The Horrors of SVM Fanfic
Not attractive is he? That's Franken-Eric. I see him in fics sometimes. He's not attractive there either. He stomps around, smashing things, and he doesn't understand any emotions beyond a ten year old's level. He's not a manipulator with finesse - he's a smash and grab type. I wish I saw him less. Help put a stop to Franken-Eric - don't write him. He comes in at night and wrecks up the place and there surely would have been villagers after him with pitchforks before the Revelation. Less Hammer Horror, more Mary Shelley.
Ewww. Gross. That's Sookie as THE BLOB. I see her in fics sometimes. She's gross there too. She resembles a puddle of unattractive goo when she falls apart at the mere mention of Eric Northman. She's terribly different from book Sookie - who can deal with a violent and sudden supernatural world. She's lived around Jason for too long to think a pretty face is enough to turn her to slush. She thinks quickly and on her feet, and has earned the respect of many, to the point that Eric characterises her as a "startling talent". Don't write Sookie as THE BLOB - less Twilight, more SVM.
Heeeere's Johnny...I mean Dark Eric...No, no, I really mean Bill. Want a vampire that has a plan from on high (ie Sophie Anne or destiny or some such crap) to date Sookie, flies into jealous rages, cares what she wears and looks like, lurks around every minute of the day concerned with the minutiae of her life, makes demands, rips underwear, fights with Sookie constantly, and uses the excuse "But I am vampire"? It's Bill you want - they're all things he does. Eric has a demanding job and he doesn't force anything - he tricks her. You can call him Dark Eric, but he's really a lesser form of Bill with an added touch of psychotic break. Write him by all means - but we all know he's Bill, even if he does wear an Eric wig.
Liver and fava beans - That's what you'd think Bill would ask for - oh and a nice chianti. Seriously, there's nothing worse than to read about Bill with stupid and insane plots to get Sookie back. You do realise you made book Eric the biggest idiot in the tri-state area that he didn't see it, right? You've also made Bill smarter and more devious than Eric. I mean really? Is that what you intended to do? Or are you just so filled with love for Bill you want to write about him lots - cause that's what you're doing. There's real villains in the books - ones who weren't tortured or given orders to manipulate Sookie *coughEricdiditwithoutorderscough*. Bill has his faults, but he's not Hannibill Lecter people. Making him that way detracts from all of the characters in the books who fail to see him for what he really is. Instead of proving Eric is the best choice, you've just made him the best choice compared to Hannibal Lecter - truly - that speaks to Eric's worth, uh?