NaNoWriMo Day 14
February 23rd, -0- total days till graduation, -0- days left of school
Lucky for me winter recess was Monday and Tuesday so I missed less school than I might have otherwise. Today’s my first day back and I can feel everyone staring at me. If they don’t already know what happened, they want to know but are too afraid to ask.
The police had to release Tyler as soon as I said that I didn’t want to press charges so I expect that I’ll see him for the first time since my hospital visit today. This is making me both nervous and anxious and by third hour I work myself up into a panic attack with is bad because I can’t take a deep enough breath to sustain hyperventilating.
So when my third hour teacher sends me to the counseling office, I don’t argue. I have to sit in the waiting area for about 20 minutes before Mrs. Boswell finishes her peer mediation appointment and calls me into her office. She immediately sets a pad of paper and pencil on the desk in front of me.
“Tell me what’s going on , Melissa.”
I’m nervous about seeing Tyler.
“You’re going to continue seeing him then?”
Yes. I love him.
“I know you do. Would you prefer you see Tyler under supervision first?”
What do you mean?
“Well we could ask Tyler to come down to my office and I could lead any conversation you two might want to have.”
You can do that?
“Only with your permission. He may be startled by what he did to you. I doubt he knows how badly he really did hurt you.” And by that she means that she was startled when she saw me and she can’t imagine how he wouldn’t be. I hadn’t even bothered to try and cover the bruises. It didn’t seem like there was much point since my jaw is still wired shut and there’s no good way to cover that up.
I think that’d be good. I pause for a second the pen still posed above the paper signaling that I’m thinking. I want to pick my words carefully. I don’t want her to get the wrong idea. But after a couple seconds I realize that there really is only one way to say it. I’m kinda afraid of seeing him.
“After the injuries you suffered I think that’s very understandable,” she smiles at me. “You tell me when you’re ready to see him. We can sit and just talk until you’re then.”
Okay, thanks. I think I’m ready to see him now though.
“I’ll send a pass for him.” She gets on the phone and asks the receptionist at the front desk to write a pass for Tyler. When she’s hung up the phone she turns back to me. “So you were sent down here because you were having a panic attack. Was that brought on just because you’re nervous about seeing Tyler?”
That and everyone is just staring at me. I feel like I’m on show for everyone.
“So you wish that your injuries weren’t as visible?”
I mean of course I wish it’d never happened. But yeah. Kinda. Is that weird?
“Not really. I’m guessing in the past that you covered up any bruises or marks that you had?”
This is going into tricky territory. If I say yes then I’m admitting that this has happened before, even if never this bad. But there’s something that my mom told me at the hospital that sticks in my head now for some reason. She told me that I had to start admitting to myself that he was hurting me. I have to own it for him to own it. He’s not going to change if I don’t make him change. I don’t think that Mom believes he’ll ever change (she’s made that pretty clear). I think she was saying those things for just for my benefit but it made sense to me.
Yeah, I’m really good with makeup.
She gives a little laugh. “I bet. Your teachers have only reported bruises twice before.”
My teachers all know? I thought I hid it pretty well from everyone at school. So you knew this was going on before Tyler hit me in front of that one teacher?
She smiles sadly. “Mr. Peters? Yes, I’ve known for a couple months now at least but you were so good at covering it that I knew you wouldn’t admit to it. At least, not right away.”
For some reason I really feel like opening up. I don’t know, maybe it’s because of my injuries, maybe it’s because it’s been so long that I’ve tried to keep it a secret but I’m not just shutting her out like I normally would. I make this realization and I still don’t feel like shutting her out. Sorry about that.
She starts to laugh. “No reason to be sorry. Melissa, I’m here to help you in whatever way I can, not the other way around.”
How can you help me?
“Well, I can help in a lot of ways. Sometimes I have to help people realize that there is a problem or help them realize what the problem is. Sometimes people just need someone to listen so they can talk through their problems. Sometimes you do need a genuine suggestion and if you ask then I’ll give it.”
What would you do if you were me?
“That’s never a fair question. I’m not you and I haven’t lived through what you have. Do you think there’s something that you should be doing?”
Well everyone thinks I should leave Tyler.
“Do YOU think you should leave Tyler?”
I love him.
“That doesn’t answer the question,” she retaliates with a smile.
I stare at her blankly for a minute. I don’t know I finally answer.
Mrs. Boswell opens her mouth to answer when her phone rings. She answers the phone listens for a second then turns to me. “He’s here. Are you ready to see him?”
I don’t even have to think. Yes, I want to see my man. I nod my head eagerly. She tells the woman on the other end of the line to send him in and we sit in silence waiting for him to reach the door. I think I’m shaking I’m so anxious to see him.
Then he knocks on the door. I’m almost jumping out of my skin wanting to see him. Mrs. Boswell grabs my hand. “Are you sure you’re ready?”
I nod.
“Come in,” she calls.
The door starts to swing open and I feel like it’s all happening in slow motion. I’m going to burst in a moment. And then there he is. And now that he’s here I’m not sure what to do. Tyler looks like he isn’t sure why he’s here.
“Hey,” he says flatly.
I turn around and grab my pad of paper. Hi Tyler.
“What, you can’t talk?”
“No, her jaw was broken in two places,” Mrs. Boswell snaps. Then realizing that she’s not actually supposed to say anything and she puts up her hands and rolls her chair back a little.
“Can I hug her?” Tyler asks.
“You’d have to ask her that.
He looks at me expectantly and I nod. He walks over to me and puts his arms up to hug me. He’s being overly cautious and if I could talk I would say so. He wraps me in a hug but is careful not to squeeze.
Mrs. Boswell motions for Tyler to sit down. He does so. He still hasn’t said much of anything and I desperately want him to.
Say something.
“I’m sorry?”
“Is that a question or are you apologizing?” Mrs. Boswell asks slipping right back into therapist mode.
“Am I allowed to apologize?”
“Well if you’re sorry then of course you’re allowed to apologize.”
“Then I’m sorry.”
“Do you want an apology, Melissa, or is there something you want to say?”
I have to think for a second before shaking my head.
“Well then why don’t you tell Tyler a little bit of what you told me?”
I look at her questioningly. Which part?
“Whichever part you want to share.”
I nod in response. Everyone thinks I should break up with you. I show this to Tyler and he hangs his head.
“Are you going to?”
I shake my head no. I still love you. But you need to stop hurting me. You have to change.
“Are you capable of changing?” Mrs. Boswell asks.
“Isn’t everyone?” he shoots back.
“You don’t need to convince anyone but yourself. And you need to make changes or Melissa will be forced to leave you.”
I turn and look at Mrs. Boswell almost afraid of what she’s saying. I’m sure that my eyes say just that. I didn’t say that. I can see Mrs. Boswell’s whole body sink. She thought she was making progress on me somehow. But I’m willing to do just about anything to keep my relationship with Tyler strong.
“I will change.”
“Maybe it would help to see me and talk about the feelings that lead you to hurt Melissa in the first place.”
So that’s why she’s being so nice. She really wants to work with Tyler. And while I think it’s a good idea for him to see someone I resent her for trying to get me to talk him into it. If he doesn’t do it willingly then it’s not going to work.
“I don’t need therapy,” he says it like he’s insulted that it was even suggested.
“Then how are you going to prove to Melissa that you’re going to change?”
“I’ll change alright?” he’s starting to get angry and he balls his hands up into fists
“You can’t just say it, Tyler. You have to do more than that because I’m guessing that you’ve said you’d change in the past.”
I hang my head at this point. I feel like we’re in couple’s therapy or something. Then the phone rings. Mrs. Boswell turns to answer it. I stare at Tyler in silence. He does everything he can to look at anything but me. I can’t stand it so I reach for his hand, almost in an act of desperation. He glances at my hand holding his but still refuses to look at me. Finally Mrs. Boswell turns back to the two of us.
“Melissa, your mom is here with your lunch,” she smiles at me. “Are you hungry now?”
I nod.
“Well she’s in the front office so you can go get your lunch now if you’d like.”
I stand up and Tyler does too.
“No, Tyler, I’d like to talk to you for just a little while longer if you’re okay with that.”
He shrugs, “whatever.”
Mrs. Boswell grasps my hand. “Thanks for coming in, Melissa.”
I smile and walk out of the room hungry but not exactly looking forward to whatever sound Mom made for me with the blender this time.
27,687 words