(no subject)
this is the first time I've made a post in here in 59 weeks, for those 59 weeks I had nothing to say, nothing to write about, nothing to get off my chest. I was happy, I'm still happy, but maybe not as happy. For the last 5 days I've felt like I have a wound in my chest that's taking its time to heal. I know this is all a bunch of sappy bullshit, but that's just me. I'm a romantic, I'm a sap, I am the epitome of everything that people hate about relationships. I always have been and probably always will be. I think, of all people, my mom put it best. 'You are so unaware of your surroundings, you become locked in and have blinders on to the rest of the world. One day that will make you very happy, but for now you need to try and change.' And she was absolutely right.
I'm the sort of person that once I enter into a relationship, I'm too focused, I'm content and as a result nothing else in the world matters to me. And that was me up until sept. 13th. Maybe I did have my doubts, maybe I did want change, but who can honestly say they've never had those feelings? Who can honestly say they never thought about giving into those feelings? I doubt many people can. And I understand, I'm 20 years old, I have no business finding the love of my life yet, it's not the right time. But who's to say that I shouldn't be allowed to enjoy the relationship I'm in to the fullest. They say people change with time, but I don't think she did, or maybe I never really knew her as well as I thought. I thought she was like me, I thought once she was in she was in, but I guess I was wrong. It's amazing how things can come crashing down in such a short span of time. 7 days, in 7 days her entire perception of me was gone, everything changed. In the last 5 days my life has undergone a transition, the likes of which I have never had to deal with.
This is different than last time. Last time I was immature, last time I thought I knew what I wanted, and really never stopped to realize that I was just desperate to have someone with my interests, no matter how wrong for me she was. This time I know truly what it's like to be broken-hearted, and who knows maybe somewhere down the line someone else will show me that even this isn't as bad as it can get. This time I got sick, I was physically ill for 3 days, I had to force myself to eat with a sickening feeling that worsened with each bite. I had a pounding headache, I never get headaches. I felt like I had just swallowed a baseball whole and it was just resting in my stomach. That is what a broken heart is, when the emotional pain is so great, it spills into reality and just poisons your entire body.
So why did I write here? Why did I come back to something I have not written in for over a year? Because this is where it began, this is where I can come to see progression of myself, this is where I have grown. The fact that I didn't write here showed my growth because I was happy. I really was. I had it all, a great school, amazing friends, and the perfect girlfriend to compliment it all. The school's the same, I love it here, the friends, as hard as it's been for me to believe, have become even more amazing, but now the girlfriend's gone. She took a large part of my self esteem with her, she took my heart. And so again I'm back to this emotional hole in my chest. It's closed a little, but you can still see right through me. Time is my friend now, time will heal this, time will make me feel better. But even time can't make me forget, time cannot change the fact that in the short time of 7 days, she replaced me. And while she'll deny it, the fact of the matter is that she broke up with me because she doubted her will power. And to me that's as close to being replaced as you can get.
I also think I wrote here because I know no one will read it, no one checks this anymore, look at me. I haven't written anything for so long now, I'm amazed I remember the password. This is written here and not as a note in facebook because it's for me. No one else. No drive to make her feel guilt, I've already done that, no sympathy from friends, I've already got that, but what I don't have is my closure. It's still eluding me and even now after I've written this I'm sure I will have to wait for it. So I'm left with time again, time is what I must look to to help me through this all. So when I come back here next year and I see this I can smile confidently and say, "I'm stronger now."