Comments | patriotskinhead: "I've Fallen From Grace Too Many Times.."

patriotskinhead

"I've Fallen From Grace Too Many Times.."

Oct 01, 2003 03:10

When I woke up this afternoon, I hoped yesterday was one huge dream. It wasn't and it kills me. I talked to Eryin and Caitlin over the phone. They both made me feel a little better while on the phone with them. I can't shake this feeling of self worthlessness. I still blame and hate myself. I wanted something to make me happy, but that was taken ( Read more... )

Comments 35

devinaty October 1 2003, 02:30:56 UTC

How can you sit there and say youre not strong? I want you to think about EVERYTHING we have ever talked about. EVERYTHING youve been through, and try telling me youre not strong. I refuse to buy that bullshit. You know that drinking isnt going to solve anything, and you know the outcome of it. Why are you going to drag yourself back into that hole? Im not going to sit here quietly and act like this doesnt piss me off. Ive always told you..very bluntly may I add..how I feel when you do something senseless, reguarless what pushes you to it. You ARE strong, you ARE BETTER than what you seem to see, and I believe in you.
Im sure this is going to piss you off, but this isnt me attacking you, this is me loving you.
Star

patriotskinhead October 3 2003, 01:04:27 UTC

I wish for one day I could see what you see in me and I wish one day you could see what I see in you. I've wanted to talk to you so bad. I was told to stay away from you by 238747328 people it seems. I understand. I'll have to manage. Believe me, I'm trying to be strong. If not for me, for everyone. I seriously can't help but feel like some kind of failure to you.

devinaty October 3 2003, 15:11:12 UTC

Im disappointed in some decisions youve made. Im very hurt by them. Ive never cried over a man so much in my life, and Ive never felt so fucking helpless. Ive provin my devotion and loyalty to you over and over again, and right now I feel like its all been thrown back in my face. We can talk about all this another time, and I mean talk not type. Im angry with you, but Its never once crossed my mind to think of you as a failure.
I will never take away from the man that you are. You are truly amazing, and I will ALWAYS KNOW that about you. Look at how many people you have that care for you. From what Ive seen, they all think you are pretty amazing, too. I just wish you would quit short changing yourself for once, open your eyes, and accept who you are to me, and to your friends.
I love you more than I think you realize. Ive been told by 238747328 people to let you go, walk away, let the hurt heal..but where the fuck am I still?
Star

This is me being a hypocrite yankeeskingirl October 1 2003, 02:59:15 UTC

You need to take a step back and calm the fuck down. I have had this conversation with you time and time again. You're not ignorant to that, nor it's consequences. So what are you going to do man, pull yourself out of one hole and fall back into another you're going to willingly dig for yourself? Let me fucking remind you how much goddamned fun it is. I know you're hurt, and angry, and just ready to kill anything that crosses you to vent out some of your feelings but use the brain God fucking gave you before you decide to turn to some other things, or say things to people or about them that may be negative. Don't alienate yourself, you'll only make things worse. The last I knew your edge actually MEANT something to you and the other people who cared about the fact that you made such a huge choice like that. It's not going to solve this problem by breaking it. You know that.

Re: This is me being a hypocrite patriotskinhead October 3 2003, 01:08:49 UTC

I can actually feel you yelling that at me. I know I'm not a fuckin' moron. I know exactly the consequences that I face if I continue to do what I'm doing. Sometimes I don't care about what happens, but most of the time..I'm not a schmuck. So I'm hurt and I vent and it helps me to feel a little better to get it off my chest. Just to type it out and read it helps me to realize how much of a schmuck I am. I didn't think me breaking edge was the hugest thing in the world. I know me drinking when I'm not supposed to is a huge thing. But being edge or a skinhead isn't the biggest thing in my life.

Re: This is me being a hypocrite yankeeskingirl October 3 2003, 03:29:16 UTC

I never said there was anything wrong with venting. And I guess all the bullshit you told me about being edge and wasn't true either. It's your life, do what you want with it. I don't know anything about you anymore it seems.

Re: This is me being a hypocrite patriotskinhead October 3 2003, 12:30:57 UTC

I'm not going to drink. I don't intend on going down that same path. I'm sorry if I'm snapping at you. You do know parts of me better than a lot of people..but you've never seen me in this light. It's been a long time since I've been in it.

bigger_boss October 1 2003, 06:39:30 UTC

If you need a man`es man talk I would be happy too,I dont know if I can comfort you in any way but I really hope I can My mail addy is skangster1965@msn.com

I so your post yesterday too,I m really soory about all of this,your in my heart and in my prayers man like Gaybrielle said,I dident know wot to say to you then,but after giving it more thought I still dont know,but the gods will be with you..
A broken egde is a sign of strenge couse you show your weakness witch aint a weakness but your heart bleeding,

bigger_boss October 1 2003, 10:21:33 UTC

My mother and father lost their first born just before I was born,and I know it still hounts them today and they love her just as much and they were there for each other and they still are.
But you have to be there for Nett,you need each other more than ever.You shouldent run away from it but face the sorrow,my father dident do that and he had no love for me to show for becouse he could never let his feelings let go,he got it all buildt up inside of him,instead of talking about it he just looks it up,he is not allowed to drink buy my mother couse when he does he get so angry with him self,I dont want you to do the same misstake,I think Gaybrielles Ide of getting a tattoo is a good way of showing your feelings and the expression of your hart..drinking your self out of it would be like deniing it ever happend,if you wanna call us to night or any night for that matter let us know and we can change phone numbers,you are still a great father,fathers of angels have a special place in the gods hearts.

patriotskinhead October 3 2003, 01:33:21 UTC

I'm sorry to hear about your mother and father and your sister. I know I do have to deal with it because I don't want my children later to get any bitterness I have as a result of this. The tattoo idea is a good one indeed. I'll email you later on today with my number and you guys can give me yours.

patriotskinhead October 3 2003, 01:13:43 UTC

I tried a couple of times to go guys about it, but it's just normally weird to me. Most of them are younger and don't understand fatherhood in the slightest. I thank you for offering your support to me, it really means a lot. You wouldn't happen to have AIM would you?

Thread 6

warandwelfare October 1 2003, 06:44:15 UTC

sounds to me like you need a break babes. i'm so sorry you're down. and i know that doesn't make you feel any better or anything but i figured i'd say it anyway. i really honestly think you should come out this way and hang out for a bit. a change of scenery would be good for you.

i don't know exactly what is wrong since i haven't gotten to talk to you recently... but i hope things get better and i hope i get to talk to you soon. <3

patriotskinhead October 3 2003, 01:15:28 UTC

I really wish it was that easy for me to pick up and go there for awhile. That would be nice for me to get out of here for a little bit. I can't really afford it though.

You should read my entry before this. I don't want to type it all out again. :-\

alilbitcunty October 1 2003, 07:32:41 UTC

Aaron, nobody here can really understand your pain unless they have been through it themselves. I have not, so I won't pretend to understand what you are going through. But I will try to offer advice and comfort as best I can. First, blame... nobody is to blame, things like this happen, as horrid as it is. Beating yourself up over it is doing nobody any good. Yes, by all means grieve the loss, but don't let the grief take you over. You as much as you are falling apart need to be there for Nett as well. Not that you have to be a rock, but you have to hold yourself together, you will not find the answer to anything in the bottom of a bottle, and it's not going to make you feel better, and it's not going to really take the pain away. It's still going to be there when you come back. You can't run away from it, you just need to face it, get it all out, hold on to the love you have and grow. The loss of a child will stay with you forever, but know that your child was never corrupted by this world, and is a perfect little angel that wasn't ( ... )

4q October 1 2003, 07:46:54 UTC

I couldn't say anything more then this...

Aaron, please don't blame yourself. There is nothing you could have done to change what happened. I am so sorry for your loss, and Tootz is right I could never even begin to say I understand. All I can do is offer comfort, and my ear if you need to talk

readysteadygo7@hotmail.com

please take care

patriotskinhead October 3 2003, 01:22:57 UTC

I'm trying not to blame myself, Michelle. I'm trying really hard believe me. You don't still have AIM do you?

4q October 3 2003, 07:08:42 UTC

I do still have aim but I am at work right now. drop me an email or try me tonight because I will try to be on if you need to talk

my aim is keeponrunnin16

<3

Thread 12