(no subject)
Just got back from future sis-in-law's lingerie shower. Am pretty worn out. Feeling like the spinster sister who they were obligated to invite will do that to you. Doesn't help that I refused to buy her anything skanky. It wasn't really the ick factor of her eventually wearing it for one of my little brothers, it was more just a creepiness thing. Also why I didn't feel; comfortable being too enthusiastically nasty during the party. Pretty much came off as a virgin!prude...if only they knew about the yaoi...
I did want to enjoy it, because I doubt I'll ever have one. It was entertaining when the tornado sirens went off in the middle of it...until she decided to use that time to...er...model her gifts for us. Wierdness strikes again.
It's not that I don't have prospects. It's more...when someone asks, it never feels right, so I say no. Meanwhile my fantasies get bigger and bigger. I used to be completely convinced I was picky because there was someone amazing out there for me, and I'm too practical to waste time on someone who's not going to be around for a while. Now I get the feeling it's too late - that I'm one of those girls who was too caught up in little-girl dreams. Still I can't bring myself to compromise. Just, no. No no no no no. I'm definitly not asexual, but I do have problems freezing up whenever placed in the kind of situation where something could develop. Romantically speaking, a lot of what I write for Aya is far too close to home. To get through to me, someone would have to be as goal oriented and genuine as I write Yohji. There would also have to be some sort of instant connection, which doesn't happen often with me, but does occur from time to time.
There's a guy at work who may be interested in me. There's also a few guys I could reconnect with using facebook...and one very special guy I'll be reunited with at my brother's wedding next month...but I really don't see any of that happening. Sometimes it feels like there's this choice, and option A will lead me to the "normal" life, such as what my parents have, which while mundane isn't really all that bad. Option B involves all or some of my dreams turning out to be the wierd precognition thing that tends to sporadically happen to me, and me having a very wonderful I told you so moment with the world. Option C involves cats. Lots and lots of cats.
Of the three, I think C is the most likely and least desired, while B is the least likely and most desired. But A really sounds miserable and, somehow, feels like it closes the door on B forever, and some days sounds even worse than C.
Yes, I realize I sound like a rambling crazy person. It's almost 1 am, and I've been up since 5:30. More, I've been up and running all day, with only a few moments of privacy and peace. Let's blame that.
I'll regret this post in the morning.