Just throw it all together.
I just felt like putting some of my random writings together in one place so I'd know where they'd be if I felt the need to read them.
Sleep
As I layed there watching you in your peaceful slumber, I think how you must trust me. A person leaves themself so vulnerable and open when they sleep around another. I gaze at you lovingly, something you only get a glimpse of during your waking hours, something you'd probably rather not see. But here in the still darkness, I can revel in it, without having to hide it from you or feel ashamed. As I peer at your sleeping form, I feel so close, yet so far away from you, and the desire to hold you is so strong. But I feel that if I were to move or touch you, it could disturb the silence and end this moment. So I hold myself back, wrap the blankets tighter around me, and hope that when I wake, it will be your arms holding me instead.
03/07/07
Photographs
Looking through those photographs, the smiling faces...something's missing.
It's me.
Like standing outisde a window of a memory of the past,
That I'm not allowed to be a part of or reach.
2006
Sink or Swim
You decide to throw me into the churning waters deep,
Telling me it's either sink or swim.
What makes you so confident I'll rise to the surface again?
For all you know I'll sink to the bottom,
Overcome by the darkness.
Would you be willing to jump in and rescue me?
2006
Mother
Why should I be punished for the mistakes of another?
Just because I'm a spitting image of her,
That doesn't mean I'll read the same path of my mother.
But I am.
2006
Music
What is it about music that captures the mind? The heart? How does it stimulate the mind? Or move people to tears, or joy? How does it bring comfort to those in pain, or commiserate with those who are angry or hurt?
I was listening to a song by Josh Groban called "Cinema Paradiso (Se) ("If")" The lyrics are in Italian:
Se tu fossi nei miei occhi per un giorno
Vedresti la bellezza che piena dallegria
Io trovo dentro gli occhi tuoi
E nearo se magia o lealta
Se tu fossi nel mio cuore per un giorno
Potreste avere unidea
Di cio che sento io
Quando mabbracci forte a te
E petto a petto, noi
Respiriamo insieme
Protagonista del tuo amor
Non so se sia magia o lealta
Se tu fossi nella mia anima un giorno
Sapresti cosa sono in me
Che minnamorai
Da quellistante insieme a te
E cio che provo e
Solamente amore
Doesn't mean much to those of us who can't understand Italian, or any foreign language for that matter, right? But from listening to the music, you can feel the passion and love that comes through...the orchestra, the tenderness in Josh's voice. Now the translation:
If you were in my eyes for one day
You could see the full beauty of the joy
I find in your eyes
And it isnt magic or loyalty
If you were in my heart for a day
You would have an idea
Of what I feel
When you hold me strongly to you
Heart to heart,
Breathing together
Protagonist of your love
I dont know if its magic or loyalty
If you were in my soul for a day
You would know what is inside me
That I fell in love
At that instant, together with you
And what I sense
Its only love.
Some of the most beautiful lyrics I've read. But you can feel that beauty and adoration in the music, even if you can't understand the language in which the song is being sung. I love how music can cross the boundaries of language (almost in the same sense as math, I guess).
I sometimes feel that if I breathe deep enough, I can take music right into my lungs, that like oxygen it will run through my blood and to my heart, to the very core of me, and then spread throughout my body so that it becomes a part of me.
I can't explain the rush or joy that music brings me, because music isn't a thing that is expressed in words. It's a representation of a person's most intimate emotions, which can usually only be communicated through a fast, light melody that skips across piano keys, or long, solemn strokes of a bow across the strings of a cello.
When I play the piano, I go to another place in myself. It's like I'm drawn deep within, but at the same time, I'm outside of myself. I was feeling extremely depressed one day, and I didn't know what to do with myself. The only thing I could think to do was to sit down at the piano and play, just whatever came out. As I played, it felt as though my pain was leaving my heart through my hands and lingered in the vibrations on the strings of the piano, like poison being drawn from a wound. In a sense, that song is me. It is what I was feeling at the moment, a part of my soul in a musical form.
I don't know or understand where this passion for music comes from within me, but I'm glad it's there. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who was so intuned that I could compose beautiful songs. Then I realize that so many composers were mad.
Sometimes I think that it was the genius of their talents...what did they sacrifice to bring this music into the world? Social interaction? I'm sure. I've read that Yanni would spend weeks in his studio composing, not leaving to answer the phone, or to eat, rarely to sleep. The drive to compose within him is so great. He sacrificed his chance to love and have children, because he knew that he could not give a family the attention they needed.
A while back on TV I saw a special on 60 minutes about a boy who was about 11, how he could hear different "channels" of music in his head, and the only way he could stop the music was to get it out onto paper.
The human brain is so complex, and I think in the case of those with great musical genius, some things were sacrificed in their minds to accomodate their talents. Perhaps sanity is one of those things.
Maybe music isn't a thing to be understood. Maybe it's just something that's meant to be felt.
05/18/06
Foolish
Your kisses are what kept me sated,
Whether you meant them is to be debated,
Now my lips are parched from the absence of your's,
Perhaps they'll be moistened by the tears that pour.
I followed the sweet lulling melody of your siren song,
And crashed upon the jagged rocks,
I'm struggling to keep my head above water and stay afloat,
So many days I've wished I'd gone down with the boat.
Is it physical attraction that holds me here?
Or maybe it's the memories of us together I hold so dear.
I miss you everyday, a little more, it seems,
Now the only time you hold me is at night, in my sweetest dreams.
You'll have to forgive me for when I act cold,
Because those are the days that I miss you the most.
I can't stand to look at you, for fear that you'd see
That yearning gleam in my eyes for "us" to be.
I recognized that you were broken,
And I know she's the one who caused your pain,
I thought that maybe I'd be able to put the pieces of you back together,
But I just ended up getting cut along the way.
Why is it that you'll spend time with her,
And yet cast me off to the side?
Are you repulsed by me? Or are you afraid?
What's going on in that head of your's that you're trying to hide?
I think you realize that I'd be good to you,
I'd love you with all my might,
And I know you're afraid to be hurt again,
But please let me in, don't put up such a fight.
It hurts to think that you're just gonna be
One more of those people in my life:
I get close and let you in,
And then you're gone in the blink of an eye.
All you see is my face of stone and my dry eyes,
And you probably think I'm strong,
You think I'm fine and I can handle it;
I should let you know that you're wrong.
Because even the hardest stone
Was once a soft clay,
Hardened over time by
Sun, winds and rain.
The elements that have weathered me
Have been somewhat extreme,
That's why my countenance is hardened,
And you won't hear me scream...
And you won't see me cry,
And I won't pour out my soul,
You won't see my weakness,
I'll continue playing my role.
I'll be the strong girl,
The one who feels no pain,
Stony-faced and silent while inside I'm breaking down,
Underneath all of this stress and strain.
All the time waiting,
Perhaps young, foolish and naive,
That maybe, just maybe...
...one day you'll come back to me.
05/06
Untitled
You held it out to me
I took it without wanting it, or thinking
Then you ripped it away, no trace of a warning,
I'm standing here empty-handed, trying to find something to hold tight.
I'm too good for you,
And I know it,
So why am I trying to find things to improve in myself
When you're the one who needs fixing?
I took a leap of faith and
I ended up hitting rock bottom.
Everywhere I look reminds me of you,
Memories that can't be forgotten.
I want to cry, scream out my pain,
But I don't think it's right
'Cause you can't change how you feel,
But my mind and heart are putting up one hell of a fight.
Those sweet, playful kisses...did you mean them?
'Cause I did. Every single one.
I can't help feel that I put myself out there
While you had your fun.
You told me how happy you were,
When you'd finally got me.
So I can't seem to comprehend
How is it you can toss me aside so easily?
There's so much love in me,
I know because I can feel it pushing at the seams
And I know it's been said before, but if you'd only allow,
I doubt anyone could've loved you like me.
I was so stupid,
Thinking I'd be different,
Just because of the things you said
And the time we spent.
"You probably hate me right now."
I told you no.
You wanted me to scream at you.
I refused.
I'm not gonna give you the satisfaction
Of seeing me hurting in the worst way,
I'm wondering if that's one of your highs.
Is it a game you play?
God, I wish I could get the sweet relief
Of having a nice, hard cry,
But I've been fighting so hard to bury my feelings,
The tears are too far beneath the surface to break free from my eyes.
I've laughed in the past month and a half,
But none with any real joy.
And it drives me nuts cause I can't seem to figure out
How could you affect me like this, boy?
I'm angry at myself for being a stupid girl,
One of the things I fought against for the longest time,
Never thought I'd let it happen to me,
Never thought this pain would be mine.
04/06
NBA Dress Code
I read an article about this new dress code that the NBA is trying to put into effect, and some of the players are APPALLED! I mean, God forbid the team managers want their players to look like professionals and not a bunch of thugs off the street. So now they're screaming racism *rolls eyes* Jason Richardson (never heard of him...then again I'm not into basketball, so there ya go) was complaining that they're not allowed to wear their chains and stuff during official team business, saying that they're a form of expression, that some of the players' chains have a "religious message behind them." I dunno about you, but I think your religious beliefs should show through your actions, not on a disgustingly expensive piece of tacky-looking jewelry.In all seriousness, would you want someone who's about to perform brain surgery or something on you walk into the room with a doorag on, crooked hat, pants hanging to their knees saying, "Right, so what I'm gon do is cut open ya head right herr, ya dig? Then what I'm gon do is slice out that big thang that's makin' you all cray-zie, ya feel me? Koo, koo...HEY BITCH! Come get dis hoe ready for the operation, 'fore I cut yo ass."
2004