I meant to write about this a long time ago...
So conference was good. My proverbial "last meet of my college swimming career, last meet of my competitive swimming career unless I decide to join a masters' team later"...etc. I really couldn't have asked for a better meet, either (except for the part where it went really long Saturday night when I just wanted it to end, and also when I got upset after my last 100 in the 400 free relay, but those really don't matter in the long run). To recap, the first day I swam the 500 free, which is the one event that I was super nervous about, because all season I had been telling myself how much I wanted to go under 6:00 again, and preferably break my personal best time that I hadn't been able to break since my very last meet in high school. As I was behind the blocks right before the race and I thought to myself "it won't be the end of my life if I don't reach my goal...but who am I kidding? I'll probably cry if I don't get it, because I'm lame like that and I let silly little competitions and silly little goals like that determine my mood and how I feel about myself in general." Granted I didn't have that long of a conversation with myself, but it was a feeling I got and I just knew.
When I was done with the race, done with all the pain and trying to catch my breath through the spasms of my lungs and aching muscles...I didn't want to look at the scoreboard, because what if? What if I hadn't swam my best, even though in the middle of the race my arms and legs hurt so much I wanted to just stop and not try anymore? But I knew that I had swam with all my heart, every fiber of my being had been focused on the race, on attaining the one goal I had set for myself for the season...that's all I had wanted. And as I looked at the scoreboard I let out a sob of relief. 5:56.85. I had done it, by over three seconds. It seems like the moment would be somewhat anticlimactic since it was only 6 minutes of my life, but it really wasn't. I basked in the moment as long as I could before the officials made us all get out of the water, and then I sank down against the cold wall but didn't feel it...and did almost start crying tears of joy. It's amazing how much such silly things can affect you. After that nothing else could really compare.
I swam the 200 free the next day...it was a season best, but by far not my best time in that event. I maintain that I wasn't really trained to swim that event this year, or maybe I'm just getting too old to even do long sprints like that anymore. A 2:13 isn't bad, it's not awesome either. Neither is a 2:11, which is my best, but I'm still proud of it.
Then Saturday I swam the mile, and this was somewhat important to me because I had given myself a goal in this one as well. I wanted to go under 21:00 (my best time was a 21:16), and I was fairly certain I could do it. Ryan was there cheering for me on Saturday as well, reminiscent of when he cheered for me while I swam the mile at conference sophomore year. It was so odd, and I can still see the image of him from 2 years ago... He's so sweet, 20 minutes is a long time to be shouting, to keep up the energy you have to maintain while cheering for someone. And it really does help. I ended up swimming a 20:40...I beat my goal time by 20 seconds, which is awesome for me. Such a sense of satisfaction.
I don't think I've really put myself out there for swimming in a long time. I've been afraid, because I came to college and all of a sudden I wasn't one of the best people on the team like in high school. I'm mediocre at best, but I still love to swim. I never put myself fully out there though because at least then I could tell myself that the reason I wasn't meeting my own expectations (and probably that of others) was because I wasn't putting myself out on the line. I simply didn't want my everything, my heart and soul, to be just mediocre. Because that's what happens when you swim, if you do it right. Your heart and soul go into churning the water, and if it's not good enough, well... This is silly. Of course a couple races don't mean you're not good enough, don't mean you're mediocre as a person. But that's how I feel sometimes, especially when I try so hard and it ends up not being enough. I think that's why I got so upset after my last 100 in that 400 free relay, because I was truly out there, I truly couldn't move my arms any faster or any harder, and when I was done I didn't feel like it had been good enough because it was just mediocre. It's okay though. I know my own worth, and even if I didn't I could say that I proved it to myself that first day when I put my soul into my 500.
I know that you can't validate yourself through a sport, but it's a part of who I am. And I love that. I'm going to miss swimming. I'm going to miss my team, being a part of something bigger than myself, working together with others to achieve team (and personal) goals. It's a wonderful experience.
The party after we got back from conference was insane, simply put. We seniors really did bring back the conference party from freshman year when we partied til dawn with our teammates. Actually I ended up passing out on Nick's couch around 4am, but the party went on long after that, and I'm sorry I missed it. What I did get to experience was really awesome, though.
End.