The Most Awkward Place on Earth
“Disneyland!” The Doctor announced as he pulled open the TARDIS doors. “Perfect place for a family to relax and have some fun!” He turned to see Amy and Rory looking rather unhappy. River appeared amused, but seemed concerned as she glanced at her parents. The Doctor’s face fell. “What? Have you been?”
Rory and Amy shook their heads. River said, “I have.” All three looked at her. “Spoilers,” said in her sing-song voice as she winked at the Doctor.
“Come along, Ponds! You’ll soon get into the spirit of things!” He marched out of the TARDIS humming some annoyingly catchy Disney tune.
River turned to Amy and Rory. “Shall we?”
Rory glanced at Amy and said, “Well, I suppose we have no choice. He won’t come back in until we go, will he?”
“Probably not,” River agreed.
As they exited the TARDIS, they found themselves in the train station at the head of Main Street. As if on cue, the steam engine whistle blew as it pulled into the station. They spotted the Doctor several feet away, practically dancing on the spot from excitement.
“Look! The Castle!” he exclaimed as they walked up beside him. His eyes sparkled with the new-found wonder of a child. “It’s like we’re in… Mickey’s house!” He paused for a moment. “Oh, yes! Nearly forgot! Wait here just one moment, I’ll be right back!” With that, the Doctor skipped off.
“So, you’ve been here?” Rory asked once the Doctor was out of earshot. “When?”
“Well, the Doctor is the oldest child in the universe. Bless. Don’t you think this place would be on his list to visit more than once?”
Rory considered it for a moment and nodded in agreement with River.
“I just hope he doesn’t - oh, dear…” River spotted the Doctor coming through the crowd. He had a silly grin on his face and a black beanie topped on either side by black plastic discs on his head.
“What are you wearing?” River demanded.
“What? These? They’re mouse ears… see, Mickey has these big…”
“Yes, I know what mouse ears are,” River interrupted, “why did you get them?”
“I like them.” He replied as he straightened the hat. “They’re cool.”
River shook her head and reached for them. The Doctor grabbed the ears and held them tightly on his head, forcing his floppy hair down over his eyes. “Aw, River, come on, let me keep them. It’s practically required to wear them here!”
“Maybe if you’re five.” She watched him brush some of the hair away from one eye and peer at her sadly. She sighed. How in the world was she supposed to resist that? “Alright. Just for today.”
The Doctor smiled brightly at River then asked, “What first?”
“Why don’t we just walk and see where we end up?” Rory suggested.
“Excellent plan! Fun walky family time at Disneyland! Let’s go!” The Doctor headed down Main Street almost skipping.
“He really is trying way too hard,” River commented quietly to Rory, who nodded in return.
The smell of warm cookies and freshly-baked waffle cones filled the air as they passed the bakery and ice cream parlor. River paused and took a deep breath, inhaling the scent. “Hm, does ice cream sound good to anyone else?”
“Ice cream!” The Doctor exclaimed and clapped his hands. “Yes! Excellent family-type activity there! Who wants ice cream? I want ice cream! Or better yet, custard! I wonder if they have custard… Mmm… custard…” He wandered into the shop with the trio close behind.
They exited the shop a few minutes later - Amy and Rory empty-handed, River with a vanilla cone and the Doctor with a small cup of pudding. “Pudding isn’t custard!” he complained.
“I know, sweetie, but that’s all they had. You’re just going to have to live with it.” River turned to Rory and Amy. “Are you sure you didn’t want anything?”
“We’re fine,” Rory said and Amy nodded mutely.
They found a table in a quiet corner and sat down, River and the Doctor on one side across from Rory and Amy. They sat in silence for a while before Amy took the park map from Rory, unfolded it and disappeared behind it. A hissing sound came from behind the map. Rory shrugged at the Doctor and leaned down behind the map with Amy.
The Doctor stared at his pudding cup, wondering if any place nearby sold fish fingers and if they were as good with pudding when he felt a tap on his toe. He looked up to see River take a long, slow lick of her ice cream as she locked him into her gaze. His eyes widened and he shot a nervous look at the map that separated them from her parents.
River gave him a flirty little smirk when he turned his attention back to her. She crossed her legs so she could hook her foot around the back of the Doctor’s knee bend. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat as he watched her lightly run her tongue around the edge of the cone.
She took the Doctor’s hand and placed it on her thigh as she raised the cone and sucked gently at the melting ice cream that dripped from the tip. The Doctor inhaled sharply and grasped the edge of the table with his other hand, causing it to rock slightly.
Rory peered out from behind the map at the disturbance and saw the same seductive gaze his wife gave him mirrored in his daughter’s face as she eyed the Doctor. He looked under the table to see River’s foot hooked around the Doctor’s knee bend and his hand on her thigh. He looked back up, stunned, at River and the Doctor.
Amy glanced up at Rory then followed his shocked stare across the table. “Oi! Spaceman!” She said loudly as she slammed the map down on the table. “That’s my daughter you’re flirting with!”
The Doctor sputtered, “What? Me? No! I-I-I-I… I’m not! She… the ice cream… she started it!”
“Come now mother, I am a grown woman.”
“You were a baby a… a… couple months ago! I was just holding you!”
“You also met me before I was even born. It’s the life of a time traveler.”
“Oh my god, when I met her! I told him to sonic her, didn’t I? SONIC her? Really? Rory, do you know what that sounds like? I encouraged this!”
“Spoi…” River started before she was interrupted.
The Doctor turned several shades of red as he wrung his hands nervously and fidgeted with his bow tie. “You didn’t tell me to sonic her! You said I soniced her, but I didn’t! I mean, yes, I may have pointed my sonic at her, but she asked for it! No, no, not like that, not that sonic! I mean, not like you mean, I mean I haven’t soniced her like that!”
“Not yet…” River supplied, rather unhelpfully.
Amy leaned toward the Doctor, her eyes narrowed. “Ooh, if I had a gun right now…”
“There, see? I get it honestly,” River said as she suppressed a grin. She actually seemed to be quite enjoying the whole thing. “Really, mother, don’t you think I could do much worse than him?”
“People die when they’re with him! Your father died, I died. The whole universe died!”
“Well, we’re all here now and that’s what counts, isn’t it?”
Amy stared at River. She was still coming to terms with the fact that she would never know Melody. Yes, River was her daughter and she felt automatically protective of her. But River would never be her little girl. She missed that chance, and though she kept the blame to herself, she felt it was the Doctor’s fault. Amy turned helplessly to Rory.
His gaze shifted from the pained look on his wife’s face to the almost amused look on his daughter’s. Finally, he turned toward the Doctor. “Doctor, swear to me you won’t ever let anything happen to her.”
“Excuse me,” River said with an insulted look. “I believe can take care of myself, thank you.”
As if she hadn’t said a thing, Rory leaned closer to the Doctor and whispered intently, “Swear to me.”
The Doctor tried not to think of the Library, afraid the sorrow would show in his eyes. He took a moment to consider his words. “I swear on my life. If your daughter is in danger, I will do whatever it takes to make sure she is... saved.”
Rory examined him for a moment as if he knew the Doctor was trying to be tricky with his wording. “Right, then. Just… try not to be too… touchy feely around us, can you?”
“Maybe we’ll just go back to the TARDIS then.” River replied a little derisively. “Don’t I recall something about a bunk bed?”
The Doctor, Amy, and Rory all turned very red.
Rory and Amy shook their heads. River said, “I have.” All three looked at her. “Spoilers,” said in her sing-song voice as she winked at the Doctor.
“Come along, Ponds! You’ll soon get into the spirit of things!” He marched out of the TARDIS humming some annoyingly catchy Disney tune.
River turned to Amy and Rory. “Shall we?”
Rory glanced at Amy and said, “Well, I suppose we have no choice. He won’t come back in until we go, will he?”
“Probably not,” River agreed.
As they exited the TARDIS, they found themselves in the train station at the head of Main Street. As if on cue, the steam engine whistle blew as it pulled into the station. They spotted the Doctor several feet away, practically dancing on the spot from excitement.
“Look! The Castle!” he exclaimed as they walked up beside him. His eyes sparkled with the new-found wonder of a child. “It’s like we’re in… Mickey’s house!” He paused for a moment. “Oh, yes! Nearly forgot! Wait here just one moment, I’ll be right back!” With that, the Doctor skipped off.
“So, you’ve been here?” Rory asked once the Doctor was out of earshot. “When?”
“Well, the Doctor is the oldest child in the universe. Bless. Don’t you think this place would be on his list to visit more than once?”
Rory considered it for a moment and nodded in agreement with River.
“I just hope he doesn’t - oh, dear…” River spotted the Doctor coming through the crowd. He had a silly grin on his face and a black beanie topped on either side by black plastic discs on his head.
“What are you wearing?” River demanded.
“What? These? They’re mouse ears… see, Mickey has these big…”
“Yes, I know what mouse ears are,” River interrupted, “why did you get them?”
“I like them.” He replied as he straightened the hat. “They’re cool.”
River shook her head and reached for them. The Doctor grabbed the ears and held them tightly on his head, forcing his floppy hair down over his eyes. “Aw, River, come on, let me keep them. It’s practically required to wear them here!”
“Maybe if you’re five.” She watched him brush some of the hair away from one eye and peer at her sadly. She sighed. How in the world was she supposed to resist that? “Alright. Just for today.”
The Doctor smiled brightly at River then asked, “What first?”
“Why don’t we just walk and see where we end up?” Rory suggested.
“Excellent plan! Fun walky family time at Disneyland! Let’s go!” The Doctor headed down Main Street almost skipping.
“He really is trying way too hard,” River commented quietly to Rory, who nodded in return.
The smell of warm cookies and freshly-baked waffle cones filled the air as they passed the bakery and ice cream parlor. River paused and took a deep breath, inhaling the scent. “Hm, does ice cream sound good to anyone else?”
“Ice cream!” The Doctor exclaimed and clapped his hands. “Yes! Excellent family-type activity there! Who wants ice cream? I want ice cream! Or better yet, custard! I wonder if they have custard… Mmm… custard…” He wandered into the shop with the trio close behind.
They exited the shop a few minutes later - Amy and Rory empty-handed, River with a vanilla cone and the Doctor with a small cup of pudding. “Pudding isn’t custard!” he complained.
“I know, sweetie, but that’s all they had. You’re just going to have to live with it.” River turned to Rory and Amy. “Are you sure you didn’t want anything?”
“We’re fine,” Rory said and Amy nodded mutely.
They found a table in a quiet corner and sat down, River and the Doctor on one side across from Rory and Amy. They sat in silence for a while before Amy took the park map from Rory, unfolded it and disappeared behind it. A hissing sound came from behind the map. Rory shrugged at the Doctor and leaned down behind the map with Amy.
The Doctor stared at his pudding cup, wondering if any place nearby sold fish fingers and if they were as good with pudding when he felt a tap on his toe. He looked up to see River take a long, slow lick of her ice cream as she locked him into her gaze. His eyes widened and he shot a nervous look at the map that separated them from her parents.
River gave him a flirty little smirk when he turned his attention back to her. She crossed her legs so she could hook her foot around the back of the Doctor’s knee bend. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat as he watched her lightly run her tongue around the edge of the cone.
She took the Doctor’s hand and placed it on her thigh as she raised the cone and sucked gently at the melting ice cream that dripped from the tip. The Doctor inhaled sharply and grasped the edge of the table with his other hand, causing it to rock slightly.
Rory peered out from behind the map at the disturbance and saw the same seductive gaze his wife gave him mirrored in his daughter’s face as she eyed the Doctor. He looked under the table to see River’s foot hooked around the Doctor’s knee bend and his hand on her thigh. He looked back up, stunned, at River and the Doctor.
Amy glanced up at Rory then followed his shocked stare across the table. “Oi! Spaceman!” She said loudly as she slammed the map down on the table. “That’s my daughter you’re flirting with!”
The Doctor sputtered, “What? Me? No! I-I-I-I… I’m not! She… the ice cream… she started it!”
“Come now mother, I am a grown woman.”
“You were a baby a… a… couple months ago! I was just holding you!”
“You also met me before I was even born. It’s the life of a time traveler.”
“Oh my god, when I met her! I told him to sonic her, didn’t I? SONIC her? Really? Rory, do you know what that sounds like? I encouraged this!”
“Spoi…” River started before she was interrupted.
The Doctor turned several shades of red as he wrung his hands nervously and fidgeted with his bow tie. “You didn’t tell me to sonic her! You said I soniced her, but I didn’t! I mean, yes, I may have pointed my sonic at her, but she asked for it! No, no, not like that, not that sonic! I mean, not like you mean, I mean I haven’t soniced her like that!”
“Not yet…” River supplied, rather unhelpfully.
Amy leaned toward the Doctor, her eyes narrowed. “Ooh, if I had a gun right now…”
“There, see? I get it honestly,” River said as she suppressed a grin. She actually seemed to be quite enjoying the whole thing. “Really, mother, don’t you think I could do much worse than him?”
“People die when they’re with him! Your father died, I died. The whole universe died!”
“Well, we’re all here now and that’s what counts, isn’t it?”
Amy stared at River. She was still coming to terms with the fact that she would never know Melody. Yes, River was her daughter and she felt automatically protective of her. But River would never be her little girl. She missed that chance, and though she kept the blame to herself, she felt it was the Doctor’s fault. Amy turned helplessly to Rory.
His gaze shifted from the pained look on his wife’s face to the almost amused look on his daughter’s. Finally, he turned toward the Doctor. “Doctor, swear to me you won’t ever let anything happen to her.”
“Excuse me,” River said with an insulted look. “I believe can take care of myself, thank you.”
As if she hadn’t said a thing, Rory leaned closer to the Doctor and whispered intently, “Swear to me.”
The Doctor tried not to think of the Library, afraid the sorrow would show in his eyes. He took a moment to consider his words. “I swear on my life. If your daughter is in danger, I will do whatever it takes to make sure she is... saved.”
Rory examined him for a moment as if he knew the Doctor was trying to be tricky with his wording. “Right, then. Just… try not to be too… touchy feely around us, can you?”
“Maybe we’ll just go back to the TARDIS then.” River replied a little derisively. “Don’t I recall something about a bunk bed?”
The Doctor, Amy, and Rory all turned very red.