The things you can't undo
You can't unwatch a bad movie, unsee a disturbing picture, unhear frightening sounds. You can't unlearn information of an enlightening nature. You can't undo what was done in the past.
I wouldn't trade my experience for the world at this point. I know so much more now than I did at the start. It's just the goddam memories that come with that experience are bugging me. My therapist says I'm overthinking things. She seems surprised that I haven't been able to let this stuff go, but it's not like I'm bringing it up on purpose.
I suppose part of the problem is that playing Warcraft reminds me of when I played Warcraft with Chris, which reminds me of when I was dating Chris. Doesn't matter what race I'm playing so much, or what class. I'm having so much more fun with it now that I'm on my own that I end up comparing it to how much it turned out sucking when I played with him. But besides that, I wouldn't be getting along in the game nearly as well if he hadn't been there to tell me which keys did what and so on. Which means that I owe him a debt of gratitude.
Kinda like how I wouldn't have gotten to go all those interesting places and meet all those interesting and sometimes important people if I hadn'tve been with Sager.
And, to quote my beloved Hedwig, I took the good stuff and ran.
Because emotions and relationships are all so goddam complicated, you know? It's easier to forget who taught me what I know and be angry at the people who taught it to me than it is to live with the fact that maybe I do still care (whether it's fucked up to do so or not) and that it wasn't all that bad was it.
What complicates this even further is that parts of me shifted each time to accomodate my partner, and who they were really was wonderful for a while. Sometimes this was brainwashing so that not-so-nice things were "wonderful", but there really were good traits about the guys I was with. It's just that once I get out and get my whole self back to what I know it to be on my own suddenly all of those traits either disappear or become repulsive.
And yeah, this is the kind of stuff that a lot of people go through after breakups. I know I'm not special. Except that I haven't let it go yet and it sneaks up on me unawares and makes me sad and angry and hurt. So I asked myself some introspective questions whilst in the bath yesterday to find out exactly what I was getting out of this pity party and what came to me first is that this is how I try to distance myself from what I consider to be a bad and embarassing decision. Makes sense.
What came to me second surprised me. Apparently I have a hard time letting go of the feeling of being wronged because if I do then they win. And I have to win because I'm the good guy. Well hell, it is my story and I am the protagonist. And not that "anti-hero" sort of protagonist either. Although I suppose when it comes down to it I've seen my life story for so long as a winsome, misunderstood girl thrown against the ugliness of life hoping someone would come along and help her. Which is why I get all bitter and assert my independence a lot you know. Which means that the other half of my life story is the tough, embittered girl who's seen it all and hardened herself to life just to make it through.
So when I was with these guys I was the damsel in distress and they were supposed to be my hero (only I never fully trusted that, but that's another issue I've dealt with for now), and then when I'm single I'm this tough cookie who's wise to everything and knows all the angles. Supposedly.
Aaaand if I let these guys win then it translates to me that it was my fault for letting it happen because I was supposed to know better, plus I get the added bonus of being the tragic heroine put upon by life's harsh reality. Score! It all fits together so perfectly! Neuroses FTW! Ha ha.
I need another way to untie the goddam Gordian knots in my head, because what I've been doing so far hasn't been working. Which means, I suppose, that I need to let go of winning and losing and be okay with the fact that I played the game. Sure Sager was an ass (and may still be) and Chris was...well...Chris. People are who they are, and I can live with that. It's not about them at this point, it's about who I think I am and my own attempts to save face in front of myself. Who else really cares what I did? And is it any of their business anyway? And why do I need to strongly hold myself accountable beyond all reason for honest mistakes?
And even then they weren't mistakes at the start. There really were reasons why I cared about these people and why I told them that I loved them, and not all of those reasons were bad. Not even bad necessarily, just misguided. Even so, unhealthy or not they exist and they're done and gone and over with. I really don't need to have the past define me as a person, I am who I am regardless. So maybe that's what I'll focus on.
Pfeh. And my therapist said I should write stories about these relationships and finish them with a "the end". I think I've tried to do that a couple of times already.
I wouldn't trade my experience for the world at this point. I know so much more now than I did at the start. It's just the goddam memories that come with that experience are bugging me. My therapist says I'm overthinking things. She seems surprised that I haven't been able to let this stuff go, but it's not like I'm bringing it up on purpose.
I suppose part of the problem is that playing Warcraft reminds me of when I played Warcraft with Chris, which reminds me of when I was dating Chris. Doesn't matter what race I'm playing so much, or what class. I'm having so much more fun with it now that I'm on my own that I end up comparing it to how much it turned out sucking when I played with him. But besides that, I wouldn't be getting along in the game nearly as well if he hadn't been there to tell me which keys did what and so on. Which means that I owe him a debt of gratitude.
Kinda like how I wouldn't have gotten to go all those interesting places and meet all those interesting and sometimes important people if I hadn'tve been with Sager.
And, to quote my beloved Hedwig, I took the good stuff and ran.
Because emotions and relationships are all so goddam complicated, you know? It's easier to forget who taught me what I know and be angry at the people who taught it to me than it is to live with the fact that maybe I do still care (whether it's fucked up to do so or not) and that it wasn't all that bad was it.
What complicates this even further is that parts of me shifted each time to accomodate my partner, and who they were really was wonderful for a while. Sometimes this was brainwashing so that not-so-nice things were "wonderful", but there really were good traits about the guys I was with. It's just that once I get out and get my whole self back to what I know it to be on my own suddenly all of those traits either disappear or become repulsive.
And yeah, this is the kind of stuff that a lot of people go through after breakups. I know I'm not special. Except that I haven't let it go yet and it sneaks up on me unawares and makes me sad and angry and hurt. So I asked myself some introspective questions whilst in the bath yesterday to find out exactly what I was getting out of this pity party and what came to me first is that this is how I try to distance myself from what I consider to be a bad and embarassing decision. Makes sense.
What came to me second surprised me. Apparently I have a hard time letting go of the feeling of being wronged because if I do then they win. And I have to win because I'm the good guy. Well hell, it is my story and I am the protagonist. And not that "anti-hero" sort of protagonist either. Although I suppose when it comes down to it I've seen my life story for so long as a winsome, misunderstood girl thrown against the ugliness of life hoping someone would come along and help her. Which is why I get all bitter and assert my independence a lot you know. Which means that the other half of my life story is the tough, embittered girl who's seen it all and hardened herself to life just to make it through.
So when I was with these guys I was the damsel in distress and they were supposed to be my hero (only I never fully trusted that, but that's another issue I've dealt with for now), and then when I'm single I'm this tough cookie who's wise to everything and knows all the angles. Supposedly.
Aaaand if I let these guys win then it translates to me that it was my fault for letting it happen because I was supposed to know better, plus I get the added bonus of being the tragic heroine put upon by life's harsh reality. Score! It all fits together so perfectly! Neuroses FTW! Ha ha.
I need another way to untie the goddam Gordian knots in my head, because what I've been doing so far hasn't been working. Which means, I suppose, that I need to let go of winning and losing and be okay with the fact that I played the game. Sure Sager was an ass (and may still be) and Chris was...well...Chris. People are who they are, and I can live with that. It's not about them at this point, it's about who I think I am and my own attempts to save face in front of myself. Who else really cares what I did? And is it any of their business anyway? And why do I need to strongly hold myself accountable beyond all reason for honest mistakes?
And even then they weren't mistakes at the start. There really were reasons why I cared about these people and why I told them that I loved them, and not all of those reasons were bad. Not even bad necessarily, just misguided. Even so, unhealthy or not they exist and they're done and gone and over with. I really don't need to have the past define me as a person, I am who I am regardless. So maybe that's what I'll focus on.
Pfeh. And my therapist said I should write stories about these relationships and finish them with a "the end". I think I've tried to do that a couple of times already.