(no subject)
give me proof that i should be here that i should be alive that i should still be breathing give me vision of thousands of miles of dreams and of certainty give me the capacity to hold all the knowledge the world has to offer give me the voice of the angels that sing in heaven the voice of a thousand million who choose to free themselves from their oppressors give me inspiration to create art that transcends beauty and meaning words of wisdom and images that can hold your eyes your soul your everything and shake you from your core give me perfection give me beauty give me grace give me something i can show my parents to let them know that when the time comes for them to leave the earth that they have not wasted their efforts on me that they have raised me well that i am smart i am wonderful and i am worth something because at the end of the four year history course i will go to law school and earn money and power and prestige and i will make good with what they left behind i will continue my fathers legacy
and i say all this and my resolve crumbles and i am weak and i am ugly and when i disappoint myself i disappoint everyone else around me i am filled with nothing and i am dull and i am desolate and when i laugh its because of fear and fear takes me fear makes it all escalate and my so called sadness speaks through my skin my so called tragedy screams and pours itself out of every small hole in my body and i am dramatic and i am scared yet the wind howls and the doors slam and the dragonflies whizz through the field the smoke continues to fill my lungs and the caffeine pulses through my veins
i asked for an arrow and they gave me wings i encouraged independence and they refuted my claim i wanted the white halls of a college that spawned artists but i am in the school that stands on a hill that stands proud that stands through storms as its occupants continue to have their umbrellas broken by the gales and it was only last night that my sister posed the question that i was hoping i would never have to ask myself a question i was saving after graduation after four years but it happened are you happy where you are and it hurt me because i wasnt happy but i was not completely wrecked about my decision i was standing precisely on the border of those conflicting notions and i am on tip toe because no i am not happy but also no i am not completely regretting my actions either because i have always worked with what i had and if this is what i have to work with so be it