NEW FIC: How Quick the Sun Can Drop Away
title How Quick the Sun Can Drop Away
author patientalien
rating PG
summary Obi-Wan talks Anakin through the fallout of Ahsoka's decision, or tries to.
notes Super mega-big spoilers for the Clone Wars Season 5 finale. Title and cut-text from "Black" by Pearl Jam
When Obi-Wan returns to the apartment, he is unprepared for what he finds. No wildly flailing arms or righteous condemnation of the Council, no overwhelming anger or crippling grief - not yet. Instead, he finds Anakin sitting subdued on the sofa, forearms resting on his knees, reading a datapad, of all things.
Obi-Wan notices Anakin has Ahsoka's Padawan chain wrapped tightly in his fist. He notices the dark circles under his friend's eyes, making him look much as he had on Mortis, under the Dark Side's sway. The similarity is haunting and Obi-Wan has to force himself not to look away. "It's not your fault, you know," he says softly, depositing his robe over the back of his chair and moving to stand beside Anakin, arms crossed over his chest.
"Yeah," Anakin replies hoarsely, tossing the datapad aside and looking up at Obi-Wan. "How can I not feel like it is?" he challenges.
Obi-Wan runs a hand over his beard - Force give me strength. Anakin feels everything so keenly, takes everything so personally and although he is calm now, Obi-Wan finds himself afraid of what the fallout could be if he doesn't stem the tide of emotion - or at the very least, redirect it to something constructive. "She's not the first Padawan to leave," Obi-Wan points out. "Do you blame Master Siri for Ferus leaving?" he asks.
"Of course not," Anakin snaps, "that was different! The Council - " he cuts himself off sharply. "It was different."
"And," Obi-Wan ventures, bracing himself the the response, "do you blame Luminara for the path Barriss went down?" Anakin and Barriss were age-mates, had gone on missions together as Padawans and had, Obi-Wan always assumed, counted one another as friends. Their paths diverged after Anakin's Knighting, a move that, Obi-Wan realizes with a cold ache in his gut, was the direct result of the Order becoming more militarized and needing Anakin in the rank of Jedi General, more than his readiness to be a Jedi Knight. A move that was an uncomfortable reflection of the very acts Barriss had protested against.
Anakin's face hardens, his mouth thins into a cruel scowl. "Not really, but how can you not see when your student is... is..." He stammers over the last because it has not yet been made clear if Barriss has truly turned to the Dark Side.
Obi-Wan's hand finds his beard again, his other arm wrapped around his torso. "Sometimes it is easy to overlook what you do not wish to see," he says carefully, oh-so-carefully.
Anakin's scowl deepens and he stands, spring-shot, from the sofa. "She murdered innocent people," he snarls. "She lied to us all and she betrayed her best friend."
Something deep in Obi-Wan's chest constricts. "It was a convincing act," he responds. "Anakin, if it truly had been Ahsoka - would you have seen her for who she was, easily?" The very compassion that made his friend such a good man did, after all, sometimes lead to blindness.
"I never believed she was guilty," Anakin admits. "I don't think I could have, even if the evidence was stronger. She..." He cuts himself off again - censoring himself, Obi-Wan realizes.
"What, Anakin?"
Anakin looks up at him, eyes smoldering. "I know the Council's waiting for me to crack," he says, almost casual. "They said that this was Ahsoka's Trial of the Spirit - what a kriffing joke. How can I trust they're not considering this a sick test for me too?" Because Anakin never had completed his Trial of the Spirit, because some on the Council believed he would never pass such a test. It is then Obi-Wan realizes what Anakin is doing.
"I am not here as a representative of the Council," he says, laying a hand on Anakin's shoulder. "I am here as your friend." He quirks an eyebrow. "Also, I live here."
Anakin bites out a chuckle and shakes his head. "She was always a better Jedi than me," he finishes finally.
Obi-Wan feels himself softening. So insecure, despite his arrogance. "You trained her very well." And he had - everything good that was Anakin Skywalker had been passed to his apprentice; he had surprised Obi-Wan by how well he took to the role, especially given his initial protestations. Despite his unorthodox teaching style, Ahsoka had flourished under his instruction and Obi-Wan believes it was partially due to the personal strength Anakin's teachings had given her that she was able to make the decision she had with all of the grace of a true Jedi.
Anakin's expression suddenly darkens and he turns away. "Maybe not," he replies, shoulders slumping. "Ventress said... Well, she said she and Ahsoka had a lot in common. That I'd abandoned her like Dooku abandoned Ventress."
Obi-Wan takes a step towards him. "She is still trying to find her place in the Universe," he offers. "You did not abandon Ahsoka." In fact, Anakin had pursued justice for Ahsoka with the same dogged persistence he had for everything he believed strongly about.
"I just. I thought..." Anakin shakes his head. "I don't know. Everything's so..." He closes his eyes, raises a clenched fist, Ahsoka's chain dangling from his hand. When he opens his eyes again, they are pleading. "What do I do, Master?"
Obi-Wan knows worn Jedi platitudes will not help. He knows that Anakin needs something more tangible, less dismissive. Obi-Wan is not good at that sort of thing, not naturally, but he has learned. For more than a decade, he has learned because Anakin has taught him. "It's going to hurt," Obi-Wan says. "Let it hurt, but don't let the hurt control you." Easier said than done, he knows, especially for Anakin. "Take solace in the fact that she will be fine because of the lessons you have given her." That much is true; Ahsoka will have no trouble taking care of herself. He grabs Anakin's shoulders, faces him head-on. "You were a good teacher, Anakin. A good man. You should be proud."
"I lost her. How can I be proud of that? I practically pushed her out the door! I let the Council control me! I could have helped her earlier and this never would have happened!" He pulls away violently, throws the chain across the room.
"If you had gone against the Council, it only would have made you both look guilty," Obi-Wan points out.
"I don't kriffing care!" Anakin bellows. "I would have been able to help her sooner! She wouldn't have left! She wouldn't feel like I abandoned her!" He is stretched thin in the Force, wavering and uncertain, full of righteous fury.
"But that is not what happened so now you will simply have to deal with what did," Obi-Wan retorts. It is not perhaps the most sensitive way of putting it, but when Anakin is in this kind of mood, sometimes a proverbial kick in the gut is needed to get him to slow down enough to find balance again.
"Easy for you to say." Anakin's voice is low and warning. "This didn't happen to you. This isn't your Padawan leaving. This isn't the Council holding up its hands and asking you to forget the part they played."
Obi-Wan bows his head because Anakin's words have a ring of truth to them. But he knows loss, intimately. "No," he admits. "But I know how it feels."
Anakin seems to crumple into himself. "I'm sorry," he says, anger deflated and in its place the grief Obi-Wan had expected from the start. Such whiplash emotions, all so strong. "I didn't forget, I just..."
"I know." He does not want to talk about his own grief, recently scabbed-over. He knows offers of meditation would not be welcome, nor does Obi-Wan himself welcome the idea of sparring with a still-emotionally-charged Anakin. Instead he says, "Why don't we go get some food? I'm sure you haven't been eating properly."
To his relief, Anakin nods. This wound will be a scar carried for the rest of his life, but Obi-Wan is determined to help shoulder the burden. "Thank you, Master," Anakin says as they leave.
"I will always be here for you, Anakin," Obi-Wan replies, certain in the knowledge that, for all the pain and hardship, they will heal.
author patientalien
rating PG
summary Obi-Wan talks Anakin through the fallout of Ahsoka's decision, or tries to.
notes Super mega-big spoilers for the Clone Wars Season 5 finale. Title and cut-text from "Black" by Pearl Jam
When Obi-Wan returns to the apartment, he is unprepared for what he finds. No wildly flailing arms or righteous condemnation of the Council, no overwhelming anger or crippling grief - not yet. Instead, he finds Anakin sitting subdued on the sofa, forearms resting on his knees, reading a datapad, of all things.
Obi-Wan notices Anakin has Ahsoka's Padawan chain wrapped tightly in his fist. He notices the dark circles under his friend's eyes, making him look much as he had on Mortis, under the Dark Side's sway. The similarity is haunting and Obi-Wan has to force himself not to look away. "It's not your fault, you know," he says softly, depositing his robe over the back of his chair and moving to stand beside Anakin, arms crossed over his chest.
"Yeah," Anakin replies hoarsely, tossing the datapad aside and looking up at Obi-Wan. "How can I not feel like it is?" he challenges.
Obi-Wan runs a hand over his beard - Force give me strength. Anakin feels everything so keenly, takes everything so personally and although he is calm now, Obi-Wan finds himself afraid of what the fallout could be if he doesn't stem the tide of emotion - or at the very least, redirect it to something constructive. "She's not the first Padawan to leave," Obi-Wan points out. "Do you blame Master Siri for Ferus leaving?" he asks.
"Of course not," Anakin snaps, "that was different! The Council - " he cuts himself off sharply. "It was different."
"And," Obi-Wan ventures, bracing himself the the response, "do you blame Luminara for the path Barriss went down?" Anakin and Barriss were age-mates, had gone on missions together as Padawans and had, Obi-Wan always assumed, counted one another as friends. Their paths diverged after Anakin's Knighting, a move that, Obi-Wan realizes with a cold ache in his gut, was the direct result of the Order becoming more militarized and needing Anakin in the rank of Jedi General, more than his readiness to be a Jedi Knight. A move that was an uncomfortable reflection of the very acts Barriss had protested against.
Anakin's face hardens, his mouth thins into a cruel scowl. "Not really, but how can you not see when your student is... is..." He stammers over the last because it has not yet been made clear if Barriss has truly turned to the Dark Side.
Obi-Wan's hand finds his beard again, his other arm wrapped around his torso. "Sometimes it is easy to overlook what you do not wish to see," he says carefully, oh-so-carefully.
Anakin's scowl deepens and he stands, spring-shot, from the sofa. "She murdered innocent people," he snarls. "She lied to us all and she betrayed her best friend."
Something deep in Obi-Wan's chest constricts. "It was a convincing act," he responds. "Anakin, if it truly had been Ahsoka - would you have seen her for who she was, easily?" The very compassion that made his friend such a good man did, after all, sometimes lead to blindness.
"I never believed she was guilty," Anakin admits. "I don't think I could have, even if the evidence was stronger. She..." He cuts himself off again - censoring himself, Obi-Wan realizes.
"What, Anakin?"
Anakin looks up at him, eyes smoldering. "I know the Council's waiting for me to crack," he says, almost casual. "They said that this was Ahsoka's Trial of the Spirit - what a kriffing joke. How can I trust they're not considering this a sick test for me too?" Because Anakin never had completed his Trial of the Spirit, because some on the Council believed he would never pass such a test. It is then Obi-Wan realizes what Anakin is doing.
"I am not here as a representative of the Council," he says, laying a hand on Anakin's shoulder. "I am here as your friend." He quirks an eyebrow. "Also, I live here."
Anakin bites out a chuckle and shakes his head. "She was always a better Jedi than me," he finishes finally.
Obi-Wan feels himself softening. So insecure, despite his arrogance. "You trained her very well." And he had - everything good that was Anakin Skywalker had been passed to his apprentice; he had surprised Obi-Wan by how well he took to the role, especially given his initial protestations. Despite his unorthodox teaching style, Ahsoka had flourished under his instruction and Obi-Wan believes it was partially due to the personal strength Anakin's teachings had given her that she was able to make the decision she had with all of the grace of a true Jedi.
Anakin's expression suddenly darkens and he turns away. "Maybe not," he replies, shoulders slumping. "Ventress said... Well, she said she and Ahsoka had a lot in common. That I'd abandoned her like Dooku abandoned Ventress."
Obi-Wan takes a step towards him. "She is still trying to find her place in the Universe," he offers. "You did not abandon Ahsoka." In fact, Anakin had pursued justice for Ahsoka with the same dogged persistence he had for everything he believed strongly about.
"I just. I thought..." Anakin shakes his head. "I don't know. Everything's so..." He closes his eyes, raises a clenched fist, Ahsoka's chain dangling from his hand. When he opens his eyes again, they are pleading. "What do I do, Master?"
Obi-Wan knows worn Jedi platitudes will not help. He knows that Anakin needs something more tangible, less dismissive. Obi-Wan is not good at that sort of thing, not naturally, but he has learned. For more than a decade, he has learned because Anakin has taught him. "It's going to hurt," Obi-Wan says. "Let it hurt, but don't let the hurt control you." Easier said than done, he knows, especially for Anakin. "Take solace in the fact that she will be fine because of the lessons you have given her." That much is true; Ahsoka will have no trouble taking care of herself. He grabs Anakin's shoulders, faces him head-on. "You were a good teacher, Anakin. A good man. You should be proud."
"I lost her. How can I be proud of that? I practically pushed her out the door! I let the Council control me! I could have helped her earlier and this never would have happened!" He pulls away violently, throws the chain across the room.
"If you had gone against the Council, it only would have made you both look guilty," Obi-Wan points out.
"I don't kriffing care!" Anakin bellows. "I would have been able to help her sooner! She wouldn't have left! She wouldn't feel like I abandoned her!" He is stretched thin in the Force, wavering and uncertain, full of righteous fury.
"But that is not what happened so now you will simply have to deal with what did," Obi-Wan retorts. It is not perhaps the most sensitive way of putting it, but when Anakin is in this kind of mood, sometimes a proverbial kick in the gut is needed to get him to slow down enough to find balance again.
"Easy for you to say." Anakin's voice is low and warning. "This didn't happen to you. This isn't your Padawan leaving. This isn't the Council holding up its hands and asking you to forget the part they played."
Obi-Wan bows his head because Anakin's words have a ring of truth to them. But he knows loss, intimately. "No," he admits. "But I know how it feels."
Anakin seems to crumple into himself. "I'm sorry," he says, anger deflated and in its place the grief Obi-Wan had expected from the start. Such whiplash emotions, all so strong. "I didn't forget, I just..."
"I know." He does not want to talk about his own grief, recently scabbed-over. He knows offers of meditation would not be welcome, nor does Obi-Wan himself welcome the idea of sparring with a still-emotionally-charged Anakin. Instead he says, "Why don't we go get some food? I'm sure you haven't been eating properly."
To his relief, Anakin nods. This wound will be a scar carried for the rest of his life, but Obi-Wan is determined to help shoulder the burden. "Thank you, Master," Anakin says as they leave.
"I will always be here for you, Anakin," Obi-Wan replies, certain in the knowledge that, for all the pain and hardship, they will heal.