(no subject)
well. im the new communications director for my organization at school. which means more responsibilities tacted on to my already depressing life. you need creative bones in your body to do this. and i have none. dont ask me why i took the position. they looked at me like ok your the only qualified one. i was like wtf?? if anyone has any ideas on creative things to put on a billboard type thing for human resources besides colored paper and cut out colored letters...let me know.
has anyone out there ever made a life impacting decision?? and not what color shoes to wear tomorrow either. i stay thinking about the one i made when i chose not to go to art school in DC. i was basically packed and ready to go. speaking of no creative bones in my body...me! ART SCHOOL! crazy...my mom wanted me to live her dreams bc she went to MICA for a hot minute and dropped out. so of course when i said i wanted to do graphic design she was all over that like some bees on honey. i remember when i told her i didnt wanna go. and i wanted to take up accounting. i think she cried. if i can remember correctly. and i told her that if it took me moving out i will do what i want. but then she found out that accountants make bank. so she was all over that too. (and now i changed again, and probably for the last time since i graduate so soon....yea...she hates my major). but i wonder where my life would be if i did move away to DC. its crazy thinking about it. i think my life would either be better or completely worse. nothing in the middle.
fate and destiny are crazy things.
i fucking hate. sitting here. and thinking about certain people. like what they are doing right this second. i wish i could just take my own fucking advise and call them up and say helloooooooo im thinking about you right this minute!! but i think that would be stalkerish. i call one of them too much as it is now. i wish people would call you up out of the blue and say 'remember that time we did this -- lets go do it again right now.' or even say 'you know what we always talked about doing this -- fuck it lets go now' no matter what the situation is with that person. even if you or that person did something so wrong to them. just to say fuck it for that moment. life is so short. and im coming to realize that. hurting people sucks. but i live in a fucking dream world. the one that paramount puts on. bc i watch too many fucking romantic movies and listen to too many fucking country songs. the media has taken over my body!!
my gran is dying =[ thats my best friend. shes the back bone in my life. at times she made me go crazy but i love her so much. and i know she loves me. she has practically been my second mom. cuz when my mom wasnt around when i was young she was right there. never left my side. and no matter what ive gotten myself into financially she always backed up and gave me the money. she has given me the encouragement that i needed in my life but was never too strict. she always let me make mistakes so i could learn from them and she picked me up when i was down. now...im down...and there isnt anyone to pick me up. it feels as if stacie and i are living such a similiar life. w ex bfs, friends, family members dyin on the same days, the way we feel in general, and now, both of are grandmoms are doing poorly in the hospital. its too wierd. i love her <3 if my grandmom passes this year...i pray that it wont happen..but if she does that means i will have lost my uncle, her, and my love all in one year. my poor aunt. a husband and a mother. thats fucking crazy. im balling =[
time is so short people. this past year ive taken that for granted so much. by wasting my time drinking all the fucking time. and not spending it with the people that i love. i feel like i have no one left anymore. and to just continue drinking. like a fish.
i start wellbutrin tomorrow. if you are one of my friends. and you notice a difference in the way i behave and my attitude. let me know. i dont want to continue taking something that does nothing.
i told my mom something the other day that NOONE else knows. something about my childhood. and i regret doing so. she has so much on her plate now. that i feel bad about it cuz now she feels like all of my problems are her fault.
therapists are for the birds. i need answers. not a head nodd. head nodds dont make me feel better.
so. about this past weekend. how interesting it was. well friday some ppl that i know from TU said they were getting drinks at random bars. one of which was ashleys station. stac and i decide to go to rubys to get dinner and some martinis. did that. got a lil tingly ;] but while we were there a friend of hers called her up and asked her to go to ashleys station. we were already going so of course she was like see you there. told my friend alex previously that i would be buying him drinks for his birthday that past. picked him up. got a call saying not to go to ashleys bc 'they didnt want the drama'. made me so fucking heated. I AM A FUCKING ADULT. ITS A SCARY THOUGHT. BUT YES, ITS TRUE. i do know what to say and what to do. i would like to think of myself as an intelligent individual. the damage has already done. its not like im seeing dude for the first thing hanging on some chicks cock. hello. been there done that. so anways, headed for ashleys. got the call that ashleys was x'ed w the TU crew. um. oh well we were already on our damn way. and i wanted to make the point that IM NOT A FUCKING PSYCHO! i have issues people! BUT IM NOT STABBING ANYONE TONIGHT!!! lmao. we get there. shots and beers too quickly. lol. everything was gravy. no drama. then i hear something along the lines of 'sorry he is seeing someone else' -- 'ok..WHO WANTS A SHOT...MISS!! I NEED SOME SHOTS!!' lmao.as we were leaving. i see him. i think. no drama..no drama...no drama. AND ! no drama it was! but stacie could tell that i was confused with my emotions. i didnt know whether to cry or scream, etc. we had good convos in the car ride to lightning jacks though that actually made me feel better =] stacie and alex <3. we get to jacks im already pretty fucking lit. same w stac. i must have had at least 4 kahulas n creams and who the fuck knows what kinda shots. we walked out at the end of the night...sat on the curb and started prayin that we could get back up. lmao. funny ass shit. got back to alexs and all i remember was chillin talkin and straight passin out on his floor next to his bed~!@ lmao. i woke up to a pillow and blanket on me <3 so cute. yea but i woke up for the wrong fucking reasons!@# some bitches prank calling me at 1030 am~!@ WTF. its all good though i turned that bitch on silent. they kept callin - i kept sleepin. =D
i felt like asshole the next day. my liver is starting to hate me. me and stac rolled out around 230. went to the mall. grabbed some grub and bought some clothes for the night. i got my fucking 'aunt red' at the fucking mall. i was in mucho pain. i had no fucking idea how i was going to make it out that night. i needed pain killers bad ass hell. i called everyone i knew. and got some strings pulled and had me a pain killer! i even had my mom on the hunt cuz when i have PMS that shit is serious. so i ended up goin down hammers w stac and met up w alex and shane. saw some people that cheered me up! and some of the bartenders that i have classes with. overall it was a pretty chill night. glen is great at the end of a drunken night!! that man is a funny ass dude. tellin people to get some rooms in the parking lots. lmao. haten ass<3 go head playa w ur red collaaaaaaaaa. me and stac ended up down dennys in GB but that shit was tooooooooo packed so we decided to head up towson. we both had buffalo chicken sammys. good ass hell. i didnt even eat it. i INHALED IT. we were supposed to go down crofton afterwards to meet up w some ppl but after i inhaled that all i could think about was sleep. i couldnt even keep my eyes open.
i heard the news about my gran that sunday morning. so i did a big bunch of nothing that day.
monday was ravens MNF. i was so fucking pumped all day. i was so depressed about my gran but MNF kept me alive. haha. that sounds sooooooooo bad. michelle and i went to the store, got booze, pizza, wings, and moz sticks to get prepared. we had a good ass time then i was yellin so fucking bad i got a bad headache. i was so fucking upset that they lost. man i wanna kill boller. fuck the chiefs. ray was lackin that game. i was disappointed.
oct 26. SHIT!
fuck some ginuwine differences. and some usher you got it bad. they can burn in hell. 'YOU GO TO HELL. YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!!' i watched chris rock on comedy central the other day. i havent laughed like that in a min. shit was serious too. yall need to see it.
whit. you still going to rodos this sat? hit me up.
im out.
"needed us more :: when we wanted us less :: i could not kiss just regress :: it might just be :: clear simple and plain :: that's just fine :: that's just one of my names :: don't let the days go by :: could've been easier on you :: glycerine"
haha. listen to number 12 - bush - sixteen stone.
REMEMBER: STAY ABSTINENT IN NOVEMBER -- NO BUSHES OR DICKS!!