Men do not cry. Men do not pout. Men jack you in the fuckin' jaw and say: Thanks for comin' out.
So, The A-Team, The Losers and The Expendables... .
All three flicks look like rip off's of each other, this isn't necessarily a bad thing but it's true. I imagine that a bunch of dudes in suits were sitting around a big table somewhere in Hollywood and I imagine their conversation went something like this:
Suit 1: The kids these days seem to like remakes of classic 70's-90's entertainment and I liked The A-Team, I hereby greenlight an A-Team reboot.
Suit 2: No no, the kids like comic book movies, that movie that spider movie in did pretty well right? *googles comics that have yet to be made into films* I hereby Greenlight The Losers! Do you think We can get someone from Star Trek to be in it?
Suit 3: No no! You're both wrong! The kids these days like violence FOR THE PURE HOLIDAY JOY OF IT!! And movie heroes of decades past! I hereby greenlight something with Sly Stallone! Oh AND Jet Li, AND Jason Statham, AND Bruce Willis, AND Arnold Schwarzenegger, AND Mickey Rourke, AND Eric Roberts, AND Santa Clause, AND Han Solo, AND Indiana Jones, AND Jean-Claude Van Damme, AND Chuck Norris, AND JESUS!!
Suit 4: *Coke!snort*
ANYWAY...
The A-Team:
Release The Kraken
Okay so, Full Disclosure: I didn't like show. It was seriously not my bag so I might be judging it a little harshly but the awesomeness of Liam Neeson and Patrick Wilson are not enough to make 4 dudes fighting crime out of the back of a rape van less gay. Also, Sharlto Copley: I'm disappointed in you! How could you go from District 9 to this shit?! The thing that gets me really worried though is the fact that they dressed up some poor dude like Mr. T! I may be reaching here but I'm pretty sure that that violates something in the constitution somewhere.
All that aside, I'm still gonna see this. I might wait for it to turn up at the dollar theatre but it'll be fun if nothing else and as critical as I am I don't really need much else out of a flick.
The Expendables:
Are you sure you're not in it? Hell, I'm in it.
Man, the Trailer for this should have just been white print on a black screen that said this:
Sly Stalone. Jet Li. Jason Statham. Bruce Willis. Eric Roberts. and Mickey Rourke. Fuck. Shit. Up. Don't even pretend that you don't want to see this.
I think that that would have been a better trailer. I am beyond stoked for this flick because... well did you read the transcript of my trailer? Okay, well add Arnold Schwarzenegger to that. Obvious really.
The Losers:
Everyone Else Is Dead Of AWESOME.
Full Disclosure part deux: I would have seen this flick even if it looked like shit. Why you ask? Well let me explain: Jeffrey. Dean. Morgan. Also, Zoe Saldana. ALSO, Chris Evans (No, I will not apologize for my love of Push). Yeah, people: John Winchester, Lt. Uhura and Captain Goddamned America. How are YOU not MORE stoked for this?! Obviously there is something the matter with you.
Anyway, beyond my spastic fangirling over the cast, I think this looks, hands down, like the best of the three. I am willing to admit a certain amount of bias but this seems to me like the far more watchable lovechild of the other two.
The thing is, if these weren't all coming out within 2 months of each other I wouldn't even blink at the similarities.
All three flicks look like rip off's of each other, this isn't necessarily a bad thing but it's true. I imagine that a bunch of dudes in suits were sitting around a big table somewhere in Hollywood and I imagine their conversation went something like this:
Suit 1: The kids these days seem to like remakes of classic 70's-90's entertainment and I liked The A-Team, I hereby greenlight an A-Team reboot.
Suit 2: No no, the kids like comic book movies, that movie that spider movie in did pretty well right? *googles comics that have yet to be made into films* I hereby Greenlight The Losers! Do you think We can get someone from Star Trek to be in it?
Suit 3: No no! You're both wrong! The kids these days like violence FOR THE PURE HOLIDAY JOY OF IT!! And movie heroes of decades past! I hereby greenlight something with Sly Stallone! Oh AND Jet Li, AND Jason Statham, AND Bruce Willis, AND Arnold Schwarzenegger, AND Mickey Rourke, AND Eric Roberts, AND Santa Clause, AND Han Solo, AND Indiana Jones, AND Jean-Claude Van Damme, AND Chuck Norris, AND JESUS!!
Suit 4: *Coke!snort*
ANYWAY...
The A-Team:
Release The Kraken
Okay so, Full Disclosure: I didn't like show. It was seriously not my bag so I might be judging it a little harshly but the awesomeness of Liam Neeson and Patrick Wilson are not enough to make 4 dudes fighting crime out of the back of a rape van less gay. Also, Sharlto Copley: I'm disappointed in you! How could you go from District 9 to this shit?! The thing that gets me really worried though is the fact that they dressed up some poor dude like Mr. T! I may be reaching here but I'm pretty sure that that violates something in the constitution somewhere.
All that aside, I'm still gonna see this. I might wait for it to turn up at the dollar theatre but it'll be fun if nothing else and as critical as I am I don't really need much else out of a flick.
The Expendables:
Click to view
Are you sure you're not in it? Hell, I'm in it.
Man, the Trailer for this should have just been white print on a black screen that said this:
Sly Stalone. Jet Li. Jason Statham. Bruce Willis. Eric Roberts. and Mickey Rourke. Fuck. Shit. Up. Don't even pretend that you don't want to see this.
I think that that would have been a better trailer. I am beyond stoked for this flick because... well did you read the transcript of my trailer? Okay, well add Arnold Schwarzenegger to that. Obvious really.
The Losers:
Everyone Else Is Dead Of AWESOME.
Full Disclosure part deux: I would have seen this flick even if it looked like shit. Why you ask? Well let me explain: Jeffrey. Dean. Morgan. Also, Zoe Saldana. ALSO, Chris Evans (No, I will not apologize for my love of Push). Yeah, people: John Winchester, Lt. Uhura and Captain Goddamned America. How are YOU not MORE stoked for this?! Obviously there is something the matter with you.
Anyway, beyond my spastic fangirling over the cast, I think this looks, hands down, like the best of the three. I am willing to admit a certain amount of bias but this seems to me like the far more watchable lovechild of the other two.
The thing is, if these weren't all coming out within 2 months of each other I wouldn't even blink at the similarities.