Fic: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
Written for the reel_sga challenge.
Title: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
Author: Lilah Anne (perhael)
Prompt: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (1953)
Category: Slash, Crossover (SGA/SG-1), Humor
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Rating: PG, for mild language
Spoilers: Very mild, blink and you miss 'em for SGA (early) season 2 and SG-1 season 9.
Word count: ~2600
Love to: cimorene111 for the love and encouragement, wild_boys for telling me I could do it, and my dad for agreeing to proofread, even if he didn't understand the half of it.
Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
*
"I don't get it," Ronon said. He looked over at where Rodney was hugging the bowl of popcorn tightly to his chest, irritably swatting at John's grabby hands. "Explain it to me."
John paused in his quest for popcorn to answer him. "It's what we call the 'X-Factor'. Either you have it or you don't, and common consensus is that she's got it in spades."
"What is this movie called again?" Teyla asked, peering intently at the screen. It had been her turn to pick for the team's monthly movie night, but the concept of watching moving pictures in a box was still so alien to her that she had just picked one at random.
"'Some Like It Hot'," Rodney mumbled through a mouthful of popcorn. "It's a classic."
"She's just a chick," Ronon insisted, earning himself a reproachful look from Teyla. He shrugged it off. "I don't see what's so special about her."
"I must confess I find her quite intriguing. Although she does not appear to be very... clever," Teyla mused.
"She's the original dumb blonde," Rodney said, nodding appreciatively. He had loosened his death grip on the popcorn bowl, from which John was now happily munching.
"Hair color is very significant in your culture?" Teyla asked, curious.
"Well, see, it depends. It's a personal preference thing, really. Though they do say that blondes have more fun..." Rodney explained, pretending not to notice John stealing a large handful of popcorn from under his nose. "Anyway, I've always had a real thing for blondes, myself. Samantha Carter--"
A collective groan went up at the mention of Colonel Carter. Teyla raised a skeptic eyebrow at McKay, surreptitiously indicating John with a jerk of her chin. Rodney frantically shook his head at her, blushing to the tips of his ears. "Well, she's very pretty," he muttered, crossing his arms over his chest. "And she's not a complete idiot."
"Yeah, I'll bet she's just a-maaazing," John said, trying not to sound bitter (and failing, if Teyla's pointed look was any indication).
Rodney looked cross. "I'll have you know Samantha Carter is a wonderful woman. One I came this close to... being with, if you catch my drift."
John rolled his eyes, snatching away the entire bowl of popcorn. "Oh come on, McKay, she was never interested in you. I'll bet you anything she's slept with the entire SGC by now. Even you can do better than that."
"Oh, very classy, Major," Rodney grumped. "And how, exactly, would you know this? As I recall, you've never met the woman."
"Lieutenant Colonel," John said, pouting. "And I've heard stories."
Sheppard pouting was a very attractive sight, but Rodney manfully refused to be distracted. "I think you should stop judging people by your own standards, Colonel," he sniffed. "Samantha Carter is a respectable woman."
"Oh, and you're saying I'm not?" John asked, hotly. Teyla gave him another twist of her eyebrow.
"This is a ridiculous discussion," Rodney humphed. "I'm going to bed. Goodnight."
Ronon took advantage of the situation by appropriating himself of the forgotten popcorn. He knew opportunity when he saw it.
*
A week later, the argument was as good as forgotten. The team went on a moderately successful mission, returning from M6X-177 with three crates of almost-apples and most of their virtue still intact. They were on their way from the jumper bay to the control room when Rodney stopped dead in his tracks, causing John to bump into him.
"Hey!" John frowned, elbowing his way past the unmoving scientist.
Rodney's eyes were bulging, his mouth hanging open in a way that made him look suspiciously like a dead fish. "Am I hallucinating again?"
John simply rolled his eyes and thwapped him across the head. "Pleasure to meet you, Miss...?" He extended his hand to the pretty blonde in front of him, grinning disarmingly. Next to him, Rodney was still gaping.
"Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter, USAF," the blonde said, shaking his offered hand. "You must be Colonel Sheppard. I've heard a lot about you."
John could feel the corners of his mouth strain with the effort to keep smiling. "Ah," he said, self-consciously retracting his hand. "Likewise. I, ah, thought the Ori were keeping you guys busy over in the Milky Way?"
"Why, that's exactly why I'm here," Sam replied, all easy smiles and confidence. " I came here to investigate the possibility of using the Ancient technology you've discovered in the fight against the Ori. It was Dr. Jackson's idea. He was gutted when Colonel O'Neill forbade him to take the trip himself."
"Dr. McKay? Are you going to introduce us?" Teyla asked, but Rodney was saved from answering by Elizabeth's timely arrival.
"Let me do the honors," she said, smiling brightly. "Teyla, Ronon, meet Colonel Samantha Carter. Sam, this is Teyla Emmagan," she gestured at Teyla, who politely inclined her head, "and Ronon Dex." Dex grunted.
Elizabeth was positively beaming. "In addition to being one of Earth's leading astrophysicists, Samantha is also a close personal friend of mine, and I'm delighted to welcome her to Atlantis." She turned to Sam, enveloping her in a brief but heartfelt hug. "It's so good to see you again! How was your trip?"
"Oh, you know, I spent eleven days cooped up aboard a giant spaceship. What's not to like?" Sam grinned. "Besides, Colonel Caldwell was most gentlemanly. He tells the most fascinating stories about life in the Pegasus galaxy. I simply didn't have the chance to get bored."
"Yeah, he's a real charmer," John said sarcastically. She ignored him.
"Sam, why don't you go and get settled in your rooms? I have some things to tie up in the control room, but I'll drop by and see you as soon as possible. I'm dying to hear all the Earth gossip," Elizabeth said.
"I'll look forward to it. It'll be just like old times!"
Even John had to admit that the sway of Sam's hips as she walked away was mesmerizing.
"Gentlemen, I trust you'll behave yourselves?" Elizabeth said, making it an order. "Right then. I'll be in my office if anyone needs me."
"You can pick your jaw up off the floor now, McKay," Sheppard scowled.
McKay frowned, a defiant tilt to his chin. "You're being ridiculous again, Colonel."
"I was being ridiculous? How about you and your pathetic crush on Carter? Jesus, Rodney, she was practically gloating about her little sex romp with Caldwell. Can't you see she's laughing at you behind your back?"
Rodney's jaw clenched. "Congratulations, Colonel, on once again managing to be completely and utterly wrong about everything. I hope your delusions keep you warm at night."
Teyla turned to Sheppard as Rodney stomped off down the hallway. "Was that really necessary, Colonel?"
Sheppard was still scowling. "It's his own stupid fault anyway, him and his ridiculous 'thing' for blondes," he said, subconsciously running a hand through his own (decidedly brown) hair. Ronon and Teyla shared a Look.
"I'll show him," John vowed, already walking in the direction of his quarters. "I'll prove to him that she's cheating with Caldwell, and then there'll be no use denying."
Teyla sighed. She wondered if it was a habit of Earthlings to make things so needlessly complicated for themselves. Was it not clear to anyone with eyes that Samantha Carter was not the Colonel Dr. McKay was interested in, and that there was no reason for Colonel Sheppard to be jealous? How could it be that they themselves had not realized it yet?
She did not know how to resolve this situation. She had heard of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell', but perhaps she could approach Dr. Weir with this problem in a more circumspect manner. She would simply tell her she was concerned about Colonel Sheppard, and hope that Elizabeth would take her meaning.
Ronon followed her to the gate room, shaking his head and muttering something that sounded suspiciously like "Hope they get hit by a clue bus."
*
Elizabeth was humming to herself as she made her way towards Sam's quarters. Since coming to Atlantis, she'd found that she missed the girl talk and gossip sessions more than she'd expected. She was looking forward to catching up on old times.
She stopped dead in her tracks when she spotted John Sheppard, crouched behind a 10,000 year old potted plant, snapping pictures through the transparent glass doors of Sam's quarters. Her first instinct was to call out and demand to know what the hell he thought he was doing, but she kept herself in check. If she went about this the right way, she told herself, she might find out the source of Sheppard's recent odd behavior. Teyla's report had been quite worrying.
Having thus decided, Elizabeth stayed out of sight until John left, disappearing around the corner just in time before Colonel Caldwell stepped out into the hallway.
"It was a real pleasure, ma'am," Caldwell said, bending slightly to kiss Carter's hand. She giggled. Elizabeth groaned inwardly.
As soon as Caldwell had left, she swiped into Sam's rooms. "Lizzy! There you are!" Sam beamed.
Elizabeth was frowning. "Sit down, Sam," she ordered. "You've got some explaining to do, missy. It seems you've just gotten yourself into quite a jam."
*
"Oh God," Sam gasped. "John was spying on me?"
Elizabeth nodded, her brow still furrowed. "Teyla told me John is hell-bent on proving to McKay that you're not being faithful to him. Though God knows why he thinks it's any of his business."
"But I'm not even with McKay! I can't help that he has this ridiculous crush on me!"
"I know, Sam," Elizabeth said, laying a hand on her friend's shoulder. "But listen, this is important: were you and Colonel Caldwell engaging in any... incriminating activity when John took those pictures?"
"What? No! I would never... anyway, it doesn't matter. Let Rodney see them, maybe it will help him get over his stupid obsession."
Elizabeth sighed. "Look, Sam, it's not that simple. If pictures of you and Caldwell start circulating Atlantis, it could cost you both your careers. Now think, because John obviously saw something he thought was worth taking a picture of. Were you doing anything that could be construed as an act of intimacy?"
Sam bit her lower lip, looking up at Elizabeth with wide, innocent eyes. "Well, no! Actually, Colonel Caldwell was just telling me about the Wraith. How they put their hand on your chest like so..." she mimed the movement with her arm, "and how they suck the life force out of their victim's chest, and... oh, no..." she trailed off, shooting a desperate look at her friend.
"What is it? Sam, what did you do?" Elizabeth said, shaking Sam by the shoulders in her urgency.
"I... well, it's just that he was trying to show me how it was done, and... well, he was the Wraith, and I was the victim."
Elizabeth stopped her shaking abruptly. "He had his hand on your chest? Oh, Sam, how could you?"
"It was all in innocence!" Sam protested, flopping down on the sofa despondently.
Elizabeth pursed her lips and exhaled, slowly. "Sam. We've got to get that roll of film, before he has a chance to develop it." She paced the room, hands on her hips. "You are so lucky he wasn't using a digital camera. We at least stand a good chance now."
"But how are we going to get it back?" Sam asked, miserably.
"Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll order John to come see me, supposedly to discuss security protocol... once he's inside, we ply him with drinks. Carson owes me a favor, so obtaining whiskey should prove easy. Slipping a little sleeping pill in there probably wouldn't hurt, either. Now, John will make sure to keep the film on his person at all times, he's not stupid. Probably has it in his jacket pocket. We get him drunk, take off his jacket, and take the film. He won't notice a thing until it's far too late."
"Elizabeth," Sam beamed. "You are a genius!"
Elizabeth smirked. "No, just a very wicked woman. Now, it'll have to take place in my quarters, not the control tower. There's no privacy."
*
"Elizabeth," Sam said, voice wavering a little. "Liz. It's not here."
"What?" Elizabeth spun around, taking the jacket from a despondent looking Carter. "It has to be there! Have you checked for inside pockets?" She asked, quickly and efficiently rummaging around through the pockets herself. "Damn. It's not here!"
"I told you so!" Sam pouted. "I'm perfectly capable of checking someone's pockets, you know."
Elizabeth took no notice. She snapped her fingers, thrusting the jacket into Sam's arms. "His pants. It must be in his pants' pockets. Quick, let's take them off," she said, already tugging at the zipper.
"Hey," John slurred, stumbling backwards and collapsing into Elizabeth's lounging chair. "'S my pants!"
"Elizabeth, are you sure about this?" Sam asked anxiously.
"Yes," Elizabeth said pointedly, tugging on John's trouser legs. "Now hurry up."
"I don't feel so good..." John warbled.
"Got them! Quick, into the bedroom," Elizabeth said, pulling her accomplice with her.
John lay slumped half off his chair as the women retreated into the bedroom, crowing their victory. It was, he decided, time to take a little nap. Something urgent was pushing at the back of his mind, something he had to take care of... something important. But he was so, so very sleepy...
In the bedroom, Sam emerged victoriously from her search of John's pants. "Here it is!"
"Alright, lets get back in there and get John back in his pants. We need to get him to his own quarters before anyone starts to wonder where he is."
They had barely begun the struggle of getting a mostly-asleep John back into his pants when the door to Elizabeth's quarters burst open and a furious Rodney stormed in, face red with excitement. "Elizabeth! Have you seen-- oh my God."
"Rodney!" Sam yelped, dropping John's pants in surprise.
"Oh my God, Sheppard was right about you. You are a sex-crazed man-eater sleeping your way around the Stargate program, and now you're going to use your wiles on him and... wait, is he drugged? You drugged him! I can't believe this!"
"Look, Rodney, I can explain--"
"Silence, harpy! I can't believe I ever wanted to have sex with you!"
"Mnnnggh," John moaned from where he lay, still slumped in Elizabeth's armchair. Rodney broke off his tirade to hurry to John's side, feeling John's forehead with his palm.
"You idiot," McKay reprimanded him. "How typical of you to go about losing your pants --and very nearly your virtue-- to someone like Carter. Sometimes I wonder if you even have a brain under all that hair."
"Hey..." John mumbled, thinking he ought to be offended. He couldn't quite muster up any real protest, though, not with Rodney's wide blue eyes right there in front of him, the obvious concern in them belying any hurtful intent.
"What were you even doing here? Why him?" he asked, turning to Sam.
Before she could answer, however, John mumbled, "Caught her cheating. Got pictures. Proof."
"Cheating?" McKay asked, bewildered. "Cheating on who?"
John blinked, dumbfounded. "Uhh. You?"
"Me! But I'm not with Sam, you whackjob!"
"You're in love with her!"
McKay sighed. It was his put-upon, I'm-surrounded-by-idiots sigh. "Of course not. I'm in love with you, you moron."
"But... but you like blondes!" John protested, sitting up.
Rodney just grinned, shaking his head fondly. "You're an idiot," he proclaimed, and kissed John soundly on the lips.
*
The End
Title: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
Author: Lilah Anne (perhael)
Prompt: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (1953)
Category: Slash, Crossover (SGA/SG-1), Humor
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Rating: PG, for mild language
Spoilers: Very mild, blink and you miss 'em for SGA (early) season 2 and SG-1 season 9.
Word count: ~2600
Love to: cimorene111 for the love and encouragement, wild_boys for telling me I could do it, and my dad for agreeing to proofread, even if he didn't understand the half of it.
Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
*
"I don't get it," Ronon said. He looked over at where Rodney was hugging the bowl of popcorn tightly to his chest, irritably swatting at John's grabby hands. "Explain it to me."
John paused in his quest for popcorn to answer him. "It's what we call the 'X-Factor'. Either you have it or you don't, and common consensus is that she's got it in spades."
"What is this movie called again?" Teyla asked, peering intently at the screen. It had been her turn to pick for the team's monthly movie night, but the concept of watching moving pictures in a box was still so alien to her that she had just picked one at random.
"'Some Like It Hot'," Rodney mumbled through a mouthful of popcorn. "It's a classic."
"She's just a chick," Ronon insisted, earning himself a reproachful look from Teyla. He shrugged it off. "I don't see what's so special about her."
"I must confess I find her quite intriguing. Although she does not appear to be very... clever," Teyla mused.
"She's the original dumb blonde," Rodney said, nodding appreciatively. He had loosened his death grip on the popcorn bowl, from which John was now happily munching.
"Hair color is very significant in your culture?" Teyla asked, curious.
"Well, see, it depends. It's a personal preference thing, really. Though they do say that blondes have more fun..." Rodney explained, pretending not to notice John stealing a large handful of popcorn from under his nose. "Anyway, I've always had a real thing for blondes, myself. Samantha Carter--"
A collective groan went up at the mention of Colonel Carter. Teyla raised a skeptic eyebrow at McKay, surreptitiously indicating John with a jerk of her chin. Rodney frantically shook his head at her, blushing to the tips of his ears. "Well, she's very pretty," he muttered, crossing his arms over his chest. "And she's not a complete idiot."
"Yeah, I'll bet she's just a-maaazing," John said, trying not to sound bitter (and failing, if Teyla's pointed look was any indication).
Rodney looked cross. "I'll have you know Samantha Carter is a wonderful woman. One I came this close to... being with, if you catch my drift."
John rolled his eyes, snatching away the entire bowl of popcorn. "Oh come on, McKay, she was never interested in you. I'll bet you anything she's slept with the entire SGC by now. Even you can do better than that."
"Oh, very classy, Major," Rodney grumped. "And how, exactly, would you know this? As I recall, you've never met the woman."
"Lieutenant Colonel," John said, pouting. "And I've heard stories."
Sheppard pouting was a very attractive sight, but Rodney manfully refused to be distracted. "I think you should stop judging people by your own standards, Colonel," he sniffed. "Samantha Carter is a respectable woman."
"Oh, and you're saying I'm not?" John asked, hotly. Teyla gave him another twist of her eyebrow.
"This is a ridiculous discussion," Rodney humphed. "I'm going to bed. Goodnight."
Ronon took advantage of the situation by appropriating himself of the forgotten popcorn. He knew opportunity when he saw it.
*
A week later, the argument was as good as forgotten. The team went on a moderately successful mission, returning from M6X-177 with three crates of almost-apples and most of their virtue still intact. They were on their way from the jumper bay to the control room when Rodney stopped dead in his tracks, causing John to bump into him.
"Hey!" John frowned, elbowing his way past the unmoving scientist.
Rodney's eyes were bulging, his mouth hanging open in a way that made him look suspiciously like a dead fish. "Am I hallucinating again?"
John simply rolled his eyes and thwapped him across the head. "Pleasure to meet you, Miss...?" He extended his hand to the pretty blonde in front of him, grinning disarmingly. Next to him, Rodney was still gaping.
"Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter, USAF," the blonde said, shaking his offered hand. "You must be Colonel Sheppard. I've heard a lot about you."
John could feel the corners of his mouth strain with the effort to keep smiling. "Ah," he said, self-consciously retracting his hand. "Likewise. I, ah, thought the Ori were keeping you guys busy over in the Milky Way?"
"Why, that's exactly why I'm here," Sam replied, all easy smiles and confidence. " I came here to investigate the possibility of using the Ancient technology you've discovered in the fight against the Ori. It was Dr. Jackson's idea. He was gutted when Colonel O'Neill forbade him to take the trip himself."
"Dr. McKay? Are you going to introduce us?" Teyla asked, but Rodney was saved from answering by Elizabeth's timely arrival.
"Let me do the honors," she said, smiling brightly. "Teyla, Ronon, meet Colonel Samantha Carter. Sam, this is Teyla Emmagan," she gestured at Teyla, who politely inclined her head, "and Ronon Dex." Dex grunted.
Elizabeth was positively beaming. "In addition to being one of Earth's leading astrophysicists, Samantha is also a close personal friend of mine, and I'm delighted to welcome her to Atlantis." She turned to Sam, enveloping her in a brief but heartfelt hug. "It's so good to see you again! How was your trip?"
"Oh, you know, I spent eleven days cooped up aboard a giant spaceship. What's not to like?" Sam grinned. "Besides, Colonel Caldwell was most gentlemanly. He tells the most fascinating stories about life in the Pegasus galaxy. I simply didn't have the chance to get bored."
"Yeah, he's a real charmer," John said sarcastically. She ignored him.
"Sam, why don't you go and get settled in your rooms? I have some things to tie up in the control room, but I'll drop by and see you as soon as possible. I'm dying to hear all the Earth gossip," Elizabeth said.
"I'll look forward to it. It'll be just like old times!"
Even John had to admit that the sway of Sam's hips as she walked away was mesmerizing.
"Gentlemen, I trust you'll behave yourselves?" Elizabeth said, making it an order. "Right then. I'll be in my office if anyone needs me."
"You can pick your jaw up off the floor now, McKay," Sheppard scowled.
McKay frowned, a defiant tilt to his chin. "You're being ridiculous again, Colonel."
"I was being ridiculous? How about you and your pathetic crush on Carter? Jesus, Rodney, she was practically gloating about her little sex romp with Caldwell. Can't you see she's laughing at you behind your back?"
Rodney's jaw clenched. "Congratulations, Colonel, on once again managing to be completely and utterly wrong about everything. I hope your delusions keep you warm at night."
Teyla turned to Sheppard as Rodney stomped off down the hallway. "Was that really necessary, Colonel?"
Sheppard was still scowling. "It's his own stupid fault anyway, him and his ridiculous 'thing' for blondes," he said, subconsciously running a hand through his own (decidedly brown) hair. Ronon and Teyla shared a Look.
"I'll show him," John vowed, already walking in the direction of his quarters. "I'll prove to him that she's cheating with Caldwell, and then there'll be no use denying."
Teyla sighed. She wondered if it was a habit of Earthlings to make things so needlessly complicated for themselves. Was it not clear to anyone with eyes that Samantha Carter was not the Colonel Dr. McKay was interested in, and that there was no reason for Colonel Sheppard to be jealous? How could it be that they themselves had not realized it yet?
She did not know how to resolve this situation. She had heard of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell', but perhaps she could approach Dr. Weir with this problem in a more circumspect manner. She would simply tell her she was concerned about Colonel Sheppard, and hope that Elizabeth would take her meaning.
Ronon followed her to the gate room, shaking his head and muttering something that sounded suspiciously like "Hope they get hit by a clue bus."
*
Elizabeth was humming to herself as she made her way towards Sam's quarters. Since coming to Atlantis, she'd found that she missed the girl talk and gossip sessions more than she'd expected. She was looking forward to catching up on old times.
She stopped dead in her tracks when she spotted John Sheppard, crouched behind a 10,000 year old potted plant, snapping pictures through the transparent glass doors of Sam's quarters. Her first instinct was to call out and demand to know what the hell he thought he was doing, but she kept herself in check. If she went about this the right way, she told herself, she might find out the source of Sheppard's recent odd behavior. Teyla's report had been quite worrying.
Having thus decided, Elizabeth stayed out of sight until John left, disappearing around the corner just in time before Colonel Caldwell stepped out into the hallway.
"It was a real pleasure, ma'am," Caldwell said, bending slightly to kiss Carter's hand. She giggled. Elizabeth groaned inwardly.
As soon as Caldwell had left, she swiped into Sam's rooms. "Lizzy! There you are!" Sam beamed.
Elizabeth was frowning. "Sit down, Sam," she ordered. "You've got some explaining to do, missy. It seems you've just gotten yourself into quite a jam."
*
"Oh God," Sam gasped. "John was spying on me?"
Elizabeth nodded, her brow still furrowed. "Teyla told me John is hell-bent on proving to McKay that you're not being faithful to him. Though God knows why he thinks it's any of his business."
"But I'm not even with McKay! I can't help that he has this ridiculous crush on me!"
"I know, Sam," Elizabeth said, laying a hand on her friend's shoulder. "But listen, this is important: were you and Colonel Caldwell engaging in any... incriminating activity when John took those pictures?"
"What? No! I would never... anyway, it doesn't matter. Let Rodney see them, maybe it will help him get over his stupid obsession."
Elizabeth sighed. "Look, Sam, it's not that simple. If pictures of you and Caldwell start circulating Atlantis, it could cost you both your careers. Now think, because John obviously saw something he thought was worth taking a picture of. Were you doing anything that could be construed as an act of intimacy?"
Sam bit her lower lip, looking up at Elizabeth with wide, innocent eyes. "Well, no! Actually, Colonel Caldwell was just telling me about the Wraith. How they put their hand on your chest like so..." she mimed the movement with her arm, "and how they suck the life force out of their victim's chest, and... oh, no..." she trailed off, shooting a desperate look at her friend.
"What is it? Sam, what did you do?" Elizabeth said, shaking Sam by the shoulders in her urgency.
"I... well, it's just that he was trying to show me how it was done, and... well, he was the Wraith, and I was the victim."
Elizabeth stopped her shaking abruptly. "He had his hand on your chest? Oh, Sam, how could you?"
"It was all in innocence!" Sam protested, flopping down on the sofa despondently.
Elizabeth pursed her lips and exhaled, slowly. "Sam. We've got to get that roll of film, before he has a chance to develop it." She paced the room, hands on her hips. "You are so lucky he wasn't using a digital camera. We at least stand a good chance now."
"But how are we going to get it back?" Sam asked, miserably.
"Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll order John to come see me, supposedly to discuss security protocol... once he's inside, we ply him with drinks. Carson owes me a favor, so obtaining whiskey should prove easy. Slipping a little sleeping pill in there probably wouldn't hurt, either. Now, John will make sure to keep the film on his person at all times, he's not stupid. Probably has it in his jacket pocket. We get him drunk, take off his jacket, and take the film. He won't notice a thing until it's far too late."
"Elizabeth," Sam beamed. "You are a genius!"
Elizabeth smirked. "No, just a very wicked woman. Now, it'll have to take place in my quarters, not the control tower. There's no privacy."
*
"Elizabeth," Sam said, voice wavering a little. "Liz. It's not here."
"What?" Elizabeth spun around, taking the jacket from a despondent looking Carter. "It has to be there! Have you checked for inside pockets?" She asked, quickly and efficiently rummaging around through the pockets herself. "Damn. It's not here!"
"I told you so!" Sam pouted. "I'm perfectly capable of checking someone's pockets, you know."
Elizabeth took no notice. She snapped her fingers, thrusting the jacket into Sam's arms. "His pants. It must be in his pants' pockets. Quick, let's take them off," she said, already tugging at the zipper.
"Hey," John slurred, stumbling backwards and collapsing into Elizabeth's lounging chair. "'S my pants!"
"Elizabeth, are you sure about this?" Sam asked anxiously.
"Yes," Elizabeth said pointedly, tugging on John's trouser legs. "Now hurry up."
"I don't feel so good..." John warbled.
"Got them! Quick, into the bedroom," Elizabeth said, pulling her accomplice with her.
John lay slumped half off his chair as the women retreated into the bedroom, crowing their victory. It was, he decided, time to take a little nap. Something urgent was pushing at the back of his mind, something he had to take care of... something important. But he was so, so very sleepy...
In the bedroom, Sam emerged victoriously from her search of John's pants. "Here it is!"
"Alright, lets get back in there and get John back in his pants. We need to get him to his own quarters before anyone starts to wonder where he is."
They had barely begun the struggle of getting a mostly-asleep John back into his pants when the door to Elizabeth's quarters burst open and a furious Rodney stormed in, face red with excitement. "Elizabeth! Have you seen-- oh my God."
"Rodney!" Sam yelped, dropping John's pants in surprise.
"Oh my God, Sheppard was right about you. You are a sex-crazed man-eater sleeping your way around the Stargate program, and now you're going to use your wiles on him and... wait, is he drugged? You drugged him! I can't believe this!"
"Look, Rodney, I can explain--"
"Silence, harpy! I can't believe I ever wanted to have sex with you!"
"Mnnnggh," John moaned from where he lay, still slumped in Elizabeth's armchair. Rodney broke off his tirade to hurry to John's side, feeling John's forehead with his palm.
"You idiot," McKay reprimanded him. "How typical of you to go about losing your pants --and very nearly your virtue-- to someone like Carter. Sometimes I wonder if you even have a brain under all that hair."
"Hey..." John mumbled, thinking he ought to be offended. He couldn't quite muster up any real protest, though, not with Rodney's wide blue eyes right there in front of him, the obvious concern in them belying any hurtful intent.
"What were you even doing here? Why him?" he asked, turning to Sam.
Before she could answer, however, John mumbled, "Caught her cheating. Got pictures. Proof."
"Cheating?" McKay asked, bewildered. "Cheating on who?"
John blinked, dumbfounded. "Uhh. You?"
"Me! But I'm not with Sam, you whackjob!"
"You're in love with her!"
McKay sighed. It was his put-upon, I'm-surrounded-by-idiots sigh. "Of course not. I'm in love with you, you moron."
"But... but you like blondes!" John protested, sitting up.
Rodney just grinned, shaking his head fondly. "You're an idiot," he proclaimed, and kissed John soundly on the lips.
*
The End