Touch of a Velvet Hand

[pen_strokes]

Title: Touch of a Velvet Hand
Fandom: Original (Supernatural, if you squint)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: alcohol, violence
Summary: She cares because she’s paid to, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel sorry for them.
Notes: Written for the March week 2 challenge at brigits_flame, theme “happiness in a bottle”. Title taken from “Happiness is a Warm Gun”, which you can

Comments

Edit 2

[harlotbug3]

His words are starting to slur. About time, she thinks, six shots in, [but he’s a big guy, no surprise it’s taken this long-not an important example of whether or not she’s prone to second guess her thoughts.]. “He’s not really gone,” she begins, trying to offer some manner of comfort [not served in a glass=too blunt]. “He’s still with you, in

Re: Edit 2

[kuhori_rei]

Oh my goodness gracious, that's a hell of an edit. :) Thanks!

I actually just decided to scrap the whole last line. It was a little blah and people don't seem to like it much.

[taste_is_sweet]

I didn't have to squint so much as to narrow my eyes slightly, but then I'm familiar with the fandom. ;->

Really well done. You have a deft hand with the original characters, especially as it seems to become exponentially harder to avoid Mary-Sues as soon as your dealing with fanfic. I wasn't expecting not to like the narrator, but it was still great that you made liking her easy.

I don't know SPN well enough to speak to the characters specifically, but Sam's pain worked really well for me from what I know of the show's arc. I like how you subtly imply that Dean's worse off than just dead, too. :)

[kuhori_rei]

Hee. I think the fact that she didn't hook up with Sam made it a lot easier for you to like her. ;) But I had this idea around the same time as we got the prompt, so I wanted to make it work for this week's entry. I didn't want it to be totally fanfiction-y, so I tried to write it with an outside perspective. :)

Thanks!

Edits!

[jamais_toujours]

Heya, I'm your other editor for this piece :).

This is a great piece. The descriptions, the dialogue, the characters, the emotion - everything is realistic, powerful and very well written. I love how you don't waste words in long-winded descriptions, but give just enough detail to make it matter. You've got great talent, and it shows.

I would have liked a slightly more detailed description of Casey though. I could picture the man and his girlfriend quite clearly, and would have liked to have been able to do so for Casey too. Also, I think the last line might be laboring the message of the story a little too much. I'd try for a slightly more subtle way to finish it off to avoid it becoming too "preachy".

I've read over the piece a few times and I can't find anything wrong mechanics wise. I look forward to reading more from you :).

Re: Edits!

[kuhori_rei]

Thank you!

The story wasn't really meant to be too much about Casey, which was why I didn't linger overmuch on her character. If I decide to go back and revisit this--which is always a possibility--I'll probably work on her a bit more.

:)