Briar's Tale Post 3
Several evenings later when Naemien and I were eating dinner he began discussing business with me. I decided the time was right to bring Andwin to his attention.
“Things are really going well. I’m going to take on some new hara.”
“I guess that means some of your loyal employees will move up a notch.”
“Yes, that’s true.”
“You know, just sort of through the grapevine, I’ve heard that a har named Andwin showed some promise.”
“Andwin? Oh, yes. Yes he has. He’s gone the extra mile for me quite a few times since I hired him. He seems ambitious, too.”
“Do you think he would be a good candidate for a better position?”
“Yeah, sure he would. I’ll mention it to him at the next meeting.”
I smiled to myself, thinking how happy this would make Andwin, but I didn’t think I should act like it was a done deal just yet. I didn’t want him to be disappointed. With Naemien, you never knew.
The next time we were together, I told Andwin what had transpired but warned him not to count on it until he heard it officially from Naemien. He was still ecstatic and thanked me profusely.
Naemien called a meeting about a week later and informed Andwin that he would be in charge of four hara, giving him more power and more money. However, I didn’t find that out until the next time Andwin and I saw each other. He’d sent a har to discreetly tell me that he’d like me to come over to his place, so that evening I went to see him. When he opened the door, he presented me with a beautiful bouquet of a dozen velvety black roses and a very passionate kiss.
“Naemien put me in charge of four hara and I get paid more, too. And I owe it all to you.” He kissed me again.
“Not all,” I replied. “You’ve worked hard. You earned it yourself.”
“I know, but I’m sure your efforts on my behalf sealed the deal. Really, Briar…thank you.”
“My pleasure,” I said, as I put my hands on his hips.
“Let’s celebrate!” he said.
He treated me to dinner at a very nice restaurant and then we went back to his place, where he asked me to sit on the bed and gave me a mysterious smile. I wondered what was up. He took a small box out of a drawer and gave it to me.
“This is for you.”
I opened it to find a beautiful silver chain.
“Oh, it’s gorgeous! Thank you!”
Thinking it was a necklace, I began to fasten it around my neck.
“No,” he said, smiling. He unbuttoned my shirt and slipped it off my shoulders, then laying me back on the bed, he slid off my pants.
“It goes here.” He put it around my waist, kissing my stomach.
“Mmmm…it’s beautiful…I love it…” I began to breathe harder as he moved his lips up my body to place them on mine. As we kissed and shared breath, I lost myself in his images of blooming flowers and petals swirling into a rippling pool. I became ouana and he gave himself to me with complete abandon. It was so satisfying and the evening had been so wonderful, so perfect. I fell asleep in his arms and even though I had to leave the next morning, I felt so utterly content.
::~~***~~::
For the next few days, I was in such good spirits. I was happy for Andwin, but I also began to let myself think that he was beginning to have feelings for me. The gifts, the lovely evenings together and the incomparable aruna all indicated that to me.
Naemien even noticed my good mood and mentioned it to me one night after we’d taken aruna.
“You seem happy lately, my love. Any particular reason?”
“No, not really,” I replied, trying not to look guilty. “Just a mood, I guess.”
“I hope it lasts. I like to see you happy.”
I felt such affection for him in that moment and more than a modicum of guilt. I knew he didn’t mind me rooning others but the guilt stemmed from my feelings for Andwin. The fact that he wasn’t just a roon and that I felt strongly for him made me feel awful because Naemien was so good to me. I didn’t like feeling all mixed up like that!
But no matter how I felt, I couldn’t stay away from Andwin. One night I decided to surprise him by coming over very late. I knocked on his door, full of anticipation. It took him a while to answer and I almost gave up, figuring he was out or asleep. He opened the door, dressed only in some loose pants.
“Briar! Uh, hi. I, I never expected you so late.” He looked a little too surprised, I thought. I heard movement inside his room.
“Oh,” I said. “You’re not alone.”
He shrugged and looked uneasy.
“I’m sorry,” I said, managing a smile. “I shouldn’t have come so late.”
“No, it’s fine. Come in. You can join us,” he added, smiling and taking my hand.
“Oh, no…no. I’d be intruding.”
“Not at all,” he said. Aniia’s just a friend, you know.”
I took a deep breath, put on my best “I’m fine with this” face, smiled seductively, patted Andwin on the cheek and said nonchalantly, “No, you two have fun. I’ll come back another time.”
I walked away and looked back over my shoulder giving him a wink.
“Briar?”
I walked on waving back at him and headed down the stairs and out into the street. Luckily the carriage I’d engaged hadn’t left with another customer, so I quickly got back in and instructed the driver to go.
“Where to?” he inquired.
“Anywhere. Just go!”
I gathered my thoughts enough to direct the driver to a bar I knew of where I could drink alone and undisturbed.
“Shall I wait?” he asked when we’d reached our destination.
“No. Thank you.” I answered, paying him.
I entered the bar and asked for a private room, then I ordered a bottle of sheh and began to drink it. After I’d calmed myself down a bit, I began to think.
Oh, Gods! Why did I go there so late! I should have known. Did I really think…? Yes, I did really think I was the only har in Andwin’s life right now. I was such an asshole! Such a fucking besotted fool! How did I let this happen to me? To ME! The har that has no feelings for any har. Stupid! Stupid! I hit my forehead with the heel of my hand. I gulped down the sheh like there was no tomorrow. And part of me wished there wasn’t going to be one.
You can join us…Aniia’s just a friend--you know… Andwin’s words echoed in my head. I’d never been one for threesomes or group aruna. Oh, I’d tried it a couple of times, but I’m too selfish, too vain. I like a har’s attention on me and me alone. I didn’t want to share Andwin with any har! I wanted him to want me--just me! Oh, gods! Shit! I put my head in my hands.
I’d always distanced myself from every har, even the one I lived with. It was my protection, my shield, my strength. I let that barrier down one time. One time!! Shit! I knew I was beautiful and that Andwin lusted after me and that he had fun taking aruna with me. Fun--that’s all it was to him; that and an advocate for his promotion in Naemien’s ranks. He’d used me for entertainment and personal gain. I sighed and the tears came. Just like I’d used every har I’d ever known since after my inception. Maybe karma really exists. Maybe what goes around really does come around. Just desserts, come-uppance, taste of his own medicine, got what he deserved, etc., etc. All these phrases came roaring into my head, and knowing how richly I deserved what I’d gotten, I laid my head on my arms on the table and cried my heart out, for the first time in many many years.
The next thing I was aware of was a serving har gently nudging me awake.
“Tiahaar? Tiahaar?”
“Hmmm?” I managed, drunkenly.
”I’m sorry but we’re closing. Tiahaar?”
“Umm, okay. I’m going.”
“I’ve gotten you a carriage.”
“Thank you. How much…?”
“You already paid for the sheh, tiahaar.”
I nodded and staggered to the carriage.
Once I got home, I headed straight for bed and passed out.
:::--****--:::
The next day, I slept through until afternoon. Finally, I got up and took a shower. When I came back into my room, Naemien was sitting on my bed. He looked concerned, but still gave me a smile.
“Lura said you were still sleeping. Are you alright?”
I nodded. “I’m fine. I had a bit too much sheh last night, that’s all.”
He patted the place next to him and I sat down.
“Briar…you know I don’t pry into your personal affairs but I’ve noticed you haven’t quite been yourself lately. Do you want to tell me something? Is there anything I can do?”
I regarded his earnest face. His kindness and concern was too much for me and I broke down, covering my face with the towel I was using to dry my hair. He put his arm around me and I laid my wet head on his shoulder and sobbed.
“It’s alright, Briar. Whatever it is it will be okay, I promise.”
All these emotions swirling around inside me: guilt, disappointment, rejection. And then the added gratitude I felt for Naemien’s understanding; his very much undeserved kindness. He pulled back, and took the towel away from my face. He looked into my eyes.
“You know, I’ve never seen you cry.”
“That’s because I never do.”
“This har must have really gotten to you.” He smiled. I must have looked completely shocked and bewildered.
“Did you think I didn’t know?” He said. “I’ve been around a long time. The good mood, the smile on your face, the late nights out. I knew you had a lover and you know you’re free to do whatever you want. But if he’s the one who made you cry, I’d like to kick his ass.” He smiled. “Don’t worry. I’m joking.”
“Naemien…”
“You don’t have to say a word. I even know who it is.” He chuckled. “I didn’t until you recommended him for a promotion.”
“Oh, gods! I’m sorry.”
“You’ve got no reason to be, my sweet. And he earned his position. Also any har who has your respect, has mine.”
“How can you say that! How can you be so…so…”
“Understanding? Accepting? Like I said, I’ve been around for a long time; so long that I don’t want to tell you. Time and experience--that’s how.”
I stared at him in near disbelief. “We’ve been together seven years, Naemien, and right now I feel like I don’t even know you at all. You’ve never told me anything about your past, not really. Just that you started with nothing and worked your way up.”
I studied his face like I’d never seen it before. “How old are you?”
He laughed. “I’ll tell you this much. I was thirty-one when I became har.”
“What? And you survived!”
“Barely. Har after har refused to incept me, saying I’d surely die. But I didn’t want to be human in a harish world. I would rather have died. Finally, for a price, a har gave me his blood. All I remember was horrible pain and then oblivion. When I was through the change I staggered out into the street and collapsed. I remember voices seemingly in the distance--two hara talking.
“What the hell is that?!”
“Looks like a har--I think.”
“Is he dead?”
“Not quite but it looks like he soon will be.”
“Shit! Should we do something?”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know. Take him to Lorrin, maybe?”
“I guess it’s worth a try. Grab his feet.”
“Long story short, Lorrin saved my life, took my first aruna with me and found me my first job--errand har. I worked my ass off, made contacts, and finally after many years, ended up the har you see before you.” He stretched his arms out and smiled. Then he became very serious. “I’m not proud of some of the things I’ve done but I’m proud of where it’s gotten me. And who it’s gotten me,” he added teasingly into my ear. He made me smile.
“I want to tell you what happened,” I stated.
“You don’t have to, Briar.”
“I want to. The truth is I let myself start to fall for a har and I thought he felt something for me, too. Turns out all he wanted was a bit of fun and a promotion. He did to me what I’ve done to every har I’ve ever known, except you. You were the goal: the har at the top. I didn’t even let myself fall for you. By the time I met you I figured I was incapable of such feelings. My heart was stone. One har even told me I didn’t have one. He was right. I’m ambitious, self-serving and cold. But in spite of my vanity, I can admit this--” I looked Naemien squarely in the eye. “You deserve better.”
He put his hand gently on mine. “We’re a lot alike, you and me. I think that’s part of why we stay together. We want the same things from life--the best. I know I have that in you. You’re beautiful, accomplished, capable and perfect for me.”
“Naemien, please…” My eyes filled with tears.
“I won’t lie to you, Briar. At first I saw you as a prize. The most beautiful har there could ever be, my most lovely gem and perfect decoration. Something to show off. But you proved to be so much more than that. You’re intelligent, competent and a bit devious. Just like me. In time I knew that I felt more for you. At first it was admiration for more than just your incomparable beauty. But now…I can’t imagine my life without you. I’ve grown to love you. And I ask only one thing from you.”
I regarded him, wondering.
“That you never leave me.”
I opened my mouth to speak but he shook his head.
“Nothing will change, my love. You’re free to do whatever you want, take aruna with whomever you please, spend lots of money.” He laughed. “Just please…” His voice broke. “Please don’t ever leave me.”
I hugged him fiercely, like my life depended on it--on him, because I knew it did.
“Oh, Naemien,” I sobbed. “I won’t! I won’t, I promise.”
~~**~~**~~
After our intimate talk that day, I felt close to Naemien--really close. I had a strong and genuine affection for him. I began to spend nights in his room with him and even if we didn’t take aruna, I slept there, simply enjoying the comfort and security of his presence. And in return, he began to spend more time with me instead of working continuously.
I felt myself changing a bit inside. I felt like my stone cold heart was warming and softening. Eventually, I even managed to send Leath and Vasha a letter, apologizing for the way I’d treated them both.
Naemien and I didn’t seek out the company of other hara for aruna. I knew that eventually other hara would come into our lives in that respect but for the time being we were exclusive. I wondered: is this what it means to be chesna?
One day Naemien actually asked me to be his chesnari. I was deeply touched and of course said yes. It seemed strange after being together for seven years, but the idea of officially being chesna was meaningful to us both. In his typical style, Naemien wanted to throw a big party to celebrate. As the party was winding down, I got us each a drink and sat next to Naemien. He took it and gave me a rather mysterious smile.
“You look positively glowing, my love. One would almost think that you were with pearl.”
I laughed. “No, no, I’m just happy, that’s all.”
He regarded me, smiling. “Would that be something you’d like?”
“You…you mean a harling?”
“Sure, someday, I mean. I could host if you’d want.”
I laughed heartily.
“What? You don’t think I would do it?”
“The thought of you in hostling clothes? With a protruding belly? I think that might destroy your ‘tough har’ image forever! I can’t imagine it!”
“Well,” he said. “I think I’d like a son to leave all our hard-earned money and possessions to.”
“No offense Naemien, but I think even I’d do better at hosting than you would!”
“You’d make a most beautiful hostling, my sweet.” He leaned over and kissed me. I couldn’t help but smile. Then I laughed out loud.
“What’s so funny? he asked.
“That I’m actually considering it!”
Naemien drew me closer. “I really do love you, Briar.”
~~~~::::====*** THE END ***====::::~~~~