[One Shot] Subtle Lies
The brown leaves fall gently on the surface of the water, creating noiseless semi-centric ripples. The pale orange sun casts elongated mirages on the water as though it had been carefully drawn in oil paint. A couple of nameless birds soar in the sky that seemed to be splattered with vibrant colors. It seemed like a painting that would have taken years for an expert to perfect.
Just before the sun totally disappears behind the horizon that was masked with translucent clouds, I sailed out on a little boat towards the calm lake just far enough to create some distance between me and the busy world.
I watched the whole autumn scene from afar as though I’m observing a carefully crafted painting of some nameless artist. It is in seeing scenes like this that his face dominates the withered yellowed pages of my memory.
It has been a year now...
Carefully, I held the charcoal pencil diagonally, immortalizing every contour, every detail, and every laugh line on his face. Every few minutes I would close my eyes and his face would appear with those misty eyes that had always been a mystery to me.
I felt his head on my shoulder and as I looked sideways, his soft smile came into my line of vision.
I have always loved that smile.
“Do you know that you’ve been smiling the whole time?” Ninomiya Kazunari’s voice rang in my ears and I had the sudden urge to close my eyes yet again just to instill that sound in my memory.
Gently, I adjusted the thick blanket that had been protecting his small, frail body from the harshness of the autumn chill. My fingers brushed his soft neck and for a moment, it created the same tingling sensation it always does whenever we touch.
“It’s getting chilly, should we go home now?” I asked him, looking up at sky that was slowly being eaten by darkness. At his request, we sailed out together on the little boat that was the exact replica of the one we used as children, back when afternoon escapades were still an adventure for us.
Nino softly shook his head and with his lips, he pointed at the unfinished sketch of his face.
“It’s almost finished. Let’s go home when you’re done,” the soft weakness in his voice breaks my heart. For a year now, he’d been fighting what seemed to be a losing battle with death.
“But you need to rest to get better,” I watched as he shivers slightly underneath the thick blanket. “See? You’re cold,”
For the second time, he shook his head, the soft smile still planted on his face.
“I’m fine. I’m not cold,”
It was a lie… a subtle lie. He always does that whenever there’s something he doesn’t want anybody to know and for years, those subtle lies of his saved me a lot of times.
“Liar,” I gently scolded him. Putting down the sketchbook, I took him in my arms and wrapped my arms around his frail body. As a child, I have always thought that if I embrace him as tight as my arms could manage, Nino would stay with me forever. And still, even after that childish innocence was shattered by the harsh reality of the world, I still believe that as long as I hold on to him, we would never be separated. Not even by death.
At that moment, he seemed as if he would break from the tightness of my embrace. But I never really did care. Every second, my heart aches to touch him and each second that I couldn’t catch a glimpse of him, I feel an uneasy sense of longing.
“You’re not going to be stupid enough to leave me so soon, will you?” I asked him and whatever it is that made me blurt out that question, I had no idea.
His soft childish giggle penetrated the hushed surrounding.
“People are given the privilege to be stupid sometimes…” his sentence trailed off.
“Oi…!” I pouted, the way I usually does whenever he says things that I disapprove of.
Silence invaded our surroundings, the kind that gives off an uneasy sense of warning. The soft breeze that was blowing disturbed his hair and the soft feel of it on my neck tickled me a little. My arms around him tightened as I planted a soft kiss on his forehead.
“Hug me a little tighter…” his voice was like soft lace that grazed my ears and I obligingly complied with his request.
“I’m never going to let you go, Nino. We promised, right? We promised that nothing could separate us from each other. We have to keep that promise no matter what,” even though I was the one speaking, my own voice was alien to me.
“If I promise that we’ll see each other again, will you wait for me?” Nino whispered, his arms tightening around me. It was a warm embrace that I know would stay forever within me. It was the kind that only he could give.
Without warning, something dropped on my hand. It was only then that I realized I was crying. With a quick stroke of my hand, I wiped the tears so he wouldn’t see.
“You don’t have to ask me. No matter how long it takes, as long as I’ll be able to see you again, I’ll wait for you. At this same place, at this same time,”
I watched as his face slowly spread into a sad smile, his eyes crinkling into tiny slits on his face. With a gentle touch, I traced the lines on his face. If I could only freeze time, I would want to stare at him forever like this. But running my hand through his face would be the closest I could get to freezing time. When you’re running after something, time always becomes your enemy.
“It’s getting cold, let’s go home. What do you want for today’s dinner?”
Nino settled his head into the curve between my shoulder and my neck.
“The usual,” he answered, referring to my own Chahan recipe. “Let’s stay here a little longer…” he closed his eyes. “Let me sleep for a while, I’ll wake up when I’m hungry”
I watched as he settled into a peaceful sleep and wondered for a second if I’ll be able to see him open his eyes again. The thought brings coldness within me, worse than winter could bring.
If only I had known that the last sentence he uttered was one of his subtle lies, I wouldn’t have let him sleep. I would’ve talked to him a little longer, reminiscing those innocent childhood days when we impatiently waited for summer to come. I would’ve exchanged more stories about our youthful high school adventures when all we could think about was how it would feel like to actually grow up and be an adult. I would’ve told him over and over how much I love him and how he means the world to me. But I didn’t know. His lies always manage to fool me into believing.
I resumed my sketching as he settles into a deep sleep beside me.
Darkness finally won over the dominance in the sky and the gentle waves rocked our tiny boat a little.
Flashes of withered memories run through my head, as if it was an old movie appearing only in black and white. I saw our ten-year-old selves, catching fireflies on warm summer nights. I went through those days when the pain of growing up and falling in love strengthened the bond between us that transcends the boundaries of friendship. I don’t have a single childhood memory without Nino in it and it is by being with him that I learned how it feels like to love and be loved by someone.
Fleeting as the autumn breeze usually is, Nino faded away from me, leaving me with nothing but his memories that would forever fill the pages of my life.
I watched my fading reflection on the surface of the water. There I was, looking like I did a year ago.
A teardrop created little ripples of waves and distorted my image on the surface of the water. Here I am, still holding on to that promise to wait for him no matter how long it takes.
The same autumn breeze was blowing, and I hear a thousand versions of his voice. It was a fleeting reminder of a promise that we would meet each other again at the end of the line. We never said goodbye for goodbyes would only mean that we would never meet again. We never said goodbye for we both know- and wholeheartedly believe- that once my life too, is over, we would see each other again. We would meet again and travel back to those sunny days of our childhood when nothing else in the world matters… but us being together.
Closing my eyes, I pictured myself, running barefoot with arms outstretched, eager to hold him once again. And for a moment, as the shadows lengthen, I found myself vaguely wishing… to hear just one more…subtle lie.