And as Mysteries and Miracles Befall Us

[pen_strokes]

Title: And as Mysteries and Miracles Befall Us
Fandom: Original
Rating: PG
Warnings: none
Summary: She’s a traveler. He’s a storyteller. It shouldn’t work, but it does.
Notes: Written for the June week 4 challenge at brigits_flame, theme “thousand island.” Title and quote from the musical “Once on this Island.”

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Comments

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[harlotbug3]

[Morning. This could be the last I see of the flame for a week or so. My wife’s father and stepmother live in Indiana and they want to see Californians. If I start rambling about Whitecastle burgers and fireworks instead of [editing] your work, I apologize in advance

[psychrolute]

Wow. This was just so rich; really wonderful story-telling. I love the parallelism in the first two sections, their scenes on the island, the contious use of storytelling and journeying as devices to describe their relationship. This was my favorite line: "She's had a key for sixty years already, but when she lets him in for the first time, it makes them both smile." Also that you could tell the story of thier lives in a very short, simple space. Inspiring. :]

[amri]

I loved this. It was a simple story but with the word choice and the different perspectives - it made it so lovely.

[cedarwolfsinger]

Lovely story. I love the verses at the start. I also love that she moves away and he stays... he is her anchor, she always comes back. It is very beautiful and hopeful. Thank you.

Edits

[jamais_toujours]

Heya, I'm your other editor for this piece :).

I loved this piece. The relationship between the couple is unique and very sweet. I like how their different ambitions in life don't divide them, but rather pull them closer together. They balance each other out.

The following are the suggestions I have:

1. She’s going to keep walking, until there’s nowhere else to go/He’s going to tell stories, until there are no more to tell. - I'd leave out the comma in both if these sentences. It sounded awkward to me when I read it.

2. “I don’t stay in one place very long,” she says, putting on her boots and buttoning his shirt for him. - I'd leave out the part about buttoning his shirt, there's too much action going on otherwise.

3. “The best,” she says, and they make their final journey together. - I agree with harlotbug3 about ending the piece after "she says". The rest of the sentence seems a bit forced compared to how well the piece flowed.

Great job and good luck next month.