Writing for the Sitcom, 11/1
The Real Tom and Katie
- By Eminem Beth
Ya'll act like you never seen a crazy person before
'cause I don’t stand on the floor, you don’t gotta run for the door
publicists bring you back, then I'll give you some more
And it's not like I'm poor; I can pay for your furniture
So let's return to the… oh no, wait, no, I'm kidding,
Forget I really said what I just did at the beginning.
And Kate's friends say... nothing you idiots!
They all know I'm gay; I got 'em locked in my basement.\
Plenty of women love givin' in
[chigga chigga]
"Oh Tommy, let our dream begin.
and never end, walkin around grabbin my you-know-what
pinching me you-know-where," "yeah, well I guess so!"
I mean, I probably got a couple of times I had to cut loose.
Otherwise, you won't know it's my kid she reproduce
You learn, can't always trust TV and on the news, because
turn it on today and all I can hear's abuse--
"There's herpes on her lips, there's herpes on her lips!"
But I still think I'm lucky when she leans in for a kiss.
And it's like I got a portal into eternal bliss.
She says I don't even gotta know where her clitoris is.
But, of course I know what intercourse is
I've been through divorces.
... Plus there were a few courses.
Ain't like we're only animals. Although a few male cannibals
Eat each other up just like they's cantaloupes
And if I can get some guy to hold me up with rope
then there's no reason that man can't give me a tiny grope
But that's not how I feel!-- oh shit, where'd Katie go?
Guess she went to change her clothes, anyway the chorus goes--
We're Tom and Katie; yes, she's really Katie.
No, she's not a robot, we're not imitating.
So since she's really Katie, could you please shut up?
Please shut up, please shut up.
(Repeat)
Matt Lauer don't know a thing about psychology.
But I do. So fuck him and fuck you too.
And do I give a damn about his mental plan?
Hope he chokes on his pills, get 'em an FDA ban.
"Oh Tom, you’re just the bomb, but what's your mental state?"
Why? So you can try to sift through to how I rate?
So you can, see if he yields to the mighty Brooke Shields?
She's sick but it's not some pills for her ills that she need
'cause the only cure for brains is self-honesty
And there's a path where you can be like me.
Be seen on TV; from the lies you'll be fully free.
Just come and join the church of Scie'tology.
Careful now, march in step, then you chant with me!
We're Tom and Katie; yes, she's really Katie.
Yes, I really love her; and we're not playing.
My love is real for Katie, so just please shut up.
Please shut up, please shut up.
(Repeat)
There ain't no head trip's good for you, I wish we knew.
Before we started doping kids up and made the world askew.
But now we realize Uncle Tom knows best
the balm you need for these ills to redress
With all the new problems you're facing,
leave you questioning placing - your path retracing.
Until you realize that you're out on a deep search,
And you get scared, wondering who's gonna ditch you first.
I'm Tommy; and if it's just between me and you,
this kind of leading people around is what I do;
I like to make up an image and I see it through,
how I renew my sense of what I thought I knew
And if I'm not making sense when words I spew
Then you realize my brain, it's really batshit insane
Or you could even take a different view
S'called repression - look it up
And while you do that, this guy's ass I'll cup
Oh, HEY there, Katie, no you didn't disrupt.
I was just about to find you, so you could help me get up.
Okay folks, sorry, looks like time for me to go.
But one more time, I'll make it clear, just so you know, that--
We're Tom and Katie; yes, she's really Katie.
Yes, I sometimes fuck her; it's real irritating.
So the rest of you but Katie, could you please shut up
Please shut up, please shut up?
Please. Shut up.