House: Finding Judas (1/2)
Yeah, it's late. And the second half's going to be later, since I need to finish studying for a proficiency test and put my resume together for a job interview in five and a half hours. Sorry 'bout that.
Anyway, here's the first half of the recap. More to follow soon.
Finding Judas
The show opens with a guy and his daughter at a carnival. The girl's dad has her stand against the "this tall to ride" sign, and is delighted to find that she's tall enough to go on the Kite Flyer... barely. The little girl, on the other hand, isn't so delighted, stammering something about how she doesn't think she's tall enough. [When I first saw the episode, I thought he was talking about the kiddie coaster, and I totally didn't blame her for being scared because I nearly died on one of those (well, I didn't, but my little cousins could have). --aguynamedgoo] "It just goes around. There's nothing to be scared of, all right?" says her dad. She whines about how she didn't say she was scared (because it's not obvious or anything), but her dad promises it'll be fun. "When I was a kid, this was my favorite thing ever." Already I know this won't end well, but then, when I was a kid, I had relatives that would force me, sometimes crying, on all the scary rides, so perhaps I'm biased.
"I don't like rides!" she whines, as her father drags her towards the Kite Flyer. Now it's Dad's turn to stammer, as he apologizes and offers to take her home, where he's sure they can have fun. "No, Daddy, wait!" she says. "...The ride does look like fun." Aww. They get on, and as the ride starts going, Dad's crying out, "Oh, this is awesome!" Dude. It's the Kite Flyer. Fun, yes, but it's not that awesome. The kid smiles a little, apparently having decided that the ride's not that bad. The father/daughter bonding moment quickly goes wrong, though, as we get lots of shots of the surroundings, the kid looking uncomfortable, and really bright lights, a sure sign of an impending medical emergency. Suddenly, the little girl's screaming. Now, I scream a lot like that on rides, but this seems a bit extreme for a relatively mild ride. Dad looks over, concerned, as she keeps screaming at the top of her lungs, eyes closed tight, and the lights around her seem to get brighter. "Alice, are you all right?" Dad asks. (The closed captioning tells me his name is Rob.) She keeps screaming, and screaming, and screaming, even when the ride's over, with Rob getting increasingly frantic and asking repeatedly if she's okay. Just before Alice's yelling gives me a migraine, the credits roll.
We come back to Alice in a hospital bed at PPTH, and Rob arguing with Alice's mother, who the closed captioning calls Edie. Rob is insisting that nothing happened, and Edie begs to differ. "It was a little kiddie ride!" "She hates those rides," Edie shoots back, "I don't see why you insist on making her--" Cameron, who's taking care of Alice, breaks in with, "Okay, I appreciate the fullness of your answers, but I just wanted to know if she has any history of abdominal problems." Translation: Shut up, you assholes, your kid is sick. The bickering duo answer "No," in unison, then look at each other, startled that they agree on something. Cameron goes on to mention that "the admitting doctor noted no family history of--" and then Edie breaks in, mentioning that her aunt had Crohn's disease. She's surprised that Rob didn't mention that, but Rob couldn't remember what it was called, and the two of them start arguing again. Cameron mentions that it's probably not Crohn's disease, but Edie just goes on about what a bad father Rob is. Cameron asks if they can actually answer her questions, but makes the mistake of calling Edie "Mrs. Hartman", giving Edie a chance to proclaim that they're divorced. "I suspected," Cameron says, somehow keeping from strangling them both.
Cut to Cuddy's office, where she's hitting a well-dressed couple up for financial contributions. The hospital needs half a million dollars, and Cuddy mentions this is a "naming opportunity for [their] foundation." Suddenly, a red dot appears on her forehead, prompting a curious stares. "Is -- is there a problem?" Cuddy asks, scared of her half a million dollars walking out the door. Mrs. Rich Lady mentions something on Cuddy's face, making a little brushing-away gesture which Cuddy copies, only to have the red laser dot move down into her ample cleavage. There's a lot of *ahem*ing, as Mrs. Rich Lady tries to discreetly point out where it's moved. Cuddy looks down, her jaw dropping, then looks up again. There, outside of her office, is House, demonstrating why he wasn't allowed to have a laser pointer earlier this season. The Rich Folks turn to stare at him. Cuddy excuses herself, only to have the laser pointer move to her crotch when she stands. Mrs. Rich Lady covers her mouth, scandalized. Cuddy steps out of her office, the pointer dot nestled happily in her cleavage again. "I'm sitting in there, hoping it was a sniper, because at least then the sociopath isn't my employee," she tells him. House, unperturbed, just replies, "This baby won me second place in the clinic's weekly 'weirdest thing pulled out of an orifice' contest." If this is actually true, all I can say is that I hope he thoroughly disinfected that. While Cuddy whines that she's "this close to getting a new lab put in Oncology." House just tells her she doesn't want to know what came in first. But I do! And I'm in luck! He mentions that it "rhymes with 'fucchini'", as Cuddy sighs in exasperation and walks over to the pharmacist (not Marco today), and demands House's pills. (Just a reminder, boys and girls, if you're going to be sticking something up your butt, make sure it has a flared base so it doesn't get lost in there. Otherwise, the ER or clinic staff will mock you, though probably not to your face, unless they're channeling House.) Cuddy comes back, smiling and rattling a little paper cup that has Vicodin in it. House isn't happy about this, and wants to know where his prescription is. The answer is that he's not getting any more free-floating prescriptions, because the cops have already shut Wilson down, and now the entire rest of the hospital is running scared. "Do you think maybe you're shouting at the wrong person?" House asks. He blames it all on Tritter's grudge, ignoring Cuddy's protests that he forged his scrips. "Your pain has become my pain," Cuddy tells him. "From now on, you get reasonable doses, at reasonable times." House replies, "But I hurt in an unreasonable way." Cuddy, unmoved, tells him to "dip into [his] secret stash." Upon hearing that Tritter confiscated it, she tells him to "move on to [his] secret secret stash." Unfortunately, House has run dry. At this point, Cuddy snaps, "Then move on to your secret, secret, secret stash!" I love those two. There's a moment of GLARE, then Cuddy heads back into her office. House stares after her for a moment, then swallows the contents of the wee paper cup.
In House's office, Cameron's explaining to Foreman and Chase that, according to Alice's parents, she's not on any medication. Chase says, "If the pancreatitis wasn't set off by drugs, and she hasn't been sick, that leaves trauma... or some kind of structural defect." He then tells Cameron to put up the CT. Maybe it's just me, but he sounds really bossy here. What the hell? Camreron does as Chase orders, and Foreman asks about a dense spot, which Cameron claims is a shadow. That's when House comes in, striding in and tossing his cane on his desk with a hurried "Excuse me!" before Cameron can do more than state that they got a referral. He goes behind Foreman (who's sitting in House's chair... subtle, he ain't) and pulls out a book, which has the pages cut out around a Vicodin bottle. "You stash your drugs in a lupus textbook," Foreman states, somewhere between incredulous and amused. "It's never lupus," House mutters. OMFG HEE! "Who's got gallstones, and why do we care?" he continues. Cameron's all WTF, gallstones? House points out that the patient's "billiary duct is dilated, probably from a stone lodged in it. Must've caused a nasty case of pancreatitis." He pours the contents of the pill bottle into his hand, and, alas, there's only one pill. Foreman's arguing that "six year-olds don't get gallstones." "So she didn't have pancreatitis?" House asks. Cameron breaks in, asking, "Your theory is an invisible gallstone?" Chase protests, "His theory correctly predicted pancreatitis," and Foreman tells him, "You might want to wait until he actually tells us what his theory is before you start kissing his theory's ass." Foreman smirks. "My theory is..." and here House pauses, slipping the pill into his pocket, "...vanishing gallstone. She had it, it passed." He orders the Houseketeers to do an ultrasound and see if there are more, and if there are, they should remove her gallbladder so they can analyze the stones. The Houseketeers file out, and House stares into his empty pill bottle for a moment before running his finger around the inside and then rubbing what little Vicodin dust he can get out of it on his gums. That's desperation, right there.
"I wasn't kissing his ass," Chase gripes, as he does the ultrasound. Foreman keeps giving us the lulz at Chase's expense, though. "It must have just looked that way from our angle. You on your knees, House bending over..." Okay, that was a very happy slashy thought for me. Cameron decides that Chase's chronic sucking up is because of his dad. Chase protests that his dad was an ass, but Cameron says that even so, doing what his dad wanted made sure Chase got what he wanted. Except for the part where he got written out of his dad's will, which Chase is quick to point out. Cameron looks guilty for a second. Foreman says, "I told you, it's just his nature. Poor guy's hardwired to kiss ass." But Chase gets a bit of validation for his ass-kissing when he discovers that House was right, and Alice has gallstones. The Houseketeers crowd around the screen showing Alice's gallbladder and the stones inside it.
"I didn't know a kid could get gallstones," Rob says. Chase explains that it's unusual, but that's why they want to remove Alice's gallbladder and figure out what's causing them. Rob and Edie are in nice comfy chairs in a waiting area, but Chase appears to be sitting on top of a kid-sized table, from the little tiny chairs behind it. Hee. Rob gives his consent immediately, but Edie protests, looking really upset. Rob accuses her of disagreeing just because he said yes, but Edie snaps, "I am capable of making my own decisions!" I hate them both. Chase explains that "it's a simple procedure," and is interrupted by Rob, saying that "if the doctor thinks [they] should do it," then they shoud do it. Edie wants a second opinion, which makes me convinced that she's a stupid bitch, because gallstones suck. They suck a lot. I had them when I was 21, and I don't miss my gallbladder one bit. I also don't miss the nights spent feeling like something was gnawing a hole in my stomach, because I was an idiot and thought it was just bad heartburn and totally ignorable until I spent an entire night throwing up and trying not to scream in agony. Yeah, surgery, small child, I get it, but, on the other hand, weeks of agony. Take the damn organ out, already.
Before Edie gives me even more reasons to hate her, the scene changes, and we see Tritter, sitting on the floor surrounded by file boxes labeled "Records/Administration", browsing through files. Boo! Cuddy walks in, snarking about the use of taxpayers' money, but Tritter reveals that he has this week off. He really doesn't have a life, does he? Cuddy says pretty much the same thing, adding, "Most people have enough going on in their lives that they don't have to personalize every slight." Tritter looks up and tells her it's not personal anymore, and Cuddy counters by yelling about how Wilson shut his practice down because he is a moron who can't get his own staff to help him write his damn scrips, and the rest of her staff is all scared now. "I think you're angry at the wrong person," Tritter says. Is it just me, or have we dejaed this vu before? Cuddy asks if Tritter thinks Wilson deserves all that's happened to him, and Tritter says no. "So... you just don't care?" Cuddy asks. Tritter looks away for a moment, then says, "This is how I get what I want. I put pressure on people. And if it doesn't work on Wilson, it'll work on you." Cuddy tells Tritter that he's punishing the innocent, and turns to leave. Tritter stops her by saying, "None of you are innocent. Not one of you. Not one of you has told me the truth about Dr. House." He stands up, looking righteously indignant. Cuddy launches into the standard protest about how House needs his Vicodin for his pain. Tritter counters that the Vicodin is distorting reality, House is an addict, he's going to kill someone, he needs to find a better way to cope with his pain, blah blah blah. Cuddy argues that this is a problem that should be dealt with by doctors, and Tritter tells her that it's not being dealt with by doctors, but being covered up by them. "The whole point of the criminal justice system is to make things right when everything else fails," he tells Cuddy. "And with all due respect, you have failed." Cuddy stares up at him, trying to look defiant, but she swallows and tightens her lips for a second, mostly succeeding in looking kinda guilty. I really think she knows that he's right, but there's no way in hell she's going to admit it to this asshole. See, I like Tritter here. I like him a lot. I see his point. And I'd like him a whole lot more if he wasn't such a smug, obsessed bastard. He's just like House, but not nearly as fun.
We cut to House, poking his head into Alice's room. When Rob and Edie look up, and House tells them, "Sorry, I didn't know you wanted your kid dead." He then offers to arrange it for them for the right price, because that's just the kind of helpful guy he is. "Who the hell are you?" Rob asks. "I am a complete stranger who apparently cares more about whether your kid dies than you do," House says. This allows Edie to identify him as Dr. House. "You've seen my stage show," he quips. Edie argues that Alice isn't dying, and once they've treated her for the pancreatitis, she's taking her home. "Yeah, and do what, burn sage?" Rob bitches. He wants the surgery. "My father had gallstones," Edie says. "They were totally harmless. Alice had one bad one, but it passed." Can I just repeat for the record that gallstones SUCK and I hate her? She and Rob argue more about whether or not she'll get sick again, but Edie insists that if it happens, they'll take her to a pediatrician. "She's six, Rob. She shouldn't have unecessary surgery." "Or a moron for a mom, but what can you do?" says House, making me love him even more. Rob just kind of doubletakes, looking at House like he can't believe he just said that, but he'd agree if it wouldn't get him smacked or something. "You're the doctor. I'm the mother," Edie says. "I outrank you. Live with it." Ooh, watch out, Edie. Them's fightin' words! House and Rob exchange glances.
The scene changes to show us a woman in judge's robes taking a seat, saying, "I've read the file. You have fifteen minutes." Again with the line-by-line summary:
House: It's people like this that killed Copernicus.
Judge: Galileo.
House: Either way.
Judge: And they just locked Galileo up.
House: They killed his spirit. And nobody likes a show-off. Luckily, Alice Hartman has a dad who's willing to see reason.
Judge: "Reason" as defined by slavishly deferring to you...
Edie argues that she hasn't had time to talk to her attourney, and says again that she wants a second opinion, over House's protests that there's no time. The judge asks House if his testimony is that Alice will die in the time it takes to get a second opinion. House, after asking if he's under oath, says that she might die, and a second opinion "wouldn't be as good as the first opinion." The judge asks Cuddy for her opinion, but before Cuddy (who's revealed to have been standing in the background) can answer, House says that her opinion is "worthless" because she's not a specialist. "Dr. Cuddy, what do you think of Dr. House?" the judge asks. "Is he as big a jerk as I think he is?" Oh yeah, I like her. "Bigger," Cuddy says. "But he knows what he's talking about."
In the next scene, we know House won, because they're doing the cholecystectomy. It's a laparoscopic surgery, which means all we see are the doctors poking instruments into incisions we can't really see well, and the actual removal of her gallbladder can only be seen on a monitor. Since I was unconscious when they did mine, I find this the coolest thing ever, but most people don't, so I'll stop going on about it.
Later, Foreman arrives in Alice's room, having been paged. "She's complaining about her stitches," Edie tells him. Rob mentions that they were told that's normal, and is generally pissed off at Edie. He does want to know about the test results for the gallstones. "Any minute now," Foreman says. Edie bitches about how long the results take, considering there was "no time for a second opinion," but is cut off when Alice complains, "My skin hurts!" "I know I no longer have the right to demand it," Edie says, just to make sure we hate her, "but could you please take a look?" Foreman agrees and pulls on a pair of exam gloves, while Rob says that Edie's just pissed and "looking for things to go wrong." "You're right," Edie says, "I'm so petty, I hope she dies so it vindicates my opinion." Rob just laughs, proving that he's just as much of a bitch as Edie is, as Edie looks shocked at what she just said and turns to a solemn-looking Alice, trying to reassure her that she didn't mean it. "Mommy was being sarcastic." Rob goes on about how Alice isn't old enough to understand sarcasm, but Foreman, in his examination, has noticed redness and blisters all over Alice's stomach, and interrupts their lame argument to point this out. Rob and Edie look, then do the shocked/worried stare thing.
We come back from the commercial break (which, in my case, featured a news preview about antibiotic-resistant skin infections, freakily enough), to find Chase talking on his cellphone. "I already gave you that number," he says, sounding frustrated. Cameron and Foreman are also on their phones, as House walks in, saying, "A simple surgical procedure turns a little girl into the English Patient. What gives?" Cameron suggests that Alice is allergic to something used in the surgery, then goes back to her phone call, spelling out her name for the person she's talking to. "This is my office," House bitches. "I'm talking. There are people here who work for me. They're not listening. Explain this to me." Foreman reveals that his bank account has fallen victim to the Evil That Is Tritter, and the other two Houseketeers are finding out about theirs while he waits to his lawyer. House snatches Foreman's cell and flips it shut, telling him, "Talk to Wilson's lawyer. He'll tell you exactly how and why you're screwed." House starts to talk about Alice's history of allergies, or total lack thereof, but Foreman yells at him, wanting him to talk to Tritter. "Oh, yeah, great plan," Chase snarks, still on his phone, "the man's obviously open to reason." House's plan is to do nothing and focus on the patient. Alice has pigment stones... "Which are non-conclusive!" Cameron interrupts, sounding angry. "Kid presented with low-grade fever, mild anemia," House continues. "That plus the stones indicates bacterial infection." Foreman argues, "Bacterial infections don't cause a vesicular rash. And doing nothing is not a plan! It's specifically a lack of a plan." House continues, saying that the rash comes from the bacteria escaping and colonizing the wounds after Alice's surgery. Cameron argues that an allergy is "a hundred times more likely," and everything else probably came from the pancreatitis. As she finishes, she finally gets a response on her phone, and thanks the person for their help before hanging up and revealing that Tritter just froze her bank accounts, too. "'Thank you for your help'?" Chase asks, apparently never having heard of basic courtesy. Cameron points out that it wasn't that person's fault, and Chase gets up, saying, "He hasn't gotten to mine yet: I'm going to withdraw as much as I can as fast as I can. Lunch is on me." He grabs his coat and heads out the door. House looks annoyed, and tells his two remaining Houseketeers, "Do a scratch test. Check for allergies. When it comes back negative, start broad-spectrum antibiotics." Cameron and Foreman both turn to stare at him like, "WTF? Fuck you, man, we suddenly have no money, and you want us to go on with our jobs?" House isn't terribly sympathetic, but I'm surprised they expected him to be, after Wilson. "Bullies bully," he says. "They don't get a reaction, they lose interest. Now go do what I ask before I stick your heads in toilets." Foreman shakes his head and picks up his phone, dialing angrily, and Cameron just sits there with an expression that's eerily familiar, probably because it spent last episode on Wilson's face.
The scene changes back to Alice, who's clutching a ratty-looking teddy bear. At least, I think it's a teddy bear. "How'd Otter get here?" Edie asks. So either that's a malformed otter, or Alice has weird ideas about what to name her toys. It turns out that Rob brought him, having gone to the dry cleaners' after closing time, pounded on the door, and begged a lot. Edie smiles a bit, and Foreman just continues with the scratch test, making Alice jump a little. Rob offers Alice some ice cream for after the test, but Alice just complains of a stomachache. Rob offers to get her some ginger ale instead, and when she agrees, goes off to get her some, leaving Edie to hold Alice's arm reassuringly and try to keep her still. "He's always been really good at the big romantic gestures," Edie says, wrongly assuming Foreman cares. "But ask him to do the dishes, or show up for a meal on time, or drive her--" "Almost done here," Foreman says curtly, cutting her off. Edie looks at him, shocked at the reminder that the world doesn't revolve around her divorce. I don't know if Foreman's just bitchy because she won't shut up about her stupid divorce when he has no money for food, or if he's honestly concerned about Alice's parents going on like that in front of her. Either way, something needed to be said, because her daughter was sitting there wincing in pain while she was going on and on about her marriage problems. Stupid bitch.
Scene change: House is sitting with his feet up on a comfy blue sofa, playing a video game in what appears to be the break room. And in walks Wilson. Hi, Wilson! Wilson walks past House, checking his watch, and heads for a table where assorted foodstuffs are laid out. "What are you doing here?" House asks. "I work here," Wilson says, starting to make himself a PB&J. "Passively-agressively, you gave up your practice," House retorts, looking up from his game. Wilson cites clinic hours, which makes no sense because if he's closing his practice because he can't write prescriptions for his cancer patients, what's he going to do with clinic patients who need medication? Really, I think this is just an excuse for him to hang around and raid the food in the lounge, since he has no money. I also wonder if he's living out of his office yet, since he was staying in a hotel, and those tend to want money more regularly than, say, apartments. No matter what, there's a whole lot of anger in his sandwich-assembly. "Now you're passively-agressively spreading peanut butter, with a big sign around your neck saying 'Wilson doesn't have enough cash for the cafeteria,'" House continues. Oh, come on, House, just buy him some fucking lunch! You owe him that much, at least. Wilson ignores the comment about his funds, instead going on about Lenny Bruce. But when he utters the words, "before he died of a drug overdose..." House interrupts, complaining about being compared with everyone who ever used drugs. Wilson explains that Lenny Bruce was arrested on obscenity charges, and kept getting in trouble with the law because he couldn't stop pissing off the cops, until he wasn't funny anymore and just ranted about how persecuted he was. Meanwhile, House has pulled his one remaining Vicodin from his pocket and is staring at it longingly, before realizing what he's doing and getting up. "I get it, I get it. I need to change my nightclub act," House says. "You think more props?" He heads for the table where Wilson's putting the sandwich together, and then Chase walks in, saying that the scratch test is getting results... "A lot of results." House looks at the pill in his hand one last time, then drops it back into his pocket, grabbing half of Wilson's sammich and leaving. Wilson just stares after him for a moment, like, "Okay, fine. He doesn't give a damn about my life being ruined, and he's still stealing my food. Just... peachy." Again, I want to hug him.
Back to Alice, hugging Otter. There's a really nasty rash on her back. "How could she be allergic to everything?" Rob asks. "She can't be," House says, and I beg to differ. But then, my doctor also called me the allergy poster child, so I gather I'm a special case. House remains convinced it's an infection, though Foreman's like, DUH, positive allergy test! House says the infection got into the scratches on her back, and Chase protests that the shape of the rash is all wrong. House then tells Alice to eat the half sandwich he stole from Wilson. Alice isn't hungry, despite House's claims that it's a magic sandwich that'll make her better. She starts to protest, "There's no such thing--" then House goes, "Just take a damn bite, okay, kid?" She does, probably just to make the scary doctor shut up and go away. House looks into her mouth with a penlight, while Chase, Foreman, and the Asshole Parents look on, worried and/or confused. "Amazing how she didn't go into anaphylactic shock," House says. Foreman calls that, "diagnostically ridiculous," and House shoots back, "Right. She's allergic to everything except peanuts." Confirmation that I'm some kind of medical freak! I've tested allergic to eggs, milk, wheat, yeast (baker's and brewer's), chocolate, chicken, cantaloupe, rye, mushrooms, every type of grass and tree they tested me for (no, really), the list goes on... but not peanuts. So, yeah, I'm just a little bit unimpressed by House's method of disproving allergies. Chase is worried about antibiotics plus allergies causing "a massive systemic reaction." House repeats that she's not allergic, and hands Chase the bag o' meds. Chase stares at it for a moment, then starts getting it ready. Foreman points out that all signs point to allergy. "Just because she's not allergic to peanuts doesn't mean she's not allergic to lidocane, or--" YAY FOREMAN! He's wrong, but I'm glad someone said it. "Chase, hang the bag!" House orders. "You can grow a backbone tomorrow." But this time, it's Rob's turn to protest, refusing to give Alice drugs "that could shut her system down." House, already leaving, turns in the door way to yell back, "You know what else shuts down systems? Death." Rob still refuses to let him do anything.
And now it's back to the judge! "Luckily," House says, "Alice Hartman has a mom who's willing to see reason." Again with the deja vu. The judge agrees with me. "I honestly figured I'd get a different judge today," House admits. The judge asks Edie if she agrees with House now, and this just makes Edie and Rob start arguing again. And then the judge is all, "Hey, zip it! I've heard enough." As if I didn't like her before she started telling those two to shut up. "This lawyering thing is easy," House tells Cuddy out of the corner of his mouth. "You shut up, too," says the judge. Rock on, Your Honor! Because Alice's parents couldn't agree that shit stinks if their lives depended on it, the judge says she's decided to make a doctor Alice's temorary guardian. "A doctor who will place the health of the child above all else..." Cuddy starts to say that she thinks putting House in charge of the kid is a Really Bad Idea, but the judge interrupts her. "Dr. Cuddy." Cuddy says, "Yes, your Honor," but then the judge continues, "No, I was finishing my sentence. The kid's all yours." So now Cuddy has a temporary practice kid for when she finally does get knocked up.
As they walk out, House demands his pills, because it's 3:00. Cuddy, meanwhile, is angsting over how she's supposed to choose what's best for a kid she doesn't even know. "Fine, I'll choose," House says. "I'm gonna side with the angry doctor's opinion. Gimme my pills." Cuddy goes for the pills in her purse, saying that broad-spectrum antibiotics are a Really Bad Idea if she's allergic. They argue for a moment about whether there's a chance of it or not, and Cuddy tells him to pick one antibiotic. House argues that it won't be enough. Cuddy overrules him, and picks metronidazole. She walks away, and House takes his Vicodin, closing his eyes for a moment and waiting for the sweet, sweet relief to kick in.
Back at PPTH, Tritter's talking to Foreman again. All he wants to know is how many pills House takes in a day, so he can prove House didn't have enough legitimate prescriptions for all of them. Foreman's just examining his nails, looking unimpressed. "I really hope no one dies while I'm sitting here not talking to you," he says. Tritter goes on to give us backstory involving Foreman's brother being in jail for drugs, and how Foreman doesn't ever visit him, but when Foreman's boss does drugs, he lies to the cops. "If I run out for coffee, will I be back before you make your point?" Foreman asks, speaking for all of us. Tritter offers to get Foreman's brother (Marcus) out on parole "in less than two months" if Foreman will testitfy. Because obviously Foreman cares so much for him. Foreman goes on to say as much, and Tritter calls him on the fact that he's not exactly innocent, either. "Now, you and Dr. House... You are both cold bastards," Tritter says. "You don't give a damn about your brother, and you can't stand House. But I do expect you to take this deal, because you hate hypocrisy more. House has had a thousand chances. You had two chances. Why is your brother stuck at one?" Foreman just says nothing.
Cuddy's telling the stupid fucking idiots... I mean, Alice's parents... that Alice hasn't had an allergic reaction to her antibiotics yet, so she probably won't have one at all. Rob starks about how "they occasionally get something right." which just sets off another pointless argument. Edie says she's suing for sole custody. While Edie goes on about what bad father Rob is, Cuddy notes with alarm that Alice's monitors are beeping faster and faster, as her pulse and blood presure skyrocket. Cuddy informs them of this fact and orders them both out. "I'm her mother! You can't just--" Edie says, not getting that yes, Cuddy can just, and has just. "You fight, she has an anxiety attack," Cuddy says, loading up a syringe. "The two of you are making her worse. Get out, and don't come back." YAY CUDDY! Rob gets out, while Edie stays, staring for a minute as whatever Cuddy injected Alice with takes effect, and her breathing slows.
"How's the kid doing?" Chase asks, walking into the meeting room. "Much better as of about two hours ago," Foreman says, by which we can surmise that it was two hours ago that Cuddy threw her parents out. He asks if Chase has any money for lunch, and Chase says that Tritter finally got to his accounts. What happened to withdrawing as much as possible as fast as possible? Don't tell me he spent it all already... Dumb rich boy. Foreman's surprised that Chase's account was frozen, and Chase wants to know why it wouldn't be. Foreman speculates that Chase being treated differently means he ratted on House, or is about to. "He doesn't freeze my accounts, I'm guilty. He does freeze my accounts, I'm guilty," Chase gripes. He just can't win. Edie comes in, asking if Alice is having a procedure done. Foreman replies that she's fine, and resting. "Where?" Edie asks. Chase says she's in her room, and Edie says she was just there, and Alice is gone, along with her backpack. Before she even finishes suggesting that Rob could have taken her, Chase is out of his chair, telling Foreman to call security as he leaves to go looking for Alice.
Once in the lobby, Chase looks around, then starts running forward, ordering the nurse at the front desk to get a gurney. "She's stiff, she can't move," Rob says. "I don't know what happened. I mean, she seemed fine." THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER OUT OF THE HOSPITAL BEFORE THE DOCTORS SAY IT'S OKAY, ASSWIPE! Chase checks to see if Alice is breathing as Rob begs him to "help her, please." Rob hands Alice over to Chase, and... It's time for a commercial break!
Anyway, here's the first half of the recap. More to follow soon.
Finding Judas
The show opens with a guy and his daughter at a carnival. The girl's dad has her stand against the "this tall to ride" sign, and is delighted to find that she's tall enough to go on the Kite Flyer... barely. The little girl, on the other hand, isn't so delighted, stammering something about how she doesn't think she's tall enough. [When I first saw the episode, I thought he was talking about the kiddie coaster, and I totally didn't blame her for being scared because I nearly died on one of those (well, I didn't, but my little cousins could have). --aguynamedgoo] "It just goes around. There's nothing to be scared of, all right?" says her dad. She whines about how she didn't say she was scared (because it's not obvious or anything), but her dad promises it'll be fun. "When I was a kid, this was my favorite thing ever." Already I know this won't end well, but then, when I was a kid, I had relatives that would force me, sometimes crying, on all the scary rides, so perhaps I'm biased.
"I don't like rides!" she whines, as her father drags her towards the Kite Flyer. Now it's Dad's turn to stammer, as he apologizes and offers to take her home, where he's sure they can have fun. "No, Daddy, wait!" she says. "...The ride does look like fun." Aww. They get on, and as the ride starts going, Dad's crying out, "Oh, this is awesome!" Dude. It's the Kite Flyer. Fun, yes, but it's not that awesome. The kid smiles a little, apparently having decided that the ride's not that bad. The father/daughter bonding moment quickly goes wrong, though, as we get lots of shots of the surroundings, the kid looking uncomfortable, and really bright lights, a sure sign of an impending medical emergency. Suddenly, the little girl's screaming. Now, I scream a lot like that on rides, but this seems a bit extreme for a relatively mild ride. Dad looks over, concerned, as she keeps screaming at the top of her lungs, eyes closed tight, and the lights around her seem to get brighter. "Alice, are you all right?" Dad asks. (The closed captioning tells me his name is Rob.) She keeps screaming, and screaming, and screaming, even when the ride's over, with Rob getting increasingly frantic and asking repeatedly if she's okay. Just before Alice's yelling gives me a migraine, the credits roll.
We come back to Alice in a hospital bed at PPTH, and Rob arguing with Alice's mother, who the closed captioning calls Edie. Rob is insisting that nothing happened, and Edie begs to differ. "It was a little kiddie ride!" "She hates those rides," Edie shoots back, "I don't see why you insist on making her--" Cameron, who's taking care of Alice, breaks in with, "Okay, I appreciate the fullness of your answers, but I just wanted to know if she has any history of abdominal problems." Translation: Shut up, you assholes, your kid is sick. The bickering duo answer "No," in unison, then look at each other, startled that they agree on something. Cameron goes on to mention that "the admitting doctor noted no family history of--" and then Edie breaks in, mentioning that her aunt had Crohn's disease. She's surprised that Rob didn't mention that, but Rob couldn't remember what it was called, and the two of them start arguing again. Cameron mentions that it's probably not Crohn's disease, but Edie just goes on about what a bad father Rob is. Cameron asks if they can actually answer her questions, but makes the mistake of calling Edie "Mrs. Hartman", giving Edie a chance to proclaim that they're divorced. "I suspected," Cameron says, somehow keeping from strangling them both.
Cut to Cuddy's office, where she's hitting a well-dressed couple up for financial contributions. The hospital needs half a million dollars, and Cuddy mentions this is a "naming opportunity for [their] foundation." Suddenly, a red dot appears on her forehead, prompting a curious stares. "Is -- is there a problem?" Cuddy asks, scared of her half a million dollars walking out the door. Mrs. Rich Lady mentions something on Cuddy's face, making a little brushing-away gesture which Cuddy copies, only to have the red laser dot move down into her ample cleavage. There's a lot of *ahem*ing, as Mrs. Rich Lady tries to discreetly point out where it's moved. Cuddy looks down, her jaw dropping, then looks up again. There, outside of her office, is House, demonstrating why he wasn't allowed to have a laser pointer earlier this season. The Rich Folks turn to stare at him. Cuddy excuses herself, only to have the laser pointer move to her crotch when she stands. Mrs. Rich Lady covers her mouth, scandalized. Cuddy steps out of her office, the pointer dot nestled happily in her cleavage again. "I'm sitting in there, hoping it was a sniper, because at least then the sociopath isn't my employee," she tells him. House, unperturbed, just replies, "This baby won me second place in the clinic's weekly 'weirdest thing pulled out of an orifice' contest." If this is actually true, all I can say is that I hope he thoroughly disinfected that. While Cuddy whines that she's "this close to getting a new lab put in Oncology." House just tells her she doesn't want to know what came in first. But I do! And I'm in luck! He mentions that it "rhymes with 'fucchini'", as Cuddy sighs in exasperation and walks over to the pharmacist (not Marco today), and demands House's pills. (Just a reminder, boys and girls, if you're going to be sticking something up your butt, make sure it has a flared base so it doesn't get lost in there. Otherwise, the ER or clinic staff will mock you, though probably not to your face, unless they're channeling House.) Cuddy comes back, smiling and rattling a little paper cup that has Vicodin in it. House isn't happy about this, and wants to know where his prescription is. The answer is that he's not getting any more free-floating prescriptions, because the cops have already shut Wilson down, and now the entire rest of the hospital is running scared. "Do you think maybe you're shouting at the wrong person?" House asks. He blames it all on Tritter's grudge, ignoring Cuddy's protests that he forged his scrips. "Your pain has become my pain," Cuddy tells him. "From now on, you get reasonable doses, at reasonable times." House replies, "But I hurt in an unreasonable way." Cuddy, unmoved, tells him to "dip into [his] secret stash." Upon hearing that Tritter confiscated it, she tells him to "move on to [his] secret secret stash." Unfortunately, House has run dry. At this point, Cuddy snaps, "Then move on to your secret, secret, secret stash!" I love those two. There's a moment of GLARE, then Cuddy heads back into her office. House stares after her for a moment, then swallows the contents of the wee paper cup.
In House's office, Cameron's explaining to Foreman and Chase that, according to Alice's parents, she's not on any medication. Chase says, "If the pancreatitis wasn't set off by drugs, and she hasn't been sick, that leaves trauma... or some kind of structural defect." He then tells Cameron to put up the CT. Maybe it's just me, but he sounds really bossy here. What the hell? Camreron does as Chase orders, and Foreman asks about a dense spot, which Cameron claims is a shadow. That's when House comes in, striding in and tossing his cane on his desk with a hurried "Excuse me!" before Cameron can do more than state that they got a referral. He goes behind Foreman (who's sitting in House's chair... subtle, he ain't) and pulls out a book, which has the pages cut out around a Vicodin bottle. "You stash your drugs in a lupus textbook," Foreman states, somewhere between incredulous and amused. "It's never lupus," House mutters. OMFG HEE! "Who's got gallstones, and why do we care?" he continues. Cameron's all WTF, gallstones? House points out that the patient's "billiary duct is dilated, probably from a stone lodged in it. Must've caused a nasty case of pancreatitis." He pours the contents of the pill bottle into his hand, and, alas, there's only one pill. Foreman's arguing that "six year-olds don't get gallstones." "So she didn't have pancreatitis?" House asks. Cameron breaks in, asking, "Your theory is an invisible gallstone?" Chase protests, "His theory correctly predicted pancreatitis," and Foreman tells him, "You might want to wait until he actually tells us what his theory is before you start kissing his theory's ass." Foreman smirks. "My theory is..." and here House pauses, slipping the pill into his pocket, "...vanishing gallstone. She had it, it passed." He orders the Houseketeers to do an ultrasound and see if there are more, and if there are, they should remove her gallbladder so they can analyze the stones. The Houseketeers file out, and House stares into his empty pill bottle for a moment before running his finger around the inside and then rubbing what little Vicodin dust he can get out of it on his gums. That's desperation, right there.
"I wasn't kissing his ass," Chase gripes, as he does the ultrasound. Foreman keeps giving us the lulz at Chase's expense, though. "It must have just looked that way from our angle. You on your knees, House bending over..." Okay, that was a very happy slashy thought for me. Cameron decides that Chase's chronic sucking up is because of his dad. Chase protests that his dad was an ass, but Cameron says that even so, doing what his dad wanted made sure Chase got what he wanted. Except for the part where he got written out of his dad's will, which Chase is quick to point out. Cameron looks guilty for a second. Foreman says, "I told you, it's just his nature. Poor guy's hardwired to kiss ass." But Chase gets a bit of validation for his ass-kissing when he discovers that House was right, and Alice has gallstones. The Houseketeers crowd around the screen showing Alice's gallbladder and the stones inside it.
"I didn't know a kid could get gallstones," Rob says. Chase explains that it's unusual, but that's why they want to remove Alice's gallbladder and figure out what's causing them. Rob and Edie are in nice comfy chairs in a waiting area, but Chase appears to be sitting on top of a kid-sized table, from the little tiny chairs behind it. Hee. Rob gives his consent immediately, but Edie protests, looking really upset. Rob accuses her of disagreeing just because he said yes, but Edie snaps, "I am capable of making my own decisions!" I hate them both. Chase explains that "it's a simple procedure," and is interrupted by Rob, saying that "if the doctor thinks [they] should do it," then they shoud do it. Edie wants a second opinion, which makes me convinced that she's a stupid bitch, because gallstones suck. They suck a lot. I had them when I was 21, and I don't miss my gallbladder one bit. I also don't miss the nights spent feeling like something was gnawing a hole in my stomach, because I was an idiot and thought it was just bad heartburn and totally ignorable until I spent an entire night throwing up and trying not to scream in agony. Yeah, surgery, small child, I get it, but, on the other hand, weeks of agony. Take the damn organ out, already.
Before Edie gives me even more reasons to hate her, the scene changes, and we see Tritter, sitting on the floor surrounded by file boxes labeled "Records/Administration", browsing through files. Boo! Cuddy walks in, snarking about the use of taxpayers' money, but Tritter reveals that he has this week off. He really doesn't have a life, does he? Cuddy says pretty much the same thing, adding, "Most people have enough going on in their lives that they don't have to personalize every slight." Tritter looks up and tells her it's not personal anymore, and Cuddy counters by yelling about how Wilson shut his practice down because he is a moron who can't get his own staff to help him write his damn scrips, and the rest of her staff is all scared now. "I think you're angry at the wrong person," Tritter says. Is it just me, or have we dejaed this vu before? Cuddy asks if Tritter thinks Wilson deserves all that's happened to him, and Tritter says no. "So... you just don't care?" Cuddy asks. Tritter looks away for a moment, then says, "This is how I get what I want. I put pressure on people. And if it doesn't work on Wilson, it'll work on you." Cuddy tells Tritter that he's punishing the innocent, and turns to leave. Tritter stops her by saying, "None of you are innocent. Not one of you. Not one of you has told me the truth about Dr. House." He stands up, looking righteously indignant. Cuddy launches into the standard protest about how House needs his Vicodin for his pain. Tritter counters that the Vicodin is distorting reality, House is an addict, he's going to kill someone, he needs to find a better way to cope with his pain, blah blah blah. Cuddy argues that this is a problem that should be dealt with by doctors, and Tritter tells her that it's not being dealt with by doctors, but being covered up by them. "The whole point of the criminal justice system is to make things right when everything else fails," he tells Cuddy. "And with all due respect, you have failed." Cuddy stares up at him, trying to look defiant, but she swallows and tightens her lips for a second, mostly succeeding in looking kinda guilty. I really think she knows that he's right, but there's no way in hell she's going to admit it to this asshole. See, I like Tritter here. I like him a lot. I see his point. And I'd like him a whole lot more if he wasn't such a smug, obsessed bastard. He's just like House, but not nearly as fun.
We cut to House, poking his head into Alice's room. When Rob and Edie look up, and House tells them, "Sorry, I didn't know you wanted your kid dead." He then offers to arrange it for them for the right price, because that's just the kind of helpful guy he is. "Who the hell are you?" Rob asks. "I am a complete stranger who apparently cares more about whether your kid dies than you do," House says. This allows Edie to identify him as Dr. House. "You've seen my stage show," he quips. Edie argues that Alice isn't dying, and once they've treated her for the pancreatitis, she's taking her home. "Yeah, and do what, burn sage?" Rob bitches. He wants the surgery. "My father had gallstones," Edie says. "They were totally harmless. Alice had one bad one, but it passed." Can I just repeat for the record that gallstones SUCK and I hate her? She and Rob argue more about whether or not she'll get sick again, but Edie insists that if it happens, they'll take her to a pediatrician. "She's six, Rob. She shouldn't have unecessary surgery." "Or a moron for a mom, but what can you do?" says House, making me love him even more. Rob just kind of doubletakes, looking at House like he can't believe he just said that, but he'd agree if it wouldn't get him smacked or something. "You're the doctor. I'm the mother," Edie says. "I outrank you. Live with it." Ooh, watch out, Edie. Them's fightin' words! House and Rob exchange glances.
The scene changes to show us a woman in judge's robes taking a seat, saying, "I've read the file. You have fifteen minutes." Again with the line-by-line summary:
House: It's people like this that killed Copernicus.
Judge: Galileo.
House: Either way.
Judge: And they just locked Galileo up.
House: They killed his spirit. And nobody likes a show-off. Luckily, Alice Hartman has a dad who's willing to see reason.
Judge: "Reason" as defined by slavishly deferring to you...
Edie argues that she hasn't had time to talk to her attourney, and says again that she wants a second opinion, over House's protests that there's no time. The judge asks House if his testimony is that Alice will die in the time it takes to get a second opinion. House, after asking if he's under oath, says that she might die, and a second opinion "wouldn't be as good as the first opinion." The judge asks Cuddy for her opinion, but before Cuddy (who's revealed to have been standing in the background) can answer, House says that her opinion is "worthless" because she's not a specialist. "Dr. Cuddy, what do you think of Dr. House?" the judge asks. "Is he as big a jerk as I think he is?" Oh yeah, I like her. "Bigger," Cuddy says. "But he knows what he's talking about."
In the next scene, we know House won, because they're doing the cholecystectomy. It's a laparoscopic surgery, which means all we see are the doctors poking instruments into incisions we can't really see well, and the actual removal of her gallbladder can only be seen on a monitor. Since I was unconscious when they did mine, I find this the coolest thing ever, but most people don't, so I'll stop going on about it.
Later, Foreman arrives in Alice's room, having been paged. "She's complaining about her stitches," Edie tells him. Rob mentions that they were told that's normal, and is generally pissed off at Edie. He does want to know about the test results for the gallstones. "Any minute now," Foreman says. Edie bitches about how long the results take, considering there was "no time for a second opinion," but is cut off when Alice complains, "My skin hurts!" "I know I no longer have the right to demand it," Edie says, just to make sure we hate her, "but could you please take a look?" Foreman agrees and pulls on a pair of exam gloves, while Rob says that Edie's just pissed and "looking for things to go wrong." "You're right," Edie says, "I'm so petty, I hope she dies so it vindicates my opinion." Rob just laughs, proving that he's just as much of a bitch as Edie is, as Edie looks shocked at what she just said and turns to a solemn-looking Alice, trying to reassure her that she didn't mean it. "Mommy was being sarcastic." Rob goes on about how Alice isn't old enough to understand sarcasm, but Foreman, in his examination, has noticed redness and blisters all over Alice's stomach, and interrupts their lame argument to point this out. Rob and Edie look, then do the shocked/worried stare thing.
We come back from the commercial break (which, in my case, featured a news preview about antibiotic-resistant skin infections, freakily enough), to find Chase talking on his cellphone. "I already gave you that number," he says, sounding frustrated. Cameron and Foreman are also on their phones, as House walks in, saying, "A simple surgical procedure turns a little girl into the English Patient. What gives?" Cameron suggests that Alice is allergic to something used in the surgery, then goes back to her phone call, spelling out her name for the person she's talking to. "This is my office," House bitches. "I'm talking. There are people here who work for me. They're not listening. Explain this to me." Foreman reveals that his bank account has fallen victim to the Evil That Is Tritter, and the other two Houseketeers are finding out about theirs while he waits to his lawyer. House snatches Foreman's cell and flips it shut, telling him, "Talk to Wilson's lawyer. He'll tell you exactly how and why you're screwed." House starts to talk about Alice's history of allergies, or total lack thereof, but Foreman yells at him, wanting him to talk to Tritter. "Oh, yeah, great plan," Chase snarks, still on his phone, "the man's obviously open to reason." House's plan is to do nothing and focus on the patient. Alice has pigment stones... "Which are non-conclusive!" Cameron interrupts, sounding angry. "Kid presented with low-grade fever, mild anemia," House continues. "That plus the stones indicates bacterial infection." Foreman argues, "Bacterial infections don't cause a vesicular rash. And doing nothing is not a plan! It's specifically a lack of a plan." House continues, saying that the rash comes from the bacteria escaping and colonizing the wounds after Alice's surgery. Cameron argues that an allergy is "a hundred times more likely," and everything else probably came from the pancreatitis. As she finishes, she finally gets a response on her phone, and thanks the person for their help before hanging up and revealing that Tritter just froze her bank accounts, too. "'Thank you for your help'?" Chase asks, apparently never having heard of basic courtesy. Cameron points out that it wasn't that person's fault, and Chase gets up, saying, "He hasn't gotten to mine yet: I'm going to withdraw as much as I can as fast as I can. Lunch is on me." He grabs his coat and heads out the door. House looks annoyed, and tells his two remaining Houseketeers, "Do a scratch test. Check for allergies. When it comes back negative, start broad-spectrum antibiotics." Cameron and Foreman both turn to stare at him like, "WTF? Fuck you, man, we suddenly have no money, and you want us to go on with our jobs?" House isn't terribly sympathetic, but I'm surprised they expected him to be, after Wilson. "Bullies bully," he says. "They don't get a reaction, they lose interest. Now go do what I ask before I stick your heads in toilets." Foreman shakes his head and picks up his phone, dialing angrily, and Cameron just sits there with an expression that's eerily familiar, probably because it spent last episode on Wilson's face.
The scene changes back to Alice, who's clutching a ratty-looking teddy bear. At least, I think it's a teddy bear. "How'd Otter get here?" Edie asks. So either that's a malformed otter, or Alice has weird ideas about what to name her toys. It turns out that Rob brought him, having gone to the dry cleaners' after closing time, pounded on the door, and begged a lot. Edie smiles a bit, and Foreman just continues with the scratch test, making Alice jump a little. Rob offers Alice some ice cream for after the test, but Alice just complains of a stomachache. Rob offers to get her some ginger ale instead, and when she agrees, goes off to get her some, leaving Edie to hold Alice's arm reassuringly and try to keep her still. "He's always been really good at the big romantic gestures," Edie says, wrongly assuming Foreman cares. "But ask him to do the dishes, or show up for a meal on time, or drive her--" "Almost done here," Foreman says curtly, cutting her off. Edie looks at him, shocked at the reminder that the world doesn't revolve around her divorce. I don't know if Foreman's just bitchy because she won't shut up about her stupid divorce when he has no money for food, or if he's honestly concerned about Alice's parents going on like that in front of her. Either way, something needed to be said, because her daughter was sitting there wincing in pain while she was going on and on about her marriage problems. Stupid bitch.
Scene change: House is sitting with his feet up on a comfy blue sofa, playing a video game in what appears to be the break room. And in walks Wilson. Hi, Wilson! Wilson walks past House, checking his watch, and heads for a table where assorted foodstuffs are laid out. "What are you doing here?" House asks. "I work here," Wilson says, starting to make himself a PB&J. "Passively-agressively, you gave up your practice," House retorts, looking up from his game. Wilson cites clinic hours, which makes no sense because if he's closing his practice because he can't write prescriptions for his cancer patients, what's he going to do with clinic patients who need medication? Really, I think this is just an excuse for him to hang around and raid the food in the lounge, since he has no money. I also wonder if he's living out of his office yet, since he was staying in a hotel, and those tend to want money more regularly than, say, apartments. No matter what, there's a whole lot of anger in his sandwich-assembly. "Now you're passively-agressively spreading peanut butter, with a big sign around your neck saying 'Wilson doesn't have enough cash for the cafeteria,'" House continues. Oh, come on, House, just buy him some fucking lunch! You owe him that much, at least. Wilson ignores the comment about his funds, instead going on about Lenny Bruce. But when he utters the words, "before he died of a drug overdose..." House interrupts, complaining about being compared with everyone who ever used drugs. Wilson explains that Lenny Bruce was arrested on obscenity charges, and kept getting in trouble with the law because he couldn't stop pissing off the cops, until he wasn't funny anymore and just ranted about how persecuted he was. Meanwhile, House has pulled his one remaining Vicodin from his pocket and is staring at it longingly, before realizing what he's doing and getting up. "I get it, I get it. I need to change my nightclub act," House says. "You think more props?" He heads for the table where Wilson's putting the sandwich together, and then Chase walks in, saying that the scratch test is getting results... "A lot of results." House looks at the pill in his hand one last time, then drops it back into his pocket, grabbing half of Wilson's sammich and leaving. Wilson just stares after him for a moment, like, "Okay, fine. He doesn't give a damn about my life being ruined, and he's still stealing my food. Just... peachy." Again, I want to hug him.
Back to Alice, hugging Otter. There's a really nasty rash on her back. "How could she be allergic to everything?" Rob asks. "She can't be," House says, and I beg to differ. But then, my doctor also called me the allergy poster child, so I gather I'm a special case. House remains convinced it's an infection, though Foreman's like, DUH, positive allergy test! House says the infection got into the scratches on her back, and Chase protests that the shape of the rash is all wrong. House then tells Alice to eat the half sandwich he stole from Wilson. Alice isn't hungry, despite House's claims that it's a magic sandwich that'll make her better. She starts to protest, "There's no such thing--" then House goes, "Just take a damn bite, okay, kid?" She does, probably just to make the scary doctor shut up and go away. House looks into her mouth with a penlight, while Chase, Foreman, and the Asshole Parents look on, worried and/or confused. "Amazing how she didn't go into anaphylactic shock," House says. Foreman calls that, "diagnostically ridiculous," and House shoots back, "Right. She's allergic to everything except peanuts." Confirmation that I'm some kind of medical freak! I've tested allergic to eggs, milk, wheat, yeast (baker's and brewer's), chocolate, chicken, cantaloupe, rye, mushrooms, every type of grass and tree they tested me for (no, really), the list goes on... but not peanuts. So, yeah, I'm just a little bit unimpressed by House's method of disproving allergies. Chase is worried about antibiotics plus allergies causing "a massive systemic reaction." House repeats that she's not allergic, and hands Chase the bag o' meds. Chase stares at it for a moment, then starts getting it ready. Foreman points out that all signs point to allergy. "Just because she's not allergic to peanuts doesn't mean she's not allergic to lidocane, or--" YAY FOREMAN! He's wrong, but I'm glad someone said it. "Chase, hang the bag!" House orders. "You can grow a backbone tomorrow." But this time, it's Rob's turn to protest, refusing to give Alice drugs "that could shut her system down." House, already leaving, turns in the door way to yell back, "You know what else shuts down systems? Death." Rob still refuses to let him do anything.
And now it's back to the judge! "Luckily," House says, "Alice Hartman has a mom who's willing to see reason." Again with the deja vu. The judge agrees with me. "I honestly figured I'd get a different judge today," House admits. The judge asks Edie if she agrees with House now, and this just makes Edie and Rob start arguing again. And then the judge is all, "Hey, zip it! I've heard enough." As if I didn't like her before she started telling those two to shut up. "This lawyering thing is easy," House tells Cuddy out of the corner of his mouth. "You shut up, too," says the judge. Rock on, Your Honor! Because Alice's parents couldn't agree that shit stinks if their lives depended on it, the judge says she's decided to make a doctor Alice's temorary guardian. "A doctor who will place the health of the child above all else..." Cuddy starts to say that she thinks putting House in charge of the kid is a Really Bad Idea, but the judge interrupts her. "Dr. Cuddy." Cuddy says, "Yes, your Honor," but then the judge continues, "No, I was finishing my sentence. The kid's all yours." So now Cuddy has a temporary practice kid for when she finally does get knocked up.
As they walk out, House demands his pills, because it's 3:00. Cuddy, meanwhile, is angsting over how she's supposed to choose what's best for a kid she doesn't even know. "Fine, I'll choose," House says. "I'm gonna side with the angry doctor's opinion. Gimme my pills." Cuddy goes for the pills in her purse, saying that broad-spectrum antibiotics are a Really Bad Idea if she's allergic. They argue for a moment about whether there's a chance of it or not, and Cuddy tells him to pick one antibiotic. House argues that it won't be enough. Cuddy overrules him, and picks metronidazole. She walks away, and House takes his Vicodin, closing his eyes for a moment and waiting for the sweet, sweet relief to kick in.
Back at PPTH, Tritter's talking to Foreman again. All he wants to know is how many pills House takes in a day, so he can prove House didn't have enough legitimate prescriptions for all of them. Foreman's just examining his nails, looking unimpressed. "I really hope no one dies while I'm sitting here not talking to you," he says. Tritter goes on to give us backstory involving Foreman's brother being in jail for drugs, and how Foreman doesn't ever visit him, but when Foreman's boss does drugs, he lies to the cops. "If I run out for coffee, will I be back before you make your point?" Foreman asks, speaking for all of us. Tritter offers to get Foreman's brother (Marcus) out on parole "in less than two months" if Foreman will testitfy. Because obviously Foreman cares so much for him. Foreman goes on to say as much, and Tritter calls him on the fact that he's not exactly innocent, either. "Now, you and Dr. House... You are both cold bastards," Tritter says. "You don't give a damn about your brother, and you can't stand House. But I do expect you to take this deal, because you hate hypocrisy more. House has had a thousand chances. You had two chances. Why is your brother stuck at one?" Foreman just says nothing.
Cuddy's telling the stupid fucking idiots... I mean, Alice's parents... that Alice hasn't had an allergic reaction to her antibiotics yet, so she probably won't have one at all. Rob starks about how "they occasionally get something right." which just sets off another pointless argument. Edie says she's suing for sole custody. While Edie goes on about what bad father Rob is, Cuddy notes with alarm that Alice's monitors are beeping faster and faster, as her pulse and blood presure skyrocket. Cuddy informs them of this fact and orders them both out. "I'm her mother! You can't just--" Edie says, not getting that yes, Cuddy can just, and has just. "You fight, she has an anxiety attack," Cuddy says, loading up a syringe. "The two of you are making her worse. Get out, and don't come back." YAY CUDDY! Rob gets out, while Edie stays, staring for a minute as whatever Cuddy injected Alice with takes effect, and her breathing slows.
"How's the kid doing?" Chase asks, walking into the meeting room. "Much better as of about two hours ago," Foreman says, by which we can surmise that it was two hours ago that Cuddy threw her parents out. He asks if Chase has any money for lunch, and Chase says that Tritter finally got to his accounts. What happened to withdrawing as much as possible as fast as possible? Don't tell me he spent it all already... Dumb rich boy. Foreman's surprised that Chase's account was frozen, and Chase wants to know why it wouldn't be. Foreman speculates that Chase being treated differently means he ratted on House, or is about to. "He doesn't freeze my accounts, I'm guilty. He does freeze my accounts, I'm guilty," Chase gripes. He just can't win. Edie comes in, asking if Alice is having a procedure done. Foreman replies that she's fine, and resting. "Where?" Edie asks. Chase says she's in her room, and Edie says she was just there, and Alice is gone, along with her backpack. Before she even finishes suggesting that Rob could have taken her, Chase is out of his chair, telling Foreman to call security as he leaves to go looking for Alice.
Once in the lobby, Chase looks around, then starts running forward, ordering the nurse at the front desk to get a gurney. "She's stiff, she can't move," Rob says. "I don't know what happened. I mean, she seemed fine." THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER OUT OF THE HOSPITAL BEFORE THE DOCTORS SAY IT'S OKAY, ASSWIPE! Chase checks to see if Alice is breathing as Rob begs him to "help her, please." Rob hands Alice over to Chase, and... It's time for a commercial break!