i wrote a play and you might just be in it.
i wrote a play. how much ass do i kick. it may suck but this is officially my first finished piece... EVER. copywright Jan 2005.
Heidi, Sarah, and Jes are all sitting on Sarah's bed eating macaroni and cheese, and drinking non-alcoholic margaritas.
Sarah: I've decided to drop the "h" off my name.
Heidi: Why?
Sarah: Because it looks cooler that way. And this way it's more original. And not trendy. I hate being trendy. Fucking trendy people with their stupid "h"s at the ed of their names. They're all bastards and I hate them all.
Heidi: That's not cool. You shouldnt hate anyone. You should just love everyone instead. Let's go to California. the beach. Right now. We'll get in my volvo and drive away and not have a care in the whole wide peaceful world.
Sarah: Shut up. I hate you. I hate everything. Reaches over to opens her dresser drawer, takes out a flask, and pours it into her newly devirgined margarita.
Jes begins to sob softly into her pillow.
Sara-h: What the hell is your problem?
Jes: You hate... (sniffle)...Me?
Sara-h: Well I did say everything, didnt I? That would include you. GOD. And stop sniveling. You're giving me a headache.
Jes: oh god, im sorry. I dont want to be a bother to you. I dont want to bother anything. God I'm so sorry you have no idea. Let's go to ihop and get coffee and bacon and eggs.
Sara-h: I don’t eat bacon.
Heidi: You don’t?
Sara-h: No. Stupid. I'm a vegetarian, remember?
Heidi: Oh yeah. Of course you dont. I forgot.
Enter Daniel:
Daniel: yo yo yo homie yo homie yo!
Jes: Daniel! I love you! Wipes away tears and runs up to hug her man, pointing at Daniel: Sara with no "h" says she hates me!
Daniel: Damn homie dat shit is LOW! I'ma bouta bussa kappa in yo bitch'zzz ass der if she keep playin' you like dat. WERD.
Heidi: That's not cool..."yo". Nobody should hate. Let's just love each other. Come on, who wants to go on a road trip?
Sara-h: (Who is now blind drunk) No one wants to take a muther....fuuu-uhh-chin rooooad trip with YOU, little misssssy.(Falls off bed) Hahahahaha... hey. Ya know what's a funny word? 'Road'. Roooo-oo-aahhh-ad. Road road road road...
Heidi: Hey... Sar have you been drinking? (sniffs her breath questioningly) Hey. You ARE drunk! …That… is… so… cool! Give me some of that shit! (Grabs flask out out of the drawer and chugs it back.)
Daniel: Yo that shiznit is mutherfuckin stoopid, dawg. I'm outta dis crib. (To Jes) Yo muh womAN! you comin with me o aint yas? Lets go make out at my place.
Jes: YES! and then afterwards I'll go home and write it in my journal. Then I'm going to paint Sara's face, only without the angry expression she has now. (holds up mac and cheese box) Hey, can I take this? I'm going to put it in my scrapbook.
Arm in arm, Daniel and Jes and the cheese box exit. Enter Ricky.
Ricky: Hey! I got lotsa pot! I got dreds, so I smoke pot! Hey, im gonna go get something pierced!
Exit Ricky.
Heidi: (well on her way to drunksville) I want pot, and coke. I love getting high. But my boyfriend wont let me. God I love my boyfriend. We’re gonna get married and have eight children.
Sara-h: (still obliterated) I hate your boyfriend.
Enter Mark Venker and Chris Littler.
Mark: Lookit all my facial hair I got now!
Chris: Hey… Congraduations, Venker! Let’s celebrate.
Heidi: Yeah! We should go to your million dollar beach house and drink tequila.
Mark: And then we can smoke some shit and GIT NAKED!!!
Jes opens the door and peeks her head around the corner.
Jes: Hey, can I come too? I want something to write about in Journal #59.
Everyone: SURE!!!
Chris: We should take off our pants first!
Mark: Yeah! Then we’ll get behind the wheel!!!
Everyone: (begins clapping their hands in happiness) OKAY!! YIPPEEEE!
Everyone takes off their pants and throws them on the floor.
Enter Bj.
Bj: Hey everyone! Nice packages! Don’t eat meat!
Exit Bj.
Jes: (with tears in her eyes) Man, this is such a great day. I hope it lasts forever.
Heidi finishes off the flask and throws in on top of the pile of pants.
Heidi: (slurring her speech slightly more than necessary) Hey, where’d Sara with no “h” go? She was sitting on the bed just a minute ago.
Everyone looks around, confused.
Sara-h: (in a muffled voice) Someone help me! I fell under the bed!
Jes: Hey…. Wait a sec… Sar, are you DRUNK?
Everyone: (To Jes) NO SHIT SHERLOCK!
Jes: (timidly) Can… ca… do you think… umm…
Sara-h: (pulling herself out from under the bed) JUST SAY IT JES! You wanna get drunk, don’t ya??? Come on we’ll get you good and shitfaced.
Heidi: I’m way ahead of ya. (Takes out a vodka bottle from her underwear and unscrews the cap)
Chris: Hey, where’d you get that?
Heidi: Hmmm… I don’t remember. Anyway, drink up, Jessera!
Jes: (takes the bottle and starts drinking it like water.) Hey, this is gooooood! It’s like there’s a party in my mouth and only sluts and whores are invited! Who wants to do it on Sara-with-no-”h”s- mom’s couch?
Mark: Oh, me me me me me me me!!! I do!
Jes and Mark exit into the living room. Thumping and laughter is heard consistently for the next several minutes.
Chris: (bewildered) Wow. Didn’t take much to get Jes all fired up, did it?
Heidi: Yeah, especially since it was only a bottle of water.
Chris: Man, oh man. That shit is DY-NO-MITE!
Enter Ricky.
Ricky: Man, am I stoned! Look babe, I got my eyelids pierced!! Hey, there’s two kids fucking on your couch. You know that?
Sar and Heidi: Can we go now? We’re half naked and half buzzed. We better get this show on the road.
Sara-h: road road road road….
Ricky, a drunk Sar, a buzzed Heidi, and a slightly-annoyed-with-life-Chris all exit Sar’s room and head into the living room, only to find Mark in the kitchen making himself a sandwich in his boxers, and Jes sprawled out on the couch smoking a fatty cigar.
Chris: You guys are done? That was two minutes!
Jes: (taking a long drag of her smoke) Yeah. Two FANTASTIC MINUTES!!! Man oh man am I ever drunk as shit!
Mark: Can we celebrate my facial hair now??
Chris: Yes. Yes we can. Lets a get a goin!!!Chris, Mark with sandwich in hand, Jes, Sar, Heidi, and Ricky all walk out the door and get into a giant minivan parked outside the driveway. They all climb in.
Heidi: Yay! Road trip!!! (Looks around questioningly) Hey. where did this van come from? And why are we moving when NOBODY IS DRIVING???
duhn-duhn DUUUUHHN.
end of ACT I