have been impressed, if his brain had been working at all.
"Justin," said Andrew carefully. "Justin." His face was totally, terrifyingly blank.
"Justin and Jesse are our dynamic duo," said Walsh, clapping Jesse on the shoulder.
Andrew turned back to him. "Sorry, you're Jesse?" he asked, and his tone was light and friendly and utterly proper, but his eyes were… Well. Piercing didn't begin to cover it.
"Yeah," said Justin, sounding truly apologetic. "He's Jesse. Listen, we can explain."
"Oh can you?" Andrew asked, still polite but with an incredible edge underneath it. He wasn't smiling at all anymore.
Walsh had somehow totally missed the undercurrent of the conversation. Jesse couldn't figure out how anyone could miss it. "They're our best guys. They'll be working with you, they're the very best at handling clients."
"Yes," said Andrew coldly, "I feel very handled. I suppose this was some kind of recruitment technique?"
"No!" Jesse blurted. "It-"
"Tell them the good news," said Harvey, nudging Andrew.
It took Andrew just a second to school his face into a smile. "We're going to be signing with you," he said.
"Hey, that's great," said Walsh.
"We really…" Andrew started, and then turned to look at Jesse again. "We really appreciate how open and honest you've been during this whole process," he said, sounding choked.
Jesse opened his mouth to apologize and explain but nothing was coming out. Andrew looked so hurt. It was worse than he'd ever imagined.
"It's been really refreshing," Andrew went on, because obviously Harvey was expecting him to. "Feeling like we'd finally found an investment firm we could trust."
"So many people try to bullshit you," said Harvey cheerfully, "but having talked to Justin and Jesse over the last couple of weeks I'm sure you're all being totally straight with us. No bullshit here at all, it's refreshing. Just good guys I feel like I can trust, right Andrew?"
"Yes," said Andrew. "Trust. I… God, I'm sorry, excuse me," he said, and bolted for the door.
"Wait!" Jesse shouted, running after him. Walsh started to say something and Justin caught his arm, shaking his head. "Wait, please wait," Jesse said, just behind Andrew as he pushed his way out into the hallway.
"Is this some kind of game to you?" Andrew demanded, turning around. "Some kind of hilarious American joke I'm not understanding?"
"No," said Jesse. "It's a… Misunderstanding."
"Which one of you has been emailing me?" Andrew asked, crossing his arms. He looked like a kicked puppy. Jesse hated himself so much. "Which one of you have I been confessing my darkest secrets to? I imagine you've been reading them out loud to each other and laughing."
"It wasn't like that, it was me, it was all me." I really like you he wanted to say, but he couldn't manage it, and Andrew was already talking again.
"That's funny," said Andrew. One of the partners walked past them, giving them both a strange look. "Because I'm sure I went on a date with him. God, Carey's in there, she's seen your - his - photographs, she's going to know what a complete fool I am."
"I'm the only one who was writing you," Jesse said. "I'm sorry! Justin was … I dragged him into it."
"Well thank you so much for making me look like a complete and utter idiot!" Andrew shouted.
"I didn't know it was you!" Jesse said.
"I think that's my line," Andrew snapped.
"I mean, here, at work. I didn't know you worked for the company we were talking to," said Jesse despairingly. It still didn't excuse anything.
He couldn't tell if Andrew even heard him. "I have never felt so stupid in my life," said Andrew, furiously quiet. "You and your coworkers stood around laughing at me, they're probably having a good laugh in there right now. And I was… I was being honest with you. God, I defended you! I thought you were too good to be true, I talked to everyone about how I'd met the one real, wonderful person on the internet. My friends kept telling me that I ought to have checked up on you, and I said you were the most honest person I'd ever met. I will never be able to face Carey again. I can't believe I was so stupid!" There were tears in his eyes. Jesse wasn't crying, but it was because it felt like his entire chest was broken. Someone had taken everything inside him and ground it down to powder and set it on fire and he couldn’t breathe.
"You weren't," choked Jesse.
"I was! I absolutely bloody was," Andrew shouted. The caterers were looking at them. "I knew something was wrong, I knew you didn't sound the same, but I liked you so much I didn't use my brain at all. I let you make a complete idiot out of me." He shook his head, chest heaving. "Well at least you've made one thing a lot easier."
"Never speaking to me again," Jesse hazarded, barely audible.
"That too," snarled Andrew. "No, I mean Harvey has been pushing me for months to take over as head of our international operations, but I thought it might be a bit difficult to… To carry on a relationship while I was traveling around Asia and Africa. No worries now, though! I'll be on the plane to Namibia first thing when I get back."
"In… In Africa?"
"As far away from you as I can get," Andrew said coldly, and walked out.
--
Justin had obviously told Walsh something, because Jesse stuck his head inside just long enough to catch Justin's eye. "Go home," Justin mouthed, waving at him, and for once he looked genuinely sympathetic.
Emma dashed over and met him at the door. "Oh my god, Jesse, are you okay?" she asked. "Let me call you a cab."
"No, I… I'll be fine," said Jesse, feeling oddly empty inside. "We knew that was going to blow up, didn't we? I just hope he doesn't get in trouble with his boss for walking out."
"Justin smoothed it all over," said Emma. She looked so worried. Jesse tried to feel grateful for it, or angry about it, but there was just nothing. "I'll come home with you, make sure you get there okay."
"No," said Jesse quietly. "You need to be here for the banquet. Tell Walsh I'm sorry. I'll be here first thing tomorrow morning."
"If anyone asks your great aunt just died," said Emma, and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.
Jesse collected his coat and his laptop and took the subway home, because he wanted to sit and stare into space for a while. He tried to feel relieved that it was all over. He tried to feel sad that he'd made Andrew so sad. He tried to feel angry or disappointed or hopeful or anything, and instead there was just a big empty space where Andrew had been.
It was dark and cold by the time he got home. He walked up the steps to his apartment and hoped the cats meowing for food hadn't disturbed his neighbors. They circled around his feet and tried to trip him and he fed them on auto pilot.
A cold, sick feeling settled in the bottom of Jesse's stomach. He'd been hopeful, and he'd been stupid. He was scared that horrible, sick feeling was never going to go away again.
Jesse had cried every single day of kindergarten because he was so homesick, and he felt the same way now, even though he was in his own kitchen, with his own cats. Raskolnikov purred and head butted him before jumping on top of Number Three and chasing him away. Mrs. Pennyfarthing curled up in his lap.
After a few quiet minutes Jesse picked the phone up. There was only one thing he could think of to do about all this guilt, sinking in his stomach.
"Mom?" Jesse said, hoping she couldn't hear quite how ragged his voice was. "I… Can I talk to you? I screwed something up pretty badly and I just… I need to tell you and have you yell at me."
"Sweetheart," she said sadly, and Jesse finally started to cry.
next
Fandom: TSN RPF (Jesse Eisenberg/Andrew Garfield)
previous
"Are you drunk, honey?" Emma asked. She always sounded a little throaty, like she'd been smoking and drinking whiskey. It made Jesse feel bad for sounding a little like Kermit the Frog.
"No," he said. "Well. Let me check. No."
"He had half a beer," said Justin. "No one could possibly be drunk on half a beer. He needs a keg."
Jesse was lying on Justin's couch with his arm over his eyes. Why did Justin's office have its own couch? It was mysterious. Equally mysterious was where Emma - who wore pointy heels and kept her hair up in a bun all day - had found sweat pants and a six pack of beer. Jesse had taken off his jacket and his tie, but he felt just as uncomfortable as he had before.
"I've never actually seen a keg," said Jesse. "I always picture those things from Bugs Bunny cartoons."
"Oh dude, this one time-" Justin began.
"You have to email him and tell him the truth," said Emma. Justin had caught her up on the whole debacle. Jesse hadn't been able to look at her since.
"I can't."
"Just tell him the picture got reversed in email!" said Justin. Emma flicked his ear. "Ow. What? It happens."
"But I sent him more pictures," Jesse moaned. "I compounded the lie. Lies work in logarithms, they go up by squares."
"I don't know what that means," said Justin, "and I don't care. You can't move to Hong Kong and you can't fake your own death, so I think you have to tell him the truth. If he's mad then he's mad."
Jesse tried to imagine Andrew mad and couldn't. Andrew would just get sad. That was worse. "I don't want him to be mad," he mumbled.
"What did you think was going to happen?" Emma asked.
"I thought… I mean, I thought he would be in London! It seemed reasonable. He lives there."
"Let's look on the bright side," said Justin.
"Okay," said Jesse. "Tell me the bright side."
"Well," said Justin, and stopped. "Okay, he… I mean, you're definitely… The bright side is that he actually likes you. So now we just have to get him past your compulsive lying so you two can live happily ever after together."
Jesse blinked. "Wait," he said, sitting up. "Hang on, I just had a thought." He waved his hands around a little bit, trying to make the thoughts form words that made sense. "The thing is. The thing is, he lives in London! Justin, that's amazing."
"Yo, are you okay?" asked Justin. "Because that's not amazing so much as basic information."
"What's the longest he could possibly be coming to New York?" asked Jesse. He could feel the vaguest glimmer of hope bubbling up inside his lungs, making him trip over the words. "A week, maybe? And he'll be working for some of it. And then he'll be gone again, back to London, where it won't matter anymore. I only have to fake it for a day or two!"
Emma frowned a little and turned to look at Justin, who shrugged in a distinctly it's-not-my-fault way. "Honey," Emma said, "you can't pretend to be Justin for a day. And it's really not a good idea to pretend to be Justin for the rest of your lives."
"No, I - I - I - because Justin can pretend to be Justin!" Jesse said excitedly.
"Whoa," said Justin, "hold up. What now?"
"You'd be you. I mean me. I mean you'd meet Andrew. That would fix everything!"
He was clutching the arm of the couch so tightly that his knuckles had gone completely white. He just needed Justin to understand why this was so important. If he could put Andrew off for a day or two Andrew would go back to London and Jesse could… Well, keep lying to him, or figure out how to tell him the truth slowly, or anything.
"I think you might actually have gone crazy," Emma said. "Justin is nothing like you."
"But he could be," Jesse insisted.
"Nuh uh," said Justin. "I have style."
"Please," said Jesse. "It's just for one date. It's just an hour of your life."
"Hey," said Justin, affronted. "My dates are awesome, they last way longer than an hour."
Emma smacked him on shoulder. "You don't get to sleep with Andrew."
Justin crossed his arms. "Well, I could if I took him on a date," he said petulantly. Emma and Jesse both stared at him. "I could," Justin insisted. "I'm just saying!"
"More lying is a bad idea," said Emma, and for a second Jesse was sure he was going to bust into tears. He just… He just couldn't deal with this right now, he needed some kind of plan, something to take the edge off how incredibly horrible he felt about being so terrified of meeting someone he was pretty sure he was falling in love with. He should have been ecstatic to meet Andrew, and instead it was making him physically sick. He'd screwed everything up by lying but maybe if he could just get himself a little bit of space to figure out what to do next and how to fix it…
"Breathe," said Justin.
"It's a bad idea," Emma repeated, sighing, "but maybe it makes sense."
"Say what?" Justin demanded. "How does this make sense?"
She shrugged. "Frankly, I want to check this guy out in person before I let him near Jesse. Sorry, babe. You're kind of fragile and who knows what kind of people are on the internet these days?"
Jesse knew. Andrew was awesome and cute and bubbly and wonderful. But he bit his lip and nodded because he needed Emma's support.
Justin shrugged. "I guess it's no big deal. I've lied to plenty of girls," he said. Emma hit him again. "What? Ow! Not you!"
"Please," Jesse repeated.
Justin looked at him and made a face, and then looked at Emma, who was also giving him big sad eyes, and shrugged, throwing his hands up. "Fine!" he said. "But this is stupid, because no one who met me could possibly think I'm a shut-in map collector with cats."
"Thank you," said Jesse earnestly. "Seriously, thank you. You have no idea, I - I just - I can't, I -"
"You're gonna owe me forever," said Justin. He drew the word out. "Forrrrevvvvverrrr."
"I know," said Jesse. "It's okay. Thank you." A huge weight was off his chest, even if that just meant it was hovering above his head, waiting to drop a little bit later.
Emma gave Jesse a hug. "We'll figure out how to make this work, babe. I promise."
"We won't," said Jesse, feeling a little giddy and horribly honest. "I know we won't in the long run. I just… I need a little more time where everything is okay."
"I don’t have to dress like you, though, right?" Justin complained. "I don't own anything that looks like cats slept on it on the floor all night."
Emma smacked him again. Jesse kind of loved her.
--
When you don't reply to my emails it makes me feel like this, said Andrew, and attached a picture of himself exaggeratedly sticking out his lower lip and looking tragically sad. I'm going to be there in two weeks, and I will FIND YOU, okay, there are only so many cat rescues in New York. Don't make me go slogging about to all of them asking after you. I'LL DO IT. I HAVE TWO WHOLE NON-WORK DAYS.
Really, though. Email me. :(((((((((
-A
--
It took Jesse a little while to nerve himself to reply. And when he did he decided to be as honest as he possibly could, without… Well. Without mentioning the giant, horrible lie.
I would love to spend time with you. I'd love to get to know you in real life. Every day I wish you were around so we could just sit around and talk about this kind of stuff - I'd love to hear you talk about bands in person. I bet you get really excited about all the little musical nuances I don't even hear. I bet your whole face lights up when you get to the part where the drums kick in or the tempo changes, and you need to share your headphones so everyone else can appreciate it, too. I've imagined what you look like when you're happy and when you're sad and when you're thrilled and a million other things. I would love to know if you think I'm funny when you hear me in real life, talking about my cats and my maps and my job, or if you just think I'm weird and awkward. But I'm worried you won't like me as much in person. It scares me absolutely to death.
There, that was pretty off-putting and desperate, I guess. I just really like you. It's kind of a secret, please don't tell.
-J
He put on the kettle to make himself some more tea. Raskolnikov seemed to know that something was going on, and he jumped up on Jesse's lap and curled up, purring. Sure, he also licked his own balls a little, and then scratched Jesse when he tried to stop petting him, but it was nice. It was companionship. You couldn't betray a cat unless you didn't feed him, and Jesse was much too guilt-ridden to ever not feed something that didn't have thumbs.
The mild scratches were more than worth the purring Jesse probably didn't deserve.
--
Jesse spent every second of every day concentrating on work so he didn't have to be nervous about lying more to Andrew. And there was the giant dinner to prepare. Jesse was good at making lists and ensuring that things were all exactly where they belonged at the right exact moment. Justin called Jesse their "secret weapon," since it didn't make a lot of sense that he was great at charming clients, and yet inevitably after a big dinner they'd end up telling the firm that Jesse had somehow been the lynchpin in deciding to sign with them.
Justin was also incredibly distracting. He considered the banquet a giant party and he was loved giant parties, so when he wasn't making ridiculous mixes for the dj to play or planning his outfit down to the last detail of his pocket handkerchief he was quizzing Jesse about himself. He developed a habit of wandering in to Jesse's office and asking bizarre things with no preamble.
"So if I were you, would I start the conversation with my cats, or would I wait for a lull?" or "I've been trying all morning to get my collar to be weird and rumply but it won't do it," or "What's the last really big boring book you read, so I can get the SparkNotes on it?"
"I'll write all my info on your arm," said Jesse, deadpan. "You can just roll up your sleeve casually and check. I'm sure he won't notice a thing."
Justin glared. "Yeah, well, I’m gonna have to go sleep in a ditch for a couple of days to get my hair and my clothes to look convincingly like yours."
"He flies in on Wednesday," said Jesse, amazed he could even manage those words without shaking all over. "You have a couple of days to prepare your suit."
"Are you gonna talk to him on the phone?"
Jesse made a really complicated face, one part I-don't-know and two parts Do-you-think-I-should and a little bit Oh-god-everything-is-going-to-blow-up-in-my-face with just a sprinkle of I-really-want-to-hear-his-voice. "We don't really sound alike," said Jesse, biting his lip.
Justin rolled his eyes. "We also don't have the same hobbies, know the same people, or both like cats. I don't think that's what's gonna make this a bad idea."
"You think I should?" Jesse asked. "I mean. Then you'll have to have my phone Thursday."
"Dude," said Justin. "How are you not already having phone sex? What is the point of having an online boyfriend if you aren't having cyber sex?"
"I - I don't - I mean, what do you say -"
"I don't have gay phone sex," Justin said. "I don't know. 'Oooh, big guy, stick it in me,' I guess."
"Justin," said Jesse. "Get out of my office."
"Maybe something about his dick being delicious," Justin mused. "That would work on me."
"For the millionth time, you are not going to sleep with him on my behalf," said Jesse.
"I can make it really good. He'll totally never dump you."
For just a second Jesse was intensely, crazily jealous, and then he tamped it down again. He'd asked Justin for this favor, after all, and he knew Justin was mildly insane. "No," said Jesse flatly. "And try not to be so… You know, you, all the time."
Justin drew himself up, affronted. "Lots of people like me just the way I am, you know."
"Yeah, well, Andrew likes me," said Jesse. "So go do some SAT prep or try to read a fourth grade book or something."
Justin pointed at him seriously, but failed to come up with any kind of retort, and after a second he shrugged. "Phone sex, bro. That's where it's at."
"You think he'd… want to?" Jesse asked.
Justin burst out laughing. Jesse threw some post-it notes at him.
--
"I've landed!" said Andrew. "I'm actually in your city, on your soil, in this place where you actually live!"
His voice was exactly like Jesse had thought it would be, but it was better somehow, too. His accent was so cute, and his bubbling excitement made all the things Jesse had to say freeze in his chest somewhere.
"Hello?" said Andrew. "Have I lost the signal? The cab is noisy, can you hear me?"
"Hi," said Jesse. "Uh, hi. I mean. Hi." His hand was so sweaty he was worried he might drop his blackberry. Justin and Emma were both standing just outside the door to his office, trying to look like they weren't listening when they clearly, clearly were.
"You've got a voice!" Andrew crowed. "Oh my god, I knew you would." There was a high pitched giggle in the background. "Stop it, be quiet, I'm having a conversation," said Andrew, laughing. "Carey's trying to steal my phone."
"That kind of thing happens in New York," said Jesse, mouth mostly on autopilot. "It's convenient you know who's trying to steal it, though." He winced preemptively, because he made really dumb jokes when he was nervous, but Andrew burst out laughing again.
"Oh my god, I can't wait to meet you," he said. "I'm so grateful work sent me here! Charities don't have a lot of budget for travel, normally, and I make just about enough money to not live in my car. But I'm here! And so are you! Isn't that fantastic?"
"It's amazing," said Jesse. "Was your flight okay?"
"I'm a little giddy with jet lag," said Andrew.
Carey, Jesse assumed, shouted, "You're giddy anyway!"
"Sorry I couldn't meet you at the airport," Jesse said.
"No no, I understand. I'm here for work, first of all. Hush, Carey, I am."
"You're here for shopping in SoHo and your boyyyy," Carey sing-songed.
"Maybe. Shut up," Andrew said. Jesse could hear him blushing over the phone, it was the best thing he'd ever heard.
Jesse was smiling stupidly at the phone. "Yeah?" he said. "That's… That's um. I wish I weren't at work right now."
"Oh god," said Andrew. "I wish I were alone right now. I've finally got you on the phone. I have a million things to talk to you about. I should go, I suppose, but I'll call you tonight when I'm not sleeping because I'm on completely the wrong schedule."
"Yeah," said Jesse. It was like his face was broken, he couldn't stop smiling. Andrew's voice made him so real. "You should call. I'll be home, uh, and the cats don't mind so much if I ignore them as long as they have food. My coworkers, on the other hand, are totally spying on me right now." He tried to wave them away, but Emma was jumping up and down excitedly and Justin was giving him an enthusiastic thumbs up.
"Carey's been spying on me for weeks, she's printed out your pictures and put them up around the office," Andrew said gaily. Jesse winced. There was the problem, right there. He thought about throwing up, but he was pretty determined not to do it while he was still on the phone with Andrew. "She's amazed anyone that handsome would be online, and then I said well, I'm online, aren't I? I hope your coworkers are more supportive. You're a rotten bitch," he added, clearly to Carey.
"My coworkers are… Uh, basically the same kind of nosey and interfering," Jesse said honestly. Justin was too handsome to be online dating, wasn't he? Ugh, he'd ruined everything.
"Hey!" Justin protested.
"I bet they're lovely. I bet you're lovely. I'll talk to you later, and I'll see you tomorrow. I can't wait. Oh god, Carey's going to grab the phone and hang it up, we need to give the cab driver directions. How would I possibly know which bridge we want to take? Keep your hands to yourself, this is a very important conversation-"
In the background Carey shouted, "He'll call you later, Jesse!" and they were both laughing and having so much fun that Jesse wasn't especially insulted when the line went dead.
"Well?" asked Emma, giving up all pretense of not overtly eavesdropping.
"He's… Uh. He's great," said Jesse, putting his phone down. He felt simultaneously a million times more smitten than he had been been before hearing Andrew's voice and absolutely sick over how tomorrow was going to go.
"Sweet," said Justin. Emma gave him a look. "What?" Justin asked. "I have a date with the dude tomorrow, he better be awesome. I mean, if he's a creep I'm gonna dump him on your behalf, I'm just putting that out there."
"Don't worry," said Jesse. "Honestly, he's amazing, it'll be great. Oh my god, what am I doing?" He dropped his face into his hands.
"Baby," said Emma, "It's going to be fine. Uh. Somehow."
"Don't worry," said Justin. "I'm an awesome date."
--
Jesse failed to get anything else done at work that day. He went home, failed to make dinner, failed to have any advice for Justin when he emailed about the banquet on Monday night, and failed to feed the cats properly, spilling their food all over the floor instead of getting it into the bowl.
The phone ringing scared him half to death, even though he was expecting it, and his hands shook just as little as he picked it up.
"I'm so tired," Andrew moaned, without a hello or anything. "Your city is exhausting."
"That's where the 'never sleeps' part comes in, I guess," said Jesse.
"It's magical. I saw the Empire State Building today! We drove past it. Well, actually we were stuck in traffic for half an hour so I got plenty of time to look at it. I want to see the Statue of Liberty. I can't believe this is a real place! I feel like I'm in a movie." He stopped and yawned. "D'you know what time it is in England right now? Nearly two A.M."
"You should go to sleep, then," said Jesse.
"No! I just got here and I want to be on a normal schedule so tomorrow I won't look like a zombie. I mean, I am English; I'll be a bit pale. You're having beautiful weather, though, I checked."
"Is the park okay?" asked Jesse. "I thought you might want to do something New York-y."
"Oh my god, Central Park is a real place, too! I can't wait. Seriously, we could meet up right now, except then I'd pass out on you."
"That wouldn't be the worst date I ever had."
Andrew laughed. "Don't worry, I won't be your worst date. I'm a fantastic date. I'm charming and suave and slightly neurotic. But it doesn't matter because I already know you, so I don't have to worry about it at all. I'm just worried I won't want to leave again."
"I might…" Jesse looked up at the ceiling, like the popcorn paint up there might have some kind of answer for him. "Don't be surprised if I seem a little weird tomorrow, okay?"
"You seem weird all the time, it's why I adore you."
Jesse winced. "Yeah, but I might be kind of… different tomorrow. It's just because I'm nervous, okay?"
"I'm expecting that," said Andrew fondly. "I'm amazed I talked you into meeting at all. Do you know, I told my mother I'd sign up for internet dating because she'd despaired of me ever doing anything except work ever again, but now she's upset because whenever we talk I'm on the phone writing you ridiculous emails? I can't win. It's too late to get rid of me; I've already had a fight with my mother over you."
He sounded so fond, and Jesse felt so awful. "I just might not be what you're expecting."
"Don't be ridiculous. Oh, I don't know how New Yorkers do these things; am I allowed to grope you as soon as I meet you?"
Jesse thought about Andrew's hands on Justin and almost snarled. "No," he said. "I mean. That is. We should, uh, probably make sure that things are the same in person as they are in email."
"So far so good," said Andrew, obliviously cheerful. He yawned again.
"You really should go to bed," said Jesse. "You must have gotten up so early to get on the plane. What if you oversleep?"
"No chance. Carey is almost more excited than I am. She's going to help me decide what to wear. I've brought an absolutely ridiculous number of jumpers. No possibility I'll be late."
Number Three jumped up on the counter and meowed angrily. Jesse sighed and picked him up and carried him over to the food dish, which Raskolnikov had overturned, trapping most of the food underneath.
"Which one is that?" Andrew asked.
"Number Three. He's so incredibly loud when he's mad," Jesse sighed.
Andrew giggled, "Number Three?"
"Well, I have to give him back when they find a permanent home for him, and if I give him a name I'll get all attached, so… Listen, it's perfectly logical," said Jesse.
"I think you are the most perfect person I've ever heard of," said Andrew. "I'm going to crawl into bed, you don't mind, do you? I swear I'll stay awake."
"I thought about you thinking about me in bed," Jesse blurted, "but I didn't really expect it to happen while we were actually, uh, talking." He tried to pet Number Three but now that there was food around the cat wanted nothing to do with him.
There was a rustling noise that was probably a hotel comforter, and then Andrew laughed, "Are you asking me if I've wanked to you?"
"No! I… Oh my god, I’m sorry, was that over the line, I didn't mean to-"
"I have," said Andrew breezily. "There. Better?"
Jesse didn't know what to say, so he just sat silent for a minute at the kitchen table, trying to sort some kind of order out of his jumbled thoughts.
"Was that too much?" Andrew asked, sounding a little anxious. "I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have said that."
"No," said Jesse, a little strangled. "I uh… Me, too. I just uh… Oh god, I'm really bad at this."
"You're not," said Andrew. There were more rustling noises. "Tell me what you thought about."
"Oh. Just… Oh god, just, you and um, you, your, um, your hands, and-"
"I'd put my hands all over you," said Andrew matter-of-factly.
"I'd let you," said Jesse, biting his lip.
"I'd start out rubbing your back," said Andrew. His voice got quieter. Jesse clutched the phone with one hand, trying to hear him. "I think you'd probably be a little tense when I first touched you, so I'd start out rubbing your back, just until you got used to it."
"Oh," said Jesse, thinking about Andrew standing behind him, imagining big warm hands brushing up against his t-shirt and the skin of his lower back. "Oh, that would be - That would be nice."
Andrew laughed, a little chuckle in the back of his throat. "And once I'd made you relaxed and a little bit stuttery and incoherent, just like that, well. That's when I'd reach around and undo the button on your jeans."
"I'm wearing sweatpants," Jesse objected. They were ugly ones with his sister's college logo on the front, because he'd stolen them from her.
Andrew said, "Well, you would be wearing jeans. And I'd undo the button with a really smooth flick of my wrist and you'd be so impressed you'd let me put my hand on your stomach, and under the waistband, and run my thumb along the indent the elastic leaves on your skin."
"I'd let you put your hand anywhere," said Jesse, feeling weirdly breathless.
"I want to put my hands everywhere," said Andrew. For the first time he sounded almost shy. "Is that… That's okay, isn't it?"
"I'd have to kiss you, then," said Jesse, with an odd burst of confidence. "If you were feeling nervous I'd kiss you, and you'd know how much you meant to me, and you wouldn't be nervous anymore."
"Oh," said Andrew quietly. "Jesse, that's lovely."
Raskolnikov and Number Three both jumped up on the kitchen table, hissing and yowling at each other. "Stop it, hey," Jesse said, and had to put the phone down for a second so he could pick Raskolnikov up and move him to the counter before Number Three could claw him in the face. They were both making an unholy racket.
"Sorry," Jesse said, "the cats went insane. I… I am sincerely sorry for bringing up pussy at a time like this."
Andrew laughed helplessly until it sounded like he couldn't breathe. "That's… Oh my god, you're awful," he said, and burst into giggles again.
"You should probably go to sleep," said Jesse. Andrew protested but he was yawning. "Seriously, get some sleep, I'll see you tomorrow."
"Fine," Andrew mumbled, sounding half-asleep already. "I know what I'm dreaming about tonight, though."
"Me, too," said Jesse, and hung up.
--
"Okay," said Emma, "are you ready?'
It was a gorgeous spring day, absolutely the perfect temperature; warm enough that they didn't need jackets and cool enough to wear a sweater. Justin was wearing an argyle sweater vest and glasses and vaguely dirty looking jeans. They were all sitting on a park bench across the street from the Natural History Museum by the entrance to the park. Jesse was so nervous he was worried he'd pass out.
"Gimme your phone," said Justin, holding out his hand. Jesse handed over his Blackberry. "Okay, I'm all set. I know what this dude looks like, and I'm gonna be my magical charming self. It'll be fine. I'm wearing my maximum effectiveness underwear."
"Hang on," said Jesse. "What?"
"I rank all my underwear from minimum to maximum effectiveness," said Justin impatiently. "Duh."
"No, but-"
"I'm not going to show them to him or anything," Justin said. "It's just a technique I have. The point is to be you, right? And to make him like you? I can't do that without my maximum effectiveness underwear to cancel out this freaking bow tie I'm wearing."
Emma smoothed his tie with one hand. "You look adorable," she said, and then turned to Justin and rolled her eyes. "Okay, you ready? He'll be here any minute."
"Am I ready? Ha. I'm Justin Randall Timberlake, first dates are like lay-ups for me."
"Yeah, but dates where you pretend to be me are like chess games against Deep Blue," said Jesse. Justin blinked at him. "Never mind. Just, be nice to him, okay?"
"I'm a gentleman," said Justin, affronted. "Wait, or is he the gentleman? Do you think he brought me flowers?"
"He might bring Jesse flowers," said Emma. "Concentrate, Timberlake."
"Whatever," said Justin.
"Oh, shit," said Jesse. "There he is."
The entire world dropped out from underneath him, and his stomach sent him all kinds of frantic messages about how he really shouldn't have eaten breakfast. Andrew was standing on the other side of the street. He looked exactly like his pictures, only better, and cuter, and taller, and his hair was a little puffier than Jesse had realized, and his striped sweater and black skinny jeans and ugly sneakers were so… They were…
"Damn," said Justin. "He really is out of your league. Ow! Emma, damn it. No offense."
"Go!" said Emma, giving Justin a shove. "We'll be right behind you."
Justin rolled his eyes and crossed the street. He gave Andrew a big, toothy smile and Andrew's whole face lit up, and he opened his arms automatically for a hug, which Justin provided.
"Honey," said Emma quietly, "you have to breathe." She put her hand on Jesse's shoulder and rubbed his back gently, but that just made Jesse think about Andrew more, and Andrew was right there, being perfect and gorgeous.
"Thank god it's Justin, not me," said Jesse, strangled, because he would have thrown up all over Andrew if he'd had to try and talk to him.
"I guess that's one way to look at it. Okay, you ready?" She pulled her trench coat on and cinched the belt around the waist, then handed Jesse sunglasses that matched her own.
"Are we passing secrets to the Russians?" he asked.
"We're following them incognito," said Emma. "If Justin gets too handsy I'll pretend to be his ex-girlfriend and start screaming about child support. Don't worry; I've thought of everything."
Jesse said despairingly, "Except how to fix this."
"He'll be back in London in three days, and you can fix it then," said Emma. "We'll get the copywriters to help us with the perfect letter. The light is changing! Come on." She grabbed Jesse's hand and dragged him across the street.
The park was full of people enjoying one of the first nice days of the spring, and Jesse nearly got run over by a pack of bicyclists and then a screaming crowd of children running back and forth on the sidewalk.
"Justin's talking a lot," said Emma, using her elbows to get past a pack of teenagers. "Is Andrew quiet?"
"No," said Jesse, trying to keep up with her.
"He looks happy," Emma narrated. How was she walking so fast in such high red heels? "Oooh, we can totally eavesdrop up here; they're going on the path by the lake and we can walk up the hill." She plunged through the crowd again.
Jesse wasn't sure he wanted to hear what they were saying. He couldn't imagine Justin was doing a good job of being him, which meant Justin was being Justin, and that meant Andrew was smiling and laughing and hugging Justin. But he was caught in Emma's wake like a tugboat behind an iceberg - which didn't even make sense - as she ducked around the curved path and past the joggers toward the benches by the lake.
Justin and Andrew had stopped by the water. They were holding hands. Jesse's heart stopped for a second.
There were people on the bench. Somehow Emma managed to scare them off with just a gigantic smile and her slightly crazy eyes.
"It's nice, right?" Justin said. "This park is my favorite place, because I don't like to go places and interact with humans." Jesse considered throwing a rock at his head. "Actually I mostly talk to cats, so this is pretty crazy, being out here in the fresh air with a human man." He gesticulated wildly, like a robot that had broken its programming.
"I don't sound like that," Jesse hissed to Emma.
"Welllllll," she said.
"How are the cats?" Andrew asked. Jesse couldn't get over how he was really right there in front of them. "They sounded pretty worked up last night."
"Oh, you know cats," said Justin. "They're like women. Always upset over some stupid shit."
Andrew stopped and blinked at him, smile flickering, but then he shrugged. "I suppose," he said.
"I read lots of books," Justin said, loudly and stiltedly. "For example, I just read a biography of Lawrence of Arabia. Did you know he was totally into kinky sex?" He leered.
"Oh my goodness," said Andrew, starting to laugh.
Jesse hid his head on Emma's shoulder. "This is a disaster."
Emma whipped out her phone and began texting angrily. In front of them Justin's phone - actually Jesse's phone - beeped and he pulled it out. "I'm telling him to shut the hell up about sex," said Emma. "Stick to the approved topics. How hard you work, how much you love your family, and your cats."
"He's never actually met my cats, though," Jesse said.
"Yeah, but… I mean they're fuzzy and they have tails and ears, right? What else can you really say about them?"
Jesse spluttered for a second, because his cats had personality and he had plenty of hilarious stories, like the time Mrs. Pennyfarthing got stuck in a paper bag and couldn't find her way back out. "They have feelings," he said.
"Sure they do," said Emma, patting his hand.
Justin rolled his eyes and put Jesse's phone back in his pocket. "I have three cats," he announced.
"I know," said Andrew, smiling fondly. He made Jesse's heart swoop at the exact same time that he made Jesse's stomach drop.
"We are all very co-dependent and neurotic together," said Justin. "Me and the cats. I hardly ever go out and do stuff like normal people do. I'd rather stay home and read books."
"Oh, god," said Emma. "He really is the worst you ever."
"I should have known," Jesse said.
Andrew looked faintly confused, as if he'd asked for directions on the subway and been told the fastest route was to ride a unicorn wearing a top hat. "I quite like books," he offered.
"Of course you do," said Justin, not quite managing to hide an eye-roll. "Really thick boring ones, right?"
"I…" Andrew started, looking even more mildly baffled.
"He's never going to speak to me again," Jesse said.
Emma sighed and patted his shoulder. "He's Justin. He's very charming, in his own special way. I'm sure Andrew is enjoying himself just fine."
"Tell me about your work," said Andrew, still giving Justin a little bit of a confused head-tilt, and Justin smiled and launched in to a long explanation about how he brought in new clients for the fund. Andrew smiled politely and laughed in all the right places and was generally the most charming person ever.
"Okay, fine," said Emma quietly. "He passes muster. He's great, Jesse."
"Yeah," said Jesse. His chest hurt. He couldn't have what he desperately wanted, even when it was right in front of him. Justin laughed and Andrew looked a little delighted and… Jesse bit his lip until it bled. "I think so too."
--
The rest of the date looked really awkward to Jesse, and he see-sawed wildly between happy and upset about it. They couldn't hear everything that Justin and Andrew talked about, but Justin at least seemed happy to ramble on, while Andrew looked at best mildy confused and at worst like he was trying to figure out what was going on.
And then Justin hailed a cab for Andrew and, as Andrew was about to climb in, kissed him. He just… grabbed Andrew with both hands and kind of bent him backwards and kissed him. Andrew was adorably confused and flushed and startled and couldn't quite stammer out a goodbye before he climbed in the cab, still looking a little wild-eyed. Jesse shouted in outrage and Emma had to pull him behind a bush.
"I was awesome," said Justin confidently, adjusting his tie. "That was the best date he's ever had, I one hundred percent guarantee it."
"You kissed him!" Jesse spluttered. "Why did you - Justin, you weren't supposed to kiss him."
"I'm not actually sure how well that went," Emma said, frowning faintly.
"Super awesome," said Justin. "Sorry you're too much of a pussy to kiss your own boyfriend. I figured I ought to do it for you."
Emma sighed, pained. "You are both idiots."
Jesse hated himself so much, but he couldn't quite manage not to ask, "Was it a good kiss? I mean. If we talk about it again, I should know. For research."
"Well, I definitely enjoyed it," said Justin, insufferably smug. "There was tongue."
Emma hit him. Jesse was glad.
--
Jesse was half surprised, half horrified when Andrew called him that night. He'd been feeling relieved that he'd gotten away with something so ridiculous, and he wasn't sure he could talk to Andrew without blowing the whole thing.
"I just wanted to say what an incredibly wonderful time I had," said Andrew, but there was something off about his voice, and Jesse couldn't put his finger on it. Now that he had a face to go with the voice, and a voice to go with the emails, he wasn't sure how he'd ever managed to tell Andrew all the things he'd sent.
"Yeah?" Jesse asked. "That's… That's great, I'm really glad."
"You're fantastic in person, I knew you would be," Andrew went on, sounding surer of himself. "You had me thinking you'd be awkward or sarcastic, but really you were amazing and lovely and charming."
It was like knives in Jesse's chest. "Yeah," he said. "He - I get that a lot."
"And your photos don't do you justice. God, I sound infatuated, but you're really good looking." There was nothing tenuous about his tone there.
Jesse felt flattened like a bunny rabbit in front of a Mack truck. "You, too," said Jesse, thinking about how Andrew's eyes crinkled up when he smiled, and he waved his hands around excitedly when he talked. Mrs. Pennyfarthing meowed hopefully and Jesse picked her up.
"Just… really, I had such an amazing time. I'm sorry I'm flying right back out of New York after this work thing, I'd like to stay. I'd like to see you again. I'd like to see you lots. I don't know if I can settle for just emails after this."
Well that was… unfortunate. "I had a great time, too, you're amazing, I'm so glad we finally got to meet," said Jesse hurriedly. "I'm sorry, I have to go, I'll call you later." He clicked the phone off. "I'm an idiot," he told Mrs. Pennyfarthing, who meowed uninterestedly and wiggled to be put down.
--
"You okay?" Justin asked, popping into Jesse's office.
"As fine as I can be with a giant banquet today and no sleep," said Jesse.
"You should sleep," said Justin. "In fact, you should sleep with that hot British dude. I mean, I was halfway tempted and I'm at least one hundred times straighter than you."
"He's going back to England, and you're really, really not," said Jesse. "I… I think I'm going to tell him what happened next time we email."
"Finally!" said Justin. "Jesus. I thought I was gonna have to hack your email and tell him myself. Hey, when are you changing for the dinner?"
Jesse looked at his suit. "What?" he said. "This is fine."
"Seriously? You seriously think that?"
"Go away," said Jesse.
"You want me to try and fix it?" Justin asked, perking up a little. "I could call him and -"
"I will give you a million dollars if you will just leave me alone," said Jesse.
Justin sighed and threw his hands up. "I tried," he announced to no one, and stomped off.
Jesse planned to drown himself in work if it was at all possible, because if he had any time to think he might end up drowning himself for real. Unfortunately half an hour later Walsh stuck his head in the office and Jesse couldn't scare him off by demanding that he just leave, so he ended up being dragged upstairs to the ballroom to start greeting clients and potential clients.
"You're our man on the inside as far as non-profits go," said Walsh. "You're so good at talking them around to investing with us. High profit, low risk, and good for our portfolio. The investors love you for it. Hey, did one of your cats die?"
"What?" Jesse asked, momentarily panicked. "Why, did someone call about my cats?"
"Just… Your face," said Walsh.
"Oh, that," said Jesse. "I'm thinking about getting a new one. It didn't work so well last time, but I think this time it might really take off."
"What?" Walsh asked, opening the door to the banquet room. "Never mind. Just try to look a little less morose, Eisenberg."
The room looked really great, which was a testament to how hard Jesse and Justin and everyone else had been working. There was a four-piece string ensemble, beautifully decorated tables, and a small stage with a microphone for self-congratulatory speeches. There were a few men in suits already walking around, and far fewer women. Jesse recognized Emma by her bright red hair, talking to people on the other side of the room.
"Harvey, hey, this is our best man, Jesse Eisenberg," said Walsh, steering Jesse toward a group of suits. "Jesse, this is Harvey, he's one of the founders of Clean Water Everywhere. We're hoping to sign them tonight."
"I've heard great things about you," said Harvey in a crisp British accent, and shook Jesse's hand.
"I can answer any questions you might have," said Jesse. "I work with all our non-profits, we have a really incentivized program for-Uh --- For -"
"Jesse?" said Walsh, frowning.
Andrew was standing behind Harvey. He looked absolutely amazing in a gray suit and a skinny tie and his hair was a little less ridiculous but still kind of ridiculous and Jesse's entire chest was collapsing inside him.
"Ah, my right-hand man," said Harvey. "This is Andrew."
"Hi," said Andrew, and he was talking to Jesse, he was actually right there, speaking to him, and all Jesse couldn't remember how to blink or breathe or move. He just stood there and stared.
Walsh laughed uncomfortably. "Jesse can be kind of shy," he said.
Andrew tilted his head a little. "You look familiar," he said, and the tiniest frown flitted across his face.
Jesse was going to pass out from not breathing. "I get that a lot," he said, although it came out as more of a croak. Walsh elbowed him. "Uh, hi. Welcome to New York."
"It's the most remarkable thing, you even sound familiar," said Andrew, frowning more.
"Oh, do I?" Jesse asked, voice a little high-pitched with panic.
"And there's my other superstar," said Walsh, looking over Andrew's shoulder. "Justin, come over here!"
Jesse had had panic attacks before; he knew what they felt like. His heart was racing and his hands were sweaty and the room was starting to spin. Walsh was waving Justin over, and Justin turned and smiled, and Andrew turned to look at him, and his face sort of froze on a friendly smile, and Jesse was going to just keel over and pass out at any second.
"Andrew, Justin. Justin, this is Andrew."
Justin realized who Andrew was just a tenth of a second after Andrew stuck his hand out to shake. Justin's face went from "hi there" to "oh shit" to totally professional so quickly that Jesse would have been impressed, if his brain had been working at all.
"Justin," said Andrew carefully. "Justin." His face was totally, terrifyingly blank.
"Justin and Jesse are our dynamic duo," said Walsh, clapping Jesse on the shoulder.
Andrew turned back to him. "Sorry, you're Jesse?" he asked, and his tone was light and friendly and utterly proper, but his eyes were… Well. Piercing didn't begin to cover it.
"Yeah," said Justin, sounding truly apologetic. "He's Jesse. Listen, we can explain."
"Oh can you?" Andrew asked, still polite but with an incredible edge underneath it. He wasn't smiling at all anymore.
Walsh had somehow totally missed the undercurrent of the conversation. Jesse couldn't figure out how anyone could miss it. "They're our best guys. They'll be working with you, they're the very best at handling clients."
"Yes," said Andrew coldly, "I feel very handled. I suppose this was some kind of recruitment technique?"
"No!" Jesse blurted. "It-"
"Tell them the good news," said Harvey, nudging Andrew.
It took Andrew just a second to school his face into a smile. "We're going to be signing with you," he said.
"Hey, that's great," said Walsh.
"We really…" Andrew started, and then turned to look at Jesse again. "We really appreciate how open and honest you've been during this whole process," he said, sounding choked.
Jesse opened his mouth to apologize and explain but nothing was coming out. Andrew looked so hurt. It was worse than he'd ever imagined.
"It's been really refreshing," Andrew went on, because obviously Harvey was expecting him to. "Feeling like we'd finally found an investment firm we could trust."
"So many people try to bullshit you," said Harvey cheerfully, "but having talked to Justin and Jesse over the last couple of weeks I'm sure you're all being totally straight with us. No bullshit here at all, it's refreshing. Just good guys I feel like I can trust, right Andrew?"
"Yes," said Andrew. "Trust. I… God, I'm sorry, excuse me," he said, and bolted for the door.
"Wait!" Jesse shouted, running after him. Walsh started to say something and Justin caught his arm, shaking his head. "Wait, please wait," Jesse said, just behind Andrew as he pushed his way out into the hallway.
"Is this some kind of game to you?" Andrew demanded, turning around. "Some kind of hilarious American joke I'm not understanding?"
"No," said Jesse. "It's a… Misunderstanding."
"Which one of you has been emailing me?" Andrew asked, crossing his arms. He looked like a kicked puppy. Jesse hated himself so much. "Which one of you have I been confessing my darkest secrets to? I imagine you've been reading them out loud to each other and laughing."
"It wasn't like that, it was me, it was all me." I really like you he wanted to say, but he couldn't manage it, and Andrew was already talking again.
"That's funny," said Andrew. One of the partners walked past them, giving them both a strange look. "Because I'm sure I went on a date with him. God, Carey's in there, she's seen your - his - photographs, she's going to know what a complete fool I am."
"I'm the only one who was writing you," Jesse said. "I'm sorry! Justin was … I dragged him into it."
"Well thank you so much for making me look like a complete and utter idiot!" Andrew shouted.
"I didn't know it was you!" Jesse said.
"I think that's my line," Andrew snapped.
"I mean, here, at work. I didn't know you worked for the company we were talking to," said Jesse despairingly. It still didn't excuse anything.
He couldn't tell if Andrew even heard him. "I have never felt so stupid in my life," said Andrew, furiously quiet. "You and your coworkers stood around laughing at me, they're probably having a good laugh in there right now. And I was… I was being honest with you. God, I defended you! I thought you were too good to be true, I talked to everyone about how I'd met the one real, wonderful person on the internet. My friends kept telling me that I ought to have checked up on you, and I said you were the most honest person I'd ever met. I will never be able to face Carey again. I can't believe I was so stupid!" There were tears in his eyes. Jesse wasn't crying, but it was because it felt like his entire chest was broken. Someone had taken everything inside him and ground it down to powder and set it on fire and he couldn’t breathe.
"You weren't," choked Jesse.
"I was! I absolutely bloody was," Andrew shouted. The caterers were looking at them. "I knew something was wrong, I knew you didn't sound the same, but I liked you so much I didn't use my brain at all. I let you make a complete idiot out of me." He shook his head, chest heaving. "Well at least you've made one thing a lot easier."
"Never speaking to me again," Jesse hazarded, barely audible.
"That too," snarled Andrew. "No, I mean Harvey has been pushing me for months to take over as head of our international operations, but I thought it might be a bit difficult to… To carry on a relationship while I was traveling around Asia and Africa. No worries now, though! I'll be on the plane to Namibia first thing when I get back."
"In… In Africa?"
"As far away from you as I can get," Andrew said coldly, and walked out.
--
Justin had obviously told Walsh something, because Jesse stuck his head inside just long enough to catch Justin's eye. "Go home," Justin mouthed, waving at him, and for once he looked genuinely sympathetic.
Emma dashed over and met him at the door. "Oh my god, Jesse, are you okay?" she asked. "Let me call you a cab."
"No, I… I'll be fine," said Jesse, feeling oddly empty inside. "We knew that was going to blow up, didn't we? I just hope he doesn't get in trouble with his boss for walking out."
"Justin smoothed it all over," said Emma. She looked so worried. Jesse tried to feel grateful for it, or angry about it, but there was just nothing. "I'll come home with you, make sure you get there okay."
"No," said Jesse quietly. "You need to be here for the banquet. Tell Walsh I'm sorry. I'll be here first thing tomorrow morning."
"If anyone asks your great aunt just died," said Emma, and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.
Jesse collected his coat and his laptop and took the subway home, because he wanted to sit and stare into space for a while. He tried to feel relieved that it was all over. He tried to feel sad that he'd made Andrew so sad. He tried to feel angry or disappointed or hopeful or anything, and instead there was just a big empty space where Andrew had been.
It was dark and cold by the time he got home. He walked up the steps to his apartment and hoped the cats meowing for food hadn't disturbed his neighbors. They circled around his feet and tried to trip him and he fed them on auto pilot.
A cold, sick feeling settled in the bottom of Jesse's stomach. He'd been hopeful, and he'd been stupid. He was scared that horrible, sick feeling was never going to go away again.
Jesse had cried every single day of kindergarten because he was so homesick, and he felt the same way now, even though he was in his own kitchen, with his own cats. Raskolnikov purred and head butted him before jumping on top of Number Three and chasing him away. Mrs. Pennyfarthing curled up in his lap.
After a few quiet minutes Jesse picked the phone up. There was only one thing he could think of to do about all this guilt, sinking in his stomach.
"Mom?" Jesse said, hoping she couldn't hear quite how ragged his voice was. "I… Can I talk to you? I screwed something up pretty badly and I just… I need to tell you and have you yell at me."
"Sweetheart," she said sadly, and Jesse finally started to cry.
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