all of the things I think and keep thinking
wandering room to room, stray hair sticks to pillows, falls to the floor. it lingers in bath tubs, sinks, coats, hands. it's my signature. the mark I leave on a room after I've left it. thick, long, dark strands of dead cells. smoothed cuticles and split ends.
you don't even know the ways I've changed, I'm so reserved, so held back. so afraid. I've learned to love, learned to rest my head on a shoulder, learned to pull on a shirt, to pull a face closer, to make lips graze skin. but not yours. for years all I've wanted is to love you. that love is impossible. I can love you for every fiber of your being, for all of the things you can be, all the things you were, and all the things you are. you take all of the ugly fucked up parts with all of the shining, glorious ones. that love comes so easy. I've never been able to let it go, even when you were dead in my mind. it's the ability to be unabashedly in love with you that has always been such a struggle. the fear that one small thing would send you in the other direction. the fear that you'd grow bored. the fear that it wouldn't be enough. the fear that I was just an annoyance. the fear of feeling the same pains over again, because I know how it goes. holding you an arms length away contributed, I'm sure. anyhow, reasons don't matter. I'm always justifying it, making it okay for these fucked up things to happen. for history to repeat itself.
there is no good reason for this. sometimes I feel so small, so unimportant, like I am replaceable, and not really important, or special. but I am. I just have to wake up and see it. not many people will drive a hundred miles for chicken nuggets. not many people will buy their friends 60 dollar jeans because they make someone feel better. not many people will wake up on their day off and clean an entire apartment just because it makes a better place for a person to live. by no means am I perfect. I have strange social neuroses. I have some residual issues left over from a fucked up childhood and adolesence. but I'm working through it, I have the spirit of a fighter. all of these things disappear and fade away when I feel loved and respected. those awkward laughs turn into brilliant bursts of sweetness, and a sparkle in my eye. I need to remind myself of these things, instead of always feeling inadequate, as though I don't deserve the world, and a million beautiful stories.
today I wanted a bundle of dope. something to numb it out. to reset myself to a feeling of peace, even if it was a lie. i fantasized about never coming out of that dream world. living in limbo. caught in the middle world. i know this is an unacceptable answer, but god does it make music sound so sweet. punch in, fade out.
i just wanted it to work this time.
edit -- 6.08.05 - 5:50PM:
a word to the wise: don't open your mouth too soon. jumping to conclusions is a bad idea, even if the mat from Office Space looked like fun.
you don't even know the ways I've changed, I'm so reserved, so held back. so afraid. I've learned to love, learned to rest my head on a shoulder, learned to pull on a shirt, to pull a face closer, to make lips graze skin. but not yours. for years all I've wanted is to love you. that love is impossible. I can love you for every fiber of your being, for all of the things you can be, all the things you were, and all the things you are. you take all of the ugly fucked up parts with all of the shining, glorious ones. that love comes so easy. I've never been able to let it go, even when you were dead in my mind. it's the ability to be unabashedly in love with you that has always been such a struggle. the fear that one small thing would send you in the other direction. the fear that you'd grow bored. the fear that it wouldn't be enough. the fear that I was just an annoyance. the fear of feeling the same pains over again, because I know how it goes. holding you an arms length away contributed, I'm sure. anyhow, reasons don't matter. I'm always justifying it, making it okay for these fucked up things to happen. for history to repeat itself.
there is no good reason for this. sometimes I feel so small, so unimportant, like I am replaceable, and not really important, or special. but I am. I just have to wake up and see it. not many people will drive a hundred miles for chicken nuggets. not many people will buy their friends 60 dollar jeans because they make someone feel better. not many people will wake up on their day off and clean an entire apartment just because it makes a better place for a person to live. by no means am I perfect. I have strange social neuroses. I have some residual issues left over from a fucked up childhood and adolesence. but I'm working through it, I have the spirit of a fighter. all of these things disappear and fade away when I feel loved and respected. those awkward laughs turn into brilliant bursts of sweetness, and a sparkle in my eye. I need to remind myself of these things, instead of always feeling inadequate, as though I don't deserve the world, and a million beautiful stories.
today I wanted a bundle of dope. something to numb it out. to reset myself to a feeling of peace, even if it was a lie. i fantasized about never coming out of that dream world. living in limbo. caught in the middle world. i know this is an unacceptable answer, but god does it make music sound so sweet. punch in, fade out.
i just wanted it to work this time.
edit -- 6.08.05 - 5:50PM:
a word to the wise: don't open your mouth too soon. jumping to conclusions is a bad idea, even if the mat from Office Space looked like fun.