I think I'm going to have to be my own Prince Charming
Hey Peeps,
I've been thinking too much lately.
Mostly of that damn *Clay* bastard. I wondered why I liked him so much. I mean, I've been more upset over men before, but I had "been" with them longer. I wonder why I feel so attached from knowing him such a short ammount of time.
Several years ago, my family and I went to see our old counselor, Julie. I suppose you could say it was like a check-up, of sorts. We used to go quite regularly for several years. But, I guess she gave up a clean bill of health, so to speak, and we quit going to group and to private sessions. When we went, I was going through all my drama with Alex, which I conveyed to Julie. From what I remember, she told me that it had something to do with my Dad, and the fact that he was emotionally unavailable. I thought then that this was just a little bit off the mark, but I smiled and nodded anyway. And then I remembered it a week or so ago. My father, Alex, and Clay all were/are emotionally unavailable.
Wow.
The other men I've dated liked me, and let me know it. At least, before they dumped me or wanted me to be just a fuck-buddy. Alex, (who I never really dated but fell in love with none the less,) and Clay, (I don't even know HOW to describe that,) were both ephemeral. They liked me a lot, but were always very non-committal.
I can remember when I was seeing Josh, he soooooo crushed on me. I can remember feeling a little surprised about it, because while I liked him, he seemed to like me so much more. And I didn't *like* that, per se. I felt like it wasn't a challenge, if you can believe that. But when he started to withdraw, THAT'S when I started to like him more.
Bryan, well, he was just stupid.
And with Jeremy, I felt like I was always chasing him, trying to draw him in. I also think this made me want him more.
And now, I can't stop thinking about what Julie said those years ago. IS this all because of my father?
I don't know. I've been flirting with the idea of going to Al-Anon meetings. I mentioned this to Sarah, but she thought it was silly/crazy. I'm still considering it.
I can't help but wonder why I haven't been able to find a nice guy and have a nice relationship with them. I don't want them, or they seem to run away. And it flabergasts me to this day that *Alex*, of all people, has been dating a guy for over a year! Stefanie as well. Sarah is all but ready to be married. Where is MY share of this pie?
I've always tried to be an optimist, even in the face of incredible odds. I used to think that I'd find my one true love. Then I thought that I DO have a one, true love, but I probably wouldn't find him. Instead, I'd find someone else that came pretty close. Now I wonder if this is how things are going to be for the rest of my life. Will I always be playing the dating game? Meet a guy, have a passionate crush, dump him/get dumped, repeat? What kind of a life is that? And isn't it sad that I think this way at 21? The supposed prime of my life?
I know a relationship has it's own ups and downs. But, I'm already tired of this. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm sick of wading through the mud of the gay.com chat rooms, looking for someone of interest. I'm weary of the games people play.
I guess I really might become one of those queens who has 13 cats, is eccentric to the extreme, and takes care of his mother.
I don't want to be alone, but I'm also tired of feeling this way and of looking and searching.
Men suck.
We'll see how long this mood of mine lasts, haha.
I've been thinking too much lately.
Mostly of that damn *Clay* bastard. I wondered why I liked him so much. I mean, I've been more upset over men before, but I had "been" with them longer. I wonder why I feel so attached from knowing him such a short ammount of time.
Several years ago, my family and I went to see our old counselor, Julie. I suppose you could say it was like a check-up, of sorts. We used to go quite regularly for several years. But, I guess she gave up a clean bill of health, so to speak, and we quit going to group and to private sessions. When we went, I was going through all my drama with Alex, which I conveyed to Julie. From what I remember, she told me that it had something to do with my Dad, and the fact that he was emotionally unavailable. I thought then that this was just a little bit off the mark, but I smiled and nodded anyway. And then I remembered it a week or so ago. My father, Alex, and Clay all were/are emotionally unavailable.
Wow.
The other men I've dated liked me, and let me know it. At least, before they dumped me or wanted me to be just a fuck-buddy. Alex, (who I never really dated but fell in love with none the less,) and Clay, (I don't even know HOW to describe that,) were both ephemeral. They liked me a lot, but were always very non-committal.
I can remember when I was seeing Josh, he soooooo crushed on me. I can remember feeling a little surprised about it, because while I liked him, he seemed to like me so much more. And I didn't *like* that, per se. I felt like it wasn't a challenge, if you can believe that. But when he started to withdraw, THAT'S when I started to like him more.
Bryan, well, he was just stupid.
And with Jeremy, I felt like I was always chasing him, trying to draw him in. I also think this made me want him more.
And now, I can't stop thinking about what Julie said those years ago. IS this all because of my father?
I don't know. I've been flirting with the idea of going to Al-Anon meetings. I mentioned this to Sarah, but she thought it was silly/crazy. I'm still considering it.
I can't help but wonder why I haven't been able to find a nice guy and have a nice relationship with them. I don't want them, or they seem to run away. And it flabergasts me to this day that *Alex*, of all people, has been dating a guy for over a year! Stefanie as well. Sarah is all but ready to be married. Where is MY share of this pie?
I've always tried to be an optimist, even in the face of incredible odds. I used to think that I'd find my one true love. Then I thought that I DO have a one, true love, but I probably wouldn't find him. Instead, I'd find someone else that came pretty close. Now I wonder if this is how things are going to be for the rest of my life. Will I always be playing the dating game? Meet a guy, have a passionate crush, dump him/get dumped, repeat? What kind of a life is that? And isn't it sad that I think this way at 21? The supposed prime of my life?
I know a relationship has it's own ups and downs. But, I'm already tired of this. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm sick of wading through the mud of the gay.com chat rooms, looking for someone of interest. I'm weary of the games people play.
I guess I really might become one of those queens who has 13 cats, is eccentric to the extreme, and takes care of his mother.
I don't want to be alone, but I'm also tired of feeling this way and of looking and searching.
Men suck.
We'll see how long this mood of mine lasts, haha.