Deranged. I'm deranged.
Clearly some kind of therapy is in order.
This follows the 'Getting To Know You' series of email thingies, and needs to be read back-to-front, in the manner of a series of sent emails. So, start from the bottom... you'll see what I mean.
edit: I've now posted all this to ff.net - even though it plays Silly Buggers with the formatting.
-----Original Message-----
From: O'Neill, Col. J
Sent: 22 November 2001 16:57
To: Carter, Maj. S;
Subject: Re: Getting to Know You
Come on up, Carter.
- J.
-----Original Message-----
From: Carter, Maj. S
Sent: 22 November 2001 16:56
To: O'Neill, Col. J;
Subject: Re: Getting to Know You
It's almost 1700hrs, sir. I'm about to head to your office to give you a typing lesson. Perhaps we could continue this discussion in person?
- SC.
-----Original Message-----
From: O'Neill, Col. J
Sent: 22 November 2001 16:55
To: Carter, Maj. S;
Subject: Re: Getting to Know You
Perhaps the new curtains need to give it a go. They might discover that a person giving up a pair of Bart Simpsons curtains is not the end of the world.
- J.
-----Original Message-----
From: Carter, Maj. S
Sent: 22 November 2001 16:53
To: O'Neill, Col. J;
Subject: Re: Getting to Know You
The new curtains aren't unsure. They are positive that they would love to be your curtains. They've never been more sure of anything in their life. They just need to get their head around the idea that it's sometimes okay to put personal considerations before duty towards the Simpsons.
- SC.
-----Original Message-----
From: O'Neill, Col. J
Sent: 22 November 2001 16:52
To: Carter, Maj. S;
Subject: Re: Getting to Know You
I will always love my Bart Simpsons curtains. But they can't last forever. My knees wouldn't stand it, for a start. Besides, there are other people out there, with Bart Simpsons curtains, doing their duty - I'm not the only one for the job. Sometimes a guy needs to accept that and move on whilst he still has a chance of enjoying a full life with his new curtains. And if the new curtains think that I'd be in the slightest bit unhappy with the change, then the new curtains are - with all due respect - completely nuts.
But if the new curtains aren't sure, then I can hang on to the old curtains until they're ready.
- J.
-----Original Message-----
From: Carter, Maj. S
Sent: 22 November 2001 16:49
To: O'Neill, Col. J;
Subject: Re: Getting to Know You
I would imagine that a new pair of curtains would be honored by your hopes for them. But perhaps they might worry that you would miss your old curtains too much, and how that might affect the relationship between you and the new curtains. After all, you've always been pretty committed to the Simpsons.
- SC.
-----Original Message-----
From: O'Neill, Col. J
Sent: 22 November 2001 16:46
To: Carter, Maj. S;
Subject: Re: Getting to Know You
I was drunk too, but I clearly remember explaining that the... curtains... weren't so important to me as they used to be. I've had these curtains for a long time now. I've done my duty by the curtains. I've been thinking what life would be like without the curtains, and it's an appealing picture.
But I also don't want to put undue pressure on a new pair of curtains.
- J.
-----Original Message-----
From: Carter, Maj. S
Sent: 22 November 2001 16:42
To: O'Neill, Col. J;
Subject: Re: Getting to Know You
It makes me do stupid things that I wouldn't do under normal circumstances, sir. I wouldn't want you to give up your curtains.
- SC.
p.s. Yes. For a birthday present. For my ten-year-old nephew.
-----Original Message-----
From: O'Neill, Col. J
Sent: 22 November 2001 16:40
To: Carter, Maj. S;
Subject: Re: Getting to Know You
Inebriation rarely holds up as a defense in a court of law, you know. It rids one of one's inhibitions - doesn't make you do anything you don't want to do. And the curtains are negotiable. I'd give them up for the right reasons.
- J.
p.s. You "know for a fact"? Have you perhaps been looking up Simpsons-themed bedroom furnishings yourself, Major?
-----Original Message-----
From: Carter, Maj. S
Sent: 22 November 2001 16:37
To: O'Neill, Col. J;
Subject: Re: Getting to Know You
I blame my extreme state of Tequila-induced drunkenness. I cannot be held responsible for anything I said or did.
- SC.
p.s. They're kids' curtains! I know for a fact that they don't make them for adults!
-----Original Message-----
From: O'Neill, Col. J
Sent: 22 November 2001 16:33
To: Carter, Maj. S;
Subject: Re: Getting to Know You
What's wrong with my curtains? You found them funny yesterday, if you'll recall. Or has that been lost in the alcoholic fog?
- J.
-----Original Message-----
From: Carter, Maj. S
Sent: 22 November 2001 16:31
To: O'Neill, Col. J;
Subject: Re: Getting to Know You
Er, no thank you very much, sir, if it's all the same.
- SC.
p.s. A criticism of my sense of humor would carry more weight if you didn't have Bart Simpson on your bedroom curtains.
Sir.
-----Original Message-----
From: O'Neill, Col. J
Sent: 22 November 2001 16:27
To: Carter, Maj. S;
Subject: Re: Getting to Know You
Hah. Very diplomatically put - would you like me to recommend your transferal to SG-9?
- J.
p.s. That joke was funnier in the original Latin, you know.
-----Original Message-----
From: Carter, Maj. S
Sent: 22 November 2001 16:24
To: O'Neill, Col. J;
Subject: Re: Getting to Know You
I'm always respectful of my superiors, sir.
- SC.
p.s. So can I.
-----Original Message-----
From: O'Neill, Col. J
Sent: 22 November 2001 16:22
To: Carter, Maj. S;
Subject: Re: Getting to Know You
1700hrs, my office. And your email tone is distinctly disrespectful.
- J.
p.s. Yes!
-----Original Message-----
From: Carter, Maj. S
Sent: 22 November 2001 16:21
To: O'Neill, Col. J;
Subject: Re: Getting to Know You
Perhaps it would help if I show you some of the basics (again).
- SC.
p.s. Can you keep a secret, sir?
-----Original Message-----
From: O'Neill, Col. J
Sent: 22 November 2001 16:16
To: Carter, Maj. S;
Subject: Re: Getting to Know You
D'oh!
Care to come give me a typing lesson?
- J.O'N.
p.s. Don't give me that 'due respect' crap. And I have the highest known security clearance known to man or dog.
-----Original Message-----
From: Carter, Maj. S
Sent: 22 November 2001 16:05
To: O'Neill, Col. J;
Subject: Re: Getting to Know You
For god's sake, sir, don't hit 'Reply all'! That email went to the entire list! Please take note of the 'Reply' button - the one with just *one* little face.
- SC.
p.s. And is that an order? Because if not, with all due respect, you don't have high enough clearance.
-----Original Message-----
From: O'Neill, Col. J
Sent: 22 November 2001 16:01
To: Carter, Maj. S; Coombs, Dr. S; Davis, Maj. P; Felger, Dr. J; Ferretti, Maj. L; Frasier, Maj. Dr. Janet, MD; Hammond, Maj. Gen. G; Harriman, Sgt. W.D.; Jackson, Dr. D; Lee, Dr. B; Loewen, Dr. C; MacKenzie, Dr. E; Nyan; Siler, Mstr. Sgt. S; Simmons, Lt. G; Teal'c;
Subject: Re: Getting to Know You
I need to know, Carter.
- J.O'N.
-----Original Message-----
From: Carter, Maj. S
Sent: 22 November 2001 15:47
To: Coombs, Dr. S; Davis, Maj. P; Felger, Dr. J; Ferretti, Maj. L; Frasier, Maj. Dr. Janet, MD; Hammond, Maj. Gen. G; Harriman, Sgt. W.D.; Jackson, Dr. D; Lee, Dr. B; Loewen, Dr. C; MacKenzie, Dr. E; O'Neill, Col. J; Nyan; Siler, Mstr. Sgt. S; Simmons, Lt. G; Teal'c;
Subject: Re: Getting to Know You
TATTOOS - WHERE AND WHAT?: I have one. I plead the Fifth as to the details. Need-to-know only.