Life Goes On
Yes, I am alive. Just crazy busy. I AM ACTUALLY GRADUATING IN MAY!!! That is huge. And on top of that, I’m hunting for work. My health still isn’t 100%, but hey, we do what we got to do.
So here I am, with my first big job interview tomorrow. Stressing it big time. But on top of that, stressing about other life stuff too. As always, there is a lot on my plate...but I think what I am most focused on tonight is stuff with Mr. Cruise. Overall, life there is good. We have really gelled as a couple living together. But at the same time, it’s not perfect. Nothing ever is, but you do wonder after a point, what is close enough? Not saying I’m ready to bail (or even remotely close), but somewhat frustrated tonight. There are a few smaller issues involved there, but the pink elephant in the middle of the room would be the fact that he really isn’t looking for work. On one hand, that is fine; he is paying half my mortgage and half the utilities, cable, and internet. But yet I still wonder what his long-term plan is? He has a tiny bit of money left, as well as available credit on his credit cards. And I get that sometimes a person looking for work might need to live off their credit cards while looking for work. Yet he isn’t looking. He has literally applied for one job in the 5 months that he has been here...and I did 90% of the legwork in helping him apply. And while I get that he might not be completely ready to look in some ways, I guess I feel slightly resentful when I feel like I have to look before I am 100% ready. And then I wonder as well, if we move forward with this relationship, what happens if he has a bunch of credit card debt when we merge our lives further (say marriage or even joint banking?). If it were not his choice to not be working, I guess I would be more OK with it, but the fact the he is ultimately choosing not to work on some level is bugging me. I don’t like working either, but it’s sort of a necessary evil.
But as I am slowly coming to understand (beyond just surface level acknowledgement), I cannot live my life based on what he does or does not do. I can only live my own life and get my own affairs in order. If things to not work out between us, I have no regrets. Yes, I love him. But I also love myself (in a healthy way). If Mr. Cruise is not a part of my forever future, of course I will mourn the loss, but I need to be able to stand on my own two feet. And again, I am not even saying that is the path that things will take. I am just feeling a bit put out tonight because I don’t think he exactly gets what I am going through. Not because he doesn’t care but because he hasn’t walked this path yet. And I get that everyone has their own timeline in life. I’m just scared that his choices could ultimately lead me down a rocky road if I am not at least aware and realistic about the situation. I don’t want to be the money snob my ex-husband was. Yet I also realize there is a happy medium between being perfect financially, real life, and sheer laziness.
So moving away from Mr. Cruise, my life is slowly becoming better, I guess. Still major health issues (like I already said), but I don’t really want to focus on that just now. I’d rather think about my accomplishments as I try to mentally prepare tonight for my interview in the morning. Earlier, I took a typing test. My “corrected” typing speed worked out to 60 WPM. I was EXTREMELY proud of that. I thought I was closer to 45 WPM last I checked, but apparently I have improved somewhat since the last time I tested. School is going well too. My last real class (meaning it has weekly assignments due online each week) has so far been very helpful in my personal life, but more importantly in terms of graduation, I am acing in. With the extra credit I earn on Friday for going to a conference, I will have over 100% in the class. So that is a huge confidence booster. And last but not least, I made excellent food choices today. Since November 1st, I have gained about 40 pounds (yeah...really...ick). But today I managed to do well for the entire day, eating mostly fruits and vegetables. Plus I drank tons of water and other no-calorie/non-carbonated beverages (like unsweetened iced tea) all day long. My hope is to look slightly less stuff into my business attire for the interview tomorrow, but of course, it is what it is. Seeing as how I bought a snug outfit to wear last night (it still looks OK...it’s just as tight as you’d really want it to ever be), it’s more of a pipe dream hoping I could slim down a bit in less than 48 hours. But hey, at least a few ounces is a few ounces, right?!
Okay, I’m not remotely tired. Or should I say I’m not remotely ready for bed, given that I’m wound up for tomorrow. But I know tomorrow will be that much worse without sleep.
So goodnight world! I really will try to journal more. I could really use the outlet right now. Even if no one is actively out there reading. At least this way the thoughts are out there for the universe to envelop and hopefully take away from pacing in my mind.
So here I am, with my first big job interview tomorrow. Stressing it big time. But on top of that, stressing about other life stuff too. As always, there is a lot on my plate...but I think what I am most focused on tonight is stuff with Mr. Cruise. Overall, life there is good. We have really gelled as a couple living together. But at the same time, it’s not perfect. Nothing ever is, but you do wonder after a point, what is close enough? Not saying I’m ready to bail (or even remotely close), but somewhat frustrated tonight. There are a few smaller issues involved there, but the pink elephant in the middle of the room would be the fact that he really isn’t looking for work. On one hand, that is fine; he is paying half my mortgage and half the utilities, cable, and internet. But yet I still wonder what his long-term plan is? He has a tiny bit of money left, as well as available credit on his credit cards. And I get that sometimes a person looking for work might need to live off their credit cards while looking for work. Yet he isn’t looking. He has literally applied for one job in the 5 months that he has been here...and I did 90% of the legwork in helping him apply. And while I get that he might not be completely ready to look in some ways, I guess I feel slightly resentful when I feel like I have to look before I am 100% ready. And then I wonder as well, if we move forward with this relationship, what happens if he has a bunch of credit card debt when we merge our lives further (say marriage or even joint banking?). If it were not his choice to not be working, I guess I would be more OK with it, but the fact the he is ultimately choosing not to work on some level is bugging me. I don’t like working either, but it’s sort of a necessary evil.
But as I am slowly coming to understand (beyond just surface level acknowledgement), I cannot live my life based on what he does or does not do. I can only live my own life and get my own affairs in order. If things to not work out between us, I have no regrets. Yes, I love him. But I also love myself (in a healthy way). If Mr. Cruise is not a part of my forever future, of course I will mourn the loss, but I need to be able to stand on my own two feet. And again, I am not even saying that is the path that things will take. I am just feeling a bit put out tonight because I don’t think he exactly gets what I am going through. Not because he doesn’t care but because he hasn’t walked this path yet. And I get that everyone has their own timeline in life. I’m just scared that his choices could ultimately lead me down a rocky road if I am not at least aware and realistic about the situation. I don’t want to be the money snob my ex-husband was. Yet I also realize there is a happy medium between being perfect financially, real life, and sheer laziness.
So moving away from Mr. Cruise, my life is slowly becoming better, I guess. Still major health issues (like I already said), but I don’t really want to focus on that just now. I’d rather think about my accomplishments as I try to mentally prepare tonight for my interview in the morning. Earlier, I took a typing test. My “corrected” typing speed worked out to 60 WPM. I was EXTREMELY proud of that. I thought I was closer to 45 WPM last I checked, but apparently I have improved somewhat since the last time I tested. School is going well too. My last real class (meaning it has weekly assignments due online each week) has so far been very helpful in my personal life, but more importantly in terms of graduation, I am acing in. With the extra credit I earn on Friday for going to a conference, I will have over 100% in the class. So that is a huge confidence booster. And last but not least, I made excellent food choices today. Since November 1st, I have gained about 40 pounds (yeah...really...ick). But today I managed to do well for the entire day, eating mostly fruits and vegetables. Plus I drank tons of water and other no-calorie/non-carbonated beverages (like unsweetened iced tea) all day long. My hope is to look slightly less stuff into my business attire for the interview tomorrow, but of course, it is what it is. Seeing as how I bought a snug outfit to wear last night (it still looks OK...it’s just as tight as you’d really want it to ever be), it’s more of a pipe dream hoping I could slim down a bit in less than 48 hours. But hey, at least a few ounces is a few ounces, right?!
Okay, I’m not remotely tired. Or should I say I’m not remotely ready for bed, given that I’m wound up for tomorrow. But I know tomorrow will be that much worse without sleep.
So goodnight world! I really will try to journal more. I could really use the outlet right now. Even if no one is actively out there reading. At least this way the thoughts are out there for the universe to envelop and hopefully take away from pacing in my mind.