All that I've thought about
All that I thought about for the longest time
All that I thought about for the longest time
But he's untouchable, untouchable, untouchable
For me
Across the waves
Through my defence
Messages speak
Tell me it's over
That it's over
Yes, it's over
Must be heartache
Shortness of breath
So I can't speak
To say it's over
That it's over
Yes, it's over
And if you read all that he wrote
Then you would now
All that I know
But would you understand how deep in goes
Never forget all the words said
They stick around in the front of my head
Clearing the doubt that I could have changed anything
Feels like I don't reach for anything anymore. I'm ambivalent towards myself and uncertain of what I feel.
I told you I lied so much I couldn't say what's sincere and what isn't, and you aren't worth the struggle to make it right. It could even be that I don't think I'm worth the struggle, but ambivalence reigns here. You say "do you like how that feels?"
I used to say no, now I just don't care.
If it's wrong or right, I don't care if it's unhealthy. I'll do what I'll do, and face the end when it comes knowing that I didn't compromise whatever there was to compromise. I spent so much time doing that to achieve a lie of peace and harmony at home before I left, and again when I was making my own home.
If that's viewed as a lesser entity, so what. The blessing of not really giving a fuck.
The next step is go there to the other end of the earth and I think my ambivalence restrains me because what if nothing changes when I get there, in me that is. It's not his fault if I have lost key elements and am no longer what I was when he met me.
I'd rather not waste his time and disappoint.
Of course maybe all this ambivalence will shed when I arrive and all of my potential will unfurl and everything that I've thought I've lost will begin as it was meant to.
Everything I've read and been told, and divined/had divined has said as much. So how or where do I find the spark to just go and stop letting my ambivalence leash me here.
Those lyrics seem more relevant to you, but I'm still cradling it in my head.