Merry Fucking Christmas Project
Project: "Merry Fucking Christmas"
Title: “Brian & Justin - A Fairy Tale?”
Author: pet0511
Beta and more: Cindy, aka q_dicted.
Project Manager and Creative Director: galehot
Timeline: Post 513
Disclaimer:They are not mine and I don´t own anything - it´s just for fun!
”Brian & Justin - A Fairy Tale?”
A/N: The Foreplay
The leader of The Evil Kinney Girls, galehot, has been her usual charming self (no kidding here, her charm is working!) and presented her idea of this Christmas Project. Of course I said “no” - I´m all but a writer. A few weeks later - while doing housework and desperately searching for anything else to do, I got in a mood. Ok, I´m always in a mood when I have to do stuff I hate but this time my stubborn inner Me was very persistent and nearly forced me to do something else. Guess that´s why I found myself suddenly sitting at my computer and opening a Word doc. It was so strange - I had no plan, I didn´t even feel the wish to produce anything at all. But all of the sudden Galehot´s mail had popped up in my mind and I started thinking how much of a contradiction it is to think about “BJ” & “Merry Christmas” in the same line.
Like I said, I was in a mood.
At least I still don´t have any other explanation for acting so strange: Without real idea, without any concept but without second thoughts I started doing something for me completely unfamiliar: I wrote some BJ.
Like always when being at home I had an eye on the clock, waiting for my Canadian friend Cindy, aka q_dicted to wake up. When it was time, I told her about my silly doing and sent her, just for fun, what I had written so far - more than 3000 words without any re-reading.
Btw: the result was a match - OMG, embarrassing!
Cindy is a nice person, and decent. Surprisingly she liked it (and she is strict and honest in having and saying her opinions). And told me that, of course, there were “some” grammar mistakes and misspellings. Oh sure, only a few ones….LOL.
That was the beginning of The Science Project (TSP). Since we´ve met at the end of 2010, Cindy isn´t only my 24/7 mailing partner but also my “teacher”. I have no idea how many mails went forth and back since then - way beyond the triple digits, I guess. Talking about every topic we came across, I got used more and more to communicate in English - only my English was and still is a mix about English and things which are coming from my German thinking brain - say hello to Petish! Well, you´re getting a full dose of it in this A/N!
TSP with all its learning lessons is one of the two best things I´ve done in a long while (A, I really do hope that you know what I´m talking about!). When I was in school, centuries ago, I reacted allergic to any “red pen” but not now. It is so much nicer not getting said “this is wrong!” but getting “suggestions”. Believe me, it works even for stubborn old girls like me. And all the time she managed to let “my style” (I don´t think I have any but you know what I mean) untouched. So, if you still see awkward things, it´s just because of that.
IMO the story isn´t needed at all in a fandom like this with so many incredible good writers. Until last weekend I still hadn´t decided whether to post it or not. In the end it was mainly because of Cindy that I decided to do it: After all the hours of work and patience and lovely “suggestions” and, of course, just being such an amazing writer and friend it wouldn´t be right or fair to put TSP in a drawer and forget about it. But, and that´s the reason for this long “foreplay”, I couldn´t post it without any note and giving the credits to that person who deserves it!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU!
Here we go….
Brian & Justin - A Fairy Tale?
Timeline: December after Justin left for NYC
Justin´s POV - Dec 13th
“You know what? FORGET it! Forget everything I said, just fucking forget it!!! I´ll tell you what we´ll do! You do whatever you want, and so will I. See? No need for more fights, everybody will be happy…isn´t that what you wanted in the first place? And now, PLEASE, leave me the fuck alone!!!” I forcefully push the red button on my cell and throw it on the bed behind me.
To say I am furious doesn´t do my feelings any justice. Of course I am furious, but more than that, I`m tired. Tired of being stuck with phone calls between NYC and Pittsburgh, of having awkward conversations with Brian which never really left me satisfied afterwards, and of having the bad feeling that in all the months I´ve been in NYC, we have never found a way to establish our new long distance relationship even in the slightest.
It´s been like walking on eggshells most of the time, and the upcoming holidays haven´t made the situation any easier. That was the reason for the plan I suggested to Brian a few days earlier: let´s go away, let´s spend some time alone at a place where we can forget about our living situation, all the awkwardness and problems, let´s give us the chance to just be with each other for a few days, to relax a bit.
It has been a hard year for us with many extreme and nerve-wracking moments, from the latest break-up to the drama of the bombing, from our surprising decision to go for a marriage to my leaving for NYC shortly after. I believed - and still do - we´ve both earned some relaxing time after all this.
Of course I never expected Brian to just jump on board with my plan and start making reservations where-the-fuck-ever. Even though he has softened a bit after the bombing and during our honeymoon-phase, how I call it secretly, he is still the Brian I know, want and love, complicated and closed-up and when it comes to facing problems openly, talking them out…well, let´s just say that his communication skills still are even worse than mine. But I was willing to give it a try, and when the topic “what about Christmas?” came up for the first time between us, I laid out my well thought-out plan. I had thought about the reactions I might get from him, have steeled myself against them in some way but like so many times before he surprised me - sadly not in a good way when he said “Where the fuck does this idea come from, Sunshine?”.
I gave it a rest, gave him a rest to think over my idea. As the holidays were coming closer I addressed the subject again which ended with fights both times, annoying statements from Brian, queen outs from me, mutual silent treatments for the next days. So I had decided to make a last attempt today, all calm and factual, all for reaching the goal to finally get to a mutual decision. Sadly, my forced calmness didn´t last long before I was confronted, again, with a sarcastic and impervious Brian and I had ended the call abruptly.
Standing here in my small apartment in this fascinating city which is still not “home” to me I swear to myself that I will do what I had announced before: I would have the holidays I had wished for - and give a fuck about him.
Brian´s POV - Dec 13th
The little shit! How dare he? Just ending it that way….
I´m standing in the bedroom of the loft, looking at my cell, surprised, utterly dumb-founded, certainly NOT feeling helpless or desperate….I´m never helpless or desperate! Frustrated, maybe, sometimes, but NEVER helpless.
With my cell still in my hand I go over into the living room and sit down on my sofa. Not really having a plan what to do now I obviously find some interest in staring at the cell. After a while I lay it down on the table in front of me. A part of me still expects it to ring any moment but another part, the bigger one, calls this wishful thinking, well aware that he´s reached his limit.
I guess I expected this. Not that I wanted it, of course I didn´t, but I still couldn´t help myself. It´s been coming since he brought up this topic for the first time, but I feel like I was on the edge even before that, for a lot of reasons.
Mostly it is about Kinnetik which I´ve spent most of my time in and with, especially since Justin left for New York. I´ve worked like a man obsessed but for the first time in my life I didn´t get the results I expected. Some bigger clients had decided to leave for other ad agencies and I know why they did, knew it at the time: the campaigns we offered, I offered, all I could come up with was…boring. But as much as I tried to get my old thrill back, as much as I tried to find new clients, it didn´t really work. I saw the looks from Cynthia and Theodore, of course I did, but they didn´t change a thing.
Being my typical self I did not talk with anyone about it. It wouldn´t have helped, that´s what I told myself. But there was also a little voice I couldn´t stop hearing every now and then. Who could I have talked to?
Michael? No. We made some peace after the bombing but we never went back to our old familiarity. Too much had happened, too much had been said. I guess some things really are meant to change.
Lindsay wasn´t any option either, hasn´t been so for a long time, if I´m honest to myself. Some nightly hours alone in the loft, accompanied by my good friend JB, had finally let me face a truth I had avoided for a long time: that she had more than once misused this undefined power she had over me. It hurt to accept it but once I did I knew there was no going back to a close friendship. She is the mother of my child and I´ll always respect and support her when needed but besides Gus our lives no longer are going to overlap.
So who is left? I know the answer, it lays right in front of me, it´s the person so many things are coming back to for so many years now. Justin. I know, even yet, that he is equally reason and answer for all the mess I´m in right now.
Fuck!
Well, it seems as if I got fucked, right?
I think about my big plan which of course I had never told anyone about. Brian Kinney´s master plan, roughly having come to life on the night when Justin and I decided to cancel the wedding and defined more and more afterwards until it became a real obsession. Right now, sitting on the sofa and why the fuck am I still staring at this fucking phone?! I allow myself what I´ve rarely done - articulate my big plan: opening a Kinnetik branch in NYC right after these Christmas Holidays.
I have never been unrealistic, I always knew right from the beginning that I would have to start small and that it wouldn´t be an easy deal to make but I was determined and well, I had never failed so far. I always wanted to go there, just for myself. But now, since knowing that Justin will live in New York at least for some significant time, my former goal-to-wish-for has become a non-negotiable aim. I´ve wanted to surprise Justin, to make a grand gesture at Christmas, Kinney-style. But the closer Christmas came, the more I had to accept that my plan wouldn´t work out like I wanted. In fact, it was the exact opposite: Right now I´m farther away from going to NYC than I was when my brilliant plan was born.
Fuck Kinnetik. Fuck business. Fuck New York! And fuck you, Justin!!!
I could tell myself over and over that it´s all about Kinnetik and success but sitting here I have to admit to myself that it´s not the truth. After Kinnetik had opened its doors I kind of made my peace with Pittsburgh. I´ve never said “never” but I accepted that all I wanted was here in Pittsburgh. Until the subject about Justin´s moving to NYC came up, New York hardly ever crossed my mind, at least not as a place to go to as soon as possible, as the holy place I previously thought it to be.
But on that night when we decided to cancel the wedding I had some epiphany: I didn´t want to live without him again, ever. And if that meant I would have to go there, too, then so be it. Plain and simple.
Only, it hadn´t been so plain and simple in reality. The more as I had to accept this, the more I became silent and closed-up in my talks with Justin. We haven´t seen each other in the three months since he left Pittsburgh, and I know that it has been hard for him, being alone in the big city. The main reason for him to bear up with these months was the prospect of spending the holidays together. I noticed his growing frustration, I knew he had expected something different, something more from me because we´re on good terms when he left. Even though we hadn´t made concrete plans, I knew he hoped it would all fall into place, once he was settled in New York.
From time to time I had considered telling him about my big plan, just to avoid more uncomfortable conversations. But at the last moment there was always something that held me back. I wasn´t sure how he would react: It was MY plan, MY decision, and even if he would have loved it in the end, he certainly wouldn´t have been happy that I didn´t include him right from the beginning. I knew at the least, I could expect a big queen out.
As a result I mastered again in my skills to communicate with him in a not appropriate way. I had nearly earned my degree in acting like the worst partner to talk to since the beginning of human communication when he brought up Christmas for the first time. It seems as if I wasn´t the only one who has made special plans for this holiday event I never had any joy with. No, he had plans, too, thoughtful plans after rethinking the situation and the obviously existing problems between us, and like the determined little fucker he always was and always will be he suggested some “us”-days, where-fucking-ever.
I don´t know exactly what made me react like I did. He didn´t catch me off guard - I knew the holidays were coming closer. Fuck, it was pretty much all I had been thinking about. But still, after listening to his carefully prepared speech, I was stunned. In that moment all my hopes, everything I had done to make my plan coming to a reality, and all the disappointment I felt in the last weeks, all of it crashed down over me and let me react like the King of all Assholes, no pun intended. I felt his disappointment immediately, it came through the ether with full force, but still, I couldn´t, wouldn´t … didn´t do anything to fix it.
The subject was between us - unspoken - like the pink elephant it was. Even when we weren´t talking about it, it was there: Every time I saw Debbie at the Diner or talked to Michael and had to sign something for the “Big Kinnetik Pre-Christmas Party”, every fucking time I was asked about our plans. I couldn´t make up my mind at all. JB didn´t give me any answer either. I was still wallowing in the disappointment about my own failure although I had started to hate myself for being such an ass to Justin.
I had moments when I wished for the “good old days” coming back, when I had Christmas days “Kinney-style”, aka. plenty of fucking without any obligations and discussions at all. But even then I knew with absolute certainty that I would hunt down all devils, if they would even try to change my life, my life with Justin.
Now, so it seems, the topic “What I wish for Christmas” is closed.
Problem solved.
Or not.
Fuck!!!
******
Justin´s POV - Dec 22th
Two days to Christmas. Holy Lordy.
My mood has constantly changed since I talked to Brian for the last time - nine fucking days ago.
In the beginning I felt strong and was convinced that I had handled Brian and the situation the only way I could to avoid a big drama. I was sure that he would call me after he calmed down - or at least on Saturday. Ever since I´ve been living in New York we´ve had our “Saturday Night Special”, reserved just for us. Over the last few months, these hours were the closest we came to real communications.
I spent Saturday night waiting - for nothing. When I finally fell asleep around 4am, I was exhausted. The anger I had been feeling for days was long gone and had turned into a mixture of cluelessness and frustration. I considered calling him, but in the end I dropped the thought. I know Brian´s way of pain management all too well. I wasn´t sure how I would react to a drunk or wasted Brian or, even worse, finding out he wasn´t alone. We´re both still tricking but things had changed since our honeymoon-phase, and not only for me. Based on the times and frequency he called I know that he has been at Kinnetik pretty much 24/7, interrupted only by occasional visits at Babylon to drive the workers crazy with his impatience to reopen it as soon as possible. If Emmett´s emails are any indication, Brian hasn´t been seen in any other club since I left, either. Based on that, it would be safe to assume that having a trick over on our Saturday night would only mean one thing: Brian wanted to hurt me. I certainly didn´t want to expose myself to that.
Over the last days my mood swings increased steadily. Every single thing either made me crazy or sad. I guess that´s how women feel when they have PMS. It drove me nuts.
And, of course, it made me think. Made me recall our talks of the last months. More and more I questioned if I´ve been misjudging the terms we silently agreed on before I left. I noticed that Brian had become more and more reserved and secretive. But the fact that he had still called rather often prompted me not to get into it: I knew him far too long to find his behavior seriously remarkable.
Maybe I had misread the signs?
In order to avoid thinking and complaining all the time I kept myself busy.
I painted. In the past more often than not I did my best paintings in bad moods. This time it unfortunately didn´t work but only fuelled my depression.
I contacted my mother and our friends in Pittsburgh to find out about their plans for the holidays. The results didn´t make me feel any better, either. Michael, Debbie and their men would go to Florida with the munchers and the kids - something about an anniversary Mel´s parents are going to celebrate there. I was invited to join them but declined - that has certainly never been the kind of holidays I´ve had in mind for myself.
In the end I had to conclude that none of them could help me in that matter: Emmett has to work at a big convention, Daphne is planning to go skiing and my mother wasn´t an option either: she had, of course, assumed that I would spend my holidays with Brian and had already made plans to go to Lake Erie with Molly and a friend of hers.
Ted and Blake I didn´t ask, we´ve never been so close that any of us would have felt comfortable with spending Christmas as a “threesome”. It didn´t matter anyway because I heard from Emmett that Ted and Blake wouldn´t be in Pittsburgh either: they´re going to leave for New Orleans until after New Year.
No need to say that those conversations didn´t improve my mood at all. Not only that the others would have exactly that kind of great holidays I had wished for, I also had to go through the twenty questions from everyone about our plans. I was more than annoyed: First they “stole” my idea and then they had the nerve to confront me with my situation! I know I was being unfair but at that time wallowing in self-pity seemed to have become my preferred state.
I can´t tell how many times I thought about getting in touch with Brian. Each day that passed it seemed to be getting more complicated - I honestly don´t know whether it was my stubbornness or my growing fear about his reaction that made me do nothing in the end.
Right now I better face the situation: I will be spending my holidays alone in New York, accompanied by the certainty that my partner doesn´t give a shit about me.
That is absolutely not what I´ve been wishing for!
Brian´s POV - Dec 22th
I can´t believe it…!
I never expected that! I know I was an asshole, for weeks, and not only in relation to this holiday shit. Still, if I´m honest with myself, I have to admit that I didn´t expect this to become so… serious.
When I didn´t hear from him in the first few days I blamed him being a big princess. A princess and a stubborn little fucker … and I had absolutely no interest in dealing with that. But then Saturday night came and went without any word from him. I woke up the next day around noon, hosting one of the biggest hang-over I ever had after drinking all night and talking to my friend Jim until I passed out on my sofa. When I inhaled my coffee the next day, I finally started to see that I had underestimated his anger.
A feeling of regret, unfamiliar and unwelcome, implanted itself in me and I can´t shake it no matter how I try to justify my behavior. Brian Kinney doesn´t do regret - try again! Brian Kinney doesn´t do Christmas … at some point a long time ago even I had stopped to believe in all the shit I´m still trying to sell to the world. God, I am so pathetic - I really could teach Michael a lesson or two.
Still, even though I don´t really know why, I can´t pull myself together and make the first step. Maybe this is the last of the Kinney rules still intact - not going after anyone. While sticking to it on the outside, I can´t shut up the little mantra in my mind which tries to assure me with an annoying persistence: He´ll come around. Everything will be fine. He´ll come around. Everything will be fine…
Fuck.Christmas!
******
Justin´s POV - Dec 24th
What the fuck did I hope to achieve with my stubbornness???
I´m sitting on my sofa and would laugh if only it wouldn´t be so fucking sad. When I woke up this morning, it didn´t seem so bad: My apartment looked nice and homey, carefully decorated with a small Christmas tree, a few candles here and there, and the many presents I´d already gotten by mail spread out on my coffee table. Yesterday I had even prepared my beloved meal, Jambalaya, spicy and, like we know, always better the second day.
First I kept myself busy and worked at the painting I had started a few days before. After it hot dark outside I stopped and decided to get ready for my own Christmas celebration. That´s when things started to go down the hill. All of a sudden I became aware of my situation, sitting alone in my apartment on Christmas Eve, taking in the aromatic smell of the Jambalaya on the stove, watching the flickering lights of the candles - and I felt nothing but sad and lonely. If I´d still had any hope left at all that Brian would call or even show up, it was finally gone now
Without a second thought I turned off the stove, blew out the candles and lay down on my bed.
Brian´s POV - Dec 24th
What the fuck did I think I was doing?
Honestly, I don´t know if I´d thought at all. Not in my wildest “dreams” I did see this coming: spending Christmas Eve in the loft, alone, without Justin. I still don´t give a shit about Christmas - but I do give a shit about him.
I´m wondering how bad I fucked up this time, what I can do to fix it - if I can do anything. I had hoped for a little help from Lindsay in that matter, not that I asked for it, of course. I´d called her before the muncher family left for Florida but after I heard her deep sigh I ended the call immediately: I knew I would never hear the end of it, once she had started her annoying speech about finally getting a grip and fixing the situation with Justin ASAP.
I don´t need anyone to tell me what I already know. What I need is….
FUCK!
Well, that too.
******
Justin´s POV - Dec 28th
I had hoped to feel better, once the holidays were over. Sadly, it didn´t happen. Whatever I did - painting, surfing the net, watching TV- wallowing in self-pity always got the upper hand. Pathetic! I know.
Last night I talked with Daphne. She is long-since used to the "Brian & Justin drama", which is what she so nicely calls our what-the-fuck-ever-it-is-thing. I spent the whole call whining and ranting, hoping to finally get some sympathy, but in the end she only laughed and told me to grow up and call Brian.
I was not amused.
This morning I realized it´s already almost New Year´s Eve. In the past I never cared much about it one way or the other, never really understood all the hype. It's just another year. This year is different. I'm different. I want, even need to leave this complicated and exciting year behind me, but on good terms. A fresh start - that´s what I want and need to move on with my life.
I guess this insight is the reason for finally ending my pity-party. Whatever the outcome might be, I made a decision. That´s why I´m sitting on my bed right now, cell in my hand and looking at the text I can see in the display. It says “Marriott Resort, Hilton Head Island, Dec 30th”.
I push the send-button.
******
Brian´s POV - Dec 30th
I can´t remember the last time I was so nervous - maybe never.
I´m sitting in the fucking smoking area of the fucking Marriott on fucking Hilton Head Island. A bottle of water in one hand, a cigarette in the other I watch the people around me, listen to the cries of the kids in the pool close by and try to calm the fuck down. Ever since I got this cryptic message from Justin I feel like I´m attacked by all feelings possible to men. Anger, confusion, repression, excitement and relief … especially relief.
Of course I hate that. I hate to see what it does to me, what he does to me. My biggest fear had obviously become reality: I became a fucking lesbian. I can try as I might but in the end I have to face the truth: my welfare depends on Justin, at least for a much bigger part than I´d ever even imagined admitting to.
It didn´t change a thing. I realized that my holy fucking days as master of ignorance were finally over: The last few weeks had been for shit, and I´d felt miserable. And now I finally had to swallow my pride and fucking try to fix it.
A few clicks in the internet and here I am, two days later, hoping that I got his message right.
And so I wait.
Justin´s POV - Dec 30th
He is here - and still the most gorgeous man I´ve ever seen!
I watch him. I try to stay still, just wanting to watch him for a few more minutes and waiting for my nerves to calm down.
Ever since I sent the message I´ve been like the Energizer Bunny, feeling alive and restless. Even not knowing how Brian would react, if he would react at all, hadn´t any influence on my mood becoming better and better. I had done something, finally.
And so he did. He came.
I arrived on the island yesterday. I enjoyed the beautiful room, checked out the resort and its surroundings and spent hours deep into the night sitting on the balcony, just watching the ocean and listening to the noise of the waves. I felt amazingly content.
My relaxed state sadly was gone when I woke up this morning. I had no plan, couldn´t do anything but wait and see what´ll happen - or not.
After breakfast I came down to the pool area and since then I´ve been hiding under a sun umbrella, wearing sun glasses and the biggest sun hat I`d found yesterday.
I see him the moment he comes out of the hotel, still wearing his leather jacket and carrying a small travel bag in one hand. Predictably he gets noticed immediately and one of the hot waiters approaches him, obviously offering service. His smile fades instantly when Brian gives him a short order, not even bothering to look at him for a second. Evidently irritated the waiter returns to Brian shortly after with a bottle of water and without another glance Brian signs the presented bill and leaves for the smoking area.
I smile.
Brian´s POV - Dec 30th
“Hey.”
I look up and see Justin standing in front of me, looking ridiculously beautiful under a fucking big sun hat, smiling one of his typically captivating smiles. I can´t help smiling back.
“Hey yourself.”
For a moment we just look at each other, both feeling uncertain. But it doesn´t last long and is replaced by a mutual expression of pure relief and joy.
I stand up from my chair and do the only thing I can - I pull him into my arms.
******
Justin´s POV - New Year´s Eve
I am happy, ridiculously happy.
The moment I felt his arms coming around and pulling me into a tight embrace all sadness had left. I knew we hadn´t solved anything by then but I knew we would, how-the-fuck-ever.
Without another word we went to our room.
Over the last 24 hours we probably had the best sex we ever had, and that´s saying something. The last few weeks had taken its toll on us and had left us more open and vulnerable than usual. The result was breath-taking and sometimes almost too intense to bear but fucking has always been the best way for us to communicate - telling things without any fear of being misunderstood. I remember a situation a long time ago when Brian said something about “the limitations of the language” in order to describe us. I agree.
But we also talked, long and more than once. We talked more in this hotel room than in all the years we've known each other combined. For once, it wasn´t only me who wanted it: I never saw Brian that open and unguarded before. I know it won´t last but I don´t care: The things he said I won´t forget, and that´s all I need.
Neither Brian nor I had expected to solve all of our problems over night. We neither made new rules nor unrealistic promises. But for once we were utterly honest. The last weeks had made painfully clear that no “I love you” was enough to avoid a disaster which one day could easily finish any “us” for good.
We talked about things from the past, small and big ones, many of them painful and hurting. It was important for us to finally draw a line under the past and let it go. We also talked about the now and the future, about what each one wants and needs, for ourselves and for our relationship. Again we crossed sensitive subjects, and not all of what was said made us happy but still, we said it. It was exhausting and liberating at the same time. But no matter what was said, there was one truth which made every revelation worth it: Neither one of us has any doubt about wanting to try to make this happen, even when it gets uncomfortable or fucked up.
And for the first time we know that we can trust and believe in each other.
In the end it was - even for us - natural and logical to discuss our current living situation. Expectations and wishes were finally honestly said, including Brian´s plan to open a Kinnetik branch in New York. We made a lot of decisions here, from regular mutual visits to the last and final one to live together again within the next two years. Whether this is in NYC or in Pittsburgh we´ll see, we´ll work it out one way or another.
I start chuckling. It is cheesy and absolutely unbelievable. If any of our friends could hear or see us right now, they would think they´ve been kicked into an alternative universe … - nobody would believe it.
I laugh harder and look at Brian who questioningly glances back.
I shrug and smile back.
Brian´s POV - New Year´s Eve
A new beginning ….
Sitting on the beach I look at the people who are waiting with us for the New Year to begin. A new beginning … with these words Justin started our first talk yesterday. That´s what he wants: A new beginning - with me.
While letting memories about the 24 hours run through my mind I watch the situation I´m in right now. Surrounded by strangers, mainly breeders who wear a silly and mostly alcohol-induced grin, I´m sitting on the beach in a cheap plastic chair with a plastic glass filled with Champagne in my hand, staring at the ocean which has been illuminated for this special evening. Right beside me sits Justin. Every now and then I shake my head because the situation is utterly surreal: If someone had told me only one year ago how I would be spending my next New Year´s Eve, I would have chosen total abstinence from sex and drugs over this.
Or maybe not.
It doesn´t matter. I´ve never been a fan of “what if´s”, and right now all I care about is that I´m exactly where I want to be.
I lean over to Justin and take his hand in mine.
Title: “Brian & Justin - A Fairy Tale?”
Author: pet0511
Beta and more: Cindy, aka q_dicted.
Project Manager and Creative Director: galehot
Timeline: Post 513
Disclaimer:They are not mine and I don´t own anything - it´s just for fun!
”Brian & Justin - A Fairy Tale?”
A/N: The Foreplay
The leader of The Evil Kinney Girls, galehot, has been her usual charming self (no kidding here, her charm is working!) and presented her idea of this Christmas Project. Of course I said “no” - I´m all but a writer. A few weeks later - while doing housework and desperately searching for anything else to do, I got in a mood. Ok, I´m always in a mood when I have to do stuff I hate but this time my stubborn inner Me was very persistent and nearly forced me to do something else. Guess that´s why I found myself suddenly sitting at my computer and opening a Word doc. It was so strange - I had no plan, I didn´t even feel the wish to produce anything at all. But all of the sudden Galehot´s mail had popped up in my mind and I started thinking how much of a contradiction it is to think about “BJ” & “Merry Christmas” in the same line.
Like I said, I was in a mood.
At least I still don´t have any other explanation for acting so strange: Without real idea, without any concept but without second thoughts I started doing something for me completely unfamiliar: I wrote some BJ.
Like always when being at home I had an eye on the clock, waiting for my Canadian friend Cindy, aka q_dicted to wake up. When it was time, I told her about my silly doing and sent her, just for fun, what I had written so far - more than 3000 words without any re-reading.
Btw: the result was a match - OMG, embarrassing!
Cindy is a nice person, and decent. Surprisingly she liked it (and she is strict and honest in having and saying her opinions). And told me that, of course, there were “some” grammar mistakes and misspellings. Oh sure, only a few ones….LOL.
That was the beginning of The Science Project (TSP). Since we´ve met at the end of 2010, Cindy isn´t only my 24/7 mailing partner but also my “teacher”. I have no idea how many mails went forth and back since then - way beyond the triple digits, I guess. Talking about every topic we came across, I got used more and more to communicate in English - only my English was and still is a mix about English and things which are coming from my German thinking brain - say hello to Petish! Well, you´re getting a full dose of it in this A/N!
TSP with all its learning lessons is one of the two best things I´ve done in a long while (A, I really do hope that you know what I´m talking about!). When I was in school, centuries ago, I reacted allergic to any “red pen” but not now. It is so much nicer not getting said “this is wrong!” but getting “suggestions”. Believe me, it works even for stubborn old girls like me. And all the time she managed to let “my style” (I don´t think I have any but you know what I mean) untouched. So, if you still see awkward things, it´s just because of that.
IMO the story isn´t needed at all in a fandom like this with so many incredible good writers. Until last weekend I still hadn´t decided whether to post it or not. In the end it was mainly because of Cindy that I decided to do it: After all the hours of work and patience and lovely “suggestions” and, of course, just being such an amazing writer and friend it wouldn´t be right or fair to put TSP in a drawer and forget about it. But, and that´s the reason for this long “foreplay”, I couldn´t post it without any note and giving the credits to that person who deserves it!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU!
Here we go….
Brian & Justin - A Fairy Tale?
Timeline: December after Justin left for NYC
Justin´s POV - Dec 13th
“You know what? FORGET it! Forget everything I said, just fucking forget it!!! I´ll tell you what we´ll do! You do whatever you want, and so will I. See? No need for more fights, everybody will be happy…isn´t that what you wanted in the first place? And now, PLEASE, leave me the fuck alone!!!” I forcefully push the red button on my cell and throw it on the bed behind me.
To say I am furious doesn´t do my feelings any justice. Of course I am furious, but more than that, I`m tired. Tired of being stuck with phone calls between NYC and Pittsburgh, of having awkward conversations with Brian which never really left me satisfied afterwards, and of having the bad feeling that in all the months I´ve been in NYC, we have never found a way to establish our new long distance relationship even in the slightest.
It´s been like walking on eggshells most of the time, and the upcoming holidays haven´t made the situation any easier. That was the reason for the plan I suggested to Brian a few days earlier: let´s go away, let´s spend some time alone at a place where we can forget about our living situation, all the awkwardness and problems, let´s give us the chance to just be with each other for a few days, to relax a bit.
It has been a hard year for us with many extreme and nerve-wracking moments, from the latest break-up to the drama of the bombing, from our surprising decision to go for a marriage to my leaving for NYC shortly after. I believed - and still do - we´ve both earned some relaxing time after all this.
Of course I never expected Brian to just jump on board with my plan and start making reservations where-the-fuck-ever. Even though he has softened a bit after the bombing and during our honeymoon-phase, how I call it secretly, he is still the Brian I know, want and love, complicated and closed-up and when it comes to facing problems openly, talking them out…well, let´s just say that his communication skills still are even worse than mine. But I was willing to give it a try, and when the topic “what about Christmas?” came up for the first time between us, I laid out my well thought-out plan. I had thought about the reactions I might get from him, have steeled myself against them in some way but like so many times before he surprised me - sadly not in a good way when he said “Where the fuck does this idea come from, Sunshine?”.
I gave it a rest, gave him a rest to think over my idea. As the holidays were coming closer I addressed the subject again which ended with fights both times, annoying statements from Brian, queen outs from me, mutual silent treatments for the next days. So I had decided to make a last attempt today, all calm and factual, all for reaching the goal to finally get to a mutual decision. Sadly, my forced calmness didn´t last long before I was confronted, again, with a sarcastic and impervious Brian and I had ended the call abruptly.
Standing here in my small apartment in this fascinating city which is still not “home” to me I swear to myself that I will do what I had announced before: I would have the holidays I had wished for - and give a fuck about him.
Brian´s POV - Dec 13th
The little shit! How dare he? Just ending it that way….
I´m standing in the bedroom of the loft, looking at my cell, surprised, utterly dumb-founded, certainly NOT feeling helpless or desperate….I´m never helpless or desperate! Frustrated, maybe, sometimes, but NEVER helpless.
With my cell still in my hand I go over into the living room and sit down on my sofa. Not really having a plan what to do now I obviously find some interest in staring at the cell. After a while I lay it down on the table in front of me. A part of me still expects it to ring any moment but another part, the bigger one, calls this wishful thinking, well aware that he´s reached his limit.
I guess I expected this. Not that I wanted it, of course I didn´t, but I still couldn´t help myself. It´s been coming since he brought up this topic for the first time, but I feel like I was on the edge even before that, for a lot of reasons.
Mostly it is about Kinnetik which I´ve spent most of my time in and with, especially since Justin left for New York. I´ve worked like a man obsessed but for the first time in my life I didn´t get the results I expected. Some bigger clients had decided to leave for other ad agencies and I know why they did, knew it at the time: the campaigns we offered, I offered, all I could come up with was…boring. But as much as I tried to get my old thrill back, as much as I tried to find new clients, it didn´t really work. I saw the looks from Cynthia and Theodore, of course I did, but they didn´t change a thing.
Being my typical self I did not talk with anyone about it. It wouldn´t have helped, that´s what I told myself. But there was also a little voice I couldn´t stop hearing every now and then. Who could I have talked to?
Michael? No. We made some peace after the bombing but we never went back to our old familiarity. Too much had happened, too much had been said. I guess some things really are meant to change.
Lindsay wasn´t any option either, hasn´t been so for a long time, if I´m honest to myself. Some nightly hours alone in the loft, accompanied by my good friend JB, had finally let me face a truth I had avoided for a long time: that she had more than once misused this undefined power she had over me. It hurt to accept it but once I did I knew there was no going back to a close friendship. She is the mother of my child and I´ll always respect and support her when needed but besides Gus our lives no longer are going to overlap.
So who is left? I know the answer, it lays right in front of me, it´s the person so many things are coming back to for so many years now. Justin. I know, even yet, that he is equally reason and answer for all the mess I´m in right now.
Fuck!
Well, it seems as if I got fucked, right?
I think about my big plan which of course I had never told anyone about. Brian Kinney´s master plan, roughly having come to life on the night when Justin and I decided to cancel the wedding and defined more and more afterwards until it became a real obsession. Right now, sitting on the sofa and why the fuck am I still staring at this fucking phone?! I allow myself what I´ve rarely done - articulate my big plan: opening a Kinnetik branch in NYC right after these Christmas Holidays.
I have never been unrealistic, I always knew right from the beginning that I would have to start small and that it wouldn´t be an easy deal to make but I was determined and well, I had never failed so far. I always wanted to go there, just for myself. But now, since knowing that Justin will live in New York at least for some significant time, my former goal-to-wish-for has become a non-negotiable aim. I´ve wanted to surprise Justin, to make a grand gesture at Christmas, Kinney-style. But the closer Christmas came, the more I had to accept that my plan wouldn´t work out like I wanted. In fact, it was the exact opposite: Right now I´m farther away from going to NYC than I was when my brilliant plan was born.
Fuck Kinnetik. Fuck business. Fuck New York! And fuck you, Justin!!!
I could tell myself over and over that it´s all about Kinnetik and success but sitting here I have to admit to myself that it´s not the truth. After Kinnetik had opened its doors I kind of made my peace with Pittsburgh. I´ve never said “never” but I accepted that all I wanted was here in Pittsburgh. Until the subject about Justin´s moving to NYC came up, New York hardly ever crossed my mind, at least not as a place to go to as soon as possible, as the holy place I previously thought it to be.
But on that night when we decided to cancel the wedding I had some epiphany: I didn´t want to live without him again, ever. And if that meant I would have to go there, too, then so be it. Plain and simple.
Only, it hadn´t been so plain and simple in reality. The more as I had to accept this, the more I became silent and closed-up in my talks with Justin. We haven´t seen each other in the three months since he left Pittsburgh, and I know that it has been hard for him, being alone in the big city. The main reason for him to bear up with these months was the prospect of spending the holidays together. I noticed his growing frustration, I knew he had expected something different, something more from me because we´re on good terms when he left. Even though we hadn´t made concrete plans, I knew he hoped it would all fall into place, once he was settled in New York.
From time to time I had considered telling him about my big plan, just to avoid more uncomfortable conversations. But at the last moment there was always something that held me back. I wasn´t sure how he would react: It was MY plan, MY decision, and even if he would have loved it in the end, he certainly wouldn´t have been happy that I didn´t include him right from the beginning. I knew at the least, I could expect a big queen out.
As a result I mastered again in my skills to communicate with him in a not appropriate way. I had nearly earned my degree in acting like the worst partner to talk to since the beginning of human communication when he brought up Christmas for the first time. It seems as if I wasn´t the only one who has made special plans for this holiday event I never had any joy with. No, he had plans, too, thoughtful plans after rethinking the situation and the obviously existing problems between us, and like the determined little fucker he always was and always will be he suggested some “us”-days, where-fucking-ever.
I don´t know exactly what made me react like I did. He didn´t catch me off guard - I knew the holidays were coming closer. Fuck, it was pretty much all I had been thinking about. But still, after listening to his carefully prepared speech, I was stunned. In that moment all my hopes, everything I had done to make my plan coming to a reality, and all the disappointment I felt in the last weeks, all of it crashed down over me and let me react like the King of all Assholes, no pun intended. I felt his disappointment immediately, it came through the ether with full force, but still, I couldn´t, wouldn´t … didn´t do anything to fix it.
The subject was between us - unspoken - like the pink elephant it was. Even when we weren´t talking about it, it was there: Every time I saw Debbie at the Diner or talked to Michael and had to sign something for the “Big Kinnetik Pre-Christmas Party”, every fucking time I was asked about our plans. I couldn´t make up my mind at all. JB didn´t give me any answer either. I was still wallowing in the disappointment about my own failure although I had started to hate myself for being such an ass to Justin.
I had moments when I wished for the “good old days” coming back, when I had Christmas days “Kinney-style”, aka. plenty of fucking without any obligations and discussions at all. But even then I knew with absolute certainty that I would hunt down all devils, if they would even try to change my life, my life with Justin.
Now, so it seems, the topic “What I wish for Christmas” is closed.
Problem solved.
Or not.
Fuck!!!
******
Justin´s POV - Dec 22th
Two days to Christmas. Holy Lordy.
My mood has constantly changed since I talked to Brian for the last time - nine fucking days ago.
In the beginning I felt strong and was convinced that I had handled Brian and the situation the only way I could to avoid a big drama. I was sure that he would call me after he calmed down - or at least on Saturday. Ever since I´ve been living in New York we´ve had our “Saturday Night Special”, reserved just for us. Over the last few months, these hours were the closest we came to real communications.
I spent Saturday night waiting - for nothing. When I finally fell asleep around 4am, I was exhausted. The anger I had been feeling for days was long gone and had turned into a mixture of cluelessness and frustration. I considered calling him, but in the end I dropped the thought. I know Brian´s way of pain management all too well. I wasn´t sure how I would react to a drunk or wasted Brian or, even worse, finding out he wasn´t alone. We´re both still tricking but things had changed since our honeymoon-phase, and not only for me. Based on the times and frequency he called I know that he has been at Kinnetik pretty much 24/7, interrupted only by occasional visits at Babylon to drive the workers crazy with his impatience to reopen it as soon as possible. If Emmett´s emails are any indication, Brian hasn´t been seen in any other club since I left, either. Based on that, it would be safe to assume that having a trick over on our Saturday night would only mean one thing: Brian wanted to hurt me. I certainly didn´t want to expose myself to that.
Over the last days my mood swings increased steadily. Every single thing either made me crazy or sad. I guess that´s how women feel when they have PMS. It drove me nuts.
And, of course, it made me think. Made me recall our talks of the last months. More and more I questioned if I´ve been misjudging the terms we silently agreed on before I left. I noticed that Brian had become more and more reserved and secretive. But the fact that he had still called rather often prompted me not to get into it: I knew him far too long to find his behavior seriously remarkable.
Maybe I had misread the signs?
In order to avoid thinking and complaining all the time I kept myself busy.
I painted. In the past more often than not I did my best paintings in bad moods. This time it unfortunately didn´t work but only fuelled my depression.
I contacted my mother and our friends in Pittsburgh to find out about their plans for the holidays. The results didn´t make me feel any better, either. Michael, Debbie and their men would go to Florida with the munchers and the kids - something about an anniversary Mel´s parents are going to celebrate there. I was invited to join them but declined - that has certainly never been the kind of holidays I´ve had in mind for myself.
In the end I had to conclude that none of them could help me in that matter: Emmett has to work at a big convention, Daphne is planning to go skiing and my mother wasn´t an option either: she had, of course, assumed that I would spend my holidays with Brian and had already made plans to go to Lake Erie with Molly and a friend of hers.
Ted and Blake I didn´t ask, we´ve never been so close that any of us would have felt comfortable with spending Christmas as a “threesome”. It didn´t matter anyway because I heard from Emmett that Ted and Blake wouldn´t be in Pittsburgh either: they´re going to leave for New Orleans until after New Year.
No need to say that those conversations didn´t improve my mood at all. Not only that the others would have exactly that kind of great holidays I had wished for, I also had to go through the twenty questions from everyone about our plans. I was more than annoyed: First they “stole” my idea and then they had the nerve to confront me with my situation! I know I was being unfair but at that time wallowing in self-pity seemed to have become my preferred state.
I can´t tell how many times I thought about getting in touch with Brian. Each day that passed it seemed to be getting more complicated - I honestly don´t know whether it was my stubbornness or my growing fear about his reaction that made me do nothing in the end.
Right now I better face the situation: I will be spending my holidays alone in New York, accompanied by the certainty that my partner doesn´t give a shit about me.
That is absolutely not what I´ve been wishing for!
Brian´s POV - Dec 22th
I can´t believe it…!
I never expected that! I know I was an asshole, for weeks, and not only in relation to this holiday shit. Still, if I´m honest with myself, I have to admit that I didn´t expect this to become so… serious.
When I didn´t hear from him in the first few days I blamed him being a big princess. A princess and a stubborn little fucker … and I had absolutely no interest in dealing with that. But then Saturday night came and went without any word from him. I woke up the next day around noon, hosting one of the biggest hang-over I ever had after drinking all night and talking to my friend Jim until I passed out on my sofa. When I inhaled my coffee the next day, I finally started to see that I had underestimated his anger.
A feeling of regret, unfamiliar and unwelcome, implanted itself in me and I can´t shake it no matter how I try to justify my behavior. Brian Kinney doesn´t do regret - try again! Brian Kinney doesn´t do Christmas … at some point a long time ago even I had stopped to believe in all the shit I´m still trying to sell to the world. God, I am so pathetic - I really could teach Michael a lesson or two.
Still, even though I don´t really know why, I can´t pull myself together and make the first step. Maybe this is the last of the Kinney rules still intact - not going after anyone. While sticking to it on the outside, I can´t shut up the little mantra in my mind which tries to assure me with an annoying persistence: He´ll come around. Everything will be fine. He´ll come around. Everything will be fine…
Fuck.Christmas!
******
Justin´s POV - Dec 24th
What the fuck did I hope to achieve with my stubbornness???
I´m sitting on my sofa and would laugh if only it wouldn´t be so fucking sad. When I woke up this morning, it didn´t seem so bad: My apartment looked nice and homey, carefully decorated with a small Christmas tree, a few candles here and there, and the many presents I´d already gotten by mail spread out on my coffee table. Yesterday I had even prepared my beloved meal, Jambalaya, spicy and, like we know, always better the second day.
First I kept myself busy and worked at the painting I had started a few days before. After it hot dark outside I stopped and decided to get ready for my own Christmas celebration. That´s when things started to go down the hill. All of a sudden I became aware of my situation, sitting alone in my apartment on Christmas Eve, taking in the aromatic smell of the Jambalaya on the stove, watching the flickering lights of the candles - and I felt nothing but sad and lonely. If I´d still had any hope left at all that Brian would call or even show up, it was finally gone now
Without a second thought I turned off the stove, blew out the candles and lay down on my bed.
Brian´s POV - Dec 24th
What the fuck did I think I was doing?
Honestly, I don´t know if I´d thought at all. Not in my wildest “dreams” I did see this coming: spending Christmas Eve in the loft, alone, without Justin. I still don´t give a shit about Christmas - but I do give a shit about him.
I´m wondering how bad I fucked up this time, what I can do to fix it - if I can do anything. I had hoped for a little help from Lindsay in that matter, not that I asked for it, of course. I´d called her before the muncher family left for Florida but after I heard her deep sigh I ended the call immediately: I knew I would never hear the end of it, once she had started her annoying speech about finally getting a grip and fixing the situation with Justin ASAP.
I don´t need anyone to tell me what I already know. What I need is….
FUCK!
Well, that too.
******
Justin´s POV - Dec 28th
I had hoped to feel better, once the holidays were over. Sadly, it didn´t happen. Whatever I did - painting, surfing the net, watching TV- wallowing in self-pity always got the upper hand. Pathetic! I know.
Last night I talked with Daphne. She is long-since used to the "Brian & Justin drama", which is what she so nicely calls our what-the-fuck-ever-it-is-thing. I spent the whole call whining and ranting, hoping to finally get some sympathy, but in the end she only laughed and told me to grow up and call Brian.
I was not amused.
This morning I realized it´s already almost New Year´s Eve. In the past I never cared much about it one way or the other, never really understood all the hype. It's just another year. This year is different. I'm different. I want, even need to leave this complicated and exciting year behind me, but on good terms. A fresh start - that´s what I want and need to move on with my life.
I guess this insight is the reason for finally ending my pity-party. Whatever the outcome might be, I made a decision. That´s why I´m sitting on my bed right now, cell in my hand and looking at the text I can see in the display. It says “Marriott Resort, Hilton Head Island, Dec 30th”.
I push the send-button.
******
Brian´s POV - Dec 30th
I can´t remember the last time I was so nervous - maybe never.
I´m sitting in the fucking smoking area of the fucking Marriott on fucking Hilton Head Island. A bottle of water in one hand, a cigarette in the other I watch the people around me, listen to the cries of the kids in the pool close by and try to calm the fuck down. Ever since I got this cryptic message from Justin I feel like I´m attacked by all feelings possible to men. Anger, confusion, repression, excitement and relief … especially relief.
Of course I hate that. I hate to see what it does to me, what he does to me. My biggest fear had obviously become reality: I became a fucking lesbian. I can try as I might but in the end I have to face the truth: my welfare depends on Justin, at least for a much bigger part than I´d ever even imagined admitting to.
It didn´t change a thing. I realized that my holy fucking days as master of ignorance were finally over: The last few weeks had been for shit, and I´d felt miserable. And now I finally had to swallow my pride and fucking try to fix it.
A few clicks in the internet and here I am, two days later, hoping that I got his message right.
And so I wait.
Justin´s POV - Dec 30th
He is here - and still the most gorgeous man I´ve ever seen!
I watch him. I try to stay still, just wanting to watch him for a few more minutes and waiting for my nerves to calm down.
Ever since I sent the message I´ve been like the Energizer Bunny, feeling alive and restless. Even not knowing how Brian would react, if he would react at all, hadn´t any influence on my mood becoming better and better. I had done something, finally.
And so he did. He came.
I arrived on the island yesterday. I enjoyed the beautiful room, checked out the resort and its surroundings and spent hours deep into the night sitting on the balcony, just watching the ocean and listening to the noise of the waves. I felt amazingly content.
My relaxed state sadly was gone when I woke up this morning. I had no plan, couldn´t do anything but wait and see what´ll happen - or not.
After breakfast I came down to the pool area and since then I´ve been hiding under a sun umbrella, wearing sun glasses and the biggest sun hat I`d found yesterday.
I see him the moment he comes out of the hotel, still wearing his leather jacket and carrying a small travel bag in one hand. Predictably he gets noticed immediately and one of the hot waiters approaches him, obviously offering service. His smile fades instantly when Brian gives him a short order, not even bothering to look at him for a second. Evidently irritated the waiter returns to Brian shortly after with a bottle of water and without another glance Brian signs the presented bill and leaves for the smoking area.
I smile.
Brian´s POV - Dec 30th
“Hey.”
I look up and see Justin standing in front of me, looking ridiculously beautiful under a fucking big sun hat, smiling one of his typically captivating smiles. I can´t help smiling back.
“Hey yourself.”
For a moment we just look at each other, both feeling uncertain. But it doesn´t last long and is replaced by a mutual expression of pure relief and joy.
I stand up from my chair and do the only thing I can - I pull him into my arms.
******
Justin´s POV - New Year´s Eve
I am happy, ridiculously happy.
The moment I felt his arms coming around and pulling me into a tight embrace all sadness had left. I knew we hadn´t solved anything by then but I knew we would, how-the-fuck-ever.
Without another word we went to our room.
Over the last 24 hours we probably had the best sex we ever had, and that´s saying something. The last few weeks had taken its toll on us and had left us more open and vulnerable than usual. The result was breath-taking and sometimes almost too intense to bear but fucking has always been the best way for us to communicate - telling things without any fear of being misunderstood. I remember a situation a long time ago when Brian said something about “the limitations of the language” in order to describe us. I agree.
But we also talked, long and more than once. We talked more in this hotel room than in all the years we've known each other combined. For once, it wasn´t only me who wanted it: I never saw Brian that open and unguarded before. I know it won´t last but I don´t care: The things he said I won´t forget, and that´s all I need.
Neither Brian nor I had expected to solve all of our problems over night. We neither made new rules nor unrealistic promises. But for once we were utterly honest. The last weeks had made painfully clear that no “I love you” was enough to avoid a disaster which one day could easily finish any “us” for good.
We talked about things from the past, small and big ones, many of them painful and hurting. It was important for us to finally draw a line under the past and let it go. We also talked about the now and the future, about what each one wants and needs, for ourselves and for our relationship. Again we crossed sensitive subjects, and not all of what was said made us happy but still, we said it. It was exhausting and liberating at the same time. But no matter what was said, there was one truth which made every revelation worth it: Neither one of us has any doubt about wanting to try to make this happen, even when it gets uncomfortable or fucked up.
And for the first time we know that we can trust and believe in each other.
In the end it was - even for us - natural and logical to discuss our current living situation. Expectations and wishes were finally honestly said, including Brian´s plan to open a Kinnetik branch in New York. We made a lot of decisions here, from regular mutual visits to the last and final one to live together again within the next two years. Whether this is in NYC or in Pittsburgh we´ll see, we´ll work it out one way or another.
I start chuckling. It is cheesy and absolutely unbelievable. If any of our friends could hear or see us right now, they would think they´ve been kicked into an alternative universe … - nobody would believe it.
I laugh harder and look at Brian who questioningly glances back.
I shrug and smile back.
Brian´s POV - New Year´s Eve
A new beginning ….
Sitting on the beach I look at the people who are waiting with us for the New Year to begin. A new beginning … with these words Justin started our first talk yesterday. That´s what he wants: A new beginning - with me.
While letting memories about the 24 hours run through my mind I watch the situation I´m in right now. Surrounded by strangers, mainly breeders who wear a silly and mostly alcohol-induced grin, I´m sitting on the beach in a cheap plastic chair with a plastic glass filled with Champagne in my hand, staring at the ocean which has been illuminated for this special evening. Right beside me sits Justin. Every now and then I shake my head because the situation is utterly surreal: If someone had told me only one year ago how I would be spending my next New Year´s Eve, I would have chosen total abstinence from sex and drugs over this.
Or maybe not.
It doesn´t matter. I´ve never been a fan of “what if´s”, and right now all I care about is that I´m exactly where I want to be.
I lean over to Justin and take his hand in mine.