one to ten
13
im so fucking sick of feeling angry and upset every time i see your face and hear your voice and you in general because im not sure if i want to admit to myself and to the world that im terribly jealous and where did i go wrong in my choices for friendship is it because of the things i liked is it because i was so distracted by everything im so upset that were friends i mean its okay that we are its just that what the actual fuck why am i so mad at you upset at you why is everything you want to become something i hold against you why do i feel like such a backstabber even if i didn't mean to and i could actually i could actually go up to you one day and apologise profusely and grip you by the shoulders and tell you over and over and over again how pathetically sorry i am that im feeling this way toward you that i want to hate you so much but i have no valid reason to there is no law that dictates that what i feel is right therefore i apologise and i shout my im sorries in my head until it aches and i hesitate when i see you because im at a point where im not sure if im going to end up punching you or shoving you out of the way or hugging you and crying on your shoulder and thats the most terrible part because were friends were friends were friends were friends and that is supposed to mean something because i somehow awkwardly stuck up for you at some point and you let me cry on you once or twice and we had feelings together and you made me laugh a whole lot now im sad because when you bring up old jokes it cuts these sutures open and these things i have been hiding for the past so and so year years they fill out and they leak and im still scared as shit that maybe one day i will explode and everything i have done to keep it together will be ruined and run down into the dirt and i know that time heals and time forgives and that things like that things like drama happen but the process that it takes to heal and forgive is long and painful and needlessly so so im here apologising on a wall with words because i dont have the heart mind soul naivete conscience anything anything to tell you everything to tell you that i loved when you all loved and i still loved even after that and that it hurt me more than it could hurt you because you are utterly more expressive than i could ever be in my seventeen years of existence and that by being more expressive and not by being subtle that you have earned your rewards and that your own scars were worth everything you risked it for because now you have something that youve wanted you have it and i lost so much and i didnt even know i was losing
54
im so sorry that this is the only thing i can do im so sorry im not brilliant im not an overly amazing artist mathematician anything im sorry im nothing special im sorry i cant be a genius im sorry i cant be thin and beautiful im sorry that im so young im sorry that im irrelevant sometimes most of the time all of the time im sorry that i buy too many books im sorry that i spend so much money im sorry im sorry im sorry please come home please come home please come home i cant do this without you i cant do anything with my life im scared and lost and i have never felt this type of loneliness before in a house so large and im going to try harder i promise to be better but im scared to take the first steps please be there please be there please be there please be there
21
i dont know what to do with you and i wish i knew i wish i could burn the memory of you like letters in a box and watch the ashes flutter away into the night sky i wish i could down the memory of you like a shot of tequila nearly regurgitated and chased by something orange that will make me feel a million times better into the evening i wish i could just let it go like tipping a glass of water into the sink because its just water and it travels through the pipes and will be cleansed and gone before i can wake up the next morning i dont know what to do with you and i wish i knew the secret of memory erasure because i dont want to remember because it seems to hurt me more than i could have possibly imagined because i wake up in the middle of a dream and youre there and it breaks my heart to know that even my dreams tell me that were still together and if i believed in the possible infinite alternate universes there is more than one where we have ended up together still and somehow one of them is a possibility where we are together now i want those dreams to stop and we left on an awkward note and it wasnt breaking no it was fading we let ourselves fade apart because we were both reluctant to leave it be because it bothered us both and that was a terrible thing and it gave me too many emotions to know that you were in love again and i suddenly felt terrible being jealous that you had found someone worthwhile as i sit here idling my days away wondering if i will make any attempts to be happy at all
31
were magic and were beautiful and now there are no words to describe us what we are did i say something to you now you wont talk to me i was just being honest im sorry i didnt mean to maybe it was buried underneath you maybe you were waiting for a moment to say it because you pulled away so quick and i thought i was going to lose you but i was wrong because i lost sight of you after summer and now youre floating away like a balloon to the stratosphere and i hope you dont pop because youre a brilliant colour and i guess i love you but its hard to know now maybe its pointless flirting maybe its just me im sorry i did that to you but i think it may be slightly justifiable after what i went through (its not justifiable at all actually) im sorry and dont be sad dont be depressed someone loves you i promise