Going home
To my great sadness, it appears that my beautiful Aunt Katie is leaving us.
She is 88 years old and the matriarch of our family. She is a woman who always spent her life on the go, full of vim and vigor and life, a gambler and adventure seeker and tough old gal who up until about four or five years ago, never slowed down. A few falls and failing health began to catch up to her then, but even when she moved into St. E's retirement home a few years ago, she still kept busy, socializing with the other residents, taking craft classes, going on field trips and continuing to play her beloved bingo.
This summer, I noticed that Katie's mind, which was always sharp as a tack, began to fail, and dementia started creeping in. Her hearing was going, she had struggles with depression, and macular degeneration made it hard for her to see what was only a foot or two away. It all seemed to start happening at once, and she had her up and down days, but she was still Katie, still hanging in there, still ready to argue with you if you challenged her on anything!
Then on Thanksgiving, my cousin Rabbit went to up to get her to bring her to his home for Thanksgiving dinner, and she could not get out of bed. When I called Rabbit, he told me that Katie was in decline, and he didn't think she would last another two weeks, that she had stopped eating.
After the phone call with Rabbit, the girls and the COL and I went up to see her, and I was shocked to see her decline from our last visit just three weeks before. I brought a Christmas angel to sit next to her bed, so that she'd know Christmas was coming. She was deeply asleep when we arrived, and it was hard to rouse her. She was so thin, looked like she couldn't weigh more than 70 pounds or so, and her blue eyes, when they flicked open, were glassy and disoriented. It took some time before she "woke" and at first her lips were moving but no sound coming out. I tried talking to her but when she responded, with great effort, there was just air, no words.
I adjusted her bed so that she was more upright, and gave her a drink of water from a straw and she was able to speak a bit, but it took a lot of effort on her part, and just the softest whispers came out. I had to lean my ear nearly to her lips to hear, and even then, I could only understand about a third of what she was trying to say. She knew me, held my hand. She whispered to me, "Where's the baby?" and I said, "Who?" and she said "Robin." Robin has always been her favorite, my ornery little bird. She came up to the bed and hugged Katie, as did Dove, and she knew both girls and the COL were there too. She had been dreaming. She told me there was a fire at her house the night before and she was worried. I assured her that everything was okay, and she was okay, and no worries. The house was fine. She was okay, and we were all here with her.
Katie told me that she saw a man in her yard, walking around up by the porch. I asked who it was and she said she thought it was her father. My Grandpop has been gone for 47 years, but perhaps Katie is seeing him in her dreams. I do believe that sometimes those we love come back to us when our time is near, or when they are needed.
Her nurse told me that she had stopped eating. I asked Katie if she wanted any food and she shook her head. I was able to get a few spoons of vanilla pudding into her and a little water, but Katie just does not want to eat anymore. She dozed a lot during our visit. Several years ago when Katie went into St. E's with broken ribs from a fall, Rachel bought her a get well teddy bear with a stitched on heart that has sat on top of Katie's tv ever since. I saw Robin looking at it, and she got it down and took it over and tucked it in beside Katie.
While we were visiting, my cousins Tess and Rose arrived. Tess is home from Guatemala, where she has worked in an orphanage for many years, taking care of the children. Her parents, my Uncle Lee and Aunt Alicia, are also unwell, so Tess came home to care for them. She is a giver of the first order, and her sister Rose is supporting the two of them while Tess is here to help. They live near St. E's and come to see Katie often too, so we had a little time to visit. Then my cousin June, Katie's daughter, also arrived. She does not think Katie will last through Christmas. It has been hard on June, she has been Katie's primary visitor, and even though they have had a tumultuous relationship over the years, she has been very faithful to Katie.
By the time we left, Katie had drifted back off to sleep. Robin was feeling very sad. Before Katie fell asleep, Robin asked her if she could have the bear with the stitched on heart, and Katie smiled and nodded yes. I know Robin will keep that bear, which she has already named for Katie, as a remembrance of her. She went to bed that night hugging the bear. It was a hard visit for Robin, seeing Katie so frail. She got teary and the COL had to take her out. Dove was stronger and sat by the bed and held Katie's hands, but she also got teary when it was time to go. We all said a Hail Mary together, and Katie mouthed the words, with the girls holding her hands. They both gave her a kiss and told her they loved her. I think they both knew that might be the last time they see Katie.
After we got home, I thought that it was important that Katie get the Sacrament of the Sick, which used to be called Last Rites or Extreme Unction but is now used whenever someone is seriously ill. Because she's been at St. E's for many years, Katie does not have a parish priest per se, so I called and found out that the priest assigned to St. E's was on emergency leave to Ghana for the death of his mother, and that they were just having visiting priests come in to say daily mass, but could not be sure who was showing up each day. The nice lady in the spiritual care office told me she would leave a note that Katie needed the sacrament.
The next day I kept thinking about Katie and feeling like I needed to give her my scapular. I have two, which Robin appropriated, a green one with the Immaculate Heart of Mary on it, and a brown one with Our Lady of Mount Carmel. In my adulthood, I have grown very close to the Blessed Mother, who has come through interceding for me many times, and because Katie has been like a second mother to me, I felt like I wanted a mother watching over her. So I tucked the scapular into my purse and decided to go to Mass at St. E's the next day and see if I could ask the priest to bless the scapular for Katie and go visit her.
Yesterday I went up to St. E's for Mass. It is a pretty little chapel on the second floor of St. E's, just down the hall from Katie's wing. There were only 7 of us at Mass. I got the scapular out and was praying for Katie when Mass started, and to my great shock, when the priest started Mass, he said that it was the Feast Day of the Immaculate Heart of Mary - which was on my scapular! Sometimes there are coincidences that just seem to line up in the right way. All of the readings at Mass were Marian readings about the blessed Mother, and during the homily, the priest talked about Mary's intercession, how at Cana when she asked her son to help at the wedding feast, he performed his first miracle because she asked - and that anything she asked of her Son, He did. He talked about how she intercedes for us, to bring us closer to her Son, how she is with us in times of trouble and hardship. So much of what I had been thinking regarding Katie were brought out in his words...
After Mass, the lady from the Spitirual Care office came by and asked if I had been the one who called about Katie. I said yes, and she said the priest would be going down to see her once he changed. I told her how Katie had stopped eating, and how frail and weak she was, that we thought we might be losing her. The lady patted my arm and said kindly, "Maybe she will go home for Christmas." This made me so teary. Katie has spent every Christmas having dinner at my house since my mom died, and I had wondered if she would be with us this year...but I also know that a lot of her brothers and sisters would be happy to see her in Heaven.
After Mass we went to Katie's room. She was sleeping soundly, but roused enough to hold my hand. The priest said some beautiful prayers and gave her the sacrament wtih the holy oils, then he blessed the scapular, which I put on Katie, the cloth picture of the Blessed Mother lying over her heart, and gave her a final blessing. I was thankful that he came by. The spiritual director and one of the nuns there also talked with me, and I felt assured that Katie was in good hands. Her nurse MaryAnne, who I have known for all the time Katie has been at St. E's also stopped in. She is so wonderful with Katie, making sure she is comfortable, gently coaxing her pain meds into her even when she doesn't want to eat, just a caring and kind hearted, attentive nurse.
Katie was even less responsive than when the girls and I came. She roused only briefly and it was hard to hear her words. At one point, she asked me where the COL and the girls were and I said at work / in school, but that I was here. She told me again that she saw her father. I asked her if she saw my mother, and she nodded. This made me cry. Then she said she saw MY father, and that he was calling, and she didn't know why. This brought even more tears to me. She whispered, "I want to go home." and I told her that she could go home any time she was ready, that it was okay, that everyone loved her and were waiting. That I loved her, and it was okay to just rest. I held her hand and she drifted back off to sleep. I gave her a kiss on top of her soft white hair when I left, and said I would be back up over the weekend.
I don't know when Katie will be going home, but I think that she is getting ready to let go of this world and move on to the next, where my mom, her best friend and closest sister, is waiting for her, along with her husband, my Uncle Justin, and her parents, and all our family who will rejoice to see her. I am afraid that my table might have an empty place at it this Christmas, but I am thankful for all the Christmases that Katie has sat down with us over the years. For all that she is, and has been to me, since I was a little girl. I am extremely grateful to have had her in my life.
And maybe there will be one more angel singing up in Heaven on Christmas Day.