Life and Breath Part 11
Title: Life and Breath
Author: Pink Rabbit Productions
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia/Natalia
Part: 11
Date: 9 July, 2009
Rating: Personally, I'd call it an R, but some might consider it NC-17 at some point.
Disclaimer: The characters and situations belong to other folks far wealthier, more important (or at least with better lawyers), and hopefully more charitable and kinder than I. They include, but are not necessarily limited to CBS, Proctor and Gamble, and Telenext. The actual arrangement of words, however, remains my own as do any original characters. Meanwhile, there is likely to be all female romantic and sexual activity ahead, so if this is likely to get you, me, or anybody else arrested should you take a gander, please move along. Also, if you find that sort of thing offensive, you really probably shouldn't hang around anyplace I'm posting. Just sayin'....
Archiving: The Pink Rabbit Consortium
Spoilers: Some early scenes definitely, plus anything through the spa trip is fair game.
Timeline: Unlike some folks, I don't have an exact scene where this one takes off. However, it's definitely set after the spa trip, but before Rafe's release from the halfway house. Oh, and it's after Natalia admits she's in love with Olivia to Father Ray.
Earlier Parts: | Part 1 (Prologue) | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 |
Author's Note: Sorry this is running a bit later than planned. Weather, work, and my inability to get this scene quite right conspired against me.
Life and Breath
by Pink Rabbit Productions
Part 11
Huge, heavy raindrops splattered down on the world, the sound a steady, rattling background burr broken by the occasional crack and rumble of thunder. Overhead, the sky was pitch black until the occasional moment when sharp-edged streamers of lightning sliced from sky to ground, momentarily turning night to day.
Standing on the farmhouse front porch, Olivia stared across the surrounding landscape with a frown. Not a good night to be out driving, she thought a little uneasily, especially since the road back to town wasn't in the best of shape even in good weather. She probably should have headed back to the Beacon hours before, but the day had gone too perfectly to turn away.
Oh, not the weather. The storm had threatened all day long, hanging overhead, greying the world and occasionally dropping a few, fat spatters of raindrops on the town.
Wrapped up in Emma and Natalia and the simple joy of being a family again, Olivia couldn't have cared less so long as it didn't interfere. Which it hadn't. Or rather, when it interfered, they'd simply moved on and found something else to do where it wasn't a problem. An easy enough task, since the worst of the weather had held off until they were headed home and about a quarter of a mile from the house. Then suddenly the heavens had opened up and rain had spilled down in torrents until the world was a dim fog in the headlights and there wasn't a fast enough wiper setting to keep the windshield clear.
Already crashed in the backseat after a day that included, among other things, the park, the human Habitrail at Chuckles, and a healthy serving of ice cream at Company, Emma never noticed. And when they pulled into the farmhouse drive and Natalia fetched her out of the backseat under cover of an umbrella held by Olivia, she barely stirred, nor noted a few minutes later when Natalia settled into her bed.
That had been nearly an hour before. After chatting for a bit, Natalia had slipped off to call Rafe. She did so regularly now that he was in the halfway house and the rules about such things were much less restrictive.
Olivia had checked on Emma one more time, still a little edgy for reasons she couldn't name. But her little girl slept deeply, never stirring when Olivia petted her hair back with a gentle hand. Soothed, she'd slipped back downstairs, aware of the soft timbre of Natalia's voice as she spoke to her son over the phone, the words unintelligible, only the gentle tone coming through. Understanding the need for privacy, she'd quietly stepped onto the porch, drawn to the chaotic might of the storm as it rolled in overhead.
As she watched lightning shoot across the sky, bright fingers burning into her retinas and leaving sharply spiked after-images, she couldn't help but remember the violent tropical storms that had swept through San Cristobel in her youth. It was an oddly pleasant memory. Her father had loved their wild beauty as they'd rolled in across the coast and would sit out watching them whenever he could. More than once, she'd stayed with him, a little frightened, but feeling protected by his mere presence.
Then one day, he wasn't there any more, and she'd stopped watching the storms.
And stopped feeling safe or protected.
Strange to be standing there, so many years and miles from that time and yet feeling some of that same sense of safety and belonging in a storm. Shoving her hands in her pockets, she leaned against a porch post, careless of the few drops of rain that splashed her where she stood at the edge of the roofline. She was still standing there several minutes later when she heard the sound of a door opening and closing.
"Thanks for giving me a few minutes," Natalia said as she linked an arm in Olivia's and leaned her head against a firm shoulder. "Rafe said to say, hi," she added, her tone purposely light, though there was an undercurrent of sadness.
"How's he doing?"
Natalia shrugged. "It's hard," she said simply and leaned a little more heavily against the solid shape of Olivia's shoulder, needing the warmth and support of that simple contact. "Things are a lot better at the halfway house...but it's still not home." Sometimes it seemed like the world was crushing in on her when she thought about her son, but then Olivia would be there, holding her up, keeping her sane when it was so tempting to just lose it to the panic and fear. She peered out at the cascading rainstorm. "Doesn't look like you two are going home tonight."
"I didn't want to push," Olivia admitted, "but..." she trailed off into silence, then tensed ever so slightly as Natalia curved slender fingers around her wrist, gently tugging her hand free of a pants pocket and using the loose grip to pull her around so they were facing each other.
"Do you honestly think I'd let you and Emma go out in that?" Natalia questioned. She offered a tender smile. "Besides, I was going to ask you to stay even without the storm," she admitted a little shyly.
Olivia felt her pulse accelerate at that bit of news. "Really?" she exhaled sharply, uncertain exactly what to hope for. No, that wasn't right. She knew what to hope for. She just strongly suspected that wasn't quite what Natalia had in mind.
Natalia's head bobbed in an unsteady nod, and her gaze fell away as she studied the play of muscle across the back of Olivia's hand where it was bound to her own. "Yeah," she said very softly, her voice quavering ever so slightly with nervousness. "I was kind of hoping you and Emma would stay..." It had been so good being back together, and she wasn't ready to let go. "And that you'd come to mass with me in the morning..."
Which explained her nervousness. Olivia wasn't known for her love of all things church oriented.
"Mass?" Olivia echoed and saw Natalia nod in confirmation. "With Father Ray?" she added uncertainly.
Another nod.
"I'm not exactly his favorite person," Olivia pointed out quietly, "what with tempting his most devout parishioner off the straight and narrow and all that."
Toying gently with the hand caught in her grasp, Natalia resisted the urge to look up and see the uncertainty she knew would be reflected in green eyes. "It's not ideal...I know that," she admitted as she distracted herself from her fears by exploring the complex twining of bone and muscle between Olivia's wrist bone and knuckles, both fascinated and comforted by the strength and grace she found there. "But the church is a big part of my life...and even if I'm not quite ready to shout things out from the rooftops, I am proud of you and Emma." Tipping her head up, she peered into eyes that glittered from deeply cut shadows. "And I want you both in every part of my life."
If Natalia had spent days trying to come up with the perfect way to turn Olivia Spencer to putty, before wrapping her around a delicate finger, she couldn't have done any better. The older woman couldn't have refused a single request if her life depended on it. "Okay," she said after a beat, her tone hesitant. "If you're sure---"
"I am," Natalia whispered, knowing it wasn't easy for the other woman. It wasn't easy for her either in some ways. She knew Father Ray would disapprove and probably cast a few glares their way. But it wasn't Father Ray's house, it was God's, and Natalia had no shame holding what she felt for Olivia before God. She raised the hand caught in her own to press a soft kiss to the back of Olivia's knuckles.
Struggling to keep her head clear in the face of the shivers of awareness running riot over what seemed like every nerve ending in her body, Olivia straightened her shoulders and consciously shook off some of the haze. This was important, she reminded herself, one clash between them that wasn't likely to go away. "You do realize this isn't going to be a regular event?" she asked gently. "That I don't want Emma raised in the church?" She saw the faint tension that slid through slender shoulders, but it was something she felt had to be clarified as they moved forward.
"I know that, Olivia," Natalia admitted. "She's your daughter," she added, her tone faintly defensive, her eyes focused elsewhere, "and you have every right to-"
"She's my daughter," Olivia agreed, her voice just loud enough to override Natalia's, then added, "but in a lot of ways, she's become yours as well." She tucked a hand under Natalia's chin and brought her head up until their eyes met. "She adores you...and you've been incredibly good for her. I don't want you to think I'm not aware of that."
Natalia exhaled a breath she hadn't even been aware of holding. "Me, but not my faith?" she questioned, a little hurt by what felt like a rejection of an important part of herself.
"I have no problem with your faith," Olivia said carefully. "Father Ray and the church are another matter." She shook her head slowly, wishing she had a magic wand to make everything simple. "I disagree with too much of what they believe...but more than that, I won't have anyone teaching my daughter that love can ever be a sin..." She wanted Natalia to understand that it wasn't just her personal history with the darker side of her mother's religion or even her own lack of belief that held her back. "...that the way I feel about you could ever be a sin," she added with extra emphasis.
Blinking back the sudden threat of tears, Natalia didn't trust herself to speak past the tightness in her throat. "I would never want that," she admitted at last, the mere idea enough to make her chest compress and knot up until it was hard to breathe. Resting her palm on Olivia's chest, she felt the warmth of skin, and the gentle rhythm of her heart, the sensations soothing some of the tension away. Uncertain what else to say, she simply tipped her head forward to rest it against Olivia's shoulder.
In the background, the driving rhythm of the rain slowed a little and softened, gentling to a steady patter.
Turning her head, Olivia nosed into chestnut silk, breathing in the scent of shampoo and perfume, her lips near a delicate ear. "You gave me my life." She nuzzled warm skin, thrilling to the soft shiver that slid through the other woman. Her voice so low it barely qualified as a whisper, she tried to explain, "But more than that, you gave me back a part of myself I thought I'd lost...I won't have Emma hear that denigrated...I can't," she added, her voice threatening to crack on the last syllable.
Bringing her head up, Natalia stared at the older woman, searching the shadows for well-studied features.
As if to punctuate the moment, lightning shot across the sky, leaping from cloud to cloud rather than spearing into the ground and momentarily shooting streamers of light and color through the sky.
Both women stood frozen, caught in the reflected glow, their expressions open in a way they might not have been had they expected to lose the faint protection of darkness.
Love, want, need, longing and a thousand other emotions stood painted in colors of flesh and shadow and glittering eyes.
Then the light was gone again. A beat passed, then thunder shook the porch and rattled the nearby windows.
If Natalia had never known, if Olivia had never confessed in a cemetery on a chill winter's day, if, if, if. Even if a thousand things had conspired to keep her ignorant and in denial, she would have known in that moment. It was there, inescapable, the kind of love she'd never once known in her life; not from the parents who'd set the rules so rigidly that they'd allowed their only child to walk out of their lives and never tried to call her back; not from the boy, Gus, who'd been stolen away but never searched for her, nor the man, Gus, who might have loaned her his body and some of his loyalty, but who'd reserved his heart for Harley; not even from her son, who loved her with a child's greed, but always with the taunting sense that it might be withdrawn if she ever failed to live up to his expectations.
Only with this woman had she found not only love, but safety and acceptance. She reached out cautiously, her hand trembling ever so slightly despite her best efforts.
Still blinded by the bright flash, Olivia was startled by the feel of gentle fingertips along the line of her jaw, tracing her cheekbones, following the line of the cord that ran from behind her ear down the arch of her throat. "Natalia?" the name was whispered on the barest breath.
"Shhh." Then those fingers ghosted over Olivia's lips, silencing questions, doubts, plans, everything. It was easier without the need for words. Sometimes they just complicated things.
Heart slamming against her ribcage, feeling daring and a little frightened at the same time, Natalia let her fingers drift, exploring slowly, brailing the shape and flex, the heat, a soft pulse. Olivia was nothing more than a shadow overlaid by the ghost of the lightning flash that still played against her retinas, forcing her to feel her way as she raised her other hand and found the shape of an arm, then skated up and along the slope of a shoulder, then down again to feel the curve of Olivia's upper chest. It rose and fell, the gentle movement rough and a little unsteady.
Uncertain what to do or say, Olivia froze, simply waiting for Natalia to make her choices.
Silent. Soft. Fingers floated and played, moving almost randomly in the quest to learn this new landscape, trailing over elegant features, smooth shoulders, firm arms, then finding the first forbidden curve of full breasts. As that awareness of where her hands rested sank in, Natalia didn't so much freeze as pause, the reality of what she was doing and contemplating suddenly sweeping over her.
Natalia Rivera had never really thought about a woman's body before Olivia, had barely even thought about a man's if she was honest. Bodies were sin when she was an unquestioning child, forbidden temptation by the time the hormones were running and the boys were chasing, then an unaffordable distraction when she had a crying child and bills to pay. Even when she found Gus again, they were more a port in the storm than anything else.
Never had they been pure pleasure.
Until now.
Olivia was safety and belonging and comfort and love, but she was also lust and desire and wanton dreams overlaying a body that drew Natalia like the proverbial moth to the flame. When Natalia moved again, it was to trail the fingertips of one hand along the top curve of dreamt-of flesh, then into the deep vee before trickling lower, brushing the inner curve of full breasts, then the plane of a flat belly. Feeling a kind of freedom she'd never experienced before in her entire life, she spread her hand, feeling the heat and shape as Olivia's abdominals contracted, driving out a sharp gust of air.
A hard tremor shook Olivia from head to toe.
Natalia had studied Olivia for months, watching under the cover of bangs and lashes, peering when the other woman wouldn't notice, at first telling herself it was just the need to understand her new roommate, then later, knowing she wanted in ways she had no business doing. She'd even initiated hugs, desperate to memorize to the weight and feel of perfect curves pressed against her own. None of it had prepared her for the independent contrast of strength and softness.
As the tender explorations continued, Olivia groaned low in her throat, her body on fire, a few key parts downright molten. She wanted to grab, move things along, take the lead, but understood without being told that the rules were different tonight. The night before had been her kind of seduction, all wicked sexuality and mind-bending tease. Tonight it was Natalia's turn. Time for Olivia to follow wherever Natalia chose to lead.
Instinctively sensing Olivia's acquiescence, Natalia stepped closer, a delicate thrill of power sliding through her. The hand spread against Olivia's midriff slipped sideways, fingers gliding along the sleek S curve that flowed from waist into hip and thigh, then tightening in a gesture of raw possession, pressing and holding on tight. At the same time, the hand still resting lightly on the taller woman's upper chest slid up and back, brushing past her shoulder and along the slope of her back where it curved into the nape of her neck. Then fine-boned fingers ducked under the fall of her hair, shaping to the back of her neck.
Green eyes slid closed as Olivia's breath came in shallow, uneven pants. She felt the shift of the boards beneath her feet as Natalia stepped closer still, then warm curves shaped to her own and the hand on her neck tightened, tugging her forward and down.
The first brush of velvet lips was as soft as a butterfly's wing fluttering against her skin and moving in much the same way, outlining the shape of her mouth, inviting lips to part, learning the shape and contour. It wasn't so much one kiss as a hundred that never quite began or ended, but simply melded from one to the next.
Olivia's eyes rolled and a hand snapped back, clutching at the post behind her in a valiant attempt to remain standing. Her heart was pounding a rhumba beat in her chest while arousal ran thick and heavy in her veins and sensation compressed and spun tighter at the base of her belly.
Natalia owned her: heart, mind, body, and somewhat battered soul.
As if to prove that point, the hand at her waist moved on, wrapping on around her body, fingers and palm spreading, shaping to fit smooth curves as they reached the small of her back, then pressing firmly, molding their bodies more firmly together.
The thought went through Olivia's head that they fit together perfectly, each curve counterbalancing another and making way for the next like a perfectly planned yin and yang symbol.
Then Natalia's mouth opened against her own and thought was no longer an option.
Natalia drank in Olivia's sharp breath, devouring the taste of her as she sampled the contrasting textures of sharp teeth, rough tongue, velvet inner cheek. She heard Olivia moan, felt her melt and sink against the post at her back, then welcome the further press of aroused bodies. In that moment, she understood that any taste of sexual power she'd had before had been small and inconsequential. That she could make this woman tremble and turn malleable both thrilled and amazed her.
Little Natalia Rivera didn't do things like that. And she certainly didn't have it in her to fit her fingers to the line of a smooth jaw and guide another woman's head this way and that, adjusting angles for the best effect as her lips alternately teased and laid claim.
No, Natalia Rivera wasn't one to do that.
Yet there she was. Doing exactly that.
And Olivia was right there with her.
Her breathing ragged, body trembling so hard she would have gone down if not for her desperate grip on the post at her back, Olivia slanted her head under Natalia's guidance, surrendering her mouth and body to the other woman's touch and kisses.
Utterly undone.
The storm overhead was forgotten, no longer a threat or distraction, it had become a blanket of protection, blocking out the lights and noises from the road and the house.
Besides, it was a minor tick in the weather compared with the storm flaring between them.
Natalia had no plan beyond the next kiss and the kiss after that and the feel of the body pressed against her own and the ache throbbing and pulsing in-
"What are you doing?" the unexpected, hesitantly asked question shook both adults more violently than the loudest thunder crack, knocking mouths apart and throwing hands to their sides, leaving them breathing hard in sheer terror.
"Tell me that isn't Emma," Natalia begged almost inaudibly.
Without answering, Olivia tipped her head to the side just enough to peer past Natalia's shoulder at the small figure standing just outside the farmhouse door. "Emma," the older woman breathed as she struggled to shift gears and kick start her brain.
"Mom?" the child questioned uncertainly, delicate features drawing into a frown of confusion as she stared up at her mother and the woman who had become like a second mother. She'd fully expected to find them tied up in each other when she'd woken and gone hunting-that was normal, they could talk and argue all night-but not like this, arms, mouths, and bodies entwined like the characters in movies Jane wasn't supposed to let her watch.
Emma didn't know quite what to think.
Olivia could see Natalia's panic even in near-total darkness. It was there in the faint glitter of her eyes and quake of her shadowed form. Reaching up, she settled a hand on her shoulder, refusing to drop it away when Natalia dipped her shoulder as if to shake it off. They needed to be together for this. Marshaling herself, grateful for the adrenaline rush that helped clear away the passion-induced cobwebs, Olivia stepped to one side, noting as she moved that her back and one arm were damp from the blowing rain. Lost in the moment, she hadn't noticed, but the slight chill added another measure of mental clarity, the little bit of physical discomfort helping wash away some of the physical pleasure of moments before.
"Mom?" Emma said again, not sure what to ask or how, but absolutely certain there were questions needed under the circumstances.
"What do you think we were doing, jellybean?" Olivia asked when she finally spoke, not knowing where to start or how to answer and hoping Emma would give her a clue what to say next.
"It looked like you were kissing," her daughter said, still using that hesitant, uncertain tone.
Which meant there was no hiding from this. Emma wasn't stupid. Besides, in raising her daughter, Olivia had followed one absolute rule: never lie. She might not have told her everything, certainly she'd avoided some discussions, but she never lied to Emma. Now wasn't the time to start. She felt Natalia tense and looked over, meeting her gaze for a brief second before turning her attention back to Emma. "We were," she said at last. They'd intended on telling the girl soon anyway. Okay, so this wasn't how they'd planned it, but then life seldom went according to plan in Olivia's experience.
Emma blinked, absorbing her mother's answer. Natalia was still facing away and she quietly said her name, "Natalia," willing her to turn around, fearing the woman was angry at her, though she didn't quite know why. "Are you mad at me?"
"No, honey," Natalia assured the girl as she spun to face her, her eyes scared, but unable to bear the idea of Emma thinking she'd done something wrong. She struggled for words, her mouth suddenly dry. "Just scared that maybe you'll be mad at me," she admitted in a rush.
A brief head shake, but Emma didn't otherwise respond, just stood there silently, her gaze swinging back and forth between the two adults, brows drawn into a hint of a frown, clearly confused. A small hand rose, gesturing to both of them. "You aren't just BFFs, are you?" she questioned at last, her voice small and uncertain.
Olivia swallowed hard. "No."
The small hand remained poised in mid air. Her gaze swung to touch on Natalia. "This is why you didn't marry Uncle Frank, isn't it?" she asked carefully, her tone slow and measured, as though she was working a particularly tricky jigsaw puzzle and testing each piece to make sure it was in the right spot.
Natalia cast a faintly panicked gaze Olivia's way and received a faint nod of confirmation in return.
"Yes," Natalia said, barely covering a wince as the single word escaped her lips.
The child's eye dropped and she fell silent. Processing this new information. Finally, she looked up again, directing that serious, intent gaze at her mother this time. "You used to kiss Bill like that," she noted in that same, soft, struggling-to-understand voice. "Do you love Natalia like you used to Daddy and Bill?" she asked a beat later.
Olivia didn't pause, but also didn't rush. "Yes," she said, her response measured and serious, "I do."
"Does this mean you're gay?"
Olivia supposed she should have expected the question. After all, in a day and age when the argument over such things was likely to be a topic during elections, supreme court nominations, the daily news, not to mention the subject of music and art and movies, it was unreal to expect that somehow her child would be unaware.
"Do you know what that means?" she asked after some consideration. Kids' definitions and adults' didn't always mesh. Best to lay some semantic ground rules.
"I think so," Emma said, the words coming slowly and carefully. "Danny said his older brother is gay...and when he came home from college, he brought a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend. Danny said they kissed and stuff and his parents were upset, but that he was really nice...and really good at Mario Kart on the Wii."
Score one for our side, Olivia thought with some irony even as she wondered when exactly it had become her side rather than just an abstract civil rights issue. Natalia shifted from foot to foot next to her. Oh, right. "It's a little more complicated than that...but basically that's the idea," she explained after a moment. "People use it to refer to a man who falls in love with a man or a woman who falls in love with another woman."
"So are you?" Emma questioned.
So much for any hope of dodging that particular bullet.
Never lie, Olivia reminded herself, repeating the words like a mantra when it felt like a sudden earthquake would be a welcome relief from the discomfort. She slid to her knees in front of her daughter, putting them more on level and buying her a moment of extra time. "I don't know," she admitted at last. She hadn't really thought of it in those terms. She was still just Olivia. Who had loved Richard and Josh and Phillip and a few more besides, and who now loved Natalia. She wasn't a cause or a statement. She was just a woman in love. "I know that I love Natalia...but I also loved your father...Buzz...Bill..." Okay, let's not go through the entire list, some part of her mind suggested helpfully, she needs to get to bed before dawn and sending Natalia screaming into the night won't help either. "It's complicated."
The child's gaze touched on Natalia, who shrugged a little helplessly. "I don't have any brilliant answers either, sweetie," she admitted breathlessly, then flashed a quick glance at the woman kneeling in front of her and felt some of the nervousness fade as Olivia looked back. "Except that I love your mom," she whispered, unable to hold back the truth.
Peering at the floor beneath her feet, Emma absorbed that information. A deep frown etched a line between her brows. "Were you..." she trailed off, not quite knowing how to express the question as it flitted through her mind. This was all complex in a way she hadn't quite worked out. From what Danny had said about the fight at his house, she had a vague idea of how it worked, but it was pretty unformed. "When we lived at the farmhouse before," she tried again as she tipped her head back up to peer at her mother, "were you..." the small hand gestured between them, "...like this?"
A quick look flashed between the adults, then Olivia drew a deep breath as she tried to find a way to explain that confusing time in a way a child could understand. "Not at first...we were just friends...but as time went by...." Relief swept through her as a fine-boned hand settled on her shoulder, then Natalia crouched down beside her.
"We fell in love," Natalia explained when Olivia seemed to run out of words. She paused as she shared a look with Olivia, then reached up to brush rain damp hair back from her cheek before settling her hand back on the other woman's shoulder. "And I realized there was no one else in the world that I could spend my life with."
"But you agreed to marry Frank," Emma pointed out, still not understanding that particular bit of history when she'd seen for herself that Natalia didn't love him.
"And I shouldn't have," Natalia responded almost instantly, then fell silent for a beat. "I made a mistake because I...I was afraid..." She felt Olivia tense and brushed her hair again, drawing her attention. "And I shouldn't have been," she added as much for the mother's benefit as the child's.
"Why were you afraid?" the girl asked, worry clouding her voice. "Did Uncle Frank do something-" She'd seen the almost desperate look in his eyes sometimes when he looked at Natalia.
"No," Natalia assured the child, then paused, uncertain what to explain or just how much Olivia wanted her daughter to hear on the subject of societal or religious opinions of homosexuality. "He didn't...he wouldn't."
Emma wasn't so sure about that, but she didn't argue. "Then why?"
"Remember how you said Danny's parents were mad when his brother brought home a boyfriend?" Olivia broke in, sparing Natalia the need to answer that question too directly. Hopefully, if they tag-teamed it, they might just get out alive.
Emma nodded.
"Well," Olivia continued as she searched for the right way to explain things in a way Emma could understand without introducing any unnecessary new doubts, "some people think being gay is wrong...and they can be mean. And sometimes it's kinda scary to face that."
"Is it wrong?" the child asked, cutting straight to the chase.
Olivia shook her head, her gaze steady. "I've never believed it was," she answered firmly. "I don't believe it can be wrong to sincerely love someone."
Emma seemed to accept that because she turned her gaze toward Natalia.
Natalia flinched ever so slightly as she was subjected to a long, piercing look, leaving her with a sense of being weighed and measured by the child that was somewhat disconcerting. "Are you still scared?" Emma finally asked her.
It was so tempting to deny the fear, but Natalia was comfortably certain the girl would see through that ploy. "Sometimes," she admitted, her voice thick with emotion. "But then I look at your mom and the fear just kind of melts away...because I know that her opinion matters to me much more than anyone who would think I wasn't a good person because I love her."
Unbelievably touched by the quietly spoken words, Olivia reached up, finding the hand at her shoulder and linking their fingers together.
That answer seemed to satisfy Emma because some of the tension drained out of narrow shoulders. Then suddenly she stiffened again. "Is that why you didn't tell me before?" the child questioned, sounding a little hurt by the thought. "Did you think that I'd be like that...that I'd think it was wrong?"
"No, Em," her mother assured her instantly. A tender smile curved her mouth as she reached out, smoothing fine hair back. "We were still figuring things out for ourselves...and we weren't really sure what we were doing, or where it was going at first. But I know you, bean...and I know you wouldn't judge someone for who they loved." She hadn't raised her child to be that way, and she was incredibly proud that Emma had been insulted by the thought that anyone would think that of her.
"But you were gonna tell me?" the girl asked after a beat, sounding a little insecure and hurt at being left out.
"Of course we were," Olivia assured her daughter. She looked over at Natalia and felt the love she saw in brown eyes sweep through her. "We're a family," she said when she spoke again, "and that means you're a part of this...and it affects you too."
Emma accepted that answer with a thoughtful look. "Are we gonna move back to the farmhouse?"
Wishing she had a firm answer, Olivia could only look over Natalia, her own wishes in her eyes. "I hope so," she admitted breathlessly.
"I do too," Natalia said, meeting Olivia's steady look with one of her own, wanting to reassure the other woman that she understood the seriousness of what was happening.
Again, Emma was silent for a long moment, running through it all in her head as she tried take it all in and assemble the pieces together in a way that made sense. "If we move back in," she asked at last, "will you sleep in the same room?" That, as she understood it, had been one of the major fights in Danny's house and was apparently central to the whole issue.
The adults shared another look. Talk about unexpected questions.
Finally Olivia turned her gaze back to her daughter and blew out a soft, breath in an effort to release a little tension. Never lie to your daughter, she reminded herself. "Yes," she answered honestly, "we will." Hopefully, they wouldn't have to go into a full discussion of the birds and the bees now. She wasn't really feeling up for it.
"Okay," the girl said softly, then fell silent, her expression unreadable.
"Is there anything else you want to ask?" Olivia questioned gently as she caught small hands in her own and tugged her daughter a little closer.
"Not right now," Emma responded, the words coming slowly. She had a lot to think about. "Maybe later."
"All right," Olivia murmured, determined not to push. "Are you okay with this?" she asked after a beat, uncertain quite how to read her daughter's mood.
Natalia felt her pulse accelerate as they waited for Emma's answer, some part of her scared to death the girl would totally reject the idea.
"I think so," Emma said at last. She looked back and forth between the two women, still struggling to piece it all together in her head. She knew she didn't wanna be like Danny's parents, but there was a lot to take in. Finally, her gaze went back to her mother, silently seeking reassurance.
Olivia reached out, cupping one hand along the side of her daughter's face, the gesture infinitely tender. "You know we both love you very much, right?"
A small chin bobbed slowly in confirmation. "I just need to think about it a little," Emma admitted.
"That's okay," Olivia assured the child. "Whatever you need." She offered a watery smile. "And anytime you're ready, you can ask us any questions...or say anything you want."
"Okay." Emma nodded her understanding.
"Can I get a hug?"
Natalia could hear Olivia's trepidation in the quiet question and suspected Emma could as well because the little girl nodded, then reached out. Wrapping skinny arms around her mother's neck, she buried her face in her shoulder and sank into the protection of her body, while Olivia enfolded her arms around her daughter and snuggled her close.
Dimly illuminated by the lights from the house, the color a soft, candle-glow shade of amber that glossed silken hair and warmed velvet flesh, they looked like a painting in a museum. Feeling her heart clench at the poignant beauty of the pair, Natalia wanted to wrap them in her arms, but uncertain Emma was ready, she held back. Instead, she rested her forehead on Olivia's shoulder and wrapped an arm around her back.
The stayed like that for a long time until finally Olivia lifted her cheek from its resting point against the top of her daughter's head. Tucking her finger under a small chin, she brought Emma's head up and noted sleepily drifting eyelids. "Natalia and I were talking about spending the tonight here, then going to her church in the morning," she explained. "Is that okay with you?" Right now wasn't the time to start issuing orders. The girl needed to feel included in any decisions.
She got a small nod in return.
"Then maybe it's time you should head for bed?" Olivia suggested and got another of the tired head. Carefully setting her daughter on her feet, Olivia noted how the child wavered gently. Poor kid had to be exhausted. She'd had a long, active day, and then some pretty intense news. "'Kay, why don't I take you on up," she suggested as she pushed to her feet.
Emma barely waited until she was standing before wrapping her arms around her mother's waist and leaning heavily against her hip. Emma was normally so independent, but when emotionally jarred, she was prone to get a little clingy and need reassurance. Olivia petted her daughter's hair lightly, then settled her hand on a narrow shoulder. She saw Natalia look up questioningly, clearly trying to decide whether or not to rise. Olivia shook her head. "I'll take care of this," she mouthed, sensing that her daughter needed a little one-on-one time.
Natalia nodded her understanding, though her eyes reflected her worries. "G'night, honey," she murmured to the child as she reached up and patted her back lightly.
"G'night," Emma responded, though her voice was small and tired sounding.
"Sleep well," Natalia said as she watched the two head back inside. Her stomach tied up in knots, she was relieved when Olivia glanced over her shoulder, and simply mouthed, "I love you."
Running a hand through her hair, Natalia pushed to her feet, eyes rolling skyward as if in search of a bit of divine inspiration. "It'll be all right," she whispered intently, then begged, "Please, God, let it be all right."
* * * * * *
TBC
Author: Pink Rabbit Productions
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia/Natalia
Part: 11
Date: 9 July, 2009
Rating: Personally, I'd call it an R, but some might consider it NC-17 at some point.
Disclaimer: The characters and situations belong to other folks far wealthier, more important (or at least with better lawyers), and hopefully more charitable and kinder than I. They include, but are not necessarily limited to CBS, Proctor and Gamble, and Telenext. The actual arrangement of words, however, remains my own as do any original characters. Meanwhile, there is likely to be all female romantic and sexual activity ahead, so if this is likely to get you, me, or anybody else arrested should you take a gander, please move along. Also, if you find that sort of thing offensive, you really probably shouldn't hang around anyplace I'm posting. Just sayin'....
Archiving: The Pink Rabbit Consortium
Spoilers: Some early scenes definitely, plus anything through the spa trip is fair game.
Timeline: Unlike some folks, I don't have an exact scene where this one takes off. However, it's definitely set after the spa trip, but before Rafe's release from the halfway house. Oh, and it's after Natalia admits she's in love with Olivia to Father Ray.
Earlier Parts: | Part 1 (Prologue) | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 |
Author's Note: Sorry this is running a bit later than planned. Weather, work, and my inability to get this scene quite right conspired against me.
Life and Breath
by Pink Rabbit Productions
Part 11
Huge, heavy raindrops splattered down on the world, the sound a steady, rattling background burr broken by the occasional crack and rumble of thunder. Overhead, the sky was pitch black until the occasional moment when sharp-edged streamers of lightning sliced from sky to ground, momentarily turning night to day.
Standing on the farmhouse front porch, Olivia stared across the surrounding landscape with a frown. Not a good night to be out driving, she thought a little uneasily, especially since the road back to town wasn't in the best of shape even in good weather. She probably should have headed back to the Beacon hours before, but the day had gone too perfectly to turn away.
Oh, not the weather. The storm had threatened all day long, hanging overhead, greying the world and occasionally dropping a few, fat spatters of raindrops on the town.
Wrapped up in Emma and Natalia and the simple joy of being a family again, Olivia couldn't have cared less so long as it didn't interfere. Which it hadn't. Or rather, when it interfered, they'd simply moved on and found something else to do where it wasn't a problem. An easy enough task, since the worst of the weather had held off until they were headed home and about a quarter of a mile from the house. Then suddenly the heavens had opened up and rain had spilled down in torrents until the world was a dim fog in the headlights and there wasn't a fast enough wiper setting to keep the windshield clear.
Already crashed in the backseat after a day that included, among other things, the park, the human Habitrail at Chuckles, and a healthy serving of ice cream at Company, Emma never noticed. And when they pulled into the farmhouse drive and Natalia fetched her out of the backseat under cover of an umbrella held by Olivia, she barely stirred, nor noted a few minutes later when Natalia settled into her bed.
That had been nearly an hour before. After chatting for a bit, Natalia had slipped off to call Rafe. She did so regularly now that he was in the halfway house and the rules about such things were much less restrictive.
Olivia had checked on Emma one more time, still a little edgy for reasons she couldn't name. But her little girl slept deeply, never stirring when Olivia petted her hair back with a gentle hand. Soothed, she'd slipped back downstairs, aware of the soft timbre of Natalia's voice as she spoke to her son over the phone, the words unintelligible, only the gentle tone coming through. Understanding the need for privacy, she'd quietly stepped onto the porch, drawn to the chaotic might of the storm as it rolled in overhead.
As she watched lightning shoot across the sky, bright fingers burning into her retinas and leaving sharply spiked after-images, she couldn't help but remember the violent tropical storms that had swept through San Cristobel in her youth. It was an oddly pleasant memory. Her father had loved their wild beauty as they'd rolled in across the coast and would sit out watching them whenever he could. More than once, she'd stayed with him, a little frightened, but feeling protected by his mere presence.
Then one day, he wasn't there any more, and she'd stopped watching the storms.
And stopped feeling safe or protected.
Strange to be standing there, so many years and miles from that time and yet feeling some of that same sense of safety and belonging in a storm. Shoving her hands in her pockets, she leaned against a porch post, careless of the few drops of rain that splashed her where she stood at the edge of the roofline. She was still standing there several minutes later when she heard the sound of a door opening and closing.
"Thanks for giving me a few minutes," Natalia said as she linked an arm in Olivia's and leaned her head against a firm shoulder. "Rafe said to say, hi," she added, her tone purposely light, though there was an undercurrent of sadness.
"How's he doing?"
Natalia shrugged. "It's hard," she said simply and leaned a little more heavily against the solid shape of Olivia's shoulder, needing the warmth and support of that simple contact. "Things are a lot better at the halfway house...but it's still not home." Sometimes it seemed like the world was crushing in on her when she thought about her son, but then Olivia would be there, holding her up, keeping her sane when it was so tempting to just lose it to the panic and fear. She peered out at the cascading rainstorm. "Doesn't look like you two are going home tonight."
"I didn't want to push," Olivia admitted, "but..." she trailed off into silence, then tensed ever so slightly as Natalia curved slender fingers around her wrist, gently tugging her hand free of a pants pocket and using the loose grip to pull her around so they were facing each other.
"Do you honestly think I'd let you and Emma go out in that?" Natalia questioned. She offered a tender smile. "Besides, I was going to ask you to stay even without the storm," she admitted a little shyly.
Olivia felt her pulse accelerate at that bit of news. "Really?" she exhaled sharply, uncertain exactly what to hope for. No, that wasn't right. She knew what to hope for. She just strongly suspected that wasn't quite what Natalia had in mind.
Natalia's head bobbed in an unsteady nod, and her gaze fell away as she studied the play of muscle across the back of Olivia's hand where it was bound to her own. "Yeah," she said very softly, her voice quavering ever so slightly with nervousness. "I was kind of hoping you and Emma would stay..." It had been so good being back together, and she wasn't ready to let go. "And that you'd come to mass with me in the morning..."
Which explained her nervousness. Olivia wasn't known for her love of all things church oriented.
"Mass?" Olivia echoed and saw Natalia nod in confirmation. "With Father Ray?" she added uncertainly.
Another nod.
"I'm not exactly his favorite person," Olivia pointed out quietly, "what with tempting his most devout parishioner off the straight and narrow and all that."
Toying gently with the hand caught in her grasp, Natalia resisted the urge to look up and see the uncertainty she knew would be reflected in green eyes. "It's not ideal...I know that," she admitted as she distracted herself from her fears by exploring the complex twining of bone and muscle between Olivia's wrist bone and knuckles, both fascinated and comforted by the strength and grace she found there. "But the church is a big part of my life...and even if I'm not quite ready to shout things out from the rooftops, I am proud of you and Emma." Tipping her head up, she peered into eyes that glittered from deeply cut shadows. "And I want you both in every part of my life."
If Natalia had spent days trying to come up with the perfect way to turn Olivia Spencer to putty, before wrapping her around a delicate finger, she couldn't have done any better. The older woman couldn't have refused a single request if her life depended on it. "Okay," she said after a beat, her tone hesitant. "If you're sure---"
"I am," Natalia whispered, knowing it wasn't easy for the other woman. It wasn't easy for her either in some ways. She knew Father Ray would disapprove and probably cast a few glares their way. But it wasn't Father Ray's house, it was God's, and Natalia had no shame holding what she felt for Olivia before God. She raised the hand caught in her own to press a soft kiss to the back of Olivia's knuckles.
Struggling to keep her head clear in the face of the shivers of awareness running riot over what seemed like every nerve ending in her body, Olivia straightened her shoulders and consciously shook off some of the haze. This was important, she reminded herself, one clash between them that wasn't likely to go away. "You do realize this isn't going to be a regular event?" she asked gently. "That I don't want Emma raised in the church?" She saw the faint tension that slid through slender shoulders, but it was something she felt had to be clarified as they moved forward.
"I know that, Olivia," Natalia admitted. "She's your daughter," she added, her tone faintly defensive, her eyes focused elsewhere, "and you have every right to-"
"She's my daughter," Olivia agreed, her voice just loud enough to override Natalia's, then added, "but in a lot of ways, she's become yours as well." She tucked a hand under Natalia's chin and brought her head up until their eyes met. "She adores you...and you've been incredibly good for her. I don't want you to think I'm not aware of that."
Natalia exhaled a breath she hadn't even been aware of holding. "Me, but not my faith?" she questioned, a little hurt by what felt like a rejection of an important part of herself.
"I have no problem with your faith," Olivia said carefully. "Father Ray and the church are another matter." She shook her head slowly, wishing she had a magic wand to make everything simple. "I disagree with too much of what they believe...but more than that, I won't have anyone teaching my daughter that love can ever be a sin..." She wanted Natalia to understand that it wasn't just her personal history with the darker side of her mother's religion or even her own lack of belief that held her back. "...that the way I feel about you could ever be a sin," she added with extra emphasis.
Blinking back the sudden threat of tears, Natalia didn't trust herself to speak past the tightness in her throat. "I would never want that," she admitted at last, the mere idea enough to make her chest compress and knot up until it was hard to breathe. Resting her palm on Olivia's chest, she felt the warmth of skin, and the gentle rhythm of her heart, the sensations soothing some of the tension away. Uncertain what else to say, she simply tipped her head forward to rest it against Olivia's shoulder.
In the background, the driving rhythm of the rain slowed a little and softened, gentling to a steady patter.
Turning her head, Olivia nosed into chestnut silk, breathing in the scent of shampoo and perfume, her lips near a delicate ear. "You gave me my life." She nuzzled warm skin, thrilling to the soft shiver that slid through the other woman. Her voice so low it barely qualified as a whisper, she tried to explain, "But more than that, you gave me back a part of myself I thought I'd lost...I won't have Emma hear that denigrated...I can't," she added, her voice threatening to crack on the last syllable.
Bringing her head up, Natalia stared at the older woman, searching the shadows for well-studied features.
As if to punctuate the moment, lightning shot across the sky, leaping from cloud to cloud rather than spearing into the ground and momentarily shooting streamers of light and color through the sky.
Both women stood frozen, caught in the reflected glow, their expressions open in a way they might not have been had they expected to lose the faint protection of darkness.
Love, want, need, longing and a thousand other emotions stood painted in colors of flesh and shadow and glittering eyes.
Then the light was gone again. A beat passed, then thunder shook the porch and rattled the nearby windows.
If Natalia had never known, if Olivia had never confessed in a cemetery on a chill winter's day, if, if, if. Even if a thousand things had conspired to keep her ignorant and in denial, she would have known in that moment. It was there, inescapable, the kind of love she'd never once known in her life; not from the parents who'd set the rules so rigidly that they'd allowed their only child to walk out of their lives and never tried to call her back; not from the boy, Gus, who'd been stolen away but never searched for her, nor the man, Gus, who might have loaned her his body and some of his loyalty, but who'd reserved his heart for Harley; not even from her son, who loved her with a child's greed, but always with the taunting sense that it might be withdrawn if she ever failed to live up to his expectations.
Only with this woman had she found not only love, but safety and acceptance. She reached out cautiously, her hand trembling ever so slightly despite her best efforts.
Still blinded by the bright flash, Olivia was startled by the feel of gentle fingertips along the line of her jaw, tracing her cheekbones, following the line of the cord that ran from behind her ear down the arch of her throat. "Natalia?" the name was whispered on the barest breath.
"Shhh." Then those fingers ghosted over Olivia's lips, silencing questions, doubts, plans, everything. It was easier without the need for words. Sometimes they just complicated things.
Heart slamming against her ribcage, feeling daring and a little frightened at the same time, Natalia let her fingers drift, exploring slowly, brailing the shape and flex, the heat, a soft pulse. Olivia was nothing more than a shadow overlaid by the ghost of the lightning flash that still played against her retinas, forcing her to feel her way as she raised her other hand and found the shape of an arm, then skated up and along the slope of a shoulder, then down again to feel the curve of Olivia's upper chest. It rose and fell, the gentle movement rough and a little unsteady.
Uncertain what to do or say, Olivia froze, simply waiting for Natalia to make her choices.
Silent. Soft. Fingers floated and played, moving almost randomly in the quest to learn this new landscape, trailing over elegant features, smooth shoulders, firm arms, then finding the first forbidden curve of full breasts. As that awareness of where her hands rested sank in, Natalia didn't so much freeze as pause, the reality of what she was doing and contemplating suddenly sweeping over her.
Natalia Rivera had never really thought about a woman's body before Olivia, had barely even thought about a man's if she was honest. Bodies were sin when she was an unquestioning child, forbidden temptation by the time the hormones were running and the boys were chasing, then an unaffordable distraction when she had a crying child and bills to pay. Even when she found Gus again, they were more a port in the storm than anything else.
Never had they been pure pleasure.
Until now.
Olivia was safety and belonging and comfort and love, but she was also lust and desire and wanton dreams overlaying a body that drew Natalia like the proverbial moth to the flame. When Natalia moved again, it was to trail the fingertips of one hand along the top curve of dreamt-of flesh, then into the deep vee before trickling lower, brushing the inner curve of full breasts, then the plane of a flat belly. Feeling a kind of freedom she'd never experienced before in her entire life, she spread her hand, feeling the heat and shape as Olivia's abdominals contracted, driving out a sharp gust of air.
A hard tremor shook Olivia from head to toe.
Natalia had studied Olivia for months, watching under the cover of bangs and lashes, peering when the other woman wouldn't notice, at first telling herself it was just the need to understand her new roommate, then later, knowing she wanted in ways she had no business doing. She'd even initiated hugs, desperate to memorize to the weight and feel of perfect curves pressed against her own. None of it had prepared her for the independent contrast of strength and softness.
As the tender explorations continued, Olivia groaned low in her throat, her body on fire, a few key parts downright molten. She wanted to grab, move things along, take the lead, but understood without being told that the rules were different tonight. The night before had been her kind of seduction, all wicked sexuality and mind-bending tease. Tonight it was Natalia's turn. Time for Olivia to follow wherever Natalia chose to lead.
Instinctively sensing Olivia's acquiescence, Natalia stepped closer, a delicate thrill of power sliding through her. The hand spread against Olivia's midriff slipped sideways, fingers gliding along the sleek S curve that flowed from waist into hip and thigh, then tightening in a gesture of raw possession, pressing and holding on tight. At the same time, the hand still resting lightly on the taller woman's upper chest slid up and back, brushing past her shoulder and along the slope of her back where it curved into the nape of her neck. Then fine-boned fingers ducked under the fall of her hair, shaping to the back of her neck.
Green eyes slid closed as Olivia's breath came in shallow, uneven pants. She felt the shift of the boards beneath her feet as Natalia stepped closer still, then warm curves shaped to her own and the hand on her neck tightened, tugging her forward and down.
The first brush of velvet lips was as soft as a butterfly's wing fluttering against her skin and moving in much the same way, outlining the shape of her mouth, inviting lips to part, learning the shape and contour. It wasn't so much one kiss as a hundred that never quite began or ended, but simply melded from one to the next.
Olivia's eyes rolled and a hand snapped back, clutching at the post behind her in a valiant attempt to remain standing. Her heart was pounding a rhumba beat in her chest while arousal ran thick and heavy in her veins and sensation compressed and spun tighter at the base of her belly.
Natalia owned her: heart, mind, body, and somewhat battered soul.
As if to prove that point, the hand at her waist moved on, wrapping on around her body, fingers and palm spreading, shaping to fit smooth curves as they reached the small of her back, then pressing firmly, molding their bodies more firmly together.
The thought went through Olivia's head that they fit together perfectly, each curve counterbalancing another and making way for the next like a perfectly planned yin and yang symbol.
Then Natalia's mouth opened against her own and thought was no longer an option.
Natalia drank in Olivia's sharp breath, devouring the taste of her as she sampled the contrasting textures of sharp teeth, rough tongue, velvet inner cheek. She heard Olivia moan, felt her melt and sink against the post at her back, then welcome the further press of aroused bodies. In that moment, she understood that any taste of sexual power she'd had before had been small and inconsequential. That she could make this woman tremble and turn malleable both thrilled and amazed her.
Little Natalia Rivera didn't do things like that. And she certainly didn't have it in her to fit her fingers to the line of a smooth jaw and guide another woman's head this way and that, adjusting angles for the best effect as her lips alternately teased and laid claim.
No, Natalia Rivera wasn't one to do that.
Yet there she was. Doing exactly that.
And Olivia was right there with her.
Her breathing ragged, body trembling so hard she would have gone down if not for her desperate grip on the post at her back, Olivia slanted her head under Natalia's guidance, surrendering her mouth and body to the other woman's touch and kisses.
Utterly undone.
The storm overhead was forgotten, no longer a threat or distraction, it had become a blanket of protection, blocking out the lights and noises from the road and the house.
Besides, it was a minor tick in the weather compared with the storm flaring between them.
Natalia had no plan beyond the next kiss and the kiss after that and the feel of the body pressed against her own and the ache throbbing and pulsing in-
"What are you doing?" the unexpected, hesitantly asked question shook both adults more violently than the loudest thunder crack, knocking mouths apart and throwing hands to their sides, leaving them breathing hard in sheer terror.
"Tell me that isn't Emma," Natalia begged almost inaudibly.
Without answering, Olivia tipped her head to the side just enough to peer past Natalia's shoulder at the small figure standing just outside the farmhouse door. "Emma," the older woman breathed as she struggled to shift gears and kick start her brain.
"Mom?" the child questioned uncertainly, delicate features drawing into a frown of confusion as she stared up at her mother and the woman who had become like a second mother. She'd fully expected to find them tied up in each other when she'd woken and gone hunting-that was normal, they could talk and argue all night-but not like this, arms, mouths, and bodies entwined like the characters in movies Jane wasn't supposed to let her watch.
Emma didn't know quite what to think.
Olivia could see Natalia's panic even in near-total darkness. It was there in the faint glitter of her eyes and quake of her shadowed form. Reaching up, she settled a hand on her shoulder, refusing to drop it away when Natalia dipped her shoulder as if to shake it off. They needed to be together for this. Marshaling herself, grateful for the adrenaline rush that helped clear away the passion-induced cobwebs, Olivia stepped to one side, noting as she moved that her back and one arm were damp from the blowing rain. Lost in the moment, she hadn't noticed, but the slight chill added another measure of mental clarity, the little bit of physical discomfort helping wash away some of the physical pleasure of moments before.
"Mom?" Emma said again, not sure what to ask or how, but absolutely certain there were questions needed under the circumstances.
"What do you think we were doing, jellybean?" Olivia asked when she finally spoke, not knowing where to start or how to answer and hoping Emma would give her a clue what to say next.
"It looked like you were kissing," her daughter said, still using that hesitant, uncertain tone.
Which meant there was no hiding from this. Emma wasn't stupid. Besides, in raising her daughter, Olivia had followed one absolute rule: never lie. She might not have told her everything, certainly she'd avoided some discussions, but she never lied to Emma. Now wasn't the time to start. She felt Natalia tense and looked over, meeting her gaze for a brief second before turning her attention back to Emma. "We were," she said at last. They'd intended on telling the girl soon anyway. Okay, so this wasn't how they'd planned it, but then life seldom went according to plan in Olivia's experience.
Emma blinked, absorbing her mother's answer. Natalia was still facing away and she quietly said her name, "Natalia," willing her to turn around, fearing the woman was angry at her, though she didn't quite know why. "Are you mad at me?"
"No, honey," Natalia assured the girl as she spun to face her, her eyes scared, but unable to bear the idea of Emma thinking she'd done something wrong. She struggled for words, her mouth suddenly dry. "Just scared that maybe you'll be mad at me," she admitted in a rush.
A brief head shake, but Emma didn't otherwise respond, just stood there silently, her gaze swinging back and forth between the two adults, brows drawn into a hint of a frown, clearly confused. A small hand rose, gesturing to both of them. "You aren't just BFFs, are you?" she questioned at last, her voice small and uncertain.
Olivia swallowed hard. "No."
The small hand remained poised in mid air. Her gaze swung to touch on Natalia. "This is why you didn't marry Uncle Frank, isn't it?" she asked carefully, her tone slow and measured, as though she was working a particularly tricky jigsaw puzzle and testing each piece to make sure it was in the right spot.
Natalia cast a faintly panicked gaze Olivia's way and received a faint nod of confirmation in return.
"Yes," Natalia said, barely covering a wince as the single word escaped her lips.
The child's eye dropped and she fell silent. Processing this new information. Finally, she looked up again, directing that serious, intent gaze at her mother this time. "You used to kiss Bill like that," she noted in that same, soft, struggling-to-understand voice. "Do you love Natalia like you used to Daddy and Bill?" she asked a beat later.
Olivia didn't pause, but also didn't rush. "Yes," she said, her response measured and serious, "I do."
"Does this mean you're gay?"
Olivia supposed she should have expected the question. After all, in a day and age when the argument over such things was likely to be a topic during elections, supreme court nominations, the daily news, not to mention the subject of music and art and movies, it was unreal to expect that somehow her child would be unaware.
"Do you know what that means?" she asked after some consideration. Kids' definitions and adults' didn't always mesh. Best to lay some semantic ground rules.
"I think so," Emma said, the words coming slowly and carefully. "Danny said his older brother is gay...and when he came home from college, he brought a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend. Danny said they kissed and stuff and his parents were upset, but that he was really nice...and really good at Mario Kart on the Wii."
Score one for our side, Olivia thought with some irony even as she wondered when exactly it had become her side rather than just an abstract civil rights issue. Natalia shifted from foot to foot next to her. Oh, right. "It's a little more complicated than that...but basically that's the idea," she explained after a moment. "People use it to refer to a man who falls in love with a man or a woman who falls in love with another woman."
"So are you?" Emma questioned.
So much for any hope of dodging that particular bullet.
Never lie, Olivia reminded herself, repeating the words like a mantra when it felt like a sudden earthquake would be a welcome relief from the discomfort. She slid to her knees in front of her daughter, putting them more on level and buying her a moment of extra time. "I don't know," she admitted at last. She hadn't really thought of it in those terms. She was still just Olivia. Who had loved Richard and Josh and Phillip and a few more besides, and who now loved Natalia. She wasn't a cause or a statement. She was just a woman in love. "I know that I love Natalia...but I also loved your father...Buzz...Bill..." Okay, let's not go through the entire list, some part of her mind suggested helpfully, she needs to get to bed before dawn and sending Natalia screaming into the night won't help either. "It's complicated."
The child's gaze touched on Natalia, who shrugged a little helplessly. "I don't have any brilliant answers either, sweetie," she admitted breathlessly, then flashed a quick glance at the woman kneeling in front of her and felt some of the nervousness fade as Olivia looked back. "Except that I love your mom," she whispered, unable to hold back the truth.
Peering at the floor beneath her feet, Emma absorbed that information. A deep frown etched a line between her brows. "Were you..." she trailed off, not quite knowing how to express the question as it flitted through her mind. This was all complex in a way she hadn't quite worked out. From what Danny had said about the fight at his house, she had a vague idea of how it worked, but it was pretty unformed. "When we lived at the farmhouse before," she tried again as she tipped her head back up to peer at her mother, "were you..." the small hand gestured between them, "...like this?"
A quick look flashed between the adults, then Olivia drew a deep breath as she tried to find a way to explain that confusing time in a way a child could understand. "Not at first...we were just friends...but as time went by...." Relief swept through her as a fine-boned hand settled on her shoulder, then Natalia crouched down beside her.
"We fell in love," Natalia explained when Olivia seemed to run out of words. She paused as she shared a look with Olivia, then reached up to brush rain damp hair back from her cheek before settling her hand back on the other woman's shoulder. "And I realized there was no one else in the world that I could spend my life with."
"But you agreed to marry Frank," Emma pointed out, still not understanding that particular bit of history when she'd seen for herself that Natalia didn't love him.
"And I shouldn't have," Natalia responded almost instantly, then fell silent for a beat. "I made a mistake because I...I was afraid..." She felt Olivia tense and brushed her hair again, drawing her attention. "And I shouldn't have been," she added as much for the mother's benefit as the child's.
"Why were you afraid?" the girl asked, worry clouding her voice. "Did Uncle Frank do something-" She'd seen the almost desperate look in his eyes sometimes when he looked at Natalia.
"No," Natalia assured the child, then paused, uncertain what to explain or just how much Olivia wanted her daughter to hear on the subject of societal or religious opinions of homosexuality. "He didn't...he wouldn't."
Emma wasn't so sure about that, but she didn't argue. "Then why?"
"Remember how you said Danny's parents were mad when his brother brought home a boyfriend?" Olivia broke in, sparing Natalia the need to answer that question too directly. Hopefully, if they tag-teamed it, they might just get out alive.
Emma nodded.
"Well," Olivia continued as she searched for the right way to explain things in a way Emma could understand without introducing any unnecessary new doubts, "some people think being gay is wrong...and they can be mean. And sometimes it's kinda scary to face that."
"Is it wrong?" the child asked, cutting straight to the chase.
Olivia shook her head, her gaze steady. "I've never believed it was," she answered firmly. "I don't believe it can be wrong to sincerely love someone."
Emma seemed to accept that because she turned her gaze toward Natalia.
Natalia flinched ever so slightly as she was subjected to a long, piercing look, leaving her with a sense of being weighed and measured by the child that was somewhat disconcerting. "Are you still scared?" Emma finally asked her.
It was so tempting to deny the fear, but Natalia was comfortably certain the girl would see through that ploy. "Sometimes," she admitted, her voice thick with emotion. "But then I look at your mom and the fear just kind of melts away...because I know that her opinion matters to me much more than anyone who would think I wasn't a good person because I love her."
Unbelievably touched by the quietly spoken words, Olivia reached up, finding the hand at her shoulder and linking their fingers together.
That answer seemed to satisfy Emma because some of the tension drained out of narrow shoulders. Then suddenly she stiffened again. "Is that why you didn't tell me before?" the child questioned, sounding a little hurt by the thought. "Did you think that I'd be like that...that I'd think it was wrong?"
"No, Em," her mother assured her instantly. A tender smile curved her mouth as she reached out, smoothing fine hair back. "We were still figuring things out for ourselves...and we weren't really sure what we were doing, or where it was going at first. But I know you, bean...and I know you wouldn't judge someone for who they loved." She hadn't raised her child to be that way, and she was incredibly proud that Emma had been insulted by the thought that anyone would think that of her.
"But you were gonna tell me?" the girl asked after a beat, sounding a little insecure and hurt at being left out.
"Of course we were," Olivia assured her daughter. She looked over at Natalia and felt the love she saw in brown eyes sweep through her. "We're a family," she said when she spoke again, "and that means you're a part of this...and it affects you too."
Emma accepted that answer with a thoughtful look. "Are we gonna move back to the farmhouse?"
Wishing she had a firm answer, Olivia could only look over Natalia, her own wishes in her eyes. "I hope so," she admitted breathlessly.
"I do too," Natalia said, meeting Olivia's steady look with one of her own, wanting to reassure the other woman that she understood the seriousness of what was happening.
Again, Emma was silent for a long moment, running through it all in her head as she tried take it all in and assemble the pieces together in a way that made sense. "If we move back in," she asked at last, "will you sleep in the same room?" That, as she understood it, had been one of the major fights in Danny's house and was apparently central to the whole issue.
The adults shared another look. Talk about unexpected questions.
Finally Olivia turned her gaze back to her daughter and blew out a soft, breath in an effort to release a little tension. Never lie to your daughter, she reminded herself. "Yes," she answered honestly, "we will." Hopefully, they wouldn't have to go into a full discussion of the birds and the bees now. She wasn't really feeling up for it.
"Okay," the girl said softly, then fell silent, her expression unreadable.
"Is there anything else you want to ask?" Olivia questioned gently as she caught small hands in her own and tugged her daughter a little closer.
"Not right now," Emma responded, the words coming slowly. She had a lot to think about. "Maybe later."
"All right," Olivia murmured, determined not to push. "Are you okay with this?" she asked after a beat, uncertain quite how to read her daughter's mood.
Natalia felt her pulse accelerate as they waited for Emma's answer, some part of her scared to death the girl would totally reject the idea.
"I think so," Emma said at last. She looked back and forth between the two women, still struggling to piece it all together in her head. She knew she didn't wanna be like Danny's parents, but there was a lot to take in. Finally, her gaze went back to her mother, silently seeking reassurance.
Olivia reached out, cupping one hand along the side of her daughter's face, the gesture infinitely tender. "You know we both love you very much, right?"
A small chin bobbed slowly in confirmation. "I just need to think about it a little," Emma admitted.
"That's okay," Olivia assured the child. "Whatever you need." She offered a watery smile. "And anytime you're ready, you can ask us any questions...or say anything you want."
"Okay." Emma nodded her understanding.
"Can I get a hug?"
Natalia could hear Olivia's trepidation in the quiet question and suspected Emma could as well because the little girl nodded, then reached out. Wrapping skinny arms around her mother's neck, she buried her face in her shoulder and sank into the protection of her body, while Olivia enfolded her arms around her daughter and snuggled her close.
Dimly illuminated by the lights from the house, the color a soft, candle-glow shade of amber that glossed silken hair and warmed velvet flesh, they looked like a painting in a museum. Feeling her heart clench at the poignant beauty of the pair, Natalia wanted to wrap them in her arms, but uncertain Emma was ready, she held back. Instead, she rested her forehead on Olivia's shoulder and wrapped an arm around her back.
The stayed like that for a long time until finally Olivia lifted her cheek from its resting point against the top of her daughter's head. Tucking her finger under a small chin, she brought Emma's head up and noted sleepily drifting eyelids. "Natalia and I were talking about spending the tonight here, then going to her church in the morning," she explained. "Is that okay with you?" Right now wasn't the time to start issuing orders. The girl needed to feel included in any decisions.
She got a small nod in return.
"Then maybe it's time you should head for bed?" Olivia suggested and got another of the tired head. Carefully setting her daughter on her feet, Olivia noted how the child wavered gently. Poor kid had to be exhausted. She'd had a long, active day, and then some pretty intense news. "'Kay, why don't I take you on up," she suggested as she pushed to her feet.
Emma barely waited until she was standing before wrapping her arms around her mother's waist and leaning heavily against her hip. Emma was normally so independent, but when emotionally jarred, she was prone to get a little clingy and need reassurance. Olivia petted her daughter's hair lightly, then settled her hand on a narrow shoulder. She saw Natalia look up questioningly, clearly trying to decide whether or not to rise. Olivia shook her head. "I'll take care of this," she mouthed, sensing that her daughter needed a little one-on-one time.
Natalia nodded her understanding, though her eyes reflected her worries. "G'night, honey," she murmured to the child as she reached up and patted her back lightly.
"G'night," Emma responded, though her voice was small and tired sounding.
"Sleep well," Natalia said as she watched the two head back inside. Her stomach tied up in knots, she was relieved when Olivia glanced over her shoulder, and simply mouthed, "I love you."
Running a hand through her hair, Natalia pushed to her feet, eyes rolling skyward as if in search of a bit of divine inspiration. "It'll be all right," she whispered intently, then begged, "Please, God, let it be all right."
* * * * * *
TBC