I was never exactly sociable and I always felt like I was on the edge of things, barely tolerated. I still have this strong tendency to start building a theory of being disliked on a bunch of little unrelated cues, and start operating on it - though I've finally learnt that when I start to do that, I need to actually ask if someone I think has started to dislike me does. And the answer's always been "no".
Looking back, there were a hell of a lot of offers extended that I didn't pick up on because I was busy running down paranoid, depressive alleys. I would say that most of my entire almost-decade in LA was me keeping myself isolated from fear/brokeness/paranoia - and of course the gender stuff wasn't helping on that count either. I've been pretty isolated out in Boston, too; I don't have much social circle I've picked up myself - I've kind of rejected some offers to have that, as a matter of fact
( ... )
There's an ear here if it'd be of use to you sometime, and for what it's worth, I certainly don't resent your presence. Hell, I'd be glad for more of it, both meatspace and digitally, if the notion holds any appeal.
The feelings you express here are pretty familiar. Isolation, being on the outside looking in...yeah, those hit pretty close to home. Even when folks do reach out to me, sometimes I miss it altogether because it's so hard to imagine anyone taking a positive interest in me; when I do pick up on it, sometimes it can still be frustrating and depressing when I feel like I'm failing to connect, like my human-interaction gears are so ground down and miscalibrated that they can't possibly mesh with those of functional people anymore. So...yeah, you're coming in loud and clear. :, *hug*
Anyway, I like you, and if there's anything I can do, hey.
Comments 20
Been there.
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I was never exactly sociable and I always felt like I was on the edge of things, barely tolerated. I still have this strong tendency to start building a theory of being disliked on a bunch of little unrelated cues, and start operating on it - though I've finally learnt that when I start to do that, I need to actually ask if someone I think has started to dislike me does. And the answer's always been "no".
Looking back, there were a hell of a lot of offers extended that I didn't pick up on because I was busy running down paranoid, depressive alleys. I would say that most of my entire almost-decade in LA was me keeping myself isolated from fear/brokeness/paranoia - and of course the gender stuff wasn't helping on that count either. I've been pretty isolated out in Boston, too; I don't have much social circle I've picked up myself - I've kind of rejected some offers to have that, as a matter of fact ( ... )
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Things will get better. Hang in there...
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There's an ear here if it'd be of use to you sometime, and for what it's worth, I certainly don't resent your presence. Hell, I'd be glad for more of it, both meatspace and digitally, if the notion holds any appeal.
The feelings you express here are pretty familiar. Isolation, being on the outside looking in...yeah, those hit pretty close to home. Even when folks do reach out to me, sometimes I miss it altogether because it's so hard to imagine anyone taking a positive interest in me; when I do pick up on it, sometimes it can still be frustrating and depressing when I feel like I'm failing to connect, like my human-interaction gears are so ground down and miscalibrated that they can't possibly mesh with those of functional people anymore. So...yeah, you're coming in loud and clear. :, *hug*
Anyway, I like you, and if there's anything I can do, hey.
Reply
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