Pirating 101
Title: Pirating 101
Author: Pepper
Rating: PG
Summary: Arrrrrr. Silliness ahoy!
Season: 2-7
Featured Character(s): Jack, Daniel, Sam, Teal'c.
Pairing(s): None
A/N: It's September 19th. It's International Talk Like A Pirate Day. What more can I say?
---
"Avast, me hearties! Last one to the poop deck's a scurvy son of a biscuit eater!"
"Wha..? Jack, is that you? What time is it?"
"Sir?"
"O'Neill? What is wrong?"
"Up and at 'em, ye swabs! The grog's on to boil, and time be a-wastin' when thar be plunderin' and roisterin' and general wrong-doin' to be done!"
"Oh god, please tell me he's not-"
"Oh yes. He most certainly is."
"Kill me now, Daniel. I'm begging you."
"I do not understand."
"Well, it's a holiday of sorts, Teal'c-"
"Arrrrr! Ye scallywags! Ye be usin' lubber talk. Talk like the true followers of the sweet trade I knew ye to be at heart, or ye'll be gettin' a taste of the cat, so ye will! Aharrrr!"
"Sir-"
"Yes, wench?"
"...WENCH?!"
"Uh, 'wench' be a good thing, me bux... matey. 'Tis an honorific for a strong woman. Here, have some coffee."
"...grrfflmflmble..."
"Nice save, Jack."
"Aye. Nearly hoist meself by me own petards there."
"Uh, I think one gets hoisted on a petard, Jack, not by the petards. It was a kind of-"
"That's Fiendish Cap'n Jack O'Nlythelonely of the Incorrigible Cliché to you, ye lubber."
"Cap'n?"
"Aye, me beau... matey?"
"So does that mean I outrank you?"
"Ah, I still be the leader of this rascally outfit, Major."
"Darn."
"What accent are you striving towards, exactly, J... Fiendish Cap'n Jack?"
"A piratical accent, me hearty! Have ye never watched The Crimson Pirate? Blackbeard's Ghost? Cutthroat Island?"
"Ah."
"I still do not understand. Why have you begun to talk in this peculiar manner, O'Neill? Is there something wrong with you?"
"Something I often ask myself."
"It'll be the gangplank for you in a minute, swabbie. Enlighten our good shipmate Teal'c the Turbulent, will you? I find meself in need of some more hot grog. All this pirate-talk gives me a turrible thirst."
"Grog is a term for-"
"Just do it, Daniel."
::sigh:: "It's a celebration. International Talk Like A Pirate Day. See, pirates are... Hey, you've seen 'Pirates of the Caribbean', right?"
"Several times, Daniel Jackson."
"Well, that's... uh. Anyhow, so you know what pirates are, then. Well, in recent years someone started up an annual celebration, every September 19th. I think it started on the Net - Sam might know. And the idea is, everyone talks like a pirate for the day. This idea obviously appeals to Jack."
"Why?"
"Because he has a mental age of five?"
"Cat o' nine tails, Danny-boy."
"I meant, why does everyone wish to talk like a pirate?"
"Uh... Jack? Cap'n Jack? You wanna field that one?"
"Aye-aye. See, Teal'c, it's... fun."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Very well, O'Neill. How do I go about talking like a pirate?"
"Teal'c, you really don't have to-"
"Well, me hearty, there's certain words you need to practice. They be your pirate basics. For a start, there's arrrrrrrrrr."
"Ar?"
"No, arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."
"Arrrrrrrrrrr."
"That'll do for now. That means... uh, well, it's sort of a general reply, like 'mmmm', or something you can say at the end of any sentence to give it more piratitude. Arrrrrrr!"
"Arrrrrrrrrrr."
"Very good. And instead of 'yes', say 'aye', or 'aye-aye', or if you're feeling really positive, 'aye-aye, Cap'n'."
"Aye-aye, Cap'n."
"Okay. Then there's 'avast!' That's..."
"It's a bit like 'kree'."
"Thanks, Danny. Yeah, so whenever you might, in the past, have said 'kree', instead today you say 'avast'. In the same sort of tone."
"Avast!"
"Yeah! Just like that, Teal'c. You okay, Carter?"
"I was just startled, sir. I'm fine. I'm sure the coffee will wash out."
"My apologies, Major Carter."
"It's not you I blame, Teal'c."
"Uh. Good. Arrr. Okay, now you've mastered the basics. There's also various pirate insults. Pirates insult each other a lot. So, for instance, I might call Danny over here a lily-livered, gizzard-brained, mutinous son of a swamp witch."
"And I might call Cap'n Jack a pox-ridden, barnacle-bottomed, festering boil of a bilge rat."
"Good one, Danny. And I might call Carter a dockside doxie, saucy strumpet, and harpoon-happy harpy."
"And I might kick your ass. Sir."
"Oh, come on, Carter, get in the spirit. You have my full permission to insult me. Come on, Major - you know you want to."
"Okay. You - sir - are the scurviest, hornswaggliest Jack Tar ever to deserve to be lashed to the gunner's daughter, given a tickle of the rope's end, keelhauled, and dressed with a hempen halter."
"You tell him, Sam!"
"What did that mean, Major Carter?"
"Well, I basically told Colonel O'Neill that he was a disease-ridden cheat, and that he deserved to be tied to a cannon, beaten with a knotted rope, thrown overboard and dragged across the underside of the ship, and then hung by the neck. In, uh, pirate-speak."
"See, Teal'c? And I didn't take offence. At all. Because that's what pirates do - insult one another. Affectionately. Right, Major?"
"Whatever you say, sir."
"You are a clumsy idiot, O'Neill."
"...Stop laughing, Carter. T, buddy, I think you'd better leave the insulting until you've got a hang of the language. It needs to be a bit more florid. Think Goa'uld. Think fightin' talk. The more longwinded the better. Alliteration is your friend. We'll work on it. Be there any of that bilge water left, Carter?"
"Aye, Cap'n. And that's Cutlasshand Carter, Scourge of the SGC, to you, sir. Arrrr."
"Teal'c, ye should keep a weather eye on Daniel today, as the scurvy wharf rat is disinclined to listen to a word anyone says when he gets his deadlights on the booty, a.k.a. some rocks."
"Aye-aye, Cap'n."
"'Artefacts', Cap'n Jack."
"'Rocks', Danny."
"'Artefacts'. And today you may call me Dastardly Sir Daniel McBloodthirsty-Jackson, of the Scabrous Shrimp."
"Cool. Teal'c, henceforth you will be dubbed the Dread Pirate Teal'c the Turbulent, Terror of Tortuga. Ready to hoist anchor and set sail for seas unknown, Major?"
"Arrrrrrrrrrr."
"Arrrrr!"
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrr."
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"
- THE END. SOMEONE PLEASE STOP ME. ARRRRRRR.
Author: Pepper
Rating: PG
Summary: Arrrrrr. Silliness ahoy!
Season: 2-7
Featured Character(s): Jack, Daniel, Sam, Teal'c.
Pairing(s): None
A/N: It's September 19th. It's International Talk Like A Pirate Day. What more can I say?
---
"Avast, me hearties! Last one to the poop deck's a scurvy son of a biscuit eater!"
"Wha..? Jack, is that you? What time is it?"
"Sir?"
"O'Neill? What is wrong?"
"Up and at 'em, ye swabs! The grog's on to boil, and time be a-wastin' when thar be plunderin' and roisterin' and general wrong-doin' to be done!"
"Oh god, please tell me he's not-"
"Oh yes. He most certainly is."
"Kill me now, Daniel. I'm begging you."
"I do not understand."
"Well, it's a holiday of sorts, Teal'c-"
"Arrrrr! Ye scallywags! Ye be usin' lubber talk. Talk like the true followers of the sweet trade I knew ye to be at heart, or ye'll be gettin' a taste of the cat, so ye will! Aharrrr!"
"Sir-"
"Yes, wench?"
"...WENCH?!"
"Uh, 'wench' be a good thing, me bux... matey. 'Tis an honorific for a strong woman. Here, have some coffee."
"...grrfflmflmble..."
"Nice save, Jack."
"Aye. Nearly hoist meself by me own petards there."
"Uh, I think one gets hoisted on a petard, Jack, not by the petards. It was a kind of-"
"That's Fiendish Cap'n Jack O'Nlythelonely of the Incorrigible Cliché to you, ye lubber."
"Cap'n?"
"Aye, me beau... matey?"
"So does that mean I outrank you?"
"Ah, I still be the leader of this rascally outfit, Major."
"Darn."
"What accent are you striving towards, exactly, J... Fiendish Cap'n Jack?"
"A piratical accent, me hearty! Have ye never watched The Crimson Pirate? Blackbeard's Ghost? Cutthroat Island?"
"Ah."
"I still do not understand. Why have you begun to talk in this peculiar manner, O'Neill? Is there something wrong with you?"
"Something I often ask myself."
"It'll be the gangplank for you in a minute, swabbie. Enlighten our good shipmate Teal'c the Turbulent, will you? I find meself in need of some more hot grog. All this pirate-talk gives me a turrible thirst."
"Grog is a term for-"
"Just do it, Daniel."
::sigh:: "It's a celebration. International Talk Like A Pirate Day. See, pirates are... Hey, you've seen 'Pirates of the Caribbean', right?"
"Several times, Daniel Jackson."
"Well, that's... uh. Anyhow, so you know what pirates are, then. Well, in recent years someone started up an annual celebration, every September 19th. I think it started on the Net - Sam might know. And the idea is, everyone talks like a pirate for the day. This idea obviously appeals to Jack."
"Why?"
"Because he has a mental age of five?"
"Cat o' nine tails, Danny-boy."
"I meant, why does everyone wish to talk like a pirate?"
"Uh... Jack? Cap'n Jack? You wanna field that one?"
"Aye-aye. See, Teal'c, it's... fun."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Very well, O'Neill. How do I go about talking like a pirate?"
"Teal'c, you really don't have to-"
"Well, me hearty, there's certain words you need to practice. They be your pirate basics. For a start, there's arrrrrrrrrr."
"Ar?"
"No, arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."
"Arrrrrrrrrrr."
"That'll do for now. That means... uh, well, it's sort of a general reply, like 'mmmm', or something you can say at the end of any sentence to give it more piratitude. Arrrrrrr!"
"Arrrrrrrrrrr."
"Very good. And instead of 'yes', say 'aye', or 'aye-aye', or if you're feeling really positive, 'aye-aye, Cap'n'."
"Aye-aye, Cap'n."
"Okay. Then there's 'avast!' That's..."
"It's a bit like 'kree'."
"Thanks, Danny. Yeah, so whenever you might, in the past, have said 'kree', instead today you say 'avast'. In the same sort of tone."
"Avast!"
"Yeah! Just like that, Teal'c. You okay, Carter?"
"I was just startled, sir. I'm fine. I'm sure the coffee will wash out."
"My apologies, Major Carter."
"It's not you I blame, Teal'c."
"Uh. Good. Arrr. Okay, now you've mastered the basics. There's also various pirate insults. Pirates insult each other a lot. So, for instance, I might call Danny over here a lily-livered, gizzard-brained, mutinous son of a swamp witch."
"And I might call Cap'n Jack a pox-ridden, barnacle-bottomed, festering boil of a bilge rat."
"Good one, Danny. And I might call Carter a dockside doxie, saucy strumpet, and harpoon-happy harpy."
"And I might kick your ass. Sir."
"Oh, come on, Carter, get in the spirit. You have my full permission to insult me. Come on, Major - you know you want to."
"Okay. You - sir - are the scurviest, hornswaggliest Jack Tar ever to deserve to be lashed to the gunner's daughter, given a tickle of the rope's end, keelhauled, and dressed with a hempen halter."
"You tell him, Sam!"
"What did that mean, Major Carter?"
"Well, I basically told Colonel O'Neill that he was a disease-ridden cheat, and that he deserved to be tied to a cannon, beaten with a knotted rope, thrown overboard and dragged across the underside of the ship, and then hung by the neck. In, uh, pirate-speak."
"See, Teal'c? And I didn't take offence. At all. Because that's what pirates do - insult one another. Affectionately. Right, Major?"
"Whatever you say, sir."
"You are a clumsy idiot, O'Neill."
"...Stop laughing, Carter. T, buddy, I think you'd better leave the insulting until you've got a hang of the language. It needs to be a bit more florid. Think Goa'uld. Think fightin' talk. The more longwinded the better. Alliteration is your friend. We'll work on it. Be there any of that bilge water left, Carter?"
"Aye, Cap'n. And that's Cutlasshand Carter, Scourge of the SGC, to you, sir. Arrrr."
"Teal'c, ye should keep a weather eye on Daniel today, as the scurvy wharf rat is disinclined to listen to a word anyone says when he gets his deadlights on the booty, a.k.a. some rocks."
"Aye-aye, Cap'n."
"'Artefacts', Cap'n Jack."
"'Rocks', Danny."
"'Artefacts'. And today you may call me Dastardly Sir Daniel McBloodthirsty-Jackson, of the Scabrous Shrimp."
"Cool. Teal'c, henceforth you will be dubbed the Dread Pirate Teal'c the Turbulent, Terror of Tortuga. Ready to hoist anchor and set sail for seas unknown, Major?"
"Arrrrrrrrrrr."
"Arrrrr!"
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrr."
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"
- THE END. SOMEONE PLEASE STOP ME. ARRRRRRR.