(Untitled)

[peppernme]

No exercise and TWO binges out of control. I hurt, I'm sick. This has been the worst day this year. I don't know how to recover from this. Yesterday was bad and it led to this. What will tomorrow be like? Yes, I want to die again. I'm only complaining because I have nothing else to say, and I want it known that I'm a pig. I don't need

Comments

[johnnyboysriot]

The truth out there is that eds are full of shit.

What will tomorrow be like ...

Cindy can answer that or Cindy's eds can answer that.
Things seem to be getting worse which makes it harder
to get out of. I am wondering how much of this you
are able to see and how much of this the ed is preventing
you from seeing.

You are my friend and others online too, I'm sure everyone
agrees with me when I say we refuse to see you as your eds.

[peppernme]

"The truth out there is that eds are full of shit."
I know this. I am full of shit too, apparently.

[johnnyboysriot]

If you are full of shit then so am I and so is the rest of the world, feces that is.

If you mean full of shit in the ways that eds are, I beg to differ. You, Cindy, are full of light.

[johnnyboysriot]

I think your soul is crying out for help.

People access this journal. It's known that
people are going to read this. However, your
ed wants us all to think bad things about you
and that's not possible. The only one getting
a bad reputation is your ed, not you.

If your binge food is seperate from your food,
a good thing to think about is not keeping the
binge or trigger food around. An alcoholic
stocked with various alcoholic beverages is not
going to benefit from the variety of tempatations.

It's hard to think about, I know. The ed is probably
laughing and saying "hah that would NEVER happen", but
just so YOU know, it's always an option.

[peppernme]

You make sense. One problem is, my binge food IS my food. I must go out and buy it every night. It's just lately I have been buying and eating too much.
Part of the reason I don't want to bother to post is because, as you said, some people access this journal. I NEED people to know I've been bad, somehow, but I don't want their kindness that often occurs. It puts me in a tricky situation.

[johnnyboysriot]

Wait a second dear.

Who needs people to know that your ed has been bad?
And why is it anyone's business in the first place?

I think that this is just another form of self punishment,
used through the eating disorder to tell the world how
horrible the eds tell you that you are.

(They are liars!)

[peppernme]

It's weird. I have this general fear of getting in trouble, but when I've done something bad, I need it known so I don't look innocent when I am not. I know it doesn't really make sense. It's like you said - having the eds tell me (and everyone) how horrible I am.

[iwillalwaysrun]

Everything Johnny says is right. I don't have as many articulate words tonight but it is true; I know that you are seperate from your eating disorder and I know there is always always hope.
I can see you behind the disorder but I think I can't reach you. It's hard. But I never stop believing in you and hoping. There can be a change. x

[peppernme]

Thank you. It so hard to see a change right now. I just feel like I'm giving in more and getting worse. I'm so ashamed of myself. Hope is a far off concept.

[iwillalwaysrun]

Your eating diosrder does seem to have got worse. (or gotten as you would say :) I never understand why people say 'gotten'...anyway; tangent)
I understand you feeling ashamed because I feel ashamed of bingeing and overeating too, even though it is a problem and not something to be ashamed of :S
I wish I could reach you really and help you. But I am happy to listen and witness. x

[brokenheaded]

It's not kindness, sweetie, it's empathy. I know where you've been. I think you REALLY need to try and evaluate yourself and think about where you are in relation to where pursing more treatment would take you. No matter how scared you are getting more intensive treatment, the details of those fears cannot be worse than imagining yourself going on in this cycle forever. Please, Cindy...you DESERVE it. That's not kindness, it's the truth for you, everyone, Johnny, Laura, even myself.

[peppernme]

Thank you. I'm still supposed to try the DBT therapy on January 29th, so that's something new I'll be doing. (If I follow through with it.) And yes, I'm scared of this cycle continuing forever.

[vikkilynn]

Hi-
I found your journal rather randomly tonight and I am wondering if you would mind if I added you as a friend? I struggle with bingeing, too, and it makes my life feel so horrible and chaotic and not worth living. It's an awful way to go through life. I understand.