Worries and Family Life
I'm going to admit to some things that I never thought I'd ever admit to.
First of which, my mother is too self absorbed. And I have to wonder if that isn't my fault to some degree. Ever since I turned 16, and possibly before as well, I've acted like a mother and treated her like a child. Now, its become so engraved that she can't break from it. But thats not good, I can handle it, but the 16 year-old sleeping in his bedroom right now, he can't.
Which brings me to my other issue, Travis has become depressed and quite possibly, has always been depressed, dating all the way back to when he was 7 years-old and diagnosed with ADHD. For one boy, he's gone through so damn much. And in a way, is the result of what he's become.
My mom may rely on me but Travis relies on her. And he's never allowed me to be what I am to our mom and I have to wonder if he doesn't resent me for it, which is understandable to an extent. But I can't talk to my mom about it because she's so far gone in her own depression that any words spoken from truth will only make her go into a break down.
She was the first to say that Travis is depressed, about 6 months if not a year ago, and I didn't believe that was true. I fought day and night with the both of them for different reasons, mostly trying to find my own ground to stand up on and I honestly thought that Travis was just being a spoiled brat but I now think its more that he always says yes, while I say no, so that he has the chance to say yes. On top of that, he ask for things even when we may not have the money for it and I've always just waited, there never has been anything stopping me from making the same demands that he makes but I've just chosen not to.
There are days where I feel as if I am going out of mind and I just want to revert back to 3 year-old and pitch a fit. But I don't. Sure, I have my faults as well.
I'm not putting my mom down nor am I putting Travis down, but I am admitting to the fact that I don't know how to live and I don't know how to dig myself out of the hole that I've created without harming or hurting anyone else in the process. And there is no way in hell that I will be consciously doing so, especially when its my mother; who for the first 15 years of my life and so forth, has given all that she has to being a proper mother, regardless of how much she may rely on me.
She's starting to rebel against my mothering nature and thats a good thing, and there are times where I wish she would rebel more often, but good things come to those who wait.
Hopefully, with my patience, good things will arrive sooner rather that later. Because this family needs a miracle if not something more, before something terrible is to happen.
On a side note, Josh spoke to my mother tonight, in the hopes of what, I don't know. But I know this, he was correct in everything he said and I only hope that he takes what he's done and chooses to teach Travis the things he should have been teaching a child who's 5, if not 6, years younger than him. And in the process, rewriting the wrongs and habits he's helped install within my little brother. I don't blame him and I've never blamed him either, my only hope is that something good comes out of this in the end because if there is one person who Travis will watch and repeat the actions of, its Josh.
As for Ariel, she's still within that mirror; with the world that is opposite of my own and I can still see through her and her every lie that she tells and every sin that she commits and I know the truth before she knows it herself. All I have to say is; your going to fall and when you do, I'm going to be the only one already on the ground and you already know, thats exactly where you're going to find me. I only hope that you choose to look elsewhere, for I don't know how much more I can take before I eventually say "no more" for the last time.
You do have stupid stamped across your forehead, its just written in invisible ink that only I can see. Which is the reason why when you do a stupid thing, I'm allowed to call you stupid.
Oh my, sometimes I just want to sleep and maybe, when I awake, the world will have made itself right again; without me there to offer my help.
"Breathe (2 AM)"
2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.
Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
whoa breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.