Pathetic
I overdosed last night. I got really really drunk, and then finished off my codeine. The scary part is that I don't know if I was trying to kill myself, or just get high. I don't remember much, which is something that has never happened to me from drinking before. I remember feeling horrible after seeing that, getting drunk, feeling worse, drinking more, and then there's a big space, followed by me taking the pills, empty space, followed by passing out shortly before my bed. I checked my phone and computer to make sure I didn't say anything to anyone (i.e. Kaiden) that I might regret. I'm pretty sure I have a concussion, and I've got a lot of weird bruises. I then woke up sometime around three. I had thrown up a little in my sleep (not sure how I didn't choke on it), and I had just enough time to stumble up the stairs and throw up more. After that, I stumbled back downstairs and lost conciousness just as I made it to my bed. I woke up once more to get sick (this time having enough ability to clean up the mess on my floor), and call in to work, saying I had food poisoning. I then made it to my bed, and woke up about an hour ago to throw up again (bile and the water I was using to recover), and now I feel mostly fine. It really really scares me that I don't know what my intent was. If I was trying to kill myself, I obviously did a really shitty job, which makes me feel like a failure. And if I wasn't, I apparently did something extremely stupid, which makes me feel pathetic. Either way, I feel like shit. I don't have a way to kill myself right now (and I'm seriously doubting I could pull it off at this point), and I'm still too afraid of dying to try to sober. But at the same time, I don't think I want to live anymore. I hate myself, and the way my life is going. Everyone around me is so happy, incuding him, and I don't know when I'll be again. I know it's possible one day, a few years down the road, but I can't spend that long like this, especially given the most recent developments. I am really not okay right now. I would give anything to hear from him. If I could even restore the friendship, I would probably be able to survive. It'd be easier. But I've basically given up all hope. And I'm so scared I'm going to be just one more statistic very very soon. While I know that all this is exactly what I deserve, I really wish I didn't. I'm so scared.