relationship timeline
So everything sucks.
I think I've basically fucked everything up for Gunther and Likesta. Finding a safe three bedroom apartment is hard fucking work. And I am royally pissed that, after four hours of online searching, I have only found six appropriate apartment complexes. We need three bedrooms and two baths. Why is that so hard to find? They have two bedrooms and two baths, they also have three bedrooms and one bath, but there is no middle ground. I'm starting to think two things: A) the place with the weird manager who hit on Heather is starting to look not as bad as it did at first. B) is Guadaloupe really that far from school? Plus, I'm starting not to care how far away we have to live, because I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE. Period. I will pay. Through the nose. Just get me out.
The family is on my nerves like you wouldn't believe. Can I honestly take another year of this? Maybe, if Gunther and Likesta decide on a two bedroom, I can secretly move in with the Boyfriend. You know, pay no money but sleep there every night. With him. On a twin bed. Eh, he probably wouldn't go for it anyway.
Speaking of the Boyfriend -- I tell ya, having to say out loud everything he's done: makes me not so happy. I had to relay the entire situation to Gunther and Likesta amid boos and hissing and, although I didn't cry, my voice did tremble on occassion. I do love him though. It's just that thing after thing has been going wrong for the past three months. Is this all just a coincidence -- a "rough patch" so to speak-- or a preview of things to come?
Timeline:
- he sets his sights on Gunther before honing in on me, and I remain none the wiser until our breakup months later
- we can't get our first date to work
- I find out, and am uncomfortable about the fact that he is still best friends with his ex girlfriend, Andrea
- I initiate our first kiss with clever hints etc.
- roomate walks in on us. I am topless (but underneath the sheets, Thank God).
- we have sex for first time, but can't finish the deed because he has a broken wrist that is causing him lots of pain (this is before he even saw a doctor, so I don't really blame him)
- he, as a result of something I won't mention, makes me feel undesirable, betrayed, and lied to at every turn
- I tell him his ex is still in love with him (woman's intuition -- bah! What girl stays friends with an ex unless there really wasn't much there to begin with or she is still in love with him?) and he asks her if she is. She (duh!) says she does. He is weird the rest of the night. The next day he is still weird. We fight/cry together and he promises me that he will never leave me for her/that I am better than her/that he doesn't want her/etc. Everything seems better for a couple of days.
- he texts me and says that I am "pushing him away" and that he is "missing Andrea more than [he] should." Then he acts surprised that I find this hurtful and says things like, "fine, I won't tell you the truth anymore."
- the next day he breaks up with me online, therefore breaking two promises he made
- he breaks the third, and last, promise of the relationship
- I go to his place to drop off a few of his things. He doesn't answer when I knock. He hides in his room when I put them in the living room then says he didn't hear me knock, but he has to go because he was just about to leave to take a drive. What the fuck?
- he talks to Andrea. She doesn't want him. He then decides he wants me back
- I decide we can get back together if it is unexclusive and I can still date other people. He reluctantly agrees
- I decide I want hot breakup sex. He refuses to do so until I am his exclusive girlfriend once more. I decide an exclusive relationship is the way to go and everything is gravy for a while
- he decides it is a good idea to leave for three weeks and heads off to Petaluma to see his friends
- he breaks his promise
- he sees Andrea and doesn't tell me. I have to find out for myself by reading his LJ
- he decides to hand his phone over to his friends so that I have to talk to them, despite his knowledge of my phone phobia and dislike of new and/or unfamiliar people
- I call him last night and he says I make him feel like a jerk when he is not. He then refuses to talk to me. I respond by writing this entry
Now, keep in mind: this is only a timeline of the bad things in the relationship. There were tons of nice, sweet things in between, I'm sure. In fact, he wrote me a poem, burned me two CDs, made me two cards, and has offered to come home early from Petaluma on multiple occassions. Plus he always remembers everything I say, and even remembers our anniversary when I don't. Oh, and I'm madly in love with him. I almost forgot to mention that little detail.
It's like he has two, very different personalities. The Boy I Want To Be With, and The Boy I Don't. If I could just seperate the two... This list does not mean that I do not love this kid with all my heart. Do not think that for even a second. I love him. Very much. So much that at times it hurts. Very much.
Now, I have tried very hard to make this list nothing but truthful and un-biased (you'll notice that not everything on the list is the Boyfriend's fault). I think the only thing the Boyfriend would disagree with is the very first one (about him wanting Gunther); he wouldn't be able to deny anything else. Oh, he might deny that he wasn't actually going for a drive. He still maintains that I just caught him at a time when he was going to take a drive. But, either way, he was still going to drive instead of being with me. So, it doesn't really matter if he was lying or not.
Everytime I feel that I am ready to put the past behind me and start fresh, something else happens and all the pain from every minor hurt just comes pouring back in. And I know I make him feel like a jerk. I might be a jerk for making him feel like a jerk. That would make us even. I think... But, this is my first "serious" relationship, so give me a break. I am a relationship newbie. I'm still learning the ropes. Maybe someday I will learn how to permanently move on, but today is not that day. So, instead of just dealing with the recent hurts, I'm overwhelmed with all of them in their entirety. And I am sad. So very, very sad.