Oh Wow! (Notice the date of my most recent posting prior to this!)
I knew I had fallen off the wagon with posting on LiveJournal, but it’s just now that I’m realizing it’s been nearly 7 months since I posted anything. Yikes! It’s been a turbulent 7 months, but I am very hopeful that things are heading in the right direction. Even if progress is slow.
So, what’s going on with me? Let’s get the bulk of the drama out of the way first, shall we? In a nutshell, I am still not working due to my health issues. My thyroid is still super out of whack (sometimes I test hypothyroid; sometimes the blood work comes back in the normal range). And I’ve still been having issues getting decent medical care to address this, so most of my recently depressed mood has stemmed from that. But in spite of the crazy health issues/bizarre symptoms, I’ve been trying to wrap up my undergraduate degree. Actually, at the beginning of the semester, I was all set to graduate this month. I would have been able to have done it, too, if one of my professors hadn’t made a public spectacle of me in regards to my health issues, in front of a number of other students in the class. The anxiety this caused made it hard for me to spend time on campus (yeah, even worse than before), so I ultimately had to drop her class and the other class I had been missing to try to stay up to speed in her class. So that left me in two classes, which I’m *barely* going to finish up and hopefully pass in the next week. Assuming I pass both of the classes, I will end up in a situation where I only need six more credits to graduate. If my long term disability policy from when I was employed last year kicks in before the start of the Spring 2012 semester, I will put off finishing those last six credits until Fall 2012, specifically with the intention of getting my health and emotional issues under control once and for all. But if I don’t get a response prior to the start of the semester, I will register for those six credits and endeavor to finish up by May 2012 (both because I want to wrap it up already, but also because I will need to get that extra financial aid award cushion to live off of until the end of the semester in May.). Sort of a frustrating plan in that I don’t know what will be going on in my life in just a few short weeks, but under the circumstances, it makes the most sense to play it by ear.
So that being pretty much the biggest source of drama and anxiety in my life (yes, of course there are other things, but this is the most overwhelming and truthfully plenty to bombard anyone with for the time being), I am also glad to say that there are some AMAZING things going on in my life too. Long story short: Mr. Cruise and I are still going strong. Due to most of my summer classes being online classes, I was able to spend a good chunk of time with him on the east coast where he lived this past summer. In all, we spent about five weeks together - the longest stretch being for about three weeks total. Our relationship grew a lot during that time, and some things came to light with his current living and employment situation while I was out there...so fast forward to now: Mr. Cruise *RELOCATED* to come live here with me, near the west coast! WOW!!! I *NEVER* in a million years expected it to happen so quickly. Yes, we had been seeing each other for about a year, and it felt very “right” - but in our minds, one of us was not likely to physically make a move either direction until at least Spring 2012. But based on some events this summer, we realized it made sense to push things up. So literally a few days before our first dating anniversary, Mr. Cruise arrived here to stay!!! The cats and I have been beyond happy to welcome him home. And even with our minor adjustment issues (that crept up around the 5th week that he was here - keep in mind we went from a cross country long distance relationship to living together as though we are married; of course there would be some minor things that would pop up as we get settled in together!), things have been going swimmingly. Truly. And the stuff that did come up has already been worked through. We rarely disagreed over anything during this past first year together, so it was sort of to be expected that we would eventually clash over something. I think we both freaked out a bit at first merely because we had not ever fought before...but once we talked it out slowly over a couple of days, our relationship grew and became even that much better than before. Yeah, I know it sounds almost too cute to be true, but really, it’s been that way. I am just SO glad that we did learn that we can successfully disagree and even argue with one another and still keep the relationship intact. I love Mr. Cruise, and he loves me - and we are both committed to making this relationship work long-term. We find that we are both better and stronger people when we are in each other’s lives...and therefore, it makes sense that we should do what it takes to make this work. You don’t just randomly find connections out there like this. Ours is exceptionally special and close. And truthfully, our fighting was pretty minor. Many, many couples would have laughed at us and the silly issues that came up - many couples who do fight a lot would probably love to have such minor issues. But for us, it did seem like a big deal...and ultimately, I am glad it happened because now we know we can face it and still love each other the next day.
So now what? Well, I’m actually supposed to be finishing up studying for one of my big finals tomorrow in the morning. Oh, and there is a HUGE project that I’m supposed to turn in when I go to sit for the final. Um, yeah...have I started either one yet?! Um, no...but really, it’s not just me being lazy. There is A LOT of anxiety there, and I am just trying to get through tomorrow so that I can put this semester behind me. In hindsight, if I knew how much I would struggle with my health this term, I would NEVER have signed up for classes like this. I know...it made sense at the time based on the info I had, but still, it is frustrating that I set out to reach a certain goal (graduating), yet I just couldn’t pull it together and make it happen. Oh well. My intentions were good and well-meant. I just have a lot on my plate right now.
So is my life all drama? That’s a toss-up. Yes, there are more things going on, and they probably do fit totally under that category, but I like to think that it’s a positive sort of personal growth going on. Even if the growing pains are annoying, I firmly believe that there is some greater good behind everything else that is going on. Yes, I have no clue what I want to do when I do graduate (I can’t live off disability forever, both for financial reasons and the fact that I’m bored to death with having no greater purpose in my life). Yes, my family has not changed one bit (my brother really blew me off early this summer in regards to how much I was struggling and just needed family support, and my dad is having his own set of issues. With my dad, I had not even been able to tell him I’d been “medically terminated” and unable to work for these past many months...I finally had to break the news to him when he called asking for money last week. I wanted to help since he did get laid off a year ago Thanksgiving, but at the same time, I just couldn’t do it. I have no clue when I will have income again, but also I really didn’t see the couple of hundred dollars I maybe could have sent as doing any greater good beyond being a very short term temporary bandage to the bleeding). And I’m still in this strange process of shifting friendships. I lost most of my friends through my divorce. Then I realized some of my friendships were unhealthy over the summer, so I started pulling away from those folks. And even with some of the mutual friends I’ve made with Mr. Cruise, as I got to know some of these people more, I realized some of them aren’t the most desirable influences either...so here I am now with a very limited core group of friends. It’s good in the sense that I’ve weeded out the excess baggage, but it is hard in that I need my friends’ support desperately right now, yet I really don’t want to burn anyone out with all my stress. So once things *hopefully* calm down after the first of the year, I am hopeful that I can reach out and meet more people. I know there are other people who want to meet new people and develop new friendships. I just need to look around and find the best way to meet them. It’s a little hard stretching completely past my existing friendships because you have to be careful when you really don’t know someone (in that you need to make sure they are what they seem before you get too close), but I am sure that it will be worth the effort. And if I can’t readily find some groups where I can meet people, I’m truthfully thinking of starting up my own group. I can’t be the only woman in my sort of position who is looking to meet new “good” people.
But in the meantime, I think I need to suck it up and put on my big girl panties for the night. My final exam and the big project deadline are now just slightly over 11 hours away. Ack! I’d better quit journaling and get something productive done. Starting with making a strong cup of coffee...
So, what’s going on with me? Let’s get the bulk of the drama out of the way first, shall we? In a nutshell, I am still not working due to my health issues. My thyroid is still super out of whack (sometimes I test hypothyroid; sometimes the blood work comes back in the normal range). And I’ve still been having issues getting decent medical care to address this, so most of my recently depressed mood has stemmed from that. But in spite of the crazy health issues/bizarre symptoms, I’ve been trying to wrap up my undergraduate degree. Actually, at the beginning of the semester, I was all set to graduate this month. I would have been able to have done it, too, if one of my professors hadn’t made a public spectacle of me in regards to my health issues, in front of a number of other students in the class. The anxiety this caused made it hard for me to spend time on campus (yeah, even worse than before), so I ultimately had to drop her class and the other class I had been missing to try to stay up to speed in her class. So that left me in two classes, which I’m *barely* going to finish up and hopefully pass in the next week. Assuming I pass both of the classes, I will end up in a situation where I only need six more credits to graduate. If my long term disability policy from when I was employed last year kicks in before the start of the Spring 2012 semester, I will put off finishing those last six credits until Fall 2012, specifically with the intention of getting my health and emotional issues under control once and for all. But if I don’t get a response prior to the start of the semester, I will register for those six credits and endeavor to finish up by May 2012 (both because I want to wrap it up already, but also because I will need to get that extra financial aid award cushion to live off of until the end of the semester in May.). Sort of a frustrating plan in that I don’t know what will be going on in my life in just a few short weeks, but under the circumstances, it makes the most sense to play it by ear.
So that being pretty much the biggest source of drama and anxiety in my life (yes, of course there are other things, but this is the most overwhelming and truthfully plenty to bombard anyone with for the time being), I am also glad to say that there are some AMAZING things going on in my life too. Long story short: Mr. Cruise and I are still going strong. Due to most of my summer classes being online classes, I was able to spend a good chunk of time with him on the east coast where he lived this past summer. In all, we spent about five weeks together - the longest stretch being for about three weeks total. Our relationship grew a lot during that time, and some things came to light with his current living and employment situation while I was out there...so fast forward to now: Mr. Cruise *RELOCATED* to come live here with me, near the west coast! WOW!!! I *NEVER* in a million years expected it to happen so quickly. Yes, we had been seeing each other for about a year, and it felt very “right” - but in our minds, one of us was not likely to physically make a move either direction until at least Spring 2012. But based on some events this summer, we realized it made sense to push things up. So literally a few days before our first dating anniversary, Mr. Cruise arrived here to stay!!! The cats and I have been beyond happy to welcome him home. And even with our minor adjustment issues (that crept up around the 5th week that he was here - keep in mind we went from a cross country long distance relationship to living together as though we are married; of course there would be some minor things that would pop up as we get settled in together!), things have been going swimmingly. Truly. And the stuff that did come up has already been worked through. We rarely disagreed over anything during this past first year together, so it was sort of to be expected that we would eventually clash over something. I think we both freaked out a bit at first merely because we had not ever fought before...but once we talked it out slowly over a couple of days, our relationship grew and became even that much better than before. Yeah, I know it sounds almost too cute to be true, but really, it’s been that way. I am just SO glad that we did learn that we can successfully disagree and even argue with one another and still keep the relationship intact. I love Mr. Cruise, and he loves me - and we are both committed to making this relationship work long-term. We find that we are both better and stronger people when we are in each other’s lives...and therefore, it makes sense that we should do what it takes to make this work. You don’t just randomly find connections out there like this. Ours is exceptionally special and close. And truthfully, our fighting was pretty minor. Many, many couples would have laughed at us and the silly issues that came up - many couples who do fight a lot would probably love to have such minor issues. But for us, it did seem like a big deal...and ultimately, I am glad it happened because now we know we can face it and still love each other the next day.
So now what? Well, I’m actually supposed to be finishing up studying for one of my big finals tomorrow in the morning. Oh, and there is a HUGE project that I’m supposed to turn in when I go to sit for the final. Um, yeah...have I started either one yet?! Um, no...but really, it’s not just me being lazy. There is A LOT of anxiety there, and I am just trying to get through tomorrow so that I can put this semester behind me. In hindsight, if I knew how much I would struggle with my health this term, I would NEVER have signed up for classes like this. I know...it made sense at the time based on the info I had, but still, it is frustrating that I set out to reach a certain goal (graduating), yet I just couldn’t pull it together and make it happen. Oh well. My intentions were good and well-meant. I just have a lot on my plate right now.
So is my life all drama? That’s a toss-up. Yes, there are more things going on, and they probably do fit totally under that category, but I like to think that it’s a positive sort of personal growth going on. Even if the growing pains are annoying, I firmly believe that there is some greater good behind everything else that is going on. Yes, I have no clue what I want to do when I do graduate (I can’t live off disability forever, both for financial reasons and the fact that I’m bored to death with having no greater purpose in my life). Yes, my family has not changed one bit (my brother really blew me off early this summer in regards to how much I was struggling and just needed family support, and my dad is having his own set of issues. With my dad, I had not even been able to tell him I’d been “medically terminated” and unable to work for these past many months...I finally had to break the news to him when he called asking for money last week. I wanted to help since he did get laid off a year ago Thanksgiving, but at the same time, I just couldn’t do it. I have no clue when I will have income again, but also I really didn’t see the couple of hundred dollars I maybe could have sent as doing any greater good beyond being a very short term temporary bandage to the bleeding). And I’m still in this strange process of shifting friendships. I lost most of my friends through my divorce. Then I realized some of my friendships were unhealthy over the summer, so I started pulling away from those folks. And even with some of the mutual friends I’ve made with Mr. Cruise, as I got to know some of these people more, I realized some of them aren’t the most desirable influences either...so here I am now with a very limited core group of friends. It’s good in the sense that I’ve weeded out the excess baggage, but it is hard in that I need my friends’ support desperately right now, yet I really don’t want to burn anyone out with all my stress. So once things *hopefully* calm down after the first of the year, I am hopeful that I can reach out and meet more people. I know there are other people who want to meet new people and develop new friendships. I just need to look around and find the best way to meet them. It’s a little hard stretching completely past my existing friendships because you have to be careful when you really don’t know someone (in that you need to make sure they are what they seem before you get too close), but I am sure that it will be worth the effort. And if I can’t readily find some groups where I can meet people, I’m truthfully thinking of starting up my own group. I can’t be the only woman in my sort of position who is looking to meet new “good” people.
But in the meantime, I think I need to suck it up and put on my big girl panties for the night. My final exam and the big project deadline are now just slightly over 11 hours away. Ack! I’d better quit journaling and get something productive done. Starting with making a strong cup of coffee...