[Fic] Dream Boy™
Part III
Gathered around the table, they all watch as Tou-san comes out of a room with a doll case in his hands. Tou-san lays it down on the table after Junno has gathered all the teacups and went to clean them up.
"Jin, do you remember the contract you have with Kazuya?" Tou-san asks.
Jin barely and vaguely remembers what the contract says. He couldn't recall everything that was written on the contract but he does remember that it states that he needs to look after Kazuya unless the contract has been terminated.
"You have done a rather good job being Kazuya's human partner," Tou-san says when Jin settles on nodding his head to answer the question. “I think that what you and Kazuya had was not one of those strong, impulsive feelings that people often mistook to be a work of fate. I tell you that it’s not. Bonds don’t work like that. What you two had was something quieter and gentler. I think it’s beautiful.”
"Kame and I…we sort of became like...best friends,” Jin tells the man. “It took time but we developed good rapport between us."
"Indeed.” Tou-san nods. "Kazuya has learned a lot from you, Jin. Did you know that when dolls learn, it means that they've been showered with love and affection by their partner and as a result, the dolls grow up."
"Grow up?" Jin asks, frowning at the thought. "I didn't notice Kazuya growing taller. Or bigger."
Tou-san chuckles at Jin’s naivety. "It seems that you didn't understand how it works," he says. "Ueda-kun knew so I thought you already know what growing up means to a doll."
"Well, I don't," Jin admits to the group. "Unlike Ueda, I don’t have prior experience with dolls before Kame came."
"Ueda-kun, will you be kind enough to explain it to your friend?" Tou-san turns to Ueda who is silently sipping on his tea.
With all the attention suddenly turned to him, Ueda puts down his cup, clears his throat and slowly says, "A doll growing up signifies that the doll is starting to become human. They undergo changes, processes which make them human in time."
"And you know this because?"
"My sister's favourite doll...he's on the process of growing up when our mom took her. It went to find her in Osaka. It never came back. Tou-san told me that since the process hadn't been completed and no one looked after it, it broke into pieces. The one I have in my shelf is a replica of him. Even if he's only a replica, he seems happy being with the dolls I bought in Osaka."
What followed next is an awkward silence as the artisan, Koki, and Ueda all looked at Jin to see his reaction.
"You're kidding, right?” Jin couldn’t find it in himself to believe what he has just heard. “That doesn't even sound possible."
"You have reared a child I have created, Jin," Tou-san says to the young man. "After all of that, do you seriously think that a doll becoming human is impossible?"
"This is crazy." Jin spit out his words. He looks at the orange-haired man and says, "You are seriously insane. It can't be possible!"
"Unfortunately, it's a part of my power that I have no control of. I give them souls but the dolls decide if whether they want to be human.” Tou-san then looks at Jin intently. “Your lips have touched Kazuya's ring and by doing that, you have awakened Kazuya's emotions. I have given my dolls soul but that doesn't mean that they can feel. But you, out of curiosity, have kissed Kazuya's ring."
"But I didn't know that it would give such a result," Jin says.
"It doesn't matter if you're aware of it or not. You cannot undo what has been already done," Tou-san tells Jin. "As the one responsible for Kazuya, you should know that Kazuya suffered a stunted growth."
"Stunted growth? Meaning?"
"He means that Kazuya didn't get the chance to fully develop," Koki answers Jin's inquiry.
"In order for a doll to mature, to become human rather, dolls need constant affection. Growing up means they have to feed on the love that their partner is capable of giving. But in Kazuya's case, you stopped and it's only natural for Kazuya to stop developing as well. The emotions remain but the process of becoming human freezes. It would have been okay if that has been the case but unfortunately, Kazuya's feelings have already bloomed so when you started to neglect him, Kazuya fell into depression. When dolls fall in such a state, they gradually become shells.”
"Shells?" Ueda repeats. He shifts his gaze between Koki and Tou-san.
"What you know as normal toys is known to us doll makers as shells," Tou-san explains. "Shells don't speak, think, and breathe. They can't eat, dream, and sleep. Shells are mere objects, like the ones you see here in my shop. Well, maybe except for one.” Tou-san chuckles when he remembers the one doll that refuses to wake up. “Anyway, they're just shells. They're beautiful but they don't have souls. They can't grow and mature."
Tou-san moves slowly as he opens the case he has laid on the table. Koki, Junno and Ueda all stare at Jin as Tou-san slowly pulls up the lid to expose the doll inside the case.
"This doll here is now lost..." Tou-san's voice reflects sadness and regret.
When Jin takes a look, he feels something inside him die when he sees Kame lying in the same position he had first seen him, only this time he's more fragile-looking and lifeless.
"Did I...do this to him?"
"You should know that yourself."
It is Junno's voice that echoes in the shop. He hands Jin something he has been asked dearly to create and keep. "He wanted me to give that to you."
Jin stares at the pendant-sized replica of the globe Junno has given him. He remembers the time when Kame once said to him that he'll have the world in his hands if he sang songs that come from the heart. If the world opens up to him, it is only then that Jin would feel that he belongs. Jin never would have thought that Kame would be the one to give the world to him.
"Before Tou-san guided him back to sleep, Kame-chan used all his remaining energy to produce tears and in order to do that, a doll must cry. He said he wanted to give you something that would remind you always of him,” Junno informs Jin.
“Doll tears are rare pieces because they are only produced when the doll feels that the bond between him and his human partner is deep and unbreakable. Doll tears exist to show the doll's gratitude to the human. The tears' quality surpasses that of the finest materials used for jewelries.” Junno looks at the doll then. “It's a pity that Kame-chan is gone now. Of all the doll tears I have held and worked on, his are the most pure and beautiful; diamonds don't even come close."
"By lost..." Jin says when he finally finds his voice. He looks at the doll maker while his hand clutches onto the pendant tightly. "By lost...do you mean that Kame...died?" He feels like asking them to lie if ever the answer to his question is a yes.
"Dolls don't really die in this way," Tou-san says, caressing Kame's hair softly with a finger. "I make them fall asleep so that they would simply go far away; too far that waking up becomes a difficult task."
"Why would you do that?" Jin is angered by the thought.
"Aside from what I already told you, it's the only way to prolong the process of breaking." Tou-san holds Jin's left hand and guides it to gently move Jin's index finger on Kame's skin - from Kame's face down to his hands.
"Have you noticed any changes, Jin?"
"Kame's skin...it's far from being soft and smooth."
"That's because he already started to break before he was brought here."
Jin feels himself shiver in disgust for failing to notice the changes Kame has gone through because of him. Kame had always said he's ok and that nothing is wrong. Jin wonders why he believed those words when his instincts told him otherwise.
"What happens if Kame doesn't wake up?"
"He'll keep on dreaming." Koki is the one who speaks up. "Dolls dream when they fall in a deep sleep and while they are in that state, they have no choice but to relive memories they had with their partner."
"How does it go?" Ueda asks.
"He will start dreaming of the happy ones before darkness will suddenly come. It will be an eternal sleep that does not even allow death to come. Being unable to move, feeling yourself enveloped in pitch black, in despair and anticipation, in happiness and pain. The doll would simply continue to watch as he relives every single memory."
"But that's good, right?" Jin asks with a broken voice. He does not even bother to stop his tears from falling. He doesn’t even try to hide. Jin doesn't know why or how but hearing what Kame would have to go through stirs a painful feeling inside his chest. The Kame he knows has always been bright and cheery. Knowing that Kame have exchanged his smiles and tea-time for tears and dreams breaks his heart and it aches so bad that crying now help eases the pain. Kame doesn’t deserve to go through all of these.
"Please tell me that it’s better than being dead.” Jin hears himself beg.
"On the contrary, it is much harsher than death," Tou-san regretfully says.
-
Memories are what warm you up from the inside but they're also what tear you apart.
Kazuya will dream of his most precious memories with you and painstakingly slow, you will be taken away from his dreams. Like I've said, Kazuya's emotions have been awakened meaning that it already is similar to human emotions. The process is sure to cause him pain and if Kazuya's not strong enough to pull through, Kazuya would then break into pieces.
If he shatters completely, Kazuya then dies.
Hearing all those seemed to wake him up to the harsh reality. It took Jin a lot of time to convince Koki to allow him to take Kame home. He remembers the time when he finally got grasp on things and has decided to help Kame and nurse him back to health. Tou-san has agreed, saying that Kame staying with his human partner while in such state would do Kame good. But unlike the artisan, Koki is a different, difficult matter. Koki gave him a hard time. The man remained cold to him; nurturing the animosity he has for him and insisted that Kame doesn’t need someone like him. Koki even took Kame and his case away, saying he’ll look after Kame and then leaves.
Hearing those words from someone he doesn't know made Jin feel insulted. Koki doesn't have the right to tell him those kinds of things and he doesn't have the right to take Kame away. He is Kame's partner which makes him responsible for the doll. Jin tried to tell himself that it was the reason - the contract - when in actual truth, he was furious when he saw Koki leaving with Kame, taking Kame away from him. Jin has never felt so possessive of anything before and Kame...Kame seemed to have awaken something within him that Jin never knew existed inside him.
In an attempt to settle things calmly, he has called out to Koki to make him stop but the man didn't listen. Koki didn't even look back. It infuriated Jin and unable to stop himself from creating a scene, he ran after Koki and started a fight.
“Very mature, Akanishi.” Koki mocked him while he lay on the floor with cuts and bruises on his face. Koki gave him one last disgusted look before he leaves the shop with Kame.
Autumn still burns brightly, a running flame through the city. Day by day the dead leaves fall and colours the ground crimson, gold and scarlet. White and hazy clouds roll in silence above humans, buildings and trees. Jin always watches the falling leaves drift by his window and when night rolls around, he feels a little more of him dies.
Kame still hasn’t woken up and it's already starting to take its toll on him but Jin refuses to give up. Even if his work is demanding, Jin finds a way to spend time with Kame. When he's at home, Jin stays with Kame at all times. He leaves Kame's case open in hopes that Kame might hear him. He tells Kame stories about work and Ueda who now works at the shop. He tells Kame about meeting Tou-san again along with his friends. He tells Kame stories about the baseball show Kame used to watch. Other times, Jin boils tea, pours it in Kame's favourite cup and sets it down next to Kame's case alongside a piece of ichigo daifuku wishing and hoping that one day, he'll wake up and see Kame eating and drinking the treat and the tea. When he feels that he's losing faith in Kame, Jin resorts to holding the doll in his hands.
Holding Kame gives him a warm rush inside his chest. Being close with Kame feels intimate and Jin feels okay with it. It makes him remember their happy memories from the past seasons. Unable to hide what he feels anymore, Jin gets up from the floor and curls on his bed with Kame in his arms. Every night, he sings to Kame until he falls asleep, hoping that when the sun comes up he'll see Kame smiling at him again.
However, every time he wakes up, Jin sees Kame pale, with cracks and still lifeless.
-
Kame feels something warm. It's that same feeling again of being under the warmth of the sun in the middle of winter. There's a soft melody echoing in the darkness of his dream. It feels so soothing.
The words are familiar. The arrangement of the lyrics sounds too familiar. Then it dawns on Kame. They are familiar because they are the words he had written down on that crumpled paper he found underneath Jin's bed.
Jin is singing his unfinished song Kame has decided to finish. Unfortunately, they are all just inside his dream.
-
Winter is still a week away but Jin feels it has arrived since the day he visited Kame at the shop in Shinjuku.
In a desperate attempt to help Kame recover, Jin has devoted himself in trying to get Kame back. He even came to the point where he brings Kame along with him wherever he goes. Even at work.
At first, Jin always got stared at, reason being the intriguing doll case, by the people he works with. There's his manager, his crew, his stylist and make-up artist, not to mention the people on the site. When they ask him about the case, Jin tells them that it just contains his stuff and that it's not really worth fussing over. Some bought his excuse, others didn't. It's because wherever Jin goes, the case goes and obviously enough, something interesting is hidden inside.
The curiosity of knowing what's inside the case made one of the men in Jin's crew become unsettled. So one day, With Jin out of the rehearsal room and busy talking to his manager, Josh decides to open the case and laughs when he sees that it's a doll with a turtle plushie next to it. The plushie even has a panda beanie on its head.
"Hey, that's rude!" The blonde woman of the crew says when she sees Josh tinkering with the case. "Don't touch that!"
"Oh, you have to see this!" Josh then takes out his phone to take a photo of the object. "Who would have ever thought that the cool Jin Akanishi carries something girly like this?"
A red-haired lady enters the room and peeks into the case when she sees Josh swooning over something and says, "Awkward turtle" when she sees the plushie with a panda beanie. She reaches her hands out to hold the doll and instantly falls in love with its beauty even if there are visible flaws. Threading her fingers in the doll's hair, she coos at how soft it feels and she primps it as carefully as she could. She frowns when the doll gets snatched from her hands.
"Mine!" Josh triumphantly squeals and moves the doll about, not a hint of gentleness in the way he flails the doll.
The woman tried to get it back but Josh moved the doll in such a fast pace she had trouble grasping for it. He laughs at her failed attempts and she childishly stomps a foot when she couldn't get it back. Josh laughs tyrannically when she pouts and that is when they hear a cracking sound.
"What the fuck are you doing?!" Jin angrily makes his way to the man and feels himself wanting to explode when he sees Kame outside his case, being held up in the air by someone who doesn't know how special Kame is. "Who gave you permission to touch my stuff?!"
"Dude, we-"
"Give him to me." Jin demands, trying to keep his anger down. "I said give him to me!" he shouts when the man refuses to budge.
Josh shuffles on his feet and hands the doll to Jin immediately. "Geez, cool off, man! It's just a doll. Did you see all those cracks? He's ugly and I hate him." Josh then walks off toward the exit, leaving the rest of the crew in the room.
Jin holds Kame carefully and when he feels Kame's right arm come loose, he feels his knees go weak upon inspection when he finds out that Kame's right arm is no longer attached to its socket and could no longer be attached to it because of how it broke. Jagged edges, unequal sides, missing pieces.
For the first time in his entire life, Jin hugs a doll tightly and cries like a child in front of women.
-
Jin's tears won't stop from falling as he tries to put back the pieces of Kame's arm together. He took pieces of porcelain he saw lying on the floor of the rehearsal room. If Aubree hasn't offered him a hand, he would have missed the button that has come off from Kame's shirt. After giving her his thanks, he immediately leaves the location and locks up inside his house.
"I'm sorry," he says to Kame with a broken voice. "I'm so sorry."
Jin wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and tries to attach the ball of Kame's arm to its socket. It still doesn't fit completely but Jin thinks it's better than having Kame with a missing arm. He then reaches for his sewing kit and sews the button back to its place. With this, the chance of having Kame back seems impossible. Maybe Kame won't even return, maybe Kame will. Jin doesn't know but he has faith in Kame. He will keep his faith in Kame. Done with sewing the button back, Jin carefully clothes Kame up. He even brushes Kame's hair to keep it from covering his face.
It may sound absurd but Jin thinks it has gotten longer and softer. Since Kame slept, his hair felt brittle and had lost its natural shine.
Jin knows he is the first who left and Kame has, in many cases, waited for him but he unconsciously ignored all of it because of the good things happening to his career, to him. He has willingly lost himsef in the company of newfound friends and of his fans, causing him to abandon the one who reached out to him when no one else did. Even if they sometimes fight, Kame never left. He's always there watching out for him. Kame is not the type who openly shows him how much he cares for him but Jin knows. Jin knows because when he speaks in words, Kame replies through actions.
"You've slept long enough," Jin whispers to Kame's ear once he's laid down the doll inside its case again. "It's time you wake up...please wake up."
What comes next doesn't even surprise Jin. Kissing Kame didn't even feel weird. In fact, it helped open something he had locked up inside of him. It made him accept what he deemed to be impossible and not right. Staring at the doll inside the case, Jin feels his heart running wild inside his chest. Even in his imperfect state, Kame still looks gorgeous and immaculate. He caresses Kame's cheek, his finger feels the cracks there, and leans down to whisper something he never thought would ever slip past his lips.
I love you, Kazuya.
-
In his dream that night, Kame came upon a dream where two stuffed toys - a rabbit and a horse - are having a conversation.
"What is REAL?" asks the Rabbit. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," says the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asks the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," says the Skin Horse, for he is always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asks, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," says the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
"I suppose you are real?" says the Rabbit. And then he wishes he has not said it, for he thinks the Skin Horse may be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiles.
"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he says. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."
After hearing the rabbit and the horse, Kame leaves as quietly as he came with a decision in his mind that has taken him a long time to decide on.
-
Winter has officially returned.
Ueda finishes preparing the dolls for another day at the shop. They always have to look pretty and cute because people, even if they're not going to buy, like stopping by at the shop to look at the dolls. Since dolls cannot stand too much cold and heat, he dressed them up with something appropriate for winter. Koki has just finished an entire winter collection just in time for the first snow fall of the year in Tokyo. Strangely enough, the snow falls down like a calm rain, just a slow drizzle but enough to cover the city white. It gives off a romantic, dreamy feel. It's not the same like what Tokyo is used to.
"Welcome to Traumtyp!"
Upon hearing Junno's usual greeting, Ueda looks up with a wide smile on his face, ready to greet the customer, only to have it changed with a worried expression when he sees Jin looking like the world has just ended. Jin's aura lacks the confidence he usually has. His shoulders are slumped and his hoodie is pulled low enough to cover half of his face. This is not the Jin he knows.
"What's wrong?" Ueda asks, leading Jin to sit down on a plush chair.
"He's gone," Jin replies lowly, looking down at the carpet covering the floor. He tries so hard not to cry.
Ueda frowns."What do you mean he's gone?"
"I woke up today and found out that Kame and his briefcase are no longer in my house."
Jin could still feel that feeling of being lost and helpless when he didn't see Kame and his case the minute he woke up. Ever since Kame fell asleep, looking at him has become the first thing Jin does when he wakes up. Because of that, he always lay Kame's case next to his bed so when he didn't see it earlier, all of his hopes immediately flew out the window, thinking that maybe that is the doll's way of breaking. Maybe it's how a doll tells his partner it's over.
Maybe it's Kame's way of saying goodbye.
"Welcome to Traumtyp!"
The need to have Jin explain to him what has happened is set aside when he hears Junno's voice again. Ueda looks toward the door, thinking it was a customer, and sees Koki walking inside the shop with someone behind him. He hears Junno make a surprised sound then he sees him coming to the man and enclosing the lean man in a hug. Koki whines about Junno hugging him too tight but Junno only grins and doesn't let go. Ueda smiles at the scene. Jin, Maru, and him used to be like that. Being reminded of Jin, Ueda turns his attention back to his friend again.
"Jin, are you sure that-"
"You seem so sad," an unfamiliar voice cuts Ueda off.
Ueda and Jin look up toward the owner of the voice and both feel their jaws dropping to the ground when they see him.
Fair skin, brown hair, hazel eyes. Fleshy cheeks, crooked nose, pink-tinted thin lips. Stud earring, rainbow necklace. Black winter coat, dark jeans, and expensive-looking shoes. Pinky ring.
"It can't be..." Ueda mutters, finding it hard to believe.
"What can't be?" the young man asks curiously.
"You..."
"Me?" He frowns a little before looking at the man with the hoodie. "Oh, I forgot to introduce myself, haven't I?" The soft laughter he emits sound so genuine and happy. Real.
"My name is Kamenashi Kazuya. From now on, let's be friends, ne?"
Jin feels like he's the one trapped in a dream.
-
Tou-san watches Kazuya talking to a customer. He hears Kazuya telling her about the doll she has chosen and she smiles widely when Kazuya says that their personalities complement each other. Convinced, she agrees to buy the doll and hands her money to Ueda who is manning the cash register. Kazuya takes the doll and wraps it up.
"Thank you and come back again, ma'am!" Junno says, keeping the door open for her. She says her thanks to Junno and walks out into the snow.
"Are you having fun here?" Tou-san asks Kazuya who is now sitting on a chair and sipping his tea. There are too much that Kazuya hasn't forgotten about and that intrigues him a lot. When a doll becomes human, the doll is supposed to forget everything in his past life. Kazuya didn't. Well, there are some important things that he forgot but not all.
"Otousan, you know that I wouldn't stay for more than a day if I didn't like it here," Kazuya replies, smiling at his creator. "Are you happy that I didn't forget you, Koki, and Junno?"
"Of course I am. We are," Tou-san replies. "You are aware that you are the only one who grew up and remembered us, am I right?" Tou-san asks as he reaches for his own cup.
Kazuya nods. "That's true. I don't know how or why I did though."
"But are we really the only ones you remember?"
Kazuya frowns. "Are there anybody else that I should?"
Tou-san shakes his head. "No. I was just asking."
"Okay," Kazuya says and pours tea on an empty cup. After he's done, he stands up and excuses himself to deliver the tea to Koki who is in his room, working on some clothes especially requested by a doll collector.
Tou-san watches as Kazuya walks away and when Kazuya closes the door to Koki's room, he looks at Ueda who also has his eyes affixed on Kazuya.
"I'm sorry that he doesn't recall you..."
"I'm all right," Ueda replies even if he's a bit sad that Kame didn't remember him even if he had cared for the doll the past year. "It's Jin I'm actually worried about."
-
"Ueda-kun, I didn't know that you collect dolls," Kazuya says, looking at the glass shelf where Ueda's collection is carefully arranged.
"It was my sister's influence," Ueda answers, pouring tea on the cup Kame always used.
"I see."
Kazuya walks to the dining room and seats himself down.
"Would you like me to add three drops of milk in your tea?"
"Yes, please!" Kazuya replies. "How did you know that I like my tea like that?"
Ueda carefully presses the dropper to put the exact amount of milk on Kazuya's tea. "You used to have tea here with me and later with Nakamaru as well."
"What do you mean?" Kazuya asks. "And who is Nakamaru?"
As if on cue, Nakamaru comes out of his room, ready to go out with his friends. He drops by the kitchen to grab a bite of the strawberry shortcake and tell Ueda goodbye.
"Is that him?" Nakamaru asks Ueda while watching Kazuya sip on his tea and looking intently at something. Ueda has already told him about Kame the doll becoming Kazuya the human. He didn't believe it so Ueda felt compelled to provide him with evidence. That evidence being Kazuya himself.
"Yeah."
"Remind me not to buy anything from that shop, okay?" Nakamaru says. "I don't think I can handle something like this."
"Are you a preschool teacher?" Kazuya suddenly asks.
"Yeah," Nakamaru replies, excited.
"That explains why you have an odd taste for fashion," Kazuya remarks and keeps eyeing the purple argyle sweater. It irks him.
"I really don't like you," Nakamaru states, forks the strawberry on top of Kazuya's cake and eats it.
"It's all right. I like you anyway," Kazuya says, smiling. "You seem to be a nice person."
Surprised with the same answers Kazuya gave him, Nakamaru asks, "You remember me, don't you?"
Kazuya shakes his head. "Should I?"
-
"Hi! How may I help you today?" Kazuya asks the man politely, greeting him with a wide smile.
Jin stares at the man and every time he drops by at the shop, it's always because of wanting to see Kame. It's all because he yearns to be with Kame. It's ironic how he wants to spend time with someone who doesn't even remember him.
However, Jin couldn't be more selfish. Kame has already suffered because of him and now that he can actually see Kame smiling, laughing, and hear him talking, Jin decides that this is okay. Kame deserves to live an easy, happy life after all that he's been through but sometimes, it makes him want to shake Kame and force the doll-turned-human to remember him.
"Hey mister."
It is only then that Jin realizes that he's staring at Kame and it's probably rude so he apologizes. Kame tells him it's okay and asks again if there is something he could help him with. Jin shakes his head.
"I was just looking..."
"That's what I thought so." Kazuya laughs. "You must like the dolls here a lot for you to come here almost every day."
"It's not like I'm the only one," Jin replies, walking away from Kazuya to look at the doll who doesn't want to wake up.
"True," Kazuya agrees and follows the man who is now staring at the doll inside its glass case. "Do you like him? Otousan made him so I can say that he's quite more special than the others."
"Special?"
"I bet you won't believe me if I say that some dolls have souls."
"I bet I will."
"You will?" Kazuya's eyes light up.
"I had one before. A very special doll."
"Really? What's his name?"
"The ones who know him call him Kame."
"Like the turtle?"
Jin nods.
"So where is he now? Can you bring him here the next time you visit?" Kazuya asks. "I want to meet him! Maybe we can talk about our experiences."
"He's already here."
"Eh?"
"I don't know if you'll ever get the chance to meet him though and even if you do, I'm not sure if he'll tell you about me."
"Why is that?"
"You see, Kame...he grew up," Jin says. "And he forgot about me."
"That's just sad," Kazuya says and leans back on a shelf. "Did you feel sad when he didn't remember you?"
"Of course," Jin admits. "I still am."
"I guess I'm still lucky that I remembered otousan, Koki-kun, and Junno. I'm glad I didn't make them feel the way you feel now. It must be difficult for you." Kazuya's voice has a tinge of regret. Looking at the man and seeing him sad makes Kazuya feel like he is the one causing the stranger pain. Kazuya doesn't like it. Straightening up, he reaches inside his pocket and extends his hand. "Here," he says. "It's sweet so I hope it will help make you feel better."
Jin looks at the hand in front of him and sees an ichigo daifuku wrapped in a translucent wrapper tied with a red ribbon.
"If I get to meet him, I promise to tell him about you. Who knows? Maybe it will help him remember."
"It's funny," Jin comments, reaching for the daifuku that is in Kazuya's hand.
"What is?"
"It's funny that you want him to remember me when you yourself don't."
Kazuya frowns."I don't think I understand. Why should my memories be relevant when it's your doll we're talking about?"
"Because you share the same memories with my doll," Jin says and holds Kazuya's hand. "In fact, I am holding his hand right now."
-
Kazuya laid on his bed that night confused and frustrated, unable to forget the man's words. It makes him feel unsettled. It makes him feel he's committed something unforgivable. Thinking about it, Kazuya recalls the few meetings he's had with people as a human.
"Are you sure that we're the only ones you remember?"
"You used to have tea here with me and later with Nakamaru as well."
"You remember me, don't you?"
"Because you share the same memories with my doll. In fact, I am holding his hand right now."
Something tells him that the things he forgot are all important memories of his life as a doll. If ever that is true, Kazuya knows he would feel worse if one of Ueda, Nakamaru, and that man has been his human partner.
-
"So this is how a concert looks like..." Kazuya says as he looks around the place. Tokyo Dome is filled with people, most of them are females. The place is full of life, the speakers are loud, the scream of fans hysterical. They overwhelm him.
Together with Junno, Koki, Ueda, and Nakamaru, Tou-san gave them free tickets for that one-day winter special concert of You and Jin.
You and Jin.
Kazuya frowns when the words sound a bit too familiar to him but soon forgets about it when the concert begins.
"Who is Jin there?" Kazuya has to scream his question since the screaming got louder as the performers became crazier.
"The man in the middle." Nakamaru points at Jin.
"The one who sings?" Kazuya asks again.
"Yeah!"
Kazuya nods and watches the on-going concert again now with a newfound interest. The music is bass-heavy and the lyrics is meant for grinding bodies on the dance floor. The dancers are all amazing but there's something in the way that Jin moves his body that keeps Kazuya drawn to him. Even if Kazuya wants to watch the others intently, Jin moves as if he owns the stage, as if he owns the audience, as if he owns all of Kazuya's attention. Yet, Kazuya doesn't mind at all. Watching Jin feels normal. It feels like it's the best thing to do.
It feels like he's done this a million times before.
Kazuya focuses on the dancing because the songs Jin sings doesn't make sense to him. They all share the same theme - women, sex, and partying. They lack meaning and when songs lack meaning, they don't sound good to him even if the accompanying dance to it is wonderful. He hears Ueda and Nakamaru loudly talking about Jin, of how proud they are of him. On his other side are Junno and Koki who have started moving with the rhythm in their places the minute the second song played.
Koki doesn't like this Jin but this is a start, Kazuya thinks.
Four songs later, Kazuya still doesn't get it. Why do people enjoy these songs when they don't come from the heart? How can they enjoy such music when it's obvious that the singer is hiding what he really feels through the cruddy lyrics of his songs?
The crowd has gone crazy; the performers are all hyped up. Watching Jin dance with his two female back dancers made Kazuya accept the fact that they have chemistry and they are good in creating sexual tension. It is so good that it makes the audience go wild. It makes the audience ask for more. Except for him.
Kazuya feels annoyed seeing Jin like that. Scratch that. He isn't annoyed. He is jealous and jealousy is always never a good sign, doll or not. Kazuya knows he shouldn't even feel something like jealousy because he isn't in love. But this kind of jealousy that's inside him seems familiar, too familiar when Jin is supposed to be just someone who visits the shop. Jin is Ueda and Nakamaru's friend. Jin is someone he barely knows. He doesn't know Jin. Despite that, Kazuya feels like throwing the fashion magazine he bought earlier before the concert started straight at Jin just so the sexy dancing would stop.
"I'm going out," Kazuya tells Ueda loudly.
"Why?" Ueda asks. "Are you not having fun?"
"No!" Kazuya denies. "It's not like that. This place is getting...stuffy. I'm finding it hard to breathe. I'll just have some fresh air."
"You want me to come with you?"
"No. You can stay here. I won't take long anyway."
With that, Kazuya tries to make his way out from a sea of people. He feels like an idol trying to escape the paparazzi with the difficulty he's having.
"This next song is something I wrote a long time ago but decided not to finish." Jin's voice echoes inside the dome when the song ended. "I thought that the lyrics I wrote don’t make sense so I threw it and had completely forgotten about it. But someone found it and finished the song. That person didn't tell me but I found it. I'm so glad I found it. That person love songs that are from the heart so please, to thank that person, enjoy this in a way that makes you feel."
Kazuya stops walking away when he hears the strings of a guitar playing. It feels like he's heard this intro before. It feels like he's heard this song before. The memory is like that of a distant dream.
Within affairs and lies, I am burdened by my awkwardness at love.
On an awful day, when I am pursued by time, I felt a little free.
He turns to look at the stage when Jin's voice, overflowing with emotions, renders the audience quiet and speechless. The spotlight is focused on Jin, the cameras have closed in on Jin's face and it isn't hard to see that this particular song has a special place inside the singer's heart.
I had lost sight of something as the days passed by
Just like that, I have to make the first move
To not let go of the hand I am holding.
Then they all come to him in a rush that the memories make Kazuya's head ache. In his head, he sees Jin opening his case for the first time and kissing his ring during a cold winter night. Spring came and Kazuya sees him and Jin doing things together. There are trips to the grocery, the park and watching the hanami. Their summer is filled with memories of ice cream and rivers, of laughter and doubts.
When his memories during Autumn came, Kazuya feels like he's watching something he isn't supposed to see. It renders him immobile and speechless and as they all become clearer, Kazuya feels an invisible lump in his throat, the memories are too painful that it makes him tear up. He stands there, feeling like he and Jin are the only ones in that place. With eyes closed, he sees himself watching the moon by Jin's window while Jin sleeps, there's Jin telling him about his concert tour. In his head, Kazuya sees himself limping and helplessly falling to the ground as his joints stiffened. In his head, he sees himself head over heels in love with Jin and Jin...
If, for instance, you were scarred
Anyone’s love can change colour numerous times.
On the day you are tired, lean on me
I will always be there to embrace you, whoever you may be.
Kazuya opens his eyes and the first thing he sees is Jin looking intently at him as he hits the final notes of the song Kazuya remembers writing the lyrics to.
-
Kazuya finds himself backstage, standing in front of Jin's dressing room. He doesn't know if this is right, if this is what's best for them. But now that his memories have returned, Kazuya finally knows who Jin is in his life. He now remembers how special Jin is to him. Jin may have forgotten about him but Jin made up for it by bringing him back.
"Kazuya...?"
"You know, when dolls like me get lost and dreams eternally, we lose our souls," Kazuya tells Jin as he stood there outside the dressing room.
"Kazuya, why don't-"
"When we lose our souls, we could break." Kazuya pauses a bit before finally looking up to meet Jin's eyes, to see Jin's face up close. "When I was lost, I dreamt of you. You were always there with me and when you were about to be taken away from my memories, I felt warm. You were singing the song you left unfinished."
"Care."
"Care?" Kazuya asks. "Is that the title you came up with?"
Jin nods.
"It's beautiful."
"I told you we'd make beautiful music together, didn't I?" Jin smiles and for the first time, reaches out to caress Kazuya's cheek.
Kazuya leans in to the touch, loving how he can now feel the warmth of Jin's palm. "The day before I became human..."
"I said that I love you the night before you became human," Jin says. "I remembered Koki telling me that dolls feed on love in order to become human so I let go and gave it a try."
"Speaking of Koki, he doesn't seem to be fond of you."
"At least he danced to my songs, that's a start."
Kazuya laughs.
"Are you happy that I'm...like you? Human, I mean."
"I won't even complain if I got you back as a doll." Jin then pulls Kazuya towards him and encloses him in a hug. "I missed you, Kame."
"Now I understand how you're able to bring my soul back," Kazuya mumbles and smiles into Jin's shirt.
When a doll is lost, it is almost impossible to bring back its soul. Love, when sincere and true, is the only thing strong enough that can bring it back. It is not stated in the contract for the reason that only who deserves it should have it. With Jin falling in love with him, Jin unconsciously made the contract void but has turned it into an eternal bond between them, between their hearts.
"Did you say something?" Jin asks.
Kazuya looks up to Jin and smirks. "I said you didn't change. Most of your songs sound stupid but I'd have to say that they're good for dancing and-"
"Will you just shut up and kiss me already?"
Kazuya complies.
"I'm home," Kazuya murmurs against Jin's lips.
"Welcome back," Jin replies. "So, would you like to have tea with me tonight?"
"You have to buy me unyu, too."
"It's ichigo daifuku, Kame."
"Unyu."
"I-chi-go dai-fu-ku."
"Un-yu."
"Are you sure you're not the doll?"
Kazuya laughs and Jin feels like it's Spring and Summer all over again.
The End.
___
Notes:
• Traumtyp, the shop's name, is German for Dream Boy. Special thanks to yumiko_okahawa for providing me the word/term. <3
• This doll made me want to really write this fic. At first, he looks a lot like Jin and then he looks like Kame when you stare at his face. Even doll's play mindfuck with me. Great.
• Meet Tou-san :) Tou-san's character is a mixture between Rozen (from Rozen Maiden) and Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland's Mad Hatter which has been acted by Johnny Depp).
• The rabbit and the skin horse's conversation is actually an excerpt from The Velveteen Rabbit or How Toys Become Real by Margery Williams.
• The idea for the doll's growing up and the doll tears is based on the manga, Plant doll. Any similarity between the guardian of the dolls in the manga and my characterisation of Tou-san is pure coincidence. I have started this fic even before I stumbled upon the manga.
That said, I hope you enjoyed this and thanks for reading :) Comments are always appreciated~ <3