Been a while
It's been quite some time since I have updated last. I think I may be done with this whole Live Journal Thing for a while. Not much point and not much time...
hmmmm....this is "complain about my life time"-read at your own risk
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Life pretty much sucks lately. In fact, I would say that the last month or two has been pretty rough and depressing. A lot of realities have been setting in. A LOT! The worst of which,(and the one that pretty much sums up the rest)being the realization that I am never going to amount to anything in life. Or at least not anything clsoe to what I had hoped and dreamed for. I dreamed big, let me tell you. And they were great while they lasted, but they are slowly fading away. It's really sad. Your brought up to think you can do anything you want to do and be anything you want to be, and when limits finally come into play, its a hard thing to grasp. Needless to say, I'm not taking them very well. I think they set in long before my recent notice of them and Ive just been in denial. Maybe thats just growing up and becoming an adult though. Going from the care and consequence free nature of childhood to the harsh reality of life. Note to self:Growing up sucks
And as if those oh-so cliche adolecent feelings were not bad enough, pretty much nothing has done anything to help. A lot of stuff has been happening all at once. Most dont know what I'm talking about but a few do. I would say though, that no one knows to everything and to the extent they effect me. I feel very alone. I've been playing mass amounts of solitaire lately if thats any idication. I have a some-what strong support system of close friends and I still feel alone. I can't even fathom what things would be like with out them. ie: Josh, Spanny, Frank, Rebecca, and Mr. Moy.-just to name a few. Weather it just be listening to what I have to say, or putting a smile on my face, it has helped a lot. It's funny because I never used to rely so heavily on others. I always was and wanted to be so self sufficient. And I still think I am, but people, such as the aforementioned, have really helped lately-Thanks
I feel a drastic change comming, comming very soon. I would say most if not all the people I have known well/long enough to tell, has gone through a significant change or several in the past few years. And I think compred to most, I have changed the least. But I feel that changing very soon. Im a little excited and a little worried. Im not exactly sure what this change will entail, but I do know, if people hate me now, there gonna really hate after this "change" occurs. And the sick thing is, I look forward to that aspect of it. I want people to dislike me. I want people to talk behind my back. I want to be left alone and untouched. I really dont care about much of anyone or anything anymore. I'm sick of high school. My honest opinion is that if you enjoy high school, your doing something wrong. Like picking on the weak, completely forgetting about the "school" part of things, lying, cheating, being dishonest or unfaithful to someone or something. I know there are exceptions sure, but for the most part, if your really enjoying this time in your life, I recomend taking a good hard look at yourself. I'm sure many disagree and I'm just trying to play god and rain on everyones parade, but whatever. Say what you will. But in my experience, most people treat this all like one big game, and everyone is looking for their own shot. For example, Im sure I may get a nice batch of corny heart-warming comments to this post, but chances are only a fraction of them will be genuine. Think how many times, and to how many people you have seen and said, "hey how are you?", and actually cared about the answer. How many times have you put on sympathetic front but actually felt sorry for that person and their situation. I think we are all guilty of that, myself included. But im sick of the falseness. It doesnt get anyone anywhere in the end. Thats just another sign of this drastic change I feel sweeping over me. if you dont like it, sweet. I 'd be willing to bet something I just said sparked some rage or anger in someone reading it, and go ahead, comment your opinion, talk about it to your friends. I think the fact that it bothers you so much proves my point better then any rebuttle I could come up with. And if everyone who reads this agrees with me, awesome. Maybe everyone feels this way, although doubtful. But maybe.
I guess I'm just bored with life and bored with most people and things I have to deal with everyday. I think apathy is just consuming my body. Most would hate it, but I long for the day when I am an emotionless droid with no feeling to get in my way or bring me pain. I know that day will come if I last long enough to get there. I thought about maybe taking my ipod and floating away to cuba or some deserted island close by. I would love not having to deal with everything and everyone anyore. But for right now I just cant wait to get out of school and maybe even out of this town and cut 99% of all ties I have. To that 1%, and you probably know who you are(apparently I have a tendency to keep people I really care about in the dark about that)thanks, and I only wish I knew more people like you in the world. To everyone else, I have nothing to say. I t honenstly think Im just going to cut off all communication anyone I dont feel is worthy of it.
I probably pissed off a ton of people off with this, and if i didnt, then you just didnt know what I was saying here was all to you. And thats fine too. Ignorance seems to be back in style as of late. But I think this is why its a good idea to stop writting here. I probably burned many a bridge with this entry and If i keep opening my mouth and speaking my mind, I wont have any left to burn.