A Teaser...

[petemonster]

Here's a snippet from the part of Exiles that I'm working on right now, for those who are wondering what's happening with that.

Rough draft, obviously.  Criticism welcomed, and encouraged.

Comments

[brightroar]

That's a very choreographed fight scene slammed in the middle there, but it sort of breaks the flow, you've got a conversation and then it's kind of just a list of things that are happening. Also when did she get so paranoid? Cautious and aware is one thing, paranoia is something else.

[petemonster]

Many thanks for the feedback.

Flow problems make sense, and I can work on making that all mesh better. Got some thoughts on how I might rework things there.

Had been aiming more for "cautious and aware" (with a side of "at this point she's seen him twice before, but one time was in a dream, and the second was only a very brief glimpse on a rooftop before he vanished the moment she looked away"); do you think you could point to which parts really stood out as "paranoid" to you? Would muchly appreciate the help in reigning that in.

[brightroar]

Being terrified of passers by watching her tussle with him. Like it matters? If she's been sleeping rough in London for any time at all she should probably have gathered that nobody gives a shit unless their personal space is being directly invaded. I understand jumping at shadows for a bit AFTER he tells her she's being watched by things other than him, but not before?

[lolantheoji]

I don’t bookmark sites but i will bookmark this! LOL!